Sat. . . .

means some venting. So read it or not.
I hate, yes I said the hate word, people that pretend to be interested in your well being.
You know the ones, that never call or email, and in some cases you you wish they wouldn't, but all of a sudden here they come creeping back in, because they are now in some kind of setting where they are reminded about you, and well, maybe just a tinge of guilt creeps up...oh wow, how's your Mom ? Bad enough they tell you the last time they see you, how much they care about you and they are crying, they are so upset...they want to do anything to help you, just ask them..... Please!! Wow, what if I did? What if I really needed something? I'd be up the creek without a paddle. Good thing I didn't count on this person, because they just disappeared.
And the funny thing is, I never believed them to begin with. Honestly, I have no ill will. I've been so uninvolved with this person for several months, that I've just kind of forgotten the original disappointment I felt when the phone never rang and the email's/texts never came...ah,,,, because I had an expectation! I am learning all of the time.
Don't say something you don't mean! Don't we teach this to our children??
I have forgiven and am moving on, I don't have time for bad feelings or hurt feelings, because I have to get through my next phase...Light Me Up Radiation
Yes....round three shall be called "Light Me Up" can hardly wait!
I am looking forward to at least a 2 week week break here, I am feeling a little greedy and hoping for 3.... dare I be so selfish?
Hmmmmm
Well, in keeping with the usual Sat. events...my UC has been here most of the day, still can't feel my fingers and toes...BUT...or should I say BUTT
if all goes well, I am planning on cutting down on my prednisone to 30 mg tomorrow. Yup all by myself.
hey at least Chemo is officially over, good bye Tuesdays at Dr. K's office!
I will drive Hannah out to ODP in Claremont tomorrow...stay there all day, me and my imodium and lomitil and maybe I won't even need it. I'm thinking I'll nap in the car, go to Barnes and Noble and then maybe the hours will pass quickly...because I am not sitting and watching practice, or driving home and then driving back.
Oh yeah, good times! :)
But really, They are!!

Ugh. . . . .

why do I hate Thursdays?
I feel like I've been run over by a train, I'm thinking it's just because I've had so much stuff pumped into my body, and by the time you've had the last one, your toxic levels must be so far up there, and EVERYTHING in your body is just wiped out, so therefore I am too.
Make sense?
I slept last night, with the aide of a 3mg lunesta. Finally sleep. I woke up to Hannah shrieking, I knew she got her SAT and was pleased...Yeah she was pleased, we are all really really more than pleased, and she won't be taking it in Nov. We are done with that.
Everything is falling into place now, and in a couple of weeks, we will have made some decisions and then she will be set. I don't like to talk about it until it's all put to bed so to speak. I hate bragging and talking about my kid all the time, I just prefer to keep things on the quieter side, with a little more humility, maybe share with those that really care or want to know.
But it's been rough. Me being so sick, so much stress for her with SAT, with classes, with college, with water polo all of it...with stress level so high over here I am so relieved to have a welcomed break, and this is more than a welcomed break. I feel for the first time in a long time like things will turn the corner and 2010 will be a great year for all of us.
Maybe part of the lesson, has been to try to keep focused no matter how difficult, and although I've been hard on her, that's kind of been my mantra through this thus far. That no matter what, we have to stick to the task at hand, and you can't loose site of what is most important, and what you want. I told her that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to and I believe that with my whole heart. So we shall see.
So . . .with that I'm going to think positively about the chicken recipe that Kristen gave me and i am going to try to put that in the over around 2 and we shall see....no guarantee's...Martha ain't over her...that is FOR SURE!

Can. . .

you say Hot Apple Pie and Banana bread??
yes, so this Banana bread shows up AGAIN, Thank you Debbie and Jimmy!
and then last night, A text from Myrtle...check your front porch...
A hot Apple Pie, not a store bought hot apple pie, but one that she got from her friend that just baked it!
I was going to bed, and just happened to check my phone and this message at 7 said this... (check your front porch...HA!)
guess what I had for dinner? yes dinner...a little slice of Hot Apple Pie
and yes, more than half of the Banana bread is gone, and half of the pie is gone...I'm so glad Hannah said no sweets until after Thanksgiving.
Funny stuff.
See what happens after Toxic Tuesday...hot apple pie
Means more to me than you know...(not the food) the Thoughts!!
Thank you!!

Toxic Tuesday. . . .

so today was my last. . . . .
Now the break, a few tests and radiation will start. The next phase after a long 28 weeks. . .phew
I look back , at what I can briefly remember here, and what most comes to mind is all of the pain and problems from round II, Taxol.
I remember the 1st 12 weeks of chemo with the A/C, and i wanted to do was keep the nausea away, and with the regimen I was on, I was so lucky and positive and able to that.
At week sic of Taxol, as I talked my Onc Dr today I told her I was ready to give up. And now at then of this, the last week so to speak, I am left feeling completely broken and wiped out. I feel like a rag doll that can't walk down to the mailbox, am exhausted being words to really describe the exhaustion, so those of you that have been, "here", I think you mostly know, minus the UC stuff. And this will hit Friday or Saturday of this week, like clockwork. Like a tried and true friend I can count on that. Funny what we can count on.
I see most of the positive attitude that i really had, kind of diminish through this phase, although I rallied about 2 weeks ago, but couldn't really keep it together, but I tried. when you are just so sick and sleep deprived, it's just really hard to put on a front. and I can usually do it, I'm pretty strong, or so I thought. Well, lets see what the next 2-3 weeks hold, maybe some strength back, and I hopefully can start tapering from the predisone. My neck and my face hurts so bad from this swelling, it makes me want to cry all the time, i just want a break from it and the sore on my tongue. the best way to describe it is that in size it's about a nickle, and the outer layer of my tongue is like missing? It looks like how a burn victims skin as peeled pack I guess you would say. this came from the Taxol, so i have been dealing with it for about 10 weeks, and pretty much everything I put in my mouth bothers it. sometimes I can't really talk well because it hurts. the numbing stuff helps for a little while, But not a permanent fix, so I look forward to this healing once things can start healing, but I'm not really sure how long that takes. I guess the Chemo has to kind work itself out, before things can start to heal. Strange huh?
Dr. Kaul apologized for torturing me, with all of this today, but she also said she had to, and she knew I would get through this.
We talked about my cancer, and where I am. I told her I wanted to know if I was cancer free before before I start my radiation, and as she basically explained to me, that according to my markers, which we will be taking again when I start radiation, things look as they should. for me especially with Triple Negative, we really have to watch the 1st three years. The 1st year is so crucial, as there are recurrences, and chances are it can show up in other places (this is more common during this period), so we be doing blood tests, and running some scans, but I need to get started with Radiation. hmmm, comforting.
I think the best thing for me to do, as I am getting my strength back, is to try live as if I am cancer free, and make some serious adjustments now, lifestyle, mentally, spiritually and so on so that I can survive this.
What's the lesson here? I still don't know.
Christine came in today, my Chemo buddy, I have missed her so much these few weeks.
She has surgery on the 4th, I will go see her before my tests on the 5th. but maybe just briefly, as coming out of surgery, I am not sure if the 5th will be good for her. Maybe I will call Kristin..(our Chemo nurse that works at LosR. and see if she thinks I should come, or wait 'till the 6th)
I know she is so scared, and I am praying for her and sending her what positive energy I can muster!!!
I am going to have a good week and get through this, my plan is to have a good nights sleep tonight, and get my strength back, and get going here.

Yesterday. . . .

was one of the worst UC days I have ever had. It's not enough to have this problem, and why it hits me on Saturday or Sunday is beyond me but I am exhausted, (you have NO IDEA) and if I didn't have to drive down to this thing today I wouldn't. Eric is working though, and it'll be nice to watch the game, but I just don't feel the energy level here to drive to Los Alamitos.....like kinda dreading it.
Hard to imagine being to tired to drive someplace. . . .I didn't eat dinner lst night because I was to exhausted to go get in the car and go get something. I kept thinking, what's healthy, and who has curbside? So I just didn't eat.. . .come to think of it, I didn't eat dinner on Friday either.
But hey, looking at my face, you'd probably think , she's been eating a lot, skip a meal, or two....
Oh well, tomorrow I will crock pot, and go to the market for my big outing. woo hoo, terribly exciting stuff here.
So there you have it, my Sunday, we'll be leaving around 3 drive down, get an early dinner (ha ha) , watch a game or two.....she can play her game at 7, then we'll come home....
Life and Water Polo :)

What. . . .

is a good nights sleep?
What does that really mean and when was the last time I really had a good night's sleep? I think I need to read back here, so I can see when that was because I don't remember! (I'm so tired of not sleeping)
So today is day two of the Speedo Cup, I would love to go watch Hannah play :(
My plan is to go tomorrow, and actually I have to go tomorrow or she won't be getting down there. This was a a very cool thing that she was invited to play in. We are really proud of her and how hard she works at everything.
So yeah, basically I'm alone for the day...so I guess I'll start working on the girls memory book for the water polo season.
I love to do this for the girls.... It's my last year ..(wow 4 years!!) the time has gone so quickly. I've been so lucky to be involved here...most of these girls are/have been pretty amazing..a few stinkers along the way, but such is life :) hey, they probably feel the same way about me too!
So, that's the plan...maybe I'll take a NAP today and get some SLEEP!
What a thought.

So. . . .

here's the deal....
Thursdays are the worst, after 27 weeks I am starting to see a pattern of sorts.
Funny huh? not really
But, honestly, my head feels like it's going to explode. yeah complain, complain, but really, I am so swollen from these steroids, it's not a vanity thing here, although I'd like to see something that resembles what my face looked like, but it not just my face, it's my neck too.
And the pressure from the swelling is making me C R A Z Y.
I would stick my head in a bucket of ice if I thought it would help.
Can you say Banana? Well this amazing banana bread shows up the other day, it's gone already. I was so happy to not have to try make some, the last time I did it, the center caved in.
I can bake too, I just added too many choco chips...this was WAY better. I think we need another one.
UGH, well that's all for now, hands are soooooo numb, I hate Thursdays.