what was I thinking?
I have been so careful about what I have been eating because of the mouth sore (I still have)..I am still taking prilosec for the esophagus issue I am still having. . . and yeah, I'm up at 1am, attempting to recover from throwing up in my sleep. Yes , that would be me. . .fun stuff.
I am trying to recover this morning from this lovely burning sensation. Eric and I sat and talked for a while until this calmed down a bit, and he told me that I was going to start feeling better this week, so I am going to hold him to it!
Like yesterday wasn't a another whirlwind day unto itself!
Driving round trip to UCSD to go pick up Hannah from her recruiting trip (by myself..on Friday Eric drove. I need my head examined. (more on this later)
And. . .lastly. . . I get to have my girls squished soon, so I have to get going.
Hoping it's not like last weeks experience, where I encounter some kind of clothing malfunction or something!
Sheesh!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Where. . . . .
should I start?
I fell in garage on Thursday and thought I broke my right thumb, I tripped over one of Eric's boxes. Yeah. I have concluded that I have a major sprain because I can kind of move it now. (my thumb that is)
Yesterday was the whirlwind trip to UCSD. OMG!!!
We get down there, and thankfully have time, because yes, we get lost on this GI-NORMAS campus. Need I say anymore?
We are all yelling at other, Hannah and I are yelling at Eric, she's gotta go to the bathroom, (what else is new?)LOL!!
So we finally double park someplace so she can get out and go. After a while we find a campus police station, and get some directions to the pool. JEEZ!!! good thing we were early!
The pool facility is really nice, the pool is just about 4 years old, they have 2 pools at this aquatics center.
We met the coach, and watched practice. I actually had a great conversation with one of the girls. She is a freshman, and very similar background to Hannah. Was a club swimmer, then started playing club polo and polo in HS.
Super nice girl, she said all of the girls were so excited to meet Hannah, they have all been looking forward to this. (it was really nice and pretty cool!)
Then we went and sat with the coach and his asst. he went through a lot of things, but what was most important, was that he told Hannah, how her hard work has earned her entrance to this university. that can't be denied, and UCSD does not recruit athletes that do not have the GPA and SAT score.
(so in other words, her team mates will be there for their education as well as the polo)
It's a really good fit. And being as though this is her top pick, just so ironic how this whole thing has come into play.
So the Coach really wants her, and he told this, and we could see how proud she felt and how good it made her feel to know that she has been recognized and that she's he top recruit. He will mail the letter of intent on Monday and if she signs it, she is good to go. As far as she can "breathe", she's in and then the rest of it starts. (and OMG, there is SO MUCH!!!)
So, we wait to see how her trip went, so far she said the girls were really nice, and our guess is they will be great, because if the coach finds out otherwise, have a feeling he won't be too happy if they scared her off!!
As for me. . . .yeah, same stuff different day??
I am just exhausted. Eric says I need to remember, I just finished chemo, I've been getting this crap in my body for 26 weeks, and I'm not going to feel "normal" (I love that word) for a while, so try to relax, and remember this.
So, that is where I am today. Tomorrow, I am doing the drive down to La Jolla to pick her up at 9am. Gonna meet the coaches for breakfast and then we will drive back . . . . . . .
My hope, that this was amazing for her. She deserves to go to the school she wants, and we will do what ever we can to make sure this option is there for her.
I fell in garage on Thursday and thought I broke my right thumb, I tripped over one of Eric's boxes. Yeah. I have concluded that I have a major sprain because I can kind of move it now. (my thumb that is)
Yesterday was the whirlwind trip to UCSD. OMG!!!
We get down there, and thankfully have time, because yes, we get lost on this GI-NORMAS campus. Need I say anymore?
We are all yelling at other, Hannah and I are yelling at Eric, she's gotta go to the bathroom, (what else is new?)LOL!!
So we finally double park someplace so she can get out and go. After a while we find a campus police station, and get some directions to the pool. JEEZ!!! good thing we were early!
The pool facility is really nice, the pool is just about 4 years old, they have 2 pools at this aquatics center.
We met the coach, and watched practice. I actually had a great conversation with one of the girls. She is a freshman, and very similar background to Hannah. Was a club swimmer, then started playing club polo and polo in HS.
Super nice girl, she said all of the girls were so excited to meet Hannah, they have all been looking forward to this. (it was really nice and pretty cool!)
Then we went and sat with the coach and his asst. he went through a lot of things, but what was most important, was that he told Hannah, how her hard work has earned her entrance to this university. that can't be denied, and UCSD does not recruit athletes that do not have the GPA and SAT score.
(so in other words, her team mates will be there for their education as well as the polo)
It's a really good fit. And being as though this is her top pick, just so ironic how this whole thing has come into play.
So the Coach really wants her, and he told this, and we could see how proud she felt and how good it made her feel to know that she has been recognized and that she's he top recruit. He will mail the letter of intent on Monday and if she signs it, she is good to go. As far as she can "breathe", she's in and then the rest of it starts. (and OMG, there is SO MUCH!!!)
So, we wait to see how her trip went, so far she said the girls were really nice, and our guess is they will be great, because if the coach finds out otherwise, have a feeling he won't be too happy if they scared her off!!
As for me. . . .yeah, same stuff different day??
I am just exhausted. Eric says I need to remember, I just finished chemo, I've been getting this crap in my body for 26 weeks, and I'm not going to feel "normal" (I love that word) for a while, so try to relax, and remember this.
So, that is where I am today. Tomorrow, I am doing the drive down to La Jolla to pick her up at 9am. Gonna meet the coaches for breakfast and then we will drive back . . . . . . .
My hope, that this was amazing for her. She deserves to go to the school she wants, and we will do what ever we can to make sure this option is there for her.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
So. . . .
I go to have my markings and my CT scan this afternoon.
Kinda weird.
I go to have the first part done, an x-ray and the marking part.
The little permanent tattoo dots they mark with you with. I am guessing that's where they will aim the radiation at . . . .
I guess for me, the odd part of all of that was just laying there with my girls, (well my girl and a half) exposed the whole time, and the "techs" doing this are guys of course.
And honestly as I lay there, I'm just thinking, they aren't looking at me like wow look at those scars, it's just another x-ray...and I am fine with that, I just would have liked it if they covered me up when they weren't doing anything. . . .
Then we leave, Eric is with me, and we drive over to where I am having the CT scan done.
Ok, let me say this...I'm tired today and little crabby, I didn't sleep good last night, my mouth hurts today...yeah yeah, complain, complain. (so the mood has been set)
I'm called in, and given a gown with 3 arm holes and a pair of bottoms.
Put the gown on with the opening in the back. . . .
Ok, I go into the room and proceed to put the gown on with 3 arm holes. How does this work? what is the front and the back, and basically what the hell?
I finally manage to get this "thing" on, it's too tight and choking me around the neck and I can't get off. Plus, she puts me in room, with no place for me to put my stuff, so I have to figure how to get out of this thing. It's like a friggin straight jacket, I am NOT kidding.
I finally get it over my head, I'm now sweating..because hey, steroids are my friend, and well, I'm a little pissed.
I put my clothes back on, go out to the little tiny skinny girl, looks like she weighs about 90 lbs, and I say, it doesn't fit, it might fit you, and I'm not changing out of my pants.
Hey, now I'm in control!
She says all of the gowns are mixed up, so she just grabbed one, I wanted to say someone should organize them, perhaps you could check the size, since you do this everyday and probably know where the size of this stupid thing would be located, I mean, a bunch of things ran through my chemo brain, I resisted though.
She said if your bottoms don't have metal in them, then you don't need to change them. Metal, yeah, I'm carrying a bomb around in my sweats.
So, I go in for the CT Scan, and the tech guy tells me I'll be having contrast die, so I'll be getting an iv, ok no biggie. Gets the bee-bee on the tattoos, and then runs the scan...and done!
So, now all of this will go to the Dr., he'll figure out the time frame and so on.
He thinks treatment will be 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week.
Good news is. . . . . .I will be starting radiation on 11-30-09. . . . at 7:30 every weekday morning.
I think this will work out good time wise.
He said I will be tired, might have some irritation from radiation, some possible soreness.
He wants me to get rested, get my UC under control and maybe even weaned down more on the steroids.
Enjoy my Thanksgiving.
Kinda weird.
I go to have the first part done, an x-ray and the marking part.
The little permanent tattoo dots they mark with you with. I am guessing that's where they will aim the radiation at . . . .
I guess for me, the odd part of all of that was just laying there with my girls, (well my girl and a half) exposed the whole time, and the "techs" doing this are guys of course.
And honestly as I lay there, I'm just thinking, they aren't looking at me like wow look at those scars, it's just another x-ray...and I am fine with that, I just would have liked it if they covered me up when they weren't doing anything. . . .
Then we leave, Eric is with me, and we drive over to where I am having the CT scan done.
Ok, let me say this...I'm tired today and little crabby, I didn't sleep good last night, my mouth hurts today...yeah yeah, complain, complain. (so the mood has been set)
I'm called in, and given a gown with 3 arm holes and a pair of bottoms.
Put the gown on with the opening in the back. . . .
Ok, I go into the room and proceed to put the gown on with 3 arm holes. How does this work? what is the front and the back, and basically what the hell?
I finally manage to get this "thing" on, it's too tight and choking me around the neck and I can't get off. Plus, she puts me in room, with no place for me to put my stuff, so I have to figure how to get out of this thing. It's like a friggin straight jacket, I am NOT kidding.
I finally get it over my head, I'm now sweating..because hey, steroids are my friend, and well, I'm a little pissed.
I put my clothes back on, go out to the little tiny skinny girl, looks like she weighs about 90 lbs, and I say, it doesn't fit, it might fit you, and I'm not changing out of my pants.
Hey, now I'm in control!
She says all of the gowns are mixed up, so she just grabbed one, I wanted to say someone should organize them, perhaps you could check the size, since you do this everyday and probably know where the size of this stupid thing would be located, I mean, a bunch of things ran through my chemo brain, I resisted though.
She said if your bottoms don't have metal in them, then you don't need to change them. Metal, yeah, I'm carrying a bomb around in my sweats.
So, I go in for the CT Scan, and the tech guy tells me I'll be having contrast die, so I'll be getting an iv, ok no biggie. Gets the bee-bee on the tattoos, and then runs the scan...and done!
So, now all of this will go to the Dr., he'll figure out the time frame and so on.
He thinks treatment will be 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week.
Good news is. . . . . .I will be starting radiation on 11-30-09. . . . at 7:30 every weekday morning.
I think this will work out good time wise.
He said I will be tired, might have some irritation from radiation, some possible soreness.
He wants me to get rested, get my UC under control and maybe even weaned down more on the steroids.
Enjoy my Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Did. . . . .
not have a really great night last night thanks to a migraine.
So today, feeling kind of crummy and really tired.
I hope I sleep better tonight. . .
Mostly, I am thinking about tomorrow and these tests. You could say I am preoccupied right now, and me being me, that's to be expected.
When I get like this, I really just want to be left alone.
The other thing bothering me is my face hurts.
I'm still so swollen and I know this going to take a while to go away. And the really stupid thing I want to say is that although I am really looking forward to meeting this coach, I hope he doesn't think I look like some kind of freak.
Like I said, stupid thing, but right now, being tired and swollen, it's just hard to get past how I feel and how I feel the world see's me. Chances are no one thinks anything of this, but I do and I'm having a hard time with it. Maybe I just look like a person that's overweight, so if I slap on make-up on it won't be any big deal? Stupid what bothers me, but it does.
Guess that's something else to figure out along the way. . . . wow!
So today, feeling kind of crummy and really tired.
I hope I sleep better tonight. . .
Mostly, I am thinking about tomorrow and these tests. You could say I am preoccupied right now, and me being me, that's to be expected.
When I get like this, I really just want to be left alone.
The other thing bothering me is my face hurts.
I'm still so swollen and I know this going to take a while to go away. And the really stupid thing I want to say is that although I am really looking forward to meeting this coach, I hope he doesn't think I look like some kind of freak.
Like I said, stupid thing, but right now, being tired and swollen, it's just hard to get past how I feel and how I feel the world see's me. Chances are no one thinks anything of this, but I do and I'm having a hard time with it. Maybe I just look like a person that's overweight, so if I slap on make-up on it won't be any big deal? Stupid what bothers me, but it does.
Guess that's something else to figure out along the way. . . . wow!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wow. . . .
I actually feel a little happy today.
My first "NON- Toxic Tuesday"
A little tired, just relieved a little bit. (she sighs)
Last night I slept ok, and second night in a row I did not take anything to sleep.
I don't like taking things to sleep, and after the day I had yesterday I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
So, I am kind of at a day by day thing right now, and I am not really sure how this works.
Do I start to feel just a little bit better each day, or do I go back and forth?
A question I don't really know the answer to, but in my mind, I am telling myself I start to feel a little bit better each day.
I just keep expecting to just get up and feel great and go, but then I am reminded how tired and low energy I am right now.
I went and bought a blender and couldn't hold it because it was too heavy, so not like me. (the things we take for granted)
I know I keep talking about this too, but Thursday has me kind of freaked out.
I know it's because I don't know what to expect. I am sure I will feel better after I talk to Dr. Miller, so I need to stay calm..ha ha
I am looking forward to Friday, and taking Hannah down for her recruiting trip. Looking forward to meeting the coach too. So, it's good all in all.
My first "NON- Toxic Tuesday"
A little tired, just relieved a little bit. (she sighs)
Last night I slept ok, and second night in a row I did not take anything to sleep.
I don't like taking things to sleep, and after the day I had yesterday I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
So, I am kind of at a day by day thing right now, and I am not really sure how this works.
Do I start to feel just a little bit better each day, or do I go back and forth?
A question I don't really know the answer to, but in my mind, I am telling myself I start to feel a little bit better each day.
I just keep expecting to just get up and feel great and go, but then I am reminded how tired and low energy I am right now.
I went and bought a blender and couldn't hold it because it was too heavy, so not like me. (the things we take for granted)
I know I keep talking about this too, but Thursday has me kind of freaked out.
I know it's because I don't know what to expect. I am sure I will feel better after I talk to Dr. Miller, so I need to stay calm..ha ha
I am looking forward to Friday, and taking Hannah down for her recruiting trip. Looking forward to meeting the coach too. So, it's good all in all.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I. . . . .
thought I was going to start feeling better. UGH
I know there is a joke here someplace, but do you think everything is connected?
Yeah, I'm like a giant UC, esophagus, sinus mess. My parting gift from Taxol?
funny
I know there is a joke here someplace, but do you think everything is connected?
Yeah, I'm like a giant UC, esophagus, sinus mess. My parting gift from Taxol?
funny
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sun. . .
morning....waking up to running to the bathroom is really getting old. Chemo stopped last week, what the hell is going on?
Hannah is sick, no ODP. guess it's a good thing, not like I can drive out there right now anyway.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I REALLY wanted to go out for breakfast too. I was thinking I would drop her off and go order breakfast from some place and sit in my car and eat it. I am craving french toast. and not the kind I make here, it's always soggy. it's not like I would go order and sit in coffee shop by myself out in Claremont...where ever the hell Claremont is anyway. . . . yes breakfast for one. . .
Ok, and the Bubba is working. . .it's Sunday.
I did take a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night, but I'm pretty groggy still. Am I going to start feeling different this week? how does this work now?
Honestly, I'm pretty scared about the Radiation, probably because it's something different that I don't really know about. I just really want to feel good and have a good day today. That's really the bottom line here.
See how my mind jumps around...food, sleep, make no sense. I'm all jumbled up in here.
the Chemo Scramble...yesterday I started crying for no reason in the car...I have got to get off of these steroids. . . .
and while I am rambling, I am not sure about this group thing I have been invited to join. Not sure if it's right for me, I got an email from a person with the same kind of cancer. hers has reoccurred, and her email was strange to me, because how do you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, say Hi, you've just gone through your 1st round of chemo, heard you might be joining our group..Well mines back, blah blah blah... tell me about yours. . . .ummmmmm, hmmm. Gotta think about this. Not the approach I would use, so I am still in the thinking phase here.
I'm in the thinking phase really with everything, like contacting people to clear the air, not good at it, but it's gotta be done, so we can move on right? wish me luck, could work out, could be a disaster.
but I have limited typing time here, the bathroom calls, yet again.
Hannah is sick, no ODP. guess it's a good thing, not like I can drive out there right now anyway.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I REALLY wanted to go out for breakfast too. I was thinking I would drop her off and go order breakfast from some place and sit in my car and eat it. I am craving french toast. and not the kind I make here, it's always soggy. it's not like I would go order and sit in coffee shop by myself out in Claremont...where ever the hell Claremont is anyway. . . . yes breakfast for one. . .
Ok, and the Bubba is working. . .it's Sunday.
I did take a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night, but I'm pretty groggy still. Am I going to start feeling different this week? how does this work now?
Honestly, I'm pretty scared about the Radiation, probably because it's something different that I don't really know about. I just really want to feel good and have a good day today. That's really the bottom line here.
See how my mind jumps around...food, sleep, make no sense. I'm all jumbled up in here.
the Chemo Scramble...yesterday I started crying for no reason in the car...I have got to get off of these steroids. . . .
and while I am rambling, I am not sure about this group thing I have been invited to join. Not sure if it's right for me, I got an email from a person with the same kind of cancer. hers has reoccurred, and her email was strange to me, because how do you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, say Hi, you've just gone through your 1st round of chemo, heard you might be joining our group..Well mines back, blah blah blah... tell me about yours. . . .ummmmmm, hmmm. Gotta think about this. Not the approach I would use, so I am still in the thinking phase here.
I'm in the thinking phase really with everything, like contacting people to clear the air, not good at it, but it's gotta be done, so we can move on right? wish me luck, could work out, could be a disaster.
but I have limited typing time here, the bathroom calls, yet again.
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