hey. . . .

tossing my cookies this am, or I should say my toast.
isn't vertigo grand?
Imagine sitting in a chair and you feel like your in a rocking chair, but your not!
Fun stuff.
Leslie, thank you for the comic relief, I really need it :)

So. . . .

I still have vertigo, day four.
It's a little bit better tonight, so I am thinking that it's getting better now.
I am going to have to talk to the Dr. on Monday when I see him and see if he has any ideas. At least he won't run another brain MRI on me since I just had one.
It's funny, because I am just trying to get through each day and really I try to not think about how I am feeling. I don't want to dwell on it, because if I do I start to focus on how crappy I feel.
I still have this numbness and tingling in my right arm/hand, and I still hobble around when I get up. It's really quite painful.
I think that people must think that once you finish your treatment, you feel OK. Good as new, So get going already.
Well I'm here to say that's not the case, at least not for me.
And I feel like I'm pretty positive and I try to be strong. sometimes it's hard though, to be strong that is.
Sometimes I just feel like crying, then I try to not think about it.
I'm two months out of chemo, and hopefully just about done with radiation.
I am so SICK of getting up at 6:30, brushing my teeth, throwing something on and driving over there before 7am.
Why the hell did I pick this time of the morning?
By 1:00 I'm pooped, ready to crash. And lately, at dinner time, I'm not hungry. (that's the only positive thing here)
Oh and my right breast looks like it's been on vacation someplace, and my right armpit looks like it needs to come out of the sun completely.
Were are having some fun now.
I'm just ready for all of this to over.

My. . . .

Vertigo is back! Not like a welcomed friend.
I am so sick of not feeling good, and m0st of all I didn't want this back.
It started when I woke up yesterday am. UGH!!!
Couldn't even drive to radiation this am, I am sure I'll get hell for that tomorrow am, and regardless of how I feel, I have to go. Eric may be driving me.
In the meantime, I feel exhausted today. I have been at my desk since this am and am still in my pj's. At this point why bother getting dressed, not like I can go anyplace, or that I even would, but I am usually dressed at this point.
What can I say but YUCK!!

I. . . .

am ready for all of this stuff to be over with!
I've almost given birth here, time wise, without having the actual baby.
I am hopeful that the new year will be cancer free and treatment free in a couple of weeks!

Happy New Year!

Got. . . .

my MRI and bone scan test back and everything is good as far as no cancer anyplace else.
Honestly, I wasn't really worried about that.
What was really interesting was seeing my Radiation Onc. Dr associate yesterday. I told him about all of the pain and numbness, (and we aren't taking about a little tingle here and there, this wakes me up at night, wont let me get to sleep at night, hurts constantly, makes me hobble around....get the drift?)
Know what he says? "were you on Taxol "?
Huh! only the most disgusting, and hideous chemo drug known to man. . . Was I on Taxol I said? are you kidding??
I said, yes, why?? he then tells me that Taxol causes sever nerve damage.
ha ha, once again the joke is on me.
Sever nerve damage! WTF!! he then tells me that oncologists won't tell you this. I mean, why would they?
So you can say sorry I won't be taking this drug, like in my case I didn't even have a choice as there are really only two drugs we can take after the A/C.
And. . . .I was reading on on the triple negative forum, and so MANY women have nerve damage. It's also called nuropathy, which I had in my fingers and toes all through Taxol, told my dr and she never said a word.
On the blog, one person posted that the nerve damage symptoms start to peak about 2-5 months after you have been off of Taxol...hello that's right about when all of this started to happen.
Right on schedule, that's me!
So, what the other Dr told me yesterday was that he has had great results with some B-12 treatments...actually b-1 and b-12 helps grow the "casing" that surrounds the nerves. A lot of what I am feeling is nerves growing back, along with nerve damage, and so I am now taking this supplement and am looking into b-12 injections... (the supplement is a powder because b-12 is hard to absorb, and this is a better way) who knows!
All I can say is if this gives me any relief I will be thrilled.
I am going to ask Dr.Miller on Monday why he didn't tell me about this or is his assoc a quack?
I mean after all, most Dr.'s don't suggest non-medical means of treatment. Hey and I'm all for a more natural way as opposed to taking yet some other kind of pill or drug.
Time will tell!

The. . . .

Ipod nano dilemma!
I just spent 15 mins on hold with apple to find out that if you don't have the headphones plugged in, the exterior speaker will play music if it's turned on.
This of course is after holding for 15 min. and after looking at the online manual for 20 mins.
This is what I get for trying to "help out"
I think Hannah owes me big time.
So much for my diversion. . . .
Yesterday I went to have the rest of my MRI done, it took all of 5 minutes.
The drive over there took longer!
Hopefully I will get some of these results back this week.
My right harm and shoulder is still hurting and this numb tingling all the way down to my hand is driving me CRAZY!! Maybe its a pinched nerve??
I am almost certain that I have to start walking in order to get this weird hip/leg thing to go away.
It's like after I am sitting for awhile I get up, then I am hobbling around, or if I stand too long, it just starts hurting.
I am really sick of all of this!
I don't talk about it too much, unless Eric makes the mistake of asking me, then I usually start crying.
Also, I am convinced I'm going through menopause, so that makes it worse. (the crying part)
When I talked to my reg. Dr a week ago, she said I can't do hormones...(the type of breast cancer I have or had doesn't respond to hormones, meaning my body wont respond. . .) I have all the fun!
It's like I told Eric today, it's not like I have just gone through having cancer and then dealing with the treatment.
I get all of these little bonus "things" that have gone along with it.
All I know is I am going to get crabby if all of this doesn't go away soon!

It's. . . .

Christmas Eve morning!
That means tomorrow's Christmas and I don't have to get up and go to radiation. (I might actually get to sleep in a little. . .like to 7 would be great!)
Although, we may still get up at the crack of dawn if Hannah wakes up early. I hope not!
Yesterday I had my brain MRI and a C Spine MRI, like two for the price of one, well not really.
So the test is with contrast, and I was actually thinking about how the tech would do this because the 1st part is without contrast and the 2nd part is with. I figured he would have it all under control right?
But, remember, we're talking about ME here, and my experiences with tests and techs and all of that stuff. . .
Ok, so back to the the MRI...Not fun, although I've got this little goggle thing going on with closed captioned TV (for the hearing impaired)..and in my case the sight impaired..
Oh and if you close your eyes for a little bit you've missed some of what was said so you don't know what the hell you just missed.
Why did I choose Law and Order anyways? Like this had to be from the 80's or something...
Ok, so the goggle thing is on and then this head thing like a cage over my head.
Where am I gonna go?
Now I'm back in this machine and I'm feeling a little funny, so I get a fan blowing air on me and I'm all set.
Get though the 1st part of the test, and now for the contrast, honestly, it felt really good to be out of that thing, it's loud and just awful.
Now I'm back in for round two, then I asked for a break, and that's when the tech tells me we have a slight problem.
Did I say a slight problem?
Yes, seems he "had a brain fart" ...his words... and for got about the C spine part without the contrast part of the test.
Yes, I get to go back.
So what could I say to him, you're an idiot? what the hell were you thinking? How about, are you kidding me?
No, I just said don't worry about it I'll come back...on Saturday, he assured me it would only take 10 minutes.
Merry Christmas!
Oh well, it could be worse, so 10 minutes I can handle.
But honestly, I feel like I've really been tested through this whole thing and sometimes I'd just like to get mad, but what would that prove? See if I was on steroids I would have come unglued.
(it might have felt really good though...wink wink!)
And if things couldn't get worse, I get a call from Edie the other night.
Yes the long lost drunken mother returns for act????
I don't have it in me right now to deal with all of that.
But of course, it still gets the better of me, even now, even after all of this time.
After I've digested my feelings and thoughts, I'll put it down.
That will take a few days for sure.