I have Bronchitis! how the hell did I get this? that's what the Onc dr asked me yesterday...I told her I got it from her since the only place I go is to her office and home...and home and home and home.. . . .oh yeah, and my UC is back, or should I say didn't really leave and wonder if the antibiotics she put me on is causing a flare up, because some do cause this...inquiring minds want to know...maybe I should say my inquiring bottom would like to know, but hey, (no pun intended)
if I stop coughing and throwing up and wheezing and I can walk up the stairs, and take in a breathe that is a good thing, what's a little more diarrhea?
I'll just pray to the lomitil god and ask for relief....
Yeah lots of fun and stress at my house these days, so that helps matters...Calgon take me away, but not in my bathtub...I need like a really nice one with candles and stuff...yeah, in some other place where I'm not listening to my damn dogs bark, my kid giving me grief, I'm not crying at the drop of the hat because of all of these steroids I'm on....which I can't can't control...
I'm a barrel of laughs too.
I hope I get my family back after all of this.
yesterday was 5....I have 4 more to go
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
It's Sunday. . .
where did the week go? it's been like a complete blurr......
Hannah's at Cal Cup today, 3 has three games. Sylvia took her to USC Men's Water Polo yesterday, thank you for rescuing her from me...yesterday was HORRIBLE!!!!! and I was Horrible. I HATE STEROIDS
So of all things my UC starts up last night, and I still can't figure out why when I walk up stairs I am completely out of breath. Bizarre. Like I have been working out, but in fact all I've done is walked up the stairs...or now in actuality, avoid walking upstairs until it's time to go to bed.
I'm pathetic.
I've got 5 more weeks of this, it kind of pisses me off when someone says its just five more weeks...yes I know...it's only been like 24 weeks...had a 2 week break....when this is over I have about a 2 week week break then I start 7 weeks of radiation.
If I can loose this 30 lbs of steroids on my face and neck I'll be really happy.
I'm going to the market today, my big outing for the week...just waiting for Eric to get home to take me.
We went to dinner last night, I almost tossed up my entire dinner in the car ride home. I guess we shouldn't go out for a while.....
OK, so boring stuff, that's it for now...trying not to wallow in too much self pity today
Hannah's at Cal Cup today, 3 has three games. Sylvia took her to USC Men's Water Polo yesterday, thank you for rescuing her from me...yesterday was HORRIBLE!!!!! and I was Horrible. I HATE STEROIDS
So of all things my UC starts up last night, and I still can't figure out why when I walk up stairs I am completely out of breath. Bizarre. Like I have been working out, but in fact all I've done is walked up the stairs...or now in actuality, avoid walking upstairs until it's time to go to bed.
I'm pathetic.
I've got 5 more weeks of this, it kind of pisses me off when someone says its just five more weeks...yes I know...it's only been like 24 weeks...had a 2 week break....when this is over I have about a 2 week week break then I start 7 weeks of radiation.
If I can loose this 30 lbs of steroids on my face and neck I'll be really happy.
I'm going to the market today, my big outing for the week...just waiting for Eric to get home to take me.
We went to dinner last night, I almost tossed up my entire dinner in the car ride home. I guess we shouldn't go out for a while.....
OK, so boring stuff, that's it for now...trying not to wallow in too much self pity today
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Toxic Tuesday....
Well, I asked for Taxol lite today and only received a very strange look from my nurse, and a "nice try".
Mega dose of steroids has me on a string. . .
Yesterday went and saw primary care Dr., had her in tears, I couldn't stop crying she said it's the steroids, actually the 1st thing she said when she saw me was your on prednisone, how much?
yeah...classic big fat round face, bloating..I look like a fat pig. Feel great, look great. Can hardly wait for the week.
I have like one "ok" day a week now, and the constant mood swings makes it even harder. I just screamed at Hannah because she smarted off to me, like she knows I'm on this tight rope but just keeps pushing me, and I honestly can't control this very good.
All of my emotions are on on my sleeve and out of my mouth before anyone even says anything.
This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done, and on Sunday I felt like I was/am just loosing all faith here. I can't stand feeling so sick, sweating, waking up coughing and throwing up, aches and pains and everything else.
My life is on hold and I am moving through some kind of process that is robbing me of all of joy. It better be worth it, because if it comes back I will not do this again.
Mega dose of steroids has me on a string. . .
Yesterday went and saw primary care Dr., had her in tears, I couldn't stop crying she said it's the steroids, actually the 1st thing she said when she saw me was your on prednisone, how much?
yeah...classic big fat round face, bloating..I look like a fat pig. Feel great, look great. Can hardly wait for the week.
I have like one "ok" day a week now, and the constant mood swings makes it even harder. I just screamed at Hannah because she smarted off to me, like she knows I'm on this tight rope but just keeps pushing me, and I honestly can't control this very good.
All of my emotions are on on my sleeve and out of my mouth before anyone even says anything.
This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done, and on Sunday I felt like I was/am just loosing all faith here. I can't stand feeling so sick, sweating, waking up coughing and throwing up, aches and pains and everything else.
My life is on hold and I am moving through some kind of process that is robbing me of all of joy. It better be worth it, because if it comes back I will not do this again.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Saturday. . . .
it is Saturday right? what a funk I am in. Lets see, Thursday night was a really bad night, and I did not sleep the whole night, I dozed for like 1 1/2 on Friday to find that a friend had made this amazing dinner and left it on our porch. I kid you not, It was amazing because I has no idea what I was going to do about dinner, was exhausted from not sleeping, and well I just couldn't stop crying. What a mess! People have no idea how things like this impact me right now. I am so emotional, over everything.
Today Hannah drug me out, I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and when I got there, I couldn't even focus on looking at books, so we left, just really out of it still.
What I don't understand is why I am still waking up during the witching hour...sometime between 2-4am coughing and throwing up. Oh yeah and as a cruel joke Eric left the lid down on the toilet, get the picture? fun, not!
I need to clean my house but can't can't get the energy going and need to do some laundry, think I will enlist Hannah..... ugh
Today Hannah drug me out, I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and when I got there, I couldn't even focus on looking at books, so we left, just really out of it still.
What I don't understand is why I am still waking up during the witching hour...sometime between 2-4am coughing and throwing up. Oh yeah and as a cruel joke Eric left the lid down on the toilet, get the picture? fun, not!
I need to clean my house but can't can't get the energy going and need to do some laundry, think I will enlist Hannah..... ugh
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Nice. . . .
metal taste to go with my tongue ulceration that won't go away.. . .you know nothing will heal until after chemo! what was I thinking.
Luckily I was snagged some of these q-tip things that help with the pain for a little while...I am coveting them.
I made a huge pot of soup, thought I was going keep falling asleep while I was making it, but I did it and I froze 3 big containers, so now I am set.
I just have to say that my friends have been amazing and they still ask if they can cook, and even drop stuff off, and even though I resist it helps so much. I feel bad because I have been so sick from taxol that I literally can't get off of my butt to cook or stand or even go to the market. I feel like I am a disappointment to my family when I can even cook dinner and I am home all day. So little things like making dinners mean more to us than most even know, and we thank you and love you for helping us during this difficult time. You all have things going on in your lives, yet you take just a little extra time for us and again, it means everything to me!
6 more weeks!
Luckily I was snagged some of these q-tip things that help with the pain for a little while...I am coveting them.
I made a huge pot of soup, thought I was going keep falling asleep while I was making it, but I did it and I froze 3 big containers, so now I am set.
I just have to say that my friends have been amazing and they still ask if they can cook, and even drop stuff off, and even though I resist it helps so much. I feel bad because I have been so sick from taxol that I literally can't get off of my butt to cook or stand or even go to the market. I feel like I am a disappointment to my family when I can even cook dinner and I am home all day. So little things like making dinners mean more to us than most even know, and we thank you and love you for helping us during this difficult time. You all have things going on in your lives, yet you take just a little extra time for us and again, it means everything to me!
6 more weeks!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I...
can barely handle this.
It takes me until about 11:30 am to start feeling somewhat normal.
Like what is normal anymore?
I can't stop sweating from all of the steroids. And to be completely honest, this is far worse than I expected. I keep waking up sometime around 2 am coughing and trying to throw up at the same time. I thought all of these new tricks were done. Every time something new happens I'm like wow, now what?
7 more weeks of this?
It takes me until about 11:30 am to start feeling somewhat normal.
Like what is normal anymore?
I can't stop sweating from all of the steroids. And to be completely honest, this is far worse than I expected. I keep waking up sometime around 2 am coughing and trying to throw up at the same time. I thought all of these new tricks were done. Every time something new happens I'm like wow, now what?
7 more weeks of this?
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