Ever. . . . .

hear the saying, " If the cancer doesn't kill you the treatment will?"
So Sunday is supposed to be the day I start to feel better, or so I thought.
I had this figured out that Sunday is my better day, Monday a little better, then chemo and mega doses of steroids on Tuesday....then it starts all over again.
WRONG...I drug myself out of the house for my big outing, the market and walked around like a zombie, only to come home and resume Saturdays position on the couch.
I slept all day Saturday, laid on the sofa all day Sunday but manged to make some kind of crock pot stuff for Eric because he worked all weekend.
He's killing himself...working like this, taking care of me..this is a pity party... a little, but he sure got the short end of the stick I'd say.
I couldn't sleep last night, so it makes it really hard to try and be positive. I really do try, but I just can't seem to muster it up, and I was hoping to get a good day in here before tomorrow.
My body just really hurts and in really strange places. Like my butt, my hips, legs, feet, fingers, toes...besides the arms, and ribs and muscles....
Why on earth is taxol the preferred drug here? someones idea of a really cruel joke!

I. . . .

Hope I can get through these next 9 weeks. This just gets worse as it goes, and nothing I eat or drink tastes right.
Trying to to pick my self up a little, but I have to admit this is so hard. Yesterday, Friday was the worst day yet. Grrrrrrr.
Gonna see if Hannah will go get me a tea from starbucks.....

Wednesday. . . . .

So I'm having an ok day....went to the office and had a really nice birthday lunch!! Thank you EVERYONE!!!
I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night and I am glad that I did because this not sleeping at night is driving me crazy.
How am I feeling now? still wired from all of the steroids, and feeling tired at the same time if that makes sense??? it's so hot outside, but I know when I try to go to sleep tonight it will be another one of those nights, and I am dreading tomorrow because it's Thursday and I know what starts on Thursday...my fingers and toes are already getting numb so it's starting a little early...fun stuff, NOT
Still waiting for the 3 day info to come, I don't want to sign up until I get it and really read up and watch the video, because once I make the commitment I am in it and I can't back out.
The 1st thing I need to do is think of a team name...something to do with TNBC will have to ask Leslie for help here... c'mon my Witty girl friend!!
My plan for tomorrow is to do some work, and try and get my self back to a pattern, maybe since the UC has calmed down I can just deal with the pain and aches and work a partial day.
That is my plan, so we will go with that!

You....

know you've had a great dinner the night before when you wake up in the morning, in my case 4am, and can't stop going to the bathroom!
Well, in my case it's not really the dinner, it's more like the newly formed friendship (no pun intended) of the taxol and uc.. hey maybe i'm on to something "taxoluc" or perhaps taxol-u lop-o-lis..I like that, Ummmm dr. Kahl, I would like to explain taxolulopolis and the principals of poop o lopolis to you. They are closely related and there is a molecular balance that must occur in order for one to work completely within the other, and therefore it is quite complicated and the balance must be achieved for success, but I do believe this can be obtained....
yeah, fun stuff, NOT
So the big 50 yesterday, and it was nice day, thanks to imodium. :) well, I'd like to say it helped me get out of the house, so that i could have a nice day.
Eric wanted to take me to lunch, but these days, food is not my friend, well actually it has nothing to do with the food, as is does not matter what I ingest.. (more a less), ok yeah so back to me, because it's all about me...
So no lunch, the thought of another public bathroom after albertsons is not something I really want in my future. No lunch, but I asked for a rain check...was able to get out of the house around 11, we went and got me some pj bottoms, cause I lounge a lot these days, yeah I'm a real lady of leisure these days, and a new nose ring.
Dinner was GREAT we went to Ruths Chris, couldn't eat too much, but Hannah will have a great lunch.
Hannah bought me some perfect earrings (I am so picky) I love them. Ok ready for this, she had the girls write me cards and put them into a book, I looked at this and started crying, thinking about it, makes me want to cry, but it gave me some hope and some strength and she has no idea how much that little gesture meant.
My bubba, gave me some money that he has been saving since I started this thing because I have been wanting another tattoo, and I am sure that may be shocking to some, maybe not, but I have been wanting a Kanji and a Lotus flower for some time. Now it has so much more meaning. I have been looking for a tattoo artist for about 2 years, and I found an amazing one, in all places simi...but she is the real deal. when I started chemo, I found out I had to wait until after chemo. . .so whats a few more months? I'll go see her soon, and have her draw something, and then...it'll give me something to look forward to. Oh yeah my tattoo rule for women, never anyplace that sags! gross old woman + saggy tattoo = GROSS!!! find a laser Dr.
Ok, so the nose ring...on my birthday. yes I have a nose ring, have had it for quite some time...tiny tiny and I love it. No midlife crisis, wanted it for a long time, ok so I get a tiny tiny solid gold nose bone (tiny ball on both ends....) got the picture, yeah..so I'm gonna put it in myself. WRONG needless to say, on the way back from dinner Hannah, Eric and I stopped at Nathans and we waited, Hannah finds a fedora in there, cha-ching...anything else you'd like Hannah?, can I interest you in two hats perhaps you'd like that lovely big gold thing hanging there? what the hell is that for??
anyway, you have to stretch the little tiny hole out to get the little tiny ball through...2 times 2nd time it's a little bigger, but she put numbing stuff on, it works doesn't it??
yeah, happy b.day to me I say, she says, oh..Happy Birthday, on the house!
Driving home with my new nose ring Eric says, is that permanent? how do you take it out? what if you want to change it. say I.."you go back and have her cut it off" he asks again...it's permanent, you can't change it LOL!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! LMAO!! ha ha
I love it!

Well. . . . .

I am really trying to feel better, but chemo # 2 sucks big time.
Thursday starts with the aches and pain. And I'm talking been hit in the ribs kind of pain.
I now have a have a bladder infection and my UC is starting up officially. Upped prednisone to 10mg, and taking diarrhea medicine too. hey the fun never stops. I figure no one is even reading reading this anymore because it's too depressing!
Oh yeah, the big 50 on Monday. I am exhausted.
We are having the girls over for a bbq later, or I should say Hannah is. Trying to get house cleaned up and got most of the stuff. I am really glad some of the girls are bringing salads and such because beyond making some dip, I'm low energy today.
Yesterday when my reg dr called and said I have the bladder infection from hell I started crying, it was about that time Eric said he had to go to work. I don't blame him.
This is so hard on him.
The 1st round of chemo was hard but easier, this taxol lasts another 10 weeks, and honestly, I am trying so hard, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't feel good.

Tuesday. . . . . .

ok, so chemo #2....10 more weeks to go
It would seem that I now have some kind of inner ear infection on top of everything else. This just sucks.
How am I supposed to be positive and feel better emotionally and spiritually when I feel like shit physically? How did I get to this place?
One good thing today I think I may be going to a cancer retreat in October ...I am waiting to get more info from them.
I am also thinking about doing the 3-day in October 2010....it will take about a year for me to train considering I have 10 more weeks of chemo then radiation...and for how long that goes I have no idea at this point.
I saw my reg Dr. today too and she is going to try to translate what the Onc Dr told me, because I have no idea what is going on, other than 10 weeks of chemo and radiation.
It's so frustrating not to know what is coming or at least (at the very least) what to expect. I think this is why I am so upset. Because I have no knowledge, and I don't want to just research because my situation has nothing to do with someone else's (sorry someone else)
I don't what what a marker is, how we determine what it is or what mine is if I even have it.
I don't know when I see the Rad Dr, how long that will last..or who he/she even is
I don't know if I am having another mamo or pet ct, if I am when, what does that determine
I don't know if the cancer is gone, if it's spread
I don't want to be told, "oh it will be fine" or "it will work"
I just want some basic information so that I have knowledge and I feel like I know what is going on with my body and my cancer.
Is this too unreasonable?

Another. . . .

sleepless night!
I still feel like I've been run over by a truck. I need to talk to onc dr on Tues about how I am feeling. This is pretty awful.
Leslie, thank you for your am humor. . . . .pancakes and cow pies. yum