HOW do. . . .

I start this part? so much racing around in my head.  Its been a long journey and one I feel like iv'e been on for long enough.

Friday. . . .

Still feel pretty much the same, like I'm waiting for something to happen, yeah like not feeling sick anymore and to have this crap over with., Hopefully that part is coming soon.
Just so soooooo tired. Dr A said I'd start feeling better by the end of this week..so I'm hopeful that is coming soon like I said. That's about it for now not much to say

sTARTING OVER. . . .

I just deleted what i typed.  What an idiot! and while i'm at it that good for spell check.

Tomorrow the  Radiation and  chemo are over.  Back on small dose of steriods 4 mg at dinner for only 4 more days.  YIPPEE at that.

So how do I feel??? that really is the question so be prepared, FUCKING SHITTY.
The radiation to my head has been making so sick, like being pregnant without the bundle of joy at the end.
wanna puke pretty much all the time but like I said I have one more day and I have to get through this.  Radiation at 8 then Chemo at nine.  Brain MRI in 3 weeks.  Dr A said will take about a week after for all to settle down, and I'm holding to it or I'll find him and hide all his candy at the Gamma Knife Center


But seriously Please keep sending love an prayers this aint over yet.
Thank and all by best

I just wanna be done. . . .

Its confirmed next Tuesday last chemo and radiation too I think.  (i pray) chemo for sure just not sure about oral chemo waiting for a call tomorrow to find out, everything is so confusing and I forget which is something that I am just not used to...the forgetting part, upsets me so much I cry when ever this happens so needless to say I cry  a lot.
I hate the term "oh chemo brain"   just like "oh pregnant brain", in my case it's half a brain and i'm getting tired of my friend holding on to the good part I'd like it back now..please??  :)

two. . . .

More weeks of torture left, then I can get this power port out and start feeling a little better I hope I hope.
Just feel shitty and don't have much to say.  which is hard to believe for me.

HOW. . . .

Do I feel?  Like shit.  living on nausea med and MJ, think I said that before but who can remember with half a brain.
I know I'm sick of asking people to do things and then when someone says sure lets go to lunch I toss my cookies and can't go. I'm just not going to ask anyone anymore, I get sad and don't feel that great to begin with.  people say it is but then they stop calling so I don't really believe them, I think they are sick of my cancelling so they don't really invite or text me. I feel sad most of the time but when I'm around others I always put up a good act like I feel great, because who wants to be around a downer all the time, so its a pity party day for me, guess I'm entitled
Just sick of it all.  I go out to breakfast by myself at least 2x a week, Hubby works so we try to go at least one day on a day off, he truly is the only person I can count on.  I don't have to pretend to feel good and I am so thankful I have him in my life, what if I married a shithead?Thankfully I didn't and he is amazing..
Honestly If one more Dr. tells me we don't have any data for your treatment but we believe it will work, I will Fucking scream right then and there.  Just what one wants to hear, I'd like to see some of the Dr's. live with information given in this fashion.,
3 more weeks of radiation 5 days a week, 1 chemo pill 7days a week for 3 weeks, and 1 chemo infusion 1 time a week for 3 weeks, then an MRI and we will see if its gone.  This is always in the back of my mind, I can't escape the thought, I try to remain positive, I pray every night and every morning for those I know that need it and those I just love.
Today I went to Starbucks near where I live, everyone is really quite friendly, they bring their dogs, hang out, it's nice. Long story short I met Rick, he asked how I was doing and if he and his wife and daughters could pray for me, couldn't believe it, and with that he said consider 4 more people on your team. Again I couldn't believe it, I told him thank you and gave a light hug. Was so nice made my morning. Called hubby he couldn't believe it.
I do have some amazing experiences and new friends that I meet for coffee and tea, they go everyday, and I am always welcome and when I go I just feel normal and happy and I am grateful for them eggbok!

UGH. . . .

That about says it all, tolerating all,  chemo, chemo pill and radiation.....SUPER tired, a little pukey here and there...nothing that zofran, compazine and some med mj can't handle, seriously..
So I asked The Bub to shave my head again, radiation area starting to fall out that looks like Shit, like a bald headed woman with a huge scar on the side of my head and like that doesn't draw looks, but you know what??
FUCK EM, FUCK EM ALL...
I wear my head scarred and bald, head held proud and upright.  I stare right back at those looking for a while at me.. some times I smile, but mostly they get my face with my tongue sticking out at them FUCKERS!!  I love that word  Ha Ha
But it's like someone saying I'm so sorry, why are you sorry did you cause this, it must make those who say this feel better because they don't know what to say.   how about: Hows your day going , or it is so beautiful outside....  No pity, no tears cuz who are they really for???
It is beautiful outside, I took myself out for breakfast, I actually went shopping for a tiny bit, so today is a good day and it's about fucking time!!!!