Cancer. . . .

must be teaching me something else here, because I know I have other things to learn.
It's just upsetting and painful emotionally when you are sick, and your kid is mad at you.
Yeah the thing I don't talk about is how my Cancer upsets Hannah, and is disruptive to her life, and I know this is hard for her too and she is angry. It's OK with me that she is, just upsetting beyond words.
So when some things come up that are different than what she normally does she gets upset, and gets upset with me, because I'm here. Eric is working.
I feel bad because I feel like in some ways I have not done my job and prepared her for some things. Like as silly as it sounds, driving someplace you've been to, but never driven alone. I remember doing that when I was about the same age, she is going to practice at at pool she's been going to for the last 4 years....just never driven to it.
Usually, we'd of had her drive to these places, but every time we go, we just go...doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but Hannah is someone that takes a little time to adjust, she doesn't just "go"...so when she's unsure, she gets frustrated.
So, I've been so sick for the last three days, yes, again...UC..and I should have NEVER listened to Dr K and cut the steroids down. She was just trying to give me some relief, yeah great at my own expense. So, I've have horrible diarrhea for 3 days, can't get out of the house, off of the sofa and taking vicodin for the new pain I am having on my bottom...need I say more?
I begged Eric not to work yesterday, asked him to please stay home, or at least come home early, so we could get out of here and go out to lunch or something, just get me out of here, so I could feel ..here's that word again..."NORMAL"....thinking Friday was just going to be the bad UC day. WRONG!
Yesterday I had gone 10 times before noon, where finally after lomitil and imodium, it stopped in the afternoon. We went no place, I cried...again.
I was up pretty much all night, but I told myself over and over Sunday is going to be a good day, I'll go down w/Hannah, she can drive, while she's at practice I can go get a breakfast burrito...(the best place is near the pool) and then I'll just sleep in the car, take a little nap...WRONG..
Up at 6, and in the bathroom, once again, a repeat of yesterday. So I'm waiting for her to get up and come down stairs so I can tell her I'm not going, she looks at me and says, I thought you wanted to get out of the house? I need you to ride with me, so I can get this down.
I told her I can't do it, she doesn't get it.
We didn't yell, we didn't fight, I just let her down.
What's the lesson here? when you teach your kids to drive make sure they drive everywhere?
I know this must sound strange, but we are a family of three...no one else here just us chickens. We probably do things different than most, but we didn't really have great examples to compare to. So maybe that's where we get all of out great parenting ideas from???
I've just wanted to be so different, and do things better, and be a good Mom. Sometimes I feel like I could never please my mother, and now I can never please my daughter. Lesson???
I hate being sick, I hate feeling sick, I wish things were different, but they aren't and I am trying to do the best I can. It either is enough or it's not.
Maybe I'll get a call from her saying she got there OK, probably not. I printed out directions, I know she'll get there fine, but she won't talk to me when she gets home. We do a lot of that these days.
I hope this changes.

I....

did it. I signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 Day for next November. I know, it's a year away, but It'll take me at least 6 months - a year to start to feel "normal". . .what ever "normal" is.
I need something long term beyond what is happening right now, and something to push for, something to look forward to, and some kind of goal, that does not involve my child, but a goal for me.
And my hope is that I raise the $2300 so I can walk. I need to make a web page for this, and then I'll link it to my blog..and yes I'll be asking for "tax" deductible donations, but look at that it this way, I'll be sleeping in a tent...(you won't) and you get to help fight Breast Cancer right along with me!
I'm working on a team name, right now it's "team No More 3 Neg!!!" under Judy Guthman, Team Captain of one! Who knows if anyone else will join, next part of the whole thing after the chemo... 2-3 weeks off, then 7 weeks of radiation....whooooo hooooo
So, I'll try to work on this this thing over the weekend, depends on my energy level.
Luckily I don't have to talk to anyone because I've got some fun little sores in my mouth that hurt...and oh, for my new trick...my right eye won't stop twitching. My face is so swollen from steroids, I look like I have the mumps now.
I told Eric, once all of this goes down, if I have a big hanging down neck, something is going to be done about this. I'm not going through all of this and having a big neck thing too.
Yeah! Don't care about the boobs, go figure! (like we'll have money to do anything anyway)
Ok, well my hand is pretty swollen, so that's about all of the typing for me for now...
stay tuned!

Wed. . .

coming down off of the steroids...
Last night I slept, 2 vicodin and 1/2 ativan yay! numb fingers and feet starting kick in, but trying to keep that postive mental thing going from last week, lets see if I can hang on.
I cut my predisone down to 30mg, I hope I HOPE my uc will let me do this.
My face and neck so swollen I don't recognize myself and the swelling really hurts.
Dr K said my lymph glands are swollen in my neck and I have a new tongue sore starting on the right side of my tongue now, so I am thinking it's gonna be a lot of soup for a while and really soft food. I'm using a straw to drink everything and that really helps.
Ain't Taxol Grand!!??
Well, that's about it, it's raining I like it except that fact that a dog did a poo poo in the house, and I know which one did it, because she won't go out in the rain....we need to get a tarp on our deck, which never quite made it up there on Sunday. . . . . . .
Life goes on

wow. ..

haven't written since Monday...
I have been trying REALLY hard this week to get my mental shit together, since my shit quota has been filled up. By this I mean I have tried to have a more positive attitude, try and make myself feel better mentally, try not to constant cry, ummmmm and all of the stuff.
Is it working, did it work? A little bit. so that's good.
My face now looks like a big round pumpkin and there are eyes here someplace, I'm just not crying each time I look at myself in the mirror, because I don't recognize myself, and to be completely honest I feel very self conscious around people that know know me because they know I look different, and well, this is just one more thing to endure. I'm doing it but. . . . . . .
like I said my shit quota is FULL.
Ok, so Ann my wig buddy, set me up for a positive week, she takes no credit but I lovingly give it.
We got a wig, she helped me, said I was never going to get one, but I am glad I did.
I went to the market today, like at 7:30 am, when no one is there, except for the people that work there. . . . .I'm looking for ready made chocolate pudding. . .getting my drift. I find this really nice lady stocking shelves, and asked if she could find me some, and my wig way like halfway up the font of my head.....SHIT QUOTA....she comes back, what could I say, I pulled it down, I said, 1st day I'm wearing a wig, not too good at it yet...LOL
What I want to know, shouldn't I have learned how to put this thing on my head on Monday when I bought it, or do they just kinda let you walk out with it, and just show you how to make it tighter?
I'm still not really clear, and don;t want any more "funny" moments, although if it's going to happen I guess better me than some??
JEEZ...
Well no more typing for now, hands killing me... I love my Chemo and it loves me!

Sunday. . . .

was still so sick, can't get rid of this coughing thing and I can't breathe (or catch my breath is a better way to say it?) Thought I was going to end up in the big H yesterday...having some fun now. Was way to sick to go watch Hannah, but I heard she did amazing.
Ok...I am REALLY going to try to keep positive thoughts this week, so I can feel just a little bit better. I want to make Sally's Lemon Cream Cheese cupcakes and take them to the Relay for Life pot luck my Dr is having on Sat night. I can't do the walk, but maybe I can sit for a little bit. I am going to try to put little pink ribbons on them since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month.... that is my long term plan for this week....
Shooting for this Sunday for my outing and watching Hannah play...Gotta get at least one Sunday in here before October is over...Jeez!!!
Chemo tomorrow, and need to tell Onc Dr that Zith did not help, (well it helped for 2 days, then it came back) maybe I need an inhaler or something, mucinex doesn't seem to be working all that great.... I'm afraid to take levaquin because I hear it's hard on my stomach and I can't take that any more, between coughing and diarrhea....well I'm sure you get the picture. Lomotil now has a new friend Imodium...so I double it up...yeah, good times.
Complain complain, yeah yeah yeah...to coin a phrase from someone many of us know "what ever"

I....

just want to feel normal again. Even if just for one day.
I can't stand this.
So send positive energy, tomorrow I'm not going to have diarrhea, I'm not going to cough or run a fever, I'm gonna drive Hannah out to claremont, sleep in the car for a little while and when I wake up I'm gonna go watch her and feel better, ok..... doesn't even have to be normal, because what is normal?
But we have to leave at 6am and honestly, my body doesn't even get going until like 10 these days.
I'm really going to try. I'm going to do this.

Been. . . .

running a fever for days..had to go get hydrated today, and now we can't draw any blood from my power port. This sucks, so that means for the next how ever many weeks someone needs blood we'll be digging around in my veins. Oh boy!
How do I feel otherwise? Ummmmm, still have bronchitis and now am starting another antibiotic tomorrow, had some more blood taken today and we are doing some weird kind of culture to see if we can figure out my fever issue.
Oh yeah, no body is coming around me for at least a month...at least not to my house.
Fun stuff!