My dear wife Judy, passed away on September 26th. She was the love of my life and I miss her so...  She was passionate about fighting this cancer and did so to the very end of her life. Hopefully, her blog over the last few years has had a positive impact on those who have followed it. Judy meant it to be the real story of her fight, and I believe it was. God bless all who are fighting a similar fight and my beat wishes and prayers to their families as well.
Eric G.

WHAT. . . .

Is going on???
OK Pet scan came back clean and better than than that brain MRI all clear as well.
Why don't I feel happy?  Still so sad
Every night I pray for everyone I know so that I can give back some what I have been lucky enough to receive, thank you to those that have prayed and sent good wishes.  This is truly the most bizarre time in y life and I just cant see to get it together or get some kind of normal.
Going to try to get a referral to a phys therapist so that I can strengthen my legs and muscles, I am still doing this wobbly thing but is not from a seizure, thank God.
Just gotta find the right person to help me and get on with it. I miss taking walks and need to get these blood clots outta my right leg...so wish me luck!  love to all

LETS SEE....

Pet scan all clear...great news!!

Been prepping for my colonosocpy since 5 pm, surprisingly no big deal except for the burning and appendage i seemed to have sprouted...fun stuff

THANK. . . .

  You everyone, for the messages on Facebook, I am overwhelmed by the love, energy and Prayers.  I could could not do this alone and I can't even begin to say how much this means to me. I love you all and am thankful you are in my life and even if its at a distance it works and I feel it!  love Judy

GREAT. . . .

News.  Was in hospital a couple of days ago overnight because of constant stomach problems and continued nausea, horrible for weeks.
Did an MRI which I had scheduled for 24th and since cancelled.,
We found out no new growths but quite a bit of swelling from radiation, so yes back on steroids 8mg  (for now 4mg 2x a day) then switch to 4mg am and 2 mg pm, but at this point I don't care about the steroids, yes they make me crazy but I have had 2 good days so is it worth it, I'd say that would be a yes for now.
It is hard to know what to do, but put your trust in the Dr's., and prayers.  This is what I believe has gotten me to this point.
But like I said steroids make me crazy and those around me as well, I am trying REALLY hard and today I think I I have done a good job there.  Its most hardest on my beautiful girl because she is here with me all day and it's not not easy for her and I feel terrible, but what do I do?
Is there a magic answer here?
On a different note I think I might be able to do some volunteer work., I wanted to before but with undergoing treatment nearly impossible but now I am pretty good to go I think...I hope
So that's about it

OOPS. . . .

found like 3 drafts I forgot to post...sorry!

WELL....

Today is the first day i have no radiation, no chemo thank God it is over, Brain MRI in three weeks but I expect that to be clean after all this shit I just sent through. this round was much worse than breast cancer treatment, just horrible.
I should be happy and I am to a point but so sad becaue Jimmy and Debbie not here, now live in Floriada and we miss them and his yearly birthday on the 4th.
I feel so helpless for my baby she is so upset and not feeling well, she was so looking forward to brunch at a friends house, and it was cancelled and shes in such a fragile state I don't know how to help her, she consumes my every thought and I feel like a shitty mother because I can't comfort her. all she wants to do is sleep and be left alone. Dad has to work till 930pm so we are supposed to go to some neighbor friends house to and I love them and so looking forward to going but I dont think she will come. I feel helpless, today should be a happy day. We went to breakfast she didn't come becuase of bruch I said just come and have coffee so she did nothing.  A friend that she hasn't really sean came by to see if she wanted to take a walk but wouldn't .  This isn't about me except for the part that I know this is so hard for her, but Its over now and I wish to god I could get a smile, but maybe it's too much to expect, I do't know I'm not good at this stuff, I guess im supposed to just leave her alone but shes my baby and how do I do that. I wish she had been asked someplace today or some friends call her and she how she is because apparentley nothing I can do , I feel lost here.  Thought it would get easier, what the hell do I know?

HOW do. . . .

I start this part? so much racing around in my head.  Its been a long journey and one I feel like iv'e been on for long enough.

Friday. . . .

Still feel pretty much the same, like I'm waiting for something to happen, yeah like not feeling sick anymore and to have this crap over with., Hopefully that part is coming soon.
Just so soooooo tired. Dr A said I'd start feeling better by the end of this week..so I'm hopeful that is coming soon like I said. That's about it for now not much to say

sTARTING OVER. . . .

I just deleted what i typed.  What an idiot! and while i'm at it that good for spell check.

Tomorrow the  Radiation and  chemo are over.  Back on small dose of steriods 4 mg at dinner for only 4 more days.  YIPPEE at that.

So how do I feel??? that really is the question so be prepared, FUCKING SHITTY.
The radiation to my head has been making so sick, like being pregnant without the bundle of joy at the end.
wanna puke pretty much all the time but like I said I have one more day and I have to get through this.  Radiation at 8 then Chemo at nine.  Brain MRI in 3 weeks.  Dr A said will take about a week after for all to settle down, and I'm holding to it or I'll find him and hide all his candy at the Gamma Knife Center


But seriously Please keep sending love an prayers this aint over yet.
Thank and all by best

I just wanna be done. . . .

Its confirmed next Tuesday last chemo and radiation too I think.  (i pray) chemo for sure just not sure about oral chemo waiting for a call tomorrow to find out, everything is so confusing and I forget which is something that I am just not used to...the forgetting part, upsets me so much I cry when ever this happens so needless to say I cry  a lot.
I hate the term "oh chemo brain"   just like "oh pregnant brain", in my case it's half a brain and i'm getting tired of my friend holding on to the good part I'd like it back now..please??  :)

two. . . .

More weeks of torture left, then I can get this power port out and start feeling a little better I hope I hope.
Just feel shitty and don't have much to say.  which is hard to believe for me.

HOW. . . .

Do I feel?  Like shit.  living on nausea med and MJ, think I said that before but who can remember with half a brain.
I know I'm sick of asking people to do things and then when someone says sure lets go to lunch I toss my cookies and can't go. I'm just not going to ask anyone anymore, I get sad and don't feel that great to begin with.  people say it is but then they stop calling so I don't really believe them, I think they are sick of my cancelling so they don't really invite or text me. I feel sad most of the time but when I'm around others I always put up a good act like I feel great, because who wants to be around a downer all the time, so its a pity party day for me, guess I'm entitled
Just sick of it all.  I go out to breakfast by myself at least 2x a week, Hubby works so we try to go at least one day on a day off, he truly is the only person I can count on.  I don't have to pretend to feel good and I am so thankful I have him in my life, what if I married a shithead?Thankfully I didn't and he is amazing..
Honestly If one more Dr. tells me we don't have any data for your treatment but we believe it will work, I will Fucking scream right then and there.  Just what one wants to hear, I'd like to see some of the Dr's. live with information given in this fashion.,
3 more weeks of radiation 5 days a week, 1 chemo pill 7days a week for 3 weeks, and 1 chemo infusion 1 time a week for 3 weeks, then an MRI and we will see if its gone.  This is always in the back of my mind, I can't escape the thought, I try to remain positive, I pray every night and every morning for those I know that need it and those I just love.
Today I went to Starbucks near where I live, everyone is really quite friendly, they bring their dogs, hang out, it's nice. Long story short I met Rick, he asked how I was doing and if he and his wife and daughters could pray for me, couldn't believe it, and with that he said consider 4 more people on your team. Again I couldn't believe it, I told him thank you and gave a light hug. Was so nice made my morning. Called hubby he couldn't believe it.
I do have some amazing experiences and new friends that I meet for coffee and tea, they go everyday, and I am always welcome and when I go I just feel normal and happy and I am grateful for them eggbok!

UGH. . . .

That about says it all, tolerating all,  chemo, chemo pill and radiation.....SUPER tired, a little pukey here and there...nothing that zofran, compazine and some med mj can't handle, seriously..
So I asked The Bub to shave my head again, radiation area starting to fall out that looks like Shit, like a bald headed woman with a huge scar on the side of my head and like that doesn't draw looks, but you know what??
FUCK EM, FUCK EM ALL...
I wear my head scarred and bald, head held proud and upright.  I stare right back at those looking for a while at me.. some times I smile, but mostly they get my face with my tongue sticking out at them FUCKERS!!  I love that word  Ha Ha
But it's like someone saying I'm so sorry, why are you sorry did you cause this, it must make those who say this feel better because they don't know what to say.   how about: Hows your day going , or it is so beautiful outside....  No pity, no tears cuz who are they really for???
It is beautiful outside, I took myself out for breakfast, I actually went shopping for a tiny bit, so today is a good day and it's about fucking time!!!!

AS. . . .

Luck would have it I have a blood clot in my neck in may main artery, you can see the tubing in my neck (for the chemo port) so when I move my head it bulges out, fucking figures!
So I take 1/2 vicodin along with a benedryl to help with the itching I get from vicodin, I can't even be a druggie cuz i am allergic.  No fun for me!
Pill chemo is OK a little nausea here and there, but I can live with it for 5 more weeks, they can't take the port out and re-do because I will clot again, and no blood thinners for this girl unless I want a brain bleed like last summer....no thanks!
I would have loved to go to a movie or lunch today but no one to go with, I get really tired of asking people all the time to do things, I feel pathetic and sad. I have no idea whats playing so it's just as well.
I hate being sick and everything that comes with it

WED. . . .

OK . . . . the magic chemo pill that arrives by fort Knox tomorrow is called Temodar,  Only 250 a pill, that's
5 grand for a 25 day supply. we changed ins, need i say more?
new deductible so cost is 250, then 2nd 25 will be 100.  where did the $10 script cost go?  out the fucking window, I know at least I have insurance and I AM grateful for this.
So Chemo and Radiation start next week, oral med this week.
Eric read a lot about Temodar and the results have been nothing less than amazing, my question is why the hell didn't we do this sooner, why put me through second brain surgery, 6th gamma knife if this chemo would have worked.??????
All the trauma to my brain supposedly will allow the chemo to get through the blood brain barrier.
I'm just thinking all this shit better work or I'm really gonna be pissed off!  ha ha

MY . . . .

Neck and chest looks like something from a vampire movie and it frigging hurts.  I can't really take pain pills because I am slightly allergic...I have to take benedryl with, so imagine my stooper yesterday along with an ice pack  on my neck area and then my heat pack on my stomach for my UC pain.  Radiation and Chemo hasn't even started.  WTF!!  I swear.
We are going to meet some friends for lunchy-brunch which I am really looking forward to, not the food part, the friends part.
I need to try to find something to wear to cover this up though.  I can't get it wet for 5 days, so sponge baths or plastic wrap the whole area....maybe my head along with it.  OY VEY.

It is however a beautiful day :)

WHERE DO I START????. . . .

OK, so here it all is as of right now Thursday morning.
Hannah is home that's the best.
Tomorrow she gets to take me to have a port put back in.  If I'd never taken the stupid thing out I would have all these blown veins that bruise and hurt but vat can I do?
So wait, Chemo? thought it didn't work with brain stuff because the chemo doesn't break the blood brain barrier, well lucky for me I've had so much trauma to my brain the chemo should get through because I am also having brain radiation again.  Not whole brain, but a concentrated dose in the bad area where my cancer keeps tracking and won't go away.
Suppose to start radiation next week if they can get their shit together and map it out, why does this take so long! So all I know is it will be 5 days a week when ever it starts but I don't know for how long.
Then Chemo, Carbo Platinum or something like that...Can hardly wait and hope I can tolerate it.
The radiation makes me tired, don't know about the chemo yet.  Honestly I don;t want to do this, I'm scared to SHIT, but what choice do I have?
I just want to feel normal, what ever that is, because I don't really remember.
I just feel like crying but I've got to get a hold of myself here....seriously!  Suck it up, and
  now put on your positive thinking cap.  (where did that come from?? some TV show mom)
OK, next oh by the way, we want to take the ovaries as this is a breeding ground for me, they do this laproscopically, maybe I could get my leaky bladder fixed at the same time, I refuse to wear depends!
OK, lastly, you need to have a colonoscopy, can hardly wait for that shit!  ha ha...
Which of course will be after chemo..just keeping my day full of hope and promises and little flowers and lady bugs.  Yeah life is so Fucking Grand right now.  WHEW off my chest, outta my fingers and outta my 1/2 half of a brain

GOING to . . . .

Onc. this am, oh boy!!!  We will see what she has to say I am a little confused because originally they said chemo does not break the blood brain barrier, so WTF??
Radiation coming prob will start next week since it's wed. and I haven't heard from them yet.  Like hurry up and wait right? So then Dr tells Eric well we might be able to use chemo like a week after the radiation is done, woo hoo it's gonna be a frickin party in my head..maybe I'll some of this cancer shit outta my head for a change???? who knows.
Trying to be positive but some questions keep coming back.
Am I going to die from this? probably but my hope is not for a long time.
Gonna try some guided meditation and breathe stuff for when I get upset, just gotta load it and listen to it.
We have to do everything we can to fight and stay positive even though this is the nastiest, scariest shit going on.
Well I will post as soon as I find out what the Evil Dr's have in store for me...some new kind of poison I'm sure lol!

SWALLOW THIS. . . .

So I go to Dr A last Friday and He explains very calmly, but I know whats coming because of the look on his face so tears start coming, yet I have my own tissue....
We did the gamma knife but where i stopped gamma the cancer is tracking.  There was like a fringe around the area, and because gamma can't treat whole brain or big areas as we know, we will need to do brain radiation again.  Not whole brain, but just concentrated and the lining, which has this "stuff"that  will respond well to radiation, so we will probly do within 1-2 weeks.  I 'd like some notice so I can shave my head...gotta go through the Asian pear mask thingie again, then go get a ct of my head, again, this along with my uc flare is just all fun and games right now.
I'm gonna go throw up now