wow. . . .

I slept last night, thanks to lunestra, and cutting down those steroids.
OK, info from Radiation Onc. dr. a little much yesterday. I guess it's a combo of tired/wired, TMI and trying to digest everything.
So my plan right now?
Gonna call James, James James the man who can, he can do anything he can get you that scan. Poor attempt at a rap!! guess I need to add that he's a bad and that I'm a poor attempt for a rapper. Maybe a poet! ha ha
speaking I guess just about me, since hey, it is all about me right? I see the neuro today and see if he's removing some staples. I thought a little soon, but Dr. Miller said they may come out. shit, I hope that doesn't hurt!
Then tomorrow I'm having an MRI of neck and spine and that area. We do this to make sure nothing lurking around there, and I believe I will be clear. I know i will be, way too much trouble to cause around here!! Ask my friends!
Ok, so the cleaning goes on, wow, what does a girl gotta do to get her house cleaned, wait does that sound like I'm saying something else? No wait it's the brain surgery.
Leslie, Where is your half of my brain please??
Wow ok James is the man, got my Scan going for Monday, time to light me up woo hoo.
Hannah safe and sound from grad night, no major drama, for a change!
and for now, I think this is good. . . .

ok, , , ,

so lets get this show on the raod right?? My man maid is a shampooing fool! the carpet that is.
Radiation Dr. today, need to schedule a body scan too, and neuro tomorrow...woo hoo...best part??
Hannah's party on Sat.
So some COMFY slippers, makes me feel like I'm walking on clouds and Donna's soup, ok it's pretty goo
Eric and I are going to the party store, need a few things and it feels good to feel like things are somewhat normal.
The only thing bugging me? I don't really think about someone had like opened my head, but I think about stupid things like, can I sleep lying down instead of trying to sit up at all night, so guess what? I can't sleep. I know this much, I am getting something today to sleep, I'm on 75 mg of steroids...hey me an Arnold right??
Hannah has grad night tonight, I know she will have a blast. She is stress this am about her ap calc test, but you know, she will do the best she can do.
And even more exciting news?/ Her housing info came today for College, OMG here we go I am so excited this is going to be AMAZING!!!

I. . . .

am so hungry! figures...ok can't wait for some lunch. Hey this is exciting news....
Yeah, so I guess had we gone ahead with head mri this am I would have bought the machine. that or it would have pulled the stapes out of my head. May not have felt too good.
OK, Hannah's party on sat...yay I can't wait the taco cart lady just called and confirmed, and I am so excited, plus I have a man maid...Eric only he won;t wear one of those little uniforms! damn it all.

what. . . .

a whirlwind...Brain surgery on Friday, had been feeling bad for about 4 weeks, pain in my neck using ice and heat, pain pills muscle relaxers, I think my family thought i was crazy. They come to find out that I had a 5.5 cm mass growing in my head. They felt horrible, I feel horrible, I love them so much, I can't even put into words how i feel. What would I do without my Baby and my Bubba.???
I don't even remember Friday night. Apparently I had an mri of my brain, and came out throwing up, I told Eric he was crazy, he said he sat and held my hand through it. I don't remember. I have been really lucky, I've felt no real pain, no numbness, no tingling... Just some weird eye stuff going on, but that's to be expected as I have brain swelling...hello, just had brain surgery.
OK the nurses at Los Robles were nothing short of amazing.
Got the whole dr thing going on now, the rest of the week. . . .
Best thing right now?? Hannies party on Sat, she is excited, I am so glad. I didn't want anything to spoil this for her. and Graduation on the 10th, I can't believe it.
Jimmy and Debbie, I can't even thank you enough. I love you both.
Leslie, Mommy in charge, you have come to my rescue again, you are an angel, I love you.
Diana and Lisa, thank you I love you. I feel surrounded by love and healing light and prayer.
My girls, thank you for the text's and the visits in the hospital

been

up since 3 am, throwing up.
Pain is worse than any of the chemo stuff, I cannot stand this, can't eat anything, nothing tastes good, Eric keep trying to feed me because of all of the pills, can't eat smells bad, tastes bad I am so sick of this, I can't sleep....wine wine wine. This is horrible.
am going to pain dr today hope something Can be done here :(

Stupid

Drs....so all of them get this MRI report and no one reads it....
So frustrating. I go tomorrow to get another mri of my neck...c-spine, then I am going to pain Dr. so they can find some gigantic needle to shove into my neck right? All I care about at this point is having no more pain..PLEASE. I know why people become addicts. If I wasn't allergic to vicodine I'd of been having some fun for sure. so strange that since chemo I can't take it anymore. wonder why?
OK, is what it is! So MRI tomorrow night, pain dr on Thursday am, then eye dr on Friday am. I really want to know if this nerve thing is affecting my eye, if not hat is causing all of this pain, and pressure, and fullness feeling?? I'm sick of the flashing light thing too.
Ok, I got through cancer I'm gonna get through this.
I've got to get my head around this, I can do it and get to feeling a little better. Pain is an amazing thing. I am so wrapped up in myself and how I feel, it's all consuming. I keep apologizing to Eric and Hannah, shit, they've been through enough already.
Ok, I missed a trip last year, and it's not happening again. I am going on this little Mexico cruise with Lisa and the girls on june 14, I will be feeling much better soon, and then I can start WALKING...the little things we take for granted, and what seems so important, when you aren't able to do it. really means the most. So, stay positive, and hoping Kelly will send me positive energy...I really need it now.

I. . . .

have felt so crappy for about two weeks, today is the first day I don't have a migraine, and as soon as I woke up I put heat on my neck, and then ice, and I am not turning my head, but instead my body, and now it doesn't hurt. I feel like going to the chiro made everything worse.
I have not taken a muscle relaxer today, just some tylenol. Will see what neuro says on Thursday.
I'm not very good at this mother thing, the stress from the constant arguing is so upsetting.
If someone else tells me "she's just separating, I think I will scream" the truth of the matter is, this is how she is, and she doesn't want me in her life and messing things up or asking questions.
I'm just do disappointed with everything. Trying not to feel sorry for myself, I just felt like after coming through everything I've been though, I'd be at a different place at this point. I'm having a hard time figuring all of this out.