I. . . .

am ready for all of this stuff to be over with!
I've almost given birth here, time wise, without having the actual baby.
I am hopeful that the new year will be cancer free and treatment free in a couple of weeks!

Happy New Year!

Got. . . .

my MRI and bone scan test back and everything is good as far as no cancer anyplace else.
Honestly, I wasn't really worried about that.
What was really interesting was seeing my Radiation Onc. Dr associate yesterday. I told him about all of the pain and numbness, (and we aren't taking about a little tingle here and there, this wakes me up at night, wont let me get to sleep at night, hurts constantly, makes me hobble around....get the drift?)
Know what he says? "were you on Taxol "?
Huh! only the most disgusting, and hideous chemo drug known to man. . . Was I on Taxol I said? are you kidding??
I said, yes, why?? he then tells me that Taxol causes sever nerve damage.
ha ha, once again the joke is on me.
Sever nerve damage! WTF!! he then tells me that oncologists won't tell you this. I mean, why would they?
So you can say sorry I won't be taking this drug, like in my case I didn't even have a choice as there are really only two drugs we can take after the A/C.
And. . . .I was reading on on the triple negative forum, and so MANY women have nerve damage. It's also called nuropathy, which I had in my fingers and toes all through Taxol, told my dr and she never said a word.
On the blog, one person posted that the nerve damage symptoms start to peak about 2-5 months after you have been off of Taxol...hello that's right about when all of this started to happen.
Right on schedule, that's me!
So, what the other Dr told me yesterday was that he has had great results with some B-12 treatments...actually b-1 and b-12 helps grow the "casing" that surrounds the nerves. A lot of what I am feeling is nerves growing back, along with nerve damage, and so I am now taking this supplement and am looking into b-12 injections... (the supplement is a powder because b-12 is hard to absorb, and this is a better way) who knows!
All I can say is if this gives me any relief I will be thrilled.
I am going to ask Dr.Miller on Monday why he didn't tell me about this or is his assoc a quack?
I mean after all, most Dr.'s don't suggest non-medical means of treatment. Hey and I'm all for a more natural way as opposed to taking yet some other kind of pill or drug.
Time will tell!

The. . . .

Ipod nano dilemma!
I just spent 15 mins on hold with apple to find out that if you don't have the headphones plugged in, the exterior speaker will play music if it's turned on.
This of course is after holding for 15 min. and after looking at the online manual for 20 mins.
This is what I get for trying to "help out"
I think Hannah owes me big time.
So much for my diversion. . . .
Yesterday I went to have the rest of my MRI done, it took all of 5 minutes.
The drive over there took longer!
Hopefully I will get some of these results back this week.
My right harm and shoulder is still hurting and this numb tingling all the way down to my hand is driving me CRAZY!! Maybe its a pinched nerve??
I am almost certain that I have to start walking in order to get this weird hip/leg thing to go away.
It's like after I am sitting for awhile I get up, then I am hobbling around, or if I stand too long, it just starts hurting.
I am really sick of all of this!
I don't talk about it too much, unless Eric makes the mistake of asking me, then I usually start crying.
Also, I am convinced I'm going through menopause, so that makes it worse. (the crying part)
When I talked to my reg. Dr a week ago, she said I can't do hormones...(the type of breast cancer I have or had doesn't respond to hormones, meaning my body wont respond. . .) I have all the fun!
It's like I told Eric today, it's not like I have just gone through having cancer and then dealing with the treatment.
I get all of these little bonus "things" that have gone along with it.
All I know is I am going to get crabby if all of this doesn't go away soon!

It's. . . .

Christmas Eve morning!
That means tomorrow's Christmas and I don't have to get up and go to radiation. (I might actually get to sleep in a little. . .like to 7 would be great!)
Although, we may still get up at the crack of dawn if Hannah wakes up early. I hope not!
Yesterday I had my brain MRI and a C Spine MRI, like two for the price of one, well not really.
So the test is with contrast, and I was actually thinking about how the tech would do this because the 1st part is without contrast and the 2nd part is with. I figured he would have it all under control right?
But, remember, we're talking about ME here, and my experiences with tests and techs and all of that stuff. . .
Ok, so back to the the MRI...Not fun, although I've got this little goggle thing going on with closed captioned TV (for the hearing impaired)..and in my case the sight impaired..
Oh and if you close your eyes for a little bit you've missed some of what was said so you don't know what the hell you just missed.
Why did I choose Law and Order anyways? Like this had to be from the 80's or something...
Ok, so the goggle thing is on and then this head thing like a cage over my head.
Where am I gonna go?
Now I'm back in this machine and I'm feeling a little funny, so I get a fan blowing air on me and I'm all set.
Get though the 1st part of the test, and now for the contrast, honestly, it felt really good to be out of that thing, it's loud and just awful.
Now I'm back in for round two, then I asked for a break, and that's when the tech tells me we have a slight problem.
Did I say a slight problem?
Yes, seems he "had a brain fart" ...his words... and for got about the C spine part without the contrast part of the test.
Yes, I get to go back.
So what could I say to him, you're an idiot? what the hell were you thinking? How about, are you kidding me?
No, I just said don't worry about it I'll come back...on Saturday, he assured me it would only take 10 minutes.
Merry Christmas!
Oh well, it could be worse, so 10 minutes I can handle.
But honestly, I feel like I've really been tested through this whole thing and sometimes I'd just like to get mad, but what would that prove? See if I was on steroids I would have come unglued.
(it might have felt really good though...wink wink!)
And if things couldn't get worse, I get a call from Edie the other night.
Yes the long lost drunken mother returns for act????
I don't have it in me right now to deal with all of that.
But of course, it still gets the better of me, even now, even after all of this time.
After I've digested my feelings and thoughts, I'll put it down.
That will take a few days for sure.

Well. . . .

I did the bone scan yesterday, and I am waiting to hear back from the Dr.
After talking with him yesterday, he now wants a MRI on my head to rule other things out.
The other things I don't really want to think about, let alone talk about.
Quite honestly, if I have to go through the TAXOL ever again, I don't know what I would do.
The A/C was bad enough, managing all of the nausea, but the TAXOL.
I just shudder at the thought of it.
I just want to know what the heck is going on with my body.
The pain and the numbness is really driving me CRAZY.
I don't talk about it too much to Eric and Hannah because whats the point of complaining?
I'm just trying to deal with it. But sometimes, like after I've been sitting for a little bit, I have a hard time getting up. They just look at me.
Like yesterday afternoon, trying to take pictures. . . .
It was hard to stand sometimes, and then I tried to get on a bench to shoot pictures, I could hardly get up on the bench.
I didn't say anything to the girls because I don't want them to know, but seriously this has got to get better!
My guess, the Dr will tell me everything on Monday when I see him.
Oh boy!

Yucky. . . .

test tomorrow.
But, maybe Dr. will figure out why I am hurting all the time.
Eric read something about steroid withdrawals, and it almost describes me to a "T".
So, will ask Dr. tomorrow when I see him in between my morning running around.
Listen to this....
Go for radiation at 6:30, then drive over to a different radiology place, and get an injection at 7:30.
Then, at 8am, go back to radiation place, and see the Dr.
Then go back to radiology place at 10:30 for ct scan.
Sound like a fun morning?
Hell no.
I'm sick of it all quite frankly.

Been. . . .

a little while since I've written anything.
Going for a bone scan on Monday, maybe we will figure out what the heck is going on with my right shoulder and right arm/hand.
Still alot of pain, and just plain hurts all the time.
Another thing I noticed is that I hobble around after I've been sitting for a period of time.
Reg. Dr says that's due to the fact that I had been on steroids for so long and that I need to try to stretch a few times a day and try to loosen everything up.
Next week I start my 4th week of radiation.
The only thing right now that I am noticing is being extremely tired in the afternoon.
I have a slight mark I am noticing on my chest, so I hope all this cream "stuff" I am putting on will keep anything really nasty at bay!
That would be nice for a change.

There. . . .

is something I'd really like to get off my chest but I can't.
I made a promise. . . sometimes I really hate promises!
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now so let me just say this, people should really keep their opinions to themselves when they are in a group setting.
If you ask someone how they feel about something, and they "ask" you for your "opinion" then by all means.
Otherwise, shut the hell up.
I am sick of judgemental people, and their holier than thou remarks. Honestly!
We are all in titled to our feelings about how we choose to deal or not deal with things.
I personally, would let someone speak to that, and then if my opinion was asked I'd say it, if it wasn't then I wouldn't and most certainly would not pass judgement on that person, or try to diminish them or what they have said, especially in a group setting.
I guess it must make them feel better or bigger to do this, because it's not the first time.
But, it most certainly will be the last, at least for me.
I am very BLACK and WHITE and you either "stand for something or you stand for nothing"!

Insurance. . . .

companies suck!
They don't want to pay for my Pet Ct Scan until I have a CT Scan.
So lets run an extra test. Makes sense to me!
I am sick of it to be completely honest.
All I know is my shoulder and right arm is hurting about 90% of the time and I need to find out why before I start popping vicodin everyday for the pain.
On another note, my vertigo is gone.
YAY!
I almost hate to say it in fear it will return.
I hope not!

Isn't. . . . .

life fun?
So Friday I get this letter from the place that did my mamo, different from my Onc. Radiologist (where I get my daily Radiation). . .and this letter tells me they have found something on my mamo.
This is after they tell me everything is clear, after my surgeon tells me everything is clear, but the letter says they have found something and that I need to come in May 10th 2010.
Yeah, that's what it said. So of course that puts me in a tail spin.
Long story short after talking to my Rad. Onc Dr this am, basically, not to worry, it's a standard letter that is, in his opinion, not worded correctly, and that I am on 6 month mamo check ups for 2 years...etc, etc.
Here's where it gets better though, I have been having so much pain on my right side, shoulder, arm, hand. Dr is concerned with that, (pain related to cancer?) so long story short, I'm going to have a Pet CT Scan now on Wed. to make sure that it is not cancer related.
So the fun never ends!
I get to go get lit up at 6:30 am, and then the big scan at 7:30 am.
Woo Hoo, having some fun now.
I am going to try to not think about this as much as I can, so i don't start freaking myself out all over again.
Eric wants me to stop crying, so I have to get my mind off of this.
I was hoping to get our tree tonight...hmmmm...we'll see because it's raining.

So. . . .

tired from radiation.
Right now that's all I can say about it.
I did not go this am because I have some kind of inner ear infection and there is no way I can drive.
Woke up with my ear hurting yesterday, and I went to the Dr, she gave me some antibiotics and nose spray, but today I woke up with this dizzy thing.
You move your head one way and then everything seems to follow in slow motion. It's horrible.
I'd really like a break, especially since my right shoulder, arm and hand are still hurting.
This has been going on for weeks, and I can see how people can hooked on pain pills managing pain.
I haven't taken any for this but I am really tempted, because this just won't go away and is really uncomfortable.
It's been a long week!

OK. . . .

so I went to my 1st treatment this am.
When I got up on the table I just started crying.
I'm not sure if it was because I was scared, or because I am faced with I'm having radiation. . .I have cancer.
I just found myself lying there thinking I have to pull it together.
It was interesting, I am having 4 areas "radiated" and today took a little longer than it will normally, as she had to kind of line everything up and check it all out, take a couple of xrays, marked me up a bit.
Then I had the treatment, one on the top, two from an angle on the side and one from underneath on the back. .(for nodes in the back). .
Then we went over my skin and what I can use and where to put it. Lets just say I'll be covering a large area from the top of my shoulder/neck, to under my right breast, right armpit and then back up my back to the top of my shoulder/neck. make sense?? I'm going to ask her again tomorrow.
All I know is I have to go buy this gi-normas bottle of lotion that the Dr. likes to use at costco, or I can use smelly aloe vera...no thanks!
So we'll see

What. . . .

I am wondering about is how radiation will go.
It starts tomorrow and I just feel a little scared about the unknown.
Had a horrible migraine last night and couldn't sleep, so am not feeling great today and maybe why I'm a little freaked out about starting tomorrow. I am containing it though, but it's kinda "if-fy"
I was hoping to get some work done this weekend but I couldn't get on my desktop at the office, so I accomplished nothing. Grrrrr, would have been a great distraction.
Oh well. . . .will see what tomorrow brings.

Thanksgiving. . . . .

I am so thankful to be here and to feel pretty good today!
Rachel made us an amazing apple pie, it is too beautiful eat.
(but we will!!) YUM

I. . . .

think chemo makes your eyes bad!
I went to get my eyes examined yesterday and WOW! I knew I was having a bit of a problem, but I had no idea how much my eyesight has changed for the worst. Enough said.
The radiation countdown has begun, and I am just not looking forward to going through this. I really just keep trying to push it out of my mind every time it creeps in, but to be completely honest, it scares the crap out me.
Honestly, we won't need to put up our Christmas lights, I can just go stand out in the yard at night. I can put on a Santa hat and wave to everyone as they drive by. Kind of funny when you think about it. Yeah.
I went and saw Christine yesterday, my chemo buddy, she finally had surgery. I don't even know what to say, or how to process what she is going through. She is so strong and so brave and at the same time so scared about the fact that she feels like they she still has cancer in her body and they didn't get it all. All I could tell her was to be as positive as she can, she has to believe that they did. What do you say to some one that has gone through two major surgeries, and had everything removed, and I mean everything. My thoughts and prayers are with her.

Today. . . .

is Saturday!!
Eric is not working today, (thank god!!) And we are going to start putting up our Christmas lights.
I know, some people think this is crazy, but we turn them on every year Thanksgiving Day. By now, we would have had most of it done, but with him working 7 days a week, nothing seems to get done.
I haven't had the energy to much of anything, today I feel pretty good.
I had a a horrible migraine Thursday night, and I thought when I woke up yesterday I wasn't going to feel good enough to go to our Holiday lunch/party.
Our party was great, and I am once again overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of my boss and his family. I love them!
I really am looking forward to getting back to work. I am planning on going to the office on Monday so I can check out some of our new stuff, so I know what the heck I'm selling!!
Hannah had a scrimmage on Tuesday, I may threaten to go unless she promises to take pics on the bus for me, or maybe I can recruit someone to do this...Maybe LILY?? Just give her my little camera. . . . . . .
So I'm thinking today will be a good day, and tomorrow will be as well!

Not. . . .

too much going on today, kind of nice for a change.
Just the same numbness in my fingers/hands. . . .This goes back to normal when???
I cut prednisone down to 15 mg today.
Eric read last night that the swelling will take 3-6 months...yes MONTHS... to go away completely.
I don't even know what to say about this, so I choose not to accept this, and have decided it will start going down now, even if it's in my own head.
(technically it is, in my my head, or face if you will.
So, that's about it for right now.
Tomorrow is a work "holiday" lunch, which should be nice and also interesting because I feel self conscious, but I am just going to have to get over it.
(the self conscious part that is)
We'll see.

Saw. . . .

the surgeon today.
She said the Mammo is clear. I got that report last last week, but still good to hear directly from her.
She wanted to know if I have a scan scheduled yet. . .and she wants to get a full Mammo after Radiation, not just the one side. (like what I just had done)
Also, after Radiation, and the new scan, if it all looks good I can this "PORT" thing removed, but she said all of this has to go through my Onc. Dr.
I am guessing sometime during radiation I will talk to her as well??
Just not sure how the next part of this works, but hey I'm on my 3rd week here with no chemo, so that's pretty much all I care about right now.
The way I am feeling today is kind of strange though. . . . .
My fingertips still numb and hurt, I guess this just takes some time, and I woke up feeling kinda foggy and I haven't been able to shake it.
I still expect to just feel like how I've always felt, before chemo.
A little frustrating.
I go to bed between 7:30 and 8:30pm, 8:30 is pushing it a little, I still get REALLY tired, even if I've done nothing all day long.
I get up between 6:30 and 7:00am. . .So I get a lot of sleep. (although I'm up on and off all night due to these strange sweats I now experience)
More fun stuff.

It's. . . .

Sunday.
Believe it or not, I am actually doing some work. Wow!
I just got my book ready to go for December. I can't wait to get back to work. . .
I am so ready for normal I can't stand it. Funny.
I see the surgeon tomorrow, and she will go over the mammo and ???
So plans for the week, REST, do some baking, maybe a little cleaning and start to get ready for the Holidays.
That all sounds kind of normal.
Now on a different note, so I've cut my prednisone down to 20 mg, and I think my swelling is starting to go down, so that's good thing. Mind you, I'm still REALLY swollen, but it is dissipating just the tiniest bit, so that makes me happy.
What is really weird is yesterday I woke up with pink eye. Yes PINK EYE. What the hell?
So I am doing the eye drop thing, and my eye feels better today.
I think I have some kind of curse.
Not funny!

Today. . . .

is Thursday.
My second full week without any chemo. I am so thankful that part is over.
How am I feeling? Hmmmmmm
A little tired which is to be expected,
a lot bored, knowing me to be expected.
Still have some issues symptom wise, (gonna take a while to heal and clear up) Also to be expected. . .I guess.
Mentally still a little foggy, so overall it's gonna take some time.
Today so far, it's a good day and I am thankful!
We received some "famous" short ribs from Jimmy and we are really looking forward to dinner tonight. I have heard about these before but have never had them.
Eric says these are out of this world. Can't wait!!
And on the Hannah front, her letter came yesterday, she signed it, Eric sent it back today and I emailed the Coach to let him know it's "on the way!"
He said when they receive it they are going to do a press release on their website.
How cool is that?? WOW!!
Now.. . .gonna look for some kind of chocolate mousse recipe.
Doesn't that sound GOOD???

Where. . . .

did these past 6 months go?
I am in a bit of a fog this morning.
Thankfully nothing like the night before, although I ate dinner at 4 pm, and made sure not to eat anything else so I would not have a repeat of Sunday night.
This morning I just feel kind of drugged and foggy and hence, where did the last 6 months go?
I am wondering if I will feel somewhat of how I felt before or just kind of this tired spacey feeling I have right now. I'm guessing not. This has to pass, because who could function like this this?
Honestly, am I going to feel that much better in two weeks? So I get to feeling a little better and then the radiation just knocks me down? I have no mind set, it's more of a question to the universe here.
If I have anything to say about it, I'll sail through this part, and that's what I'm going to be aiming for.
I'm not taking anything to sleep, which is great and for the most part I'm sleeping OK. I cut my prednisone down to 25 mg. . . .I have no idea how long it's going to take all of the swelling to go down, (i'm still so swollen) but I'd like it if it would hurry up already and do something!
Hello, Halloween is over and the pumpkin face has got to go!
So yeah, on a more POSITIVE note...waiting for the mail today. . .
Yup..coach overnighted Hannah's "Letter of Intent". . .and she plans to sign and then will officially be the 1st pick "#1 recruit" for UCSD women's water polo. . .and best part, she is in at UCSD her #1 College choice! WOW!! How the hell did this happen?
It's about time that something good comes. So welcomed at this point in all of our lives.
Now we just have to figure out how to pay for it!!
Her recruiting trip was amazing, the girls were wonderful and she already loved the school. Coach and Asst are great, Wow!
We told her all of the BS she had to deal with these last four years with high school, was just that...high school. The only thing that really mattered were her grades and her hard work has paid off, and now she is set her on her path. (And, in one of the hardest schools to get into)
My little "Triton" girl! so EXCITING!!!!

Reds. . . .

what was I thinking?
I have been so careful about what I have been eating because of the mouth sore (I still have)..I am still taking prilosec for the esophagus issue I am still having. . . and yeah, I'm up at 1am, attempting to recover from throwing up in my sleep. Yes , that would be me. . .fun stuff.
I am trying to recover this morning from this lovely burning sensation. Eric and I sat and talked for a while until this calmed down a bit, and he told me that I was going to start feeling better this week, so I am going to hold him to it!
Like yesterday wasn't a another whirlwind day unto itself!
Driving round trip to UCSD to go pick up Hannah from her recruiting trip (by myself..on Friday Eric drove. I need my head examined. (more on this later)
And. . .lastly. . . I get to have my girls squished soon, so I have to get going.
Hoping it's not like last weeks experience, where I encounter some kind of clothing malfunction or something!
Sheesh!

Where. . . . .

should I start?
I fell in garage on Thursday and thought I broke my right thumb, I tripped over one of Eric's boxes. Yeah. I have concluded that I have a major sprain because I can kind of move it now. (my thumb that is)
Yesterday was the whirlwind trip to UCSD. OMG!!!
We get down there, and thankfully have time, because yes, we get lost on this GI-NORMAS campus. Need I say anymore?
We are all yelling at other, Hannah and I are yelling at Eric, she's gotta go to the bathroom, (what else is new?)LOL!!
So we finally double park someplace so she can get out and go. After a while we find a campus police station, and get some directions to the pool. JEEZ!!! good thing we were early!
The pool facility is really nice, the pool is just about 4 years old, they have 2 pools at this aquatics center.
We met the coach, and watched practice. I actually had a great conversation with one of the girls. She is a freshman, and very similar background to Hannah. Was a club swimmer, then started playing club polo and polo in HS.
Super nice girl, she said all of the girls were so excited to meet Hannah, they have all been looking forward to this. (it was really nice and pretty cool!)
Then we went and sat with the coach and his asst. he went through a lot of things, but what was most important, was that he told Hannah, how her hard work has earned her entrance to this university. that can't be denied, and UCSD does not recruit athletes that do not have the GPA and SAT score.
(so in other words, her team mates will be there for their education as well as the polo)
It's a really good fit. And being as though this is her top pick, just so ironic how this whole thing has come into play.
So the Coach really wants her, and he told this, and we could see how proud she felt and how good it made her feel to know that she has been recognized and that she's he top recruit. He will mail the letter of intent on Monday and if she signs it, she is good to go. As far as she can "breathe", she's in and then the rest of it starts. (and OMG, there is SO MUCH!!!)
So, we wait to see how her trip went, so far she said the girls were really nice, and our guess is they will be great, because if the coach finds out otherwise, have a feeling he won't be too happy if they scared her off!!
As for me. . . .yeah, same stuff different day??
I am just exhausted. Eric says I need to remember, I just finished chemo, I've been getting this crap in my body for 26 weeks, and I'm not going to feel "normal" (I love that word) for a while, so try to relax, and remember this.
So, that is where I am today. Tomorrow, I am doing the drive down to La Jolla to pick her up at 9am. Gonna meet the coaches for breakfast and then we will drive back . . . . . . .
My hope, that this was amazing for her. She deserves to go to the school she wants, and we will do what ever we can to make sure this option is there for her.

So. . . .

I go to have my markings and my CT scan this afternoon.
Kinda weird.
I go to have the first part done, an x-ray and the marking part.
The little permanent tattoo dots they mark with you with. I am guessing that's where they will aim the radiation at . . . .
I guess for me, the odd part of all of that was just laying there with my girls, (well my girl and a half) exposed the whole time, and the "techs" doing this are guys of course.
And honestly as I lay there, I'm just thinking, they aren't looking at me like wow look at those scars, it's just another x-ray...and I am fine with that, I just would have liked it if they covered me up when they weren't doing anything. . . .
Then we leave, Eric is with me, and we drive over to where I am having the CT scan done.
Ok, let me say this...I'm tired today and little crabby, I didn't sleep good last night, my mouth hurts today...yeah yeah, complain, complain. (so the mood has been set)
I'm called in, and given a gown with 3 arm holes and a pair of bottoms.
Put the gown on with the opening in the back. . . .
Ok, I go into the room and proceed to put the gown on with 3 arm holes. How does this work? what is the front and the back, and basically what the hell?
I finally manage to get this "thing" on, it's too tight and choking me around the neck and I can't get off. Plus, she puts me in room, with no place for me to put my stuff, so I have to figure how to get out of this thing. It's like a friggin straight jacket, I am NOT kidding.
I finally get it over my head, I'm now sweating..because hey, steroids are my friend, and well, I'm a little pissed.
I put my clothes back on, go out to the little tiny skinny girl, looks like she weighs about 90 lbs, and I say, it doesn't fit, it might fit you, and I'm not changing out of my pants.
Hey, now I'm in control!
She says all of the gowns are mixed up, so she just grabbed one, I wanted to say someone should organize them, perhaps you could check the size, since you do this everyday and probably know where the size of this stupid thing would be located, I mean, a bunch of things ran through my chemo brain, I resisted though.
She said if your bottoms don't have metal in them, then you don't need to change them. Metal, yeah, I'm carrying a bomb around in my sweats.
So, I go in for the CT Scan, and the tech guy tells me I'll be having contrast die, so I'll be getting an iv, ok no biggie. Gets the bee-bee on the tattoos, and then runs the scan...and done!
So, now all of this will go to the Dr., he'll figure out the time frame and so on.
He thinks treatment will be 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week.
Good news is. . . . . .I will be starting radiation on 11-30-09. . . . at 7:30 every weekday morning.
I think this will work out good time wise.
He said I will be tired, might have some irritation from radiation, some possible soreness.
He wants me to get rested, get my UC under control and maybe even weaned down more on the steroids.
Enjoy my Thanksgiving.

Did. . . . .

not have a really great night last night thanks to a migraine.
So today, feeling kind of crummy and really tired.
I hope I sleep better tonight. . .
Mostly, I am thinking about tomorrow and these tests. You could say I am preoccupied right now, and me being me, that's to be expected.
When I get like this, I really just want to be left alone.
The other thing bothering me is my face hurts.
I'm still so swollen and I know this going to take a while to go away. And the really stupid thing I want to say is that although I am really looking forward to meeting this coach, I hope he doesn't think I look like some kind of freak.
Like I said, stupid thing, but right now, being tired and swollen, it's just hard to get past how I feel and how I feel the world see's me. Chances are no one thinks anything of this, but I do and I'm having a hard time with it. Maybe I just look like a person that's overweight, so if I slap on make-up on it won't be any big deal? Stupid what bothers me, but it does.
Guess that's something else to figure out along the way. . . . wow!

Wow. . . .

I actually feel a little happy today.
My first "NON- Toxic Tuesday"
A little tired, just relieved a little bit. (she sighs)
Last night I slept ok, and second night in a row I did not take anything to sleep.
I don't like taking things to sleep, and after the day I had yesterday I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
So, I am kind of at a day by day thing right now, and I am not really sure how this works.
Do I start to feel just a little bit better each day, or do I go back and forth?
A question I don't really know the answer to, but in my mind, I am telling myself I start to feel a little bit better each day.
I just keep expecting to just get up and feel great and go, but then I am reminded how tired and low energy I am right now.
I went and bought a blender and couldn't hold it because it was too heavy, so not like me. (the things we take for granted)
I know I keep talking about this too, but Thursday has me kind of freaked out.
I know it's because I don't know what to expect. I am sure I will feel better after I talk to Dr. Miller, so I need to stay calm..ha ha
I am looking forward to Friday, and taking Hannah down for her recruiting trip. Looking forward to meeting the coach too. So, it's good all in all.

I. . . . .

thought I was going to start feeling better. UGH
I know there is a joke here someplace, but do you think everything is connected?
Yeah, I'm like a giant UC, esophagus, sinus mess. My parting gift from Taxol?
funny

Sun. . .

morning....waking up to running to the bathroom is really getting old. Chemo stopped last week, what the hell is going on?
Hannah is sick, no ODP. guess it's a good thing, not like I can drive out there right now anyway.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I REALLY wanted to go out for breakfast too. I was thinking I would drop her off and go order breakfast from some place and sit in my car and eat it. I am craving french toast. and not the kind I make here, it's always soggy. it's not like I would go order and sit in coffee shop by myself out in Claremont...where ever the hell Claremont is anyway. . . . yes breakfast for one. . .
Ok, and the Bubba is working. . .it's Sunday.
I did take a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night, but I'm pretty groggy still. Am I going to start feeling different this week? how does this work now?
Honestly, I'm pretty scared about the Radiation, probably because it's something different that I don't really know about. I just really want to feel good and have a good day today. That's really the bottom line here.
See how my mind jumps around...food, sleep, make no sense. I'm all jumbled up in here.
the Chemo Scramble...yesterday I started crying for no reason in the car...I have got to get off of these steroids. . . .
and while I am rambling, I am not sure about this group thing I have been invited to join. Not sure if it's right for me, I got an email from a person with the same kind of cancer. hers has reoccurred, and her email was strange to me, because how do you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, say Hi, you've just gone through your 1st round of chemo, heard you might be joining our group..Well mines back, blah blah blah... tell me about yours. . . .ummmmmm, hmmm. Gotta think about this. Not the approach I would use, so I am still in the thinking phase here.
I'm in the thinking phase really with everything, like contacting people to clear the air, not good at it, but it's gotta be done, so we can move on right? wish me luck, could work out, could be a disaster.
but I have limited typing time here, the bathroom calls, yet again.

Sat. . . .

means some venting. So read it or not.
I hate, yes I said the hate word, people that pretend to be interested in your well being.
You know the ones, that never call or email, and in some cases you you wish they wouldn't, but all of a sudden here they come creeping back in, because they are now in some kind of setting where they are reminded about you, and well, maybe just a tinge of guilt creeps up...oh wow, how's your Mom ? Bad enough they tell you the last time they see you, how much they care about you and they are crying, they are so upset...they want to do anything to help you, just ask them..... Please!! Wow, what if I did? What if I really needed something? I'd be up the creek without a paddle. Good thing I didn't count on this person, because they just disappeared.
And the funny thing is, I never believed them to begin with. Honestly, I have no ill will. I've been so uninvolved with this person for several months, that I've just kind of forgotten the original disappointment I felt when the phone never rang and the email's/texts never came...ah,,,, because I had an expectation! I am learning all of the time.
Don't say something you don't mean! Don't we teach this to our children??
I have forgiven and am moving on, I don't have time for bad feelings or hurt feelings, because I have to get through my next phase...Light Me Up Radiation
Yes....round three shall be called "Light Me Up" can hardly wait!
I am looking forward to at least a 2 week week break here, I am feeling a little greedy and hoping for 3.... dare I be so selfish?
Hmmmmm
Well, in keeping with the usual Sat. events...my UC has been here most of the day, still can't feel my fingers and toes...BUT...or should I say BUTT
if all goes well, I am planning on cutting down on my prednisone to 30 mg tomorrow. Yup all by myself.
hey at least Chemo is officially over, good bye Tuesdays at Dr. K's office!
I will drive Hannah out to ODP in Claremont tomorrow...stay there all day, me and my imodium and lomitil and maybe I won't even need it. I'm thinking I'll nap in the car, go to Barnes and Noble and then maybe the hours will pass quickly...because I am not sitting and watching practice, or driving home and then driving back.
Oh yeah, good times! :)
But really, They are!!

Ugh. . . . .

why do I hate Thursdays?
I feel like I've been run over by a train, I'm thinking it's just because I've had so much stuff pumped into my body, and by the time you've had the last one, your toxic levels must be so far up there, and EVERYTHING in your body is just wiped out, so therefore I am too.
Make sense?
I slept last night, with the aide of a 3mg lunesta. Finally sleep. I woke up to Hannah shrieking, I knew she got her SAT and was pleased...Yeah she was pleased, we are all really really more than pleased, and she won't be taking it in Nov. We are done with that.
Everything is falling into place now, and in a couple of weeks, we will have made some decisions and then she will be set. I don't like to talk about it until it's all put to bed so to speak. I hate bragging and talking about my kid all the time, I just prefer to keep things on the quieter side, with a little more humility, maybe share with those that really care or want to know.
But it's been rough. Me being so sick, so much stress for her with SAT, with classes, with college, with water polo all of it...with stress level so high over here I am so relieved to have a welcomed break, and this is more than a welcomed break. I feel for the first time in a long time like things will turn the corner and 2010 will be a great year for all of us.
Maybe part of the lesson, has been to try to keep focused no matter how difficult, and although I've been hard on her, that's kind of been my mantra through this thus far. That no matter what, we have to stick to the task at hand, and you can't loose site of what is most important, and what you want. I told her that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to and I believe that with my whole heart. So we shall see.
So . . .with that I'm going to think positively about the chicken recipe that Kristen gave me and i am going to try to put that in the over around 2 and we shall see....no guarantee's...Martha ain't over her...that is FOR SURE!

Can. . .

you say Hot Apple Pie and Banana bread??
yes, so this Banana bread shows up AGAIN, Thank you Debbie and Jimmy!
and then last night, A text from Myrtle...check your front porch...
A hot Apple Pie, not a store bought hot apple pie, but one that she got from her friend that just baked it!
I was going to bed, and just happened to check my phone and this message at 7 said this... (check your front porch...HA!)
guess what I had for dinner? yes dinner...a little slice of Hot Apple Pie
and yes, more than half of the Banana bread is gone, and half of the pie is gone...I'm so glad Hannah said no sweets until after Thanksgiving.
Funny stuff.
See what happens after Toxic Tuesday...hot apple pie
Means more to me than you know...(not the food) the Thoughts!!
Thank you!!

Toxic Tuesday. . . .

so today was my last. . . . .
Now the break, a few tests and radiation will start. The next phase after a long 28 weeks. . .phew
I look back , at what I can briefly remember here, and what most comes to mind is all of the pain and problems from round II, Taxol.
I remember the 1st 12 weeks of chemo with the A/C, and i wanted to do was keep the nausea away, and with the regimen I was on, I was so lucky and positive and able to that.
At week sic of Taxol, as I talked my Onc Dr today I told her I was ready to give up. And now at then of this, the last week so to speak, I am left feeling completely broken and wiped out. I feel like a rag doll that can't walk down to the mailbox, am exhausted being words to really describe the exhaustion, so those of you that have been, "here", I think you mostly know, minus the UC stuff. And this will hit Friday or Saturday of this week, like clockwork. Like a tried and true friend I can count on that. Funny what we can count on.
I see most of the positive attitude that i really had, kind of diminish through this phase, although I rallied about 2 weeks ago, but couldn't really keep it together, but I tried. when you are just so sick and sleep deprived, it's just really hard to put on a front. and I can usually do it, I'm pretty strong, or so I thought. Well, lets see what the next 2-3 weeks hold, maybe some strength back, and I hopefully can start tapering from the predisone. My neck and my face hurts so bad from this swelling, it makes me want to cry all the time, i just want a break from it and the sore on my tongue. the best way to describe it is that in size it's about a nickle, and the outer layer of my tongue is like missing? It looks like how a burn victims skin as peeled pack I guess you would say. this came from the Taxol, so i have been dealing with it for about 10 weeks, and pretty much everything I put in my mouth bothers it. sometimes I can't really talk well because it hurts. the numbing stuff helps for a little while, But not a permanent fix, so I look forward to this healing once things can start healing, but I'm not really sure how long that takes. I guess the Chemo has to kind work itself out, before things can start to heal. Strange huh?
Dr. Kaul apologized for torturing me, with all of this today, but she also said she had to, and she knew I would get through this.
We talked about my cancer, and where I am. I told her I wanted to know if I was cancer free before before I start my radiation, and as she basically explained to me, that according to my markers, which we will be taking again when I start radiation, things look as they should. for me especially with Triple Negative, we really have to watch the 1st three years. The 1st year is so crucial, as there are recurrences, and chances are it can show up in other places (this is more common during this period), so we be doing blood tests, and running some scans, but I need to get started with Radiation. hmmm, comforting.
I think the best thing for me to do, as I am getting my strength back, is to try live as if I am cancer free, and make some serious adjustments now, lifestyle, mentally, spiritually and so on so that I can survive this.
What's the lesson here? I still don't know.
Christine came in today, my Chemo buddy, I have missed her so much these few weeks.
She has surgery on the 4th, I will go see her before my tests on the 5th. but maybe just briefly, as coming out of surgery, I am not sure if the 5th will be good for her. Maybe I will call Kristin..(our Chemo nurse that works at LosR. and see if she thinks I should come, or wait 'till the 6th)
I know she is so scared, and I am praying for her and sending her what positive energy I can muster!!!
I am going to have a good week and get through this, my plan is to have a good nights sleep tonight, and get my strength back, and get going here.

Yesterday. . . .

was one of the worst UC days I have ever had. It's not enough to have this problem, and why it hits me on Saturday or Sunday is beyond me but I am exhausted, (you have NO IDEA) and if I didn't have to drive down to this thing today I wouldn't. Eric is working though, and it'll be nice to watch the game, but I just don't feel the energy level here to drive to Los Alamitos.....like kinda dreading it.
Hard to imagine being to tired to drive someplace. . . .I didn't eat dinner lst night because I was to exhausted to go get in the car and go get something. I kept thinking, what's healthy, and who has curbside? So I just didn't eat.. . .come to think of it, I didn't eat dinner on Friday either.
But hey, looking at my face, you'd probably think , she's been eating a lot, skip a meal, or two....
Oh well, tomorrow I will crock pot, and go to the market for my big outing. woo hoo, terribly exciting stuff here.
So there you have it, my Sunday, we'll be leaving around 3 drive down, get an early dinner (ha ha) , watch a game or two.....she can play her game at 7, then we'll come home....
Life and Water Polo :)

What. . . .

is a good nights sleep?
What does that really mean and when was the last time I really had a good night's sleep? I think I need to read back here, so I can see when that was because I don't remember! (I'm so tired of not sleeping)
So today is day two of the Speedo Cup, I would love to go watch Hannah play :(
My plan is to go tomorrow, and actually I have to go tomorrow or she won't be getting down there. This was a a very cool thing that she was invited to play in. We are really proud of her and how hard she works at everything.
So yeah, basically I'm alone for the day...so I guess I'll start working on the girls memory book for the water polo season.
I love to do this for the girls.... It's my last year ..(wow 4 years!!) the time has gone so quickly. I've been so lucky to be involved here...most of these girls are/have been pretty amazing..a few stinkers along the way, but such is life :) hey, they probably feel the same way about me too!
So, that's the plan...maybe I'll take a NAP today and get some SLEEP!
What a thought.

So. . . .

here's the deal....
Thursdays are the worst, after 27 weeks I am starting to see a pattern of sorts.
Funny huh? not really
But, honestly, my head feels like it's going to explode. yeah complain, complain, but really, I am so swollen from these steroids, it's not a vanity thing here, although I'd like to see something that resembles what my face looked like, but it not just my face, it's my neck too.
And the pressure from the swelling is making me C R A Z Y.
I would stick my head in a bucket of ice if I thought it would help.
Can you say Banana? Well this amazing banana bread shows up the other day, it's gone already. I was so happy to not have to try make some, the last time I did it, the center caved in.
I can bake too, I just added too many choco chips...this was WAY better. I think we need another one.
UGH, well that's all for now, hands are soooooo numb, I hate Thursdays.

bad. . . .

night!
Shoulder hurting so bad..just pain like something settled in there, and the last time I looked at clock it was 3:30. I really want to get out of this house today because I am going crazy but the toilet god is calling me too.
I can't catch a break here.
I have one more Chemo, then the rest of the party begins.... a couple of tests, a little break then 7 weeks of radiation, 1x a day , 5 days a week.
I'm getting sick of people telling me oh, 1 more week of chemo to go, like it's all over or something.
My primary care Dr. Dr is worried I'm going to have problems with my esophagus and radiation because of 3rd location he is lighting up, so to speak. Nurses told me yesterday I'm probably not going to eat much, that's welcomed and no biggie.
I just want to know before I start radiation, after these last 26 weeks of Chemo Hell that we got it, before I go through anymore torture. I mean torture!
Yesterday I met Nancy, she sat in Christine's spot...Christine is my MIA Chemo buddy. I haven't really talked about her in while because it's too upsetting. 2 weeks ago Christine was told that the chemo wasn't working and her cancer has now come back on her liver and gallbladder....she has ovarian cancer. Had everything and then some possibly removed from her body, and let me tell you you have no idea the strength and courage this woman has, but I think this broke her.
yes she's my partner in crime, when we tried to escape down to the pharmacy with our chemo in tow to go get a diet pepsi, and Dr. Kaul caught us trying to escape....we were planning our grand escape, but didn't get to happen. She's made the time go by fast as I know I have for her. We talk about the shows we watch...hoarders, intervention, (cause of all of the drugs we are taking, we may need one) prison shows, you know, quality TV.... so she will have another surgery on Nov. 4th and well we will see, and go from there. I told her we will just have to move our act to the hospital, and see what kind of trouble we can get in, since we know most of the nurses there.
So needless to say I'm still kind of expecting her to walk in yesterday, and in comes Nancy...Stage 4 Uterine Cancer, and she's got some kind of lesion on her brain, and she's going to have some gamma ray radiation on Thursday to get rid of it. I will be praying for her.
This gal has cancer lesions all throughout her entire body, hello she's got stage 4 cancer. Her daughter has breast cancer, the other daughter doesn't but is having both breasts removed, oh my god!!!!
Thank god next week is the last week of chemo at least least and I can get out of there, I know that is so selfish to say, but I can't get too involved here. Nancy told me how angry she is, and how she yells at her husband, and I just listened, and when I could I offered her a few suggestions, like the wellness center, might offer support for hubby and family, all is free.
Take a nice drive and if she's up to it take him to lunch, he's freaking out and doesn't know what to do here. She was just diagnosed and had surgery like 3 weeks ago, also had everything removed.
UGH what a day, maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.
I just want to get out of this house today, I need to go buy some little presents for these wonderful and amazing women that take such good care of me at Chemo. That's my goal, even if for just a little bit today. Pretty stupid huh?

The. . . .

lesson, was to "conquer your fear". At least that's what I said, and actually really try to live my life by.
She drove, made it there and back and now, has done it, and can go there anytime. Traffic and all...it's a long drive, but it's not about the drive.
Day 4 of Diarrhea...I am loaded up on lomitil and imodium, and it's now 12:30 and I am determined to stay out of the bathroom.
Most people write about such interesting things, they write about what's going on, and sound so clever. I'm writing about my "Shit Quota" literally. I have had enough, quite enough thank you.
Oh, and the fun begins again tomorrow!
Yes, Toxic Tuesday.
Oh yeah.. (rant coming) All this talk about BANANA BREAD, I'm making my own tomorrow after Chemo. . . and I am putting choco chips in mine!
Please stop telling us your making it and and then you don't.
Ahhh, that feels better :)
Well, lets see off to the reg. Dr, she is seeing me during her lunch at 1:00 today, I'm glad she's down the street, because I took a vicodin 1/2 hr ago....No I'm not getting hooked. Low dosage for me. At this point, I am done with dealing with pain.
OK, hands still numb. . . 2 weeks of Chemo...# 11 tomorrow, then the new fun begins, and this CANCER SHIT better be gone when we check it in a few weeks!!
I am so done with this!!!!

Cancer. . . .

must be teaching me something else here, because I know I have other things to learn.
It's just upsetting and painful emotionally when you are sick, and your kid is mad at you.
Yeah the thing I don't talk about is how my Cancer upsets Hannah, and is disruptive to her life, and I know this is hard for her too and she is angry. It's OK with me that she is, just upsetting beyond words.
So when some things come up that are different than what she normally does she gets upset, and gets upset with me, because I'm here. Eric is working.
I feel bad because I feel like in some ways I have not done my job and prepared her for some things. Like as silly as it sounds, driving someplace you've been to, but never driven alone. I remember doing that when I was about the same age, she is going to practice at at pool she's been going to for the last 4 years....just never driven to it.
Usually, we'd of had her drive to these places, but every time we go, we just go...doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but Hannah is someone that takes a little time to adjust, she doesn't just "go"...so when she's unsure, she gets frustrated.
So, I've been so sick for the last three days, yes, again...UC..and I should have NEVER listened to Dr K and cut the steroids down. She was just trying to give me some relief, yeah great at my own expense. So, I've have horrible diarrhea for 3 days, can't get out of the house, off of the sofa and taking vicodin for the new pain I am having on my bottom...need I say more?
I begged Eric not to work yesterday, asked him to please stay home, or at least come home early, so we could get out of here and go out to lunch or something, just get me out of here, so I could feel ..here's that word again..."NORMAL"....thinking Friday was just going to be the bad UC day. WRONG!
Yesterday I had gone 10 times before noon, where finally after lomitil and imodium, it stopped in the afternoon. We went no place, I cried...again.
I was up pretty much all night, but I told myself over and over Sunday is going to be a good day, I'll go down w/Hannah, she can drive, while she's at practice I can go get a breakfast burrito...(the best place is near the pool) and then I'll just sleep in the car, take a little nap...WRONG..
Up at 6, and in the bathroom, once again, a repeat of yesterday. So I'm waiting for her to get up and come down stairs so I can tell her I'm not going, she looks at me and says, I thought you wanted to get out of the house? I need you to ride with me, so I can get this down.
I told her I can't do it, she doesn't get it.
We didn't yell, we didn't fight, I just let her down.
What's the lesson here? when you teach your kids to drive make sure they drive everywhere?
I know this must sound strange, but we are a family of three...no one else here just us chickens. We probably do things different than most, but we didn't really have great examples to compare to. So maybe that's where we get all of out great parenting ideas from???
I've just wanted to be so different, and do things better, and be a good Mom. Sometimes I feel like I could never please my mother, and now I can never please my daughter. Lesson???
I hate being sick, I hate feeling sick, I wish things were different, but they aren't and I am trying to do the best I can. It either is enough or it's not.
Maybe I'll get a call from her saying she got there OK, probably not. I printed out directions, I know she'll get there fine, but she won't talk to me when she gets home. We do a lot of that these days.
I hope this changes.

I....

did it. I signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 Day for next November. I know, it's a year away, but It'll take me at least 6 months - a year to start to feel "normal". . .what ever "normal" is.
I need something long term beyond what is happening right now, and something to push for, something to look forward to, and some kind of goal, that does not involve my child, but a goal for me.
And my hope is that I raise the $2300 so I can walk. I need to make a web page for this, and then I'll link it to my blog..and yes I'll be asking for "tax" deductible donations, but look at that it this way, I'll be sleeping in a tent...(you won't) and you get to help fight Breast Cancer right along with me!
I'm working on a team name, right now it's "team No More 3 Neg!!!" under Judy Guthman, Team Captain of one! Who knows if anyone else will join, next part of the whole thing after the chemo... 2-3 weeks off, then 7 weeks of radiation....whooooo hooooo
So, I'll try to work on this this thing over the weekend, depends on my energy level.
Luckily I don't have to talk to anyone because I've got some fun little sores in my mouth that hurt...and oh, for my new trick...my right eye won't stop twitching. My face is so swollen from steroids, I look like I have the mumps now.
I told Eric, once all of this goes down, if I have a big hanging down neck, something is going to be done about this. I'm not going through all of this and having a big neck thing too.
Yeah! Don't care about the boobs, go figure! (like we'll have money to do anything anyway)
Ok, well my hand is pretty swollen, so that's about all of the typing for me for now...
stay tuned!

Wed. . .

coming down off of the steroids...
Last night I slept, 2 vicodin and 1/2 ativan yay! numb fingers and feet starting kick in, but trying to keep that postive mental thing going from last week, lets see if I can hang on.
I cut my predisone down to 30mg, I hope I HOPE my uc will let me do this.
My face and neck so swollen I don't recognize myself and the swelling really hurts.
Dr K said my lymph glands are swollen in my neck and I have a new tongue sore starting on the right side of my tongue now, so I am thinking it's gonna be a lot of soup for a while and really soft food. I'm using a straw to drink everything and that really helps.
Ain't Taxol Grand!!??
Well, that's about it, it's raining I like it except that fact that a dog did a poo poo in the house, and I know which one did it, because she won't go out in the rain....we need to get a tarp on our deck, which never quite made it up there on Sunday. . . . . . .
Life goes on

wow. ..

haven't written since Monday...
I have been trying REALLY hard this week to get my mental shit together, since my shit quota has been filled up. By this I mean I have tried to have a more positive attitude, try and make myself feel better mentally, try not to constant cry, ummmmm and all of the stuff.
Is it working, did it work? A little bit. so that's good.
My face now looks like a big round pumpkin and there are eyes here someplace, I'm just not crying each time I look at myself in the mirror, because I don't recognize myself, and to be completely honest I feel very self conscious around people that know know me because they know I look different, and well, this is just one more thing to endure. I'm doing it but. . . . . . .
like I said my shit quota is FULL.
Ok, so Ann my wig buddy, set me up for a positive week, she takes no credit but I lovingly give it.
We got a wig, she helped me, said I was never going to get one, but I am glad I did.
I went to the market today, like at 7:30 am, when no one is there, except for the people that work there. . . . .I'm looking for ready made chocolate pudding. . .getting my drift. I find this really nice lady stocking shelves, and asked if she could find me some, and my wig way like halfway up the font of my head.....SHIT QUOTA....she comes back, what could I say, I pulled it down, I said, 1st day I'm wearing a wig, not too good at it yet...LOL
What I want to know, shouldn't I have learned how to put this thing on my head on Monday when I bought it, or do they just kinda let you walk out with it, and just show you how to make it tighter?
I'm still not really clear, and don;t want any more "funny" moments, although if it's going to happen I guess better me than some??
JEEZ...
Well no more typing for now, hands killing me... I love my Chemo and it loves me!

Sunday. . . .

was still so sick, can't get rid of this coughing thing and I can't breathe (or catch my breath is a better way to say it?) Thought I was going to end up in the big H yesterday...having some fun now. Was way to sick to go watch Hannah, but I heard she did amazing.
Ok...I am REALLY going to try to keep positive thoughts this week, so I can feel just a little bit better. I want to make Sally's Lemon Cream Cheese cupcakes and take them to the Relay for Life pot luck my Dr is having on Sat night. I can't do the walk, but maybe I can sit for a little bit. I am going to try to put little pink ribbons on them since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month.... that is my long term plan for this week....
Shooting for this Sunday for my outing and watching Hannah play...Gotta get at least one Sunday in here before October is over...Jeez!!!
Chemo tomorrow, and need to tell Onc Dr that Zith did not help, (well it helped for 2 days, then it came back) maybe I need an inhaler or something, mucinex doesn't seem to be working all that great.... I'm afraid to take levaquin because I hear it's hard on my stomach and I can't take that any more, between coughing and diarrhea....well I'm sure you get the picture. Lomotil now has a new friend Imodium...so I double it up...yeah, good times.
Complain complain, yeah yeah yeah...to coin a phrase from someone many of us know "what ever"

I....

just want to feel normal again. Even if just for one day.
I can't stand this.
So send positive energy, tomorrow I'm not going to have diarrhea, I'm not going to cough or run a fever, I'm gonna drive Hannah out to claremont, sleep in the car for a little while and when I wake up I'm gonna go watch her and feel better, ok..... doesn't even have to be normal, because what is normal?
But we have to leave at 6am and honestly, my body doesn't even get going until like 10 these days.
I'm really going to try. I'm going to do this.

Been. . . .

running a fever for days..had to go get hydrated today, and now we can't draw any blood from my power port. This sucks, so that means for the next how ever many weeks someone needs blood we'll be digging around in my veins. Oh boy!
How do I feel otherwise? Ummmmm, still have bronchitis and now am starting another antibiotic tomorrow, had some more blood taken today and we are doing some weird kind of culture to see if we can figure out my fever issue.
Oh yeah, no body is coming around me for at least a month...at least not to my house.
Fun stuff!

guess what????

I have Bronchitis! how the hell did I get this? that's what the Onc dr asked me yesterday...I told her I got it from her since the only place I go is to her office and home...and home and home and home.. . . .oh yeah, and my UC is back, or should I say didn't really leave and wonder if the antibiotics she put me on is causing a flare up, because some do cause this...inquiring minds want to know...maybe I should say my inquiring bottom would like to know, but hey, (no pun intended)
if I stop coughing and throwing up and wheezing and I can walk up the stairs, and take in a breathe that is a good thing, what's a little more diarrhea?
I'll just pray to the lomitil god and ask for relief....
Yeah lots of fun and stress at my house these days, so that helps matters...Calgon take me away, but not in my bathtub...I need like a really nice one with candles and stuff...yeah, in some other place where I'm not listening to my damn dogs bark, my kid giving me grief, I'm not crying at the drop of the hat because of all of these steroids I'm on....which I can't can't control...
I'm a barrel of laughs too.
I hope I get my family back after all of this.
yesterday was 5....I have 4 more to go

It's Sunday. . .

where did the week go? it's been like a complete blurr......
Hannah's at Cal Cup today, 3 has three games. Sylvia took her to USC Men's Water Polo yesterday, thank you for rescuing her from me...yesterday was HORRIBLE!!!!! and I was Horrible. I HATE STEROIDS
So of all things my UC starts up last night, and I still can't figure out why when I walk up stairs I am completely out of breath. Bizarre. Like I have been working out, but in fact all I've done is walked up the stairs...or now in actuality, avoid walking upstairs until it's time to go to bed.
I'm pathetic.
I've got 5 more weeks of this, it kind of pisses me off when someone says its just five more weeks...yes I know...it's only been like 24 weeks...had a 2 week break....when this is over I have about a 2 week week break then I start 7 weeks of radiation.
If I can loose this 30 lbs of steroids on my face and neck I'll be really happy.
I'm going to the market today, my big outing for the week...just waiting for Eric to get home to take me.
We went to dinner last night, I almost tossed up my entire dinner in the car ride home. I guess we shouldn't go out for a while.....
OK, so boring stuff, that's it for now...trying not to wallow in too much self pity today

Toxic Tuesday....

Well, I asked for Taxol lite today and only received a very strange look from my nurse, and a "nice try".
Mega dose of steroids has me on a string. . .
Yesterday went and saw primary care Dr., had her in tears, I couldn't stop crying she said it's the steroids, actually the 1st thing she said when she saw me was your on prednisone, how much?
yeah...classic big fat round face, bloating..I look like a fat pig. Feel great, look great. Can hardly wait for the week.
I have like one "ok" day a week now, and the constant mood swings makes it even harder. I just screamed at Hannah because she smarted off to me, like she knows I'm on this tight rope but just keeps pushing me, and I honestly can't control this very good.
All of my emotions are on on my sleeve and out of my mouth before anyone even says anything.
This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done, and on Sunday I felt like I was/am just loosing all faith here. I can't stand feeling so sick, sweating, waking up coughing and throwing up, aches and pains and everything else.
My life is on hold and I am moving through some kind of process that is robbing me of all of joy. It better be worth it, because if it comes back I will not do this again.

Saturday. . . .

it is Saturday right? what a funk I am in. Lets see, Thursday night was a really bad night, and I did not sleep the whole night, I dozed for like 1 1/2 on Friday to find that a friend had made this amazing dinner and left it on our porch. I kid you not, It was amazing because I has no idea what I was going to do about dinner, was exhausted from not sleeping, and well I just couldn't stop crying. What a mess! People have no idea how things like this impact me right now. I am so emotional, over everything.
Today Hannah drug me out, I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble and when I got there, I couldn't even focus on looking at books, so we left, just really out of it still.
What I don't understand is why I am still waking up during the witching hour...sometime between 2-4am coughing and throwing up. Oh yeah and as a cruel joke Eric left the lid down on the toilet, get the picture? fun, not!
I need to clean my house but can't can't get the energy going and need to do some laundry, think I will enlist Hannah..... ugh

Nice. . . .

metal taste to go with my tongue ulceration that won't go away.. . .you know nothing will heal until after chemo! what was I thinking.
Luckily I was snagged some of these q-tip things that help with the pain for a little while...I am coveting them.
I made a huge pot of soup, thought I was going keep falling asleep while I was making it, but I did it and I froze 3 big containers, so now I am set.
I just have to say that my friends have been amazing and they still ask if they can cook, and even drop stuff off, and even though I resist it helps so much. I feel bad because I have been so sick from taxol that I literally can't get off of my butt to cook or stand or even go to the market. I feel like I am a disappointment to my family when I can even cook dinner and I am home all day. So little things like making dinners mean more to us than most even know, and we thank you and love you for helping us during this difficult time. You all have things going on in your lives, yet you take just a little extra time for us and again, it means everything to me!
6 more weeks!

Toxic Tuesday. . . .

tomorrow. Oh boy!
Anyone want to go in my place?

I...

can barely handle this.
It takes me until about 11:30 am to start feeling somewhat normal.
Like what is normal anymore?
I can't stop sweating from all of the steroids. And to be completely honest, this is far worse than I expected. I keep waking up sometime around 2 am coughing and trying to throw up at the same time. I thought all of these new tricks were done. Every time something new happens I'm like wow, now what?
7 more weeks of this?

Biggest disapointment. . . .

I kept thinking about it all night, would it have carrots in it, I bet it's going to be so good...and matzo balls..... I really thought it was coming!
moving on....
I have now been blessed with 40 mg of prednisone, yes...I said 40 mg of prednisone. I expect to be balloon like in about one week, and also not to mention the other fun little item that my gastro ordered for me to today. Luckily the pharmacy didn't have it, but not to worry she said! I will have it for you tomorrow!! OH BOY!!! can hardly wait, and for inquiring minds, just ask what the fun item is, I'll be glad to tell you. It's something you get to have everyday!, that's right, and you do get used to it! that's right too! As a matter of fact, your body just kind of learns to absorb it if you know what I mean?? sound like fun? Well, let me put it to you this way, it's not.
None of this is, it all sucks! but, if it gets my UC and bleeding under control, yes I bleed..scary thought huh? then I will just deal with this too. along with the sweats... 7 more weeks

Where. . . .

do I even start. . . . .
I guess with yesterday...Ahh yesterday I now call it Toxic Tuesday...because of all of the diarrhea I have been having for the last two weeks we decided to hydrate me after chemo, I think I could have used more than 500cc's because along with the diarrhea I am sweating profusely from all of the steroids. Hey, who wants to be me?
Something funny actually happened while at Chemo, this after I had a melt down in front of the Dr and told her I can't do this any more. Sleep deprivation, and diarrhea will kill be before the cancer does I swear!
My chemo crime partner and I decided we should go downstairs to the pharmacy and get a diet soda, so we grabbed our poles, bags hanging and all of that stuff and proceeded to walk to the door when Lana, our Russin spy nurse said , "where are you going?" we said downstairs, to the pharmacy...next thing, Dr Kaul was at the door, blocking it like we would make a break for it, and she wasn't looking too happy with us, and said you cannot leave the office with Chemo, what were we thinking and to go sit down and behave, she wasn't having any Thelma and Louise escapades in her office...was actually very funny. So, one of her nurses went downstairs and got our sodas for us which was really nice! the laugh did us good.
Back to the serious stuff, I have to put a call in my Gastro because I can't go through another week of this and I am afraid what tomorrow will bring. I am on 20mg of predisone now and will see what that does but I need to talk to him soon. Can hardly wait. If I could just keep this part under control I feel like I could handle not sleeping all of the pain from the taxol, but along with it, this is a long haul...7 more weeks!
I met my Onc Rad dr today. He is nothing short of amazing, spent 2 hours with Eric and I explained everything from the beginning, the very beginning all the way through to where I am now, and to where I am going. What his plan is and how the radiation will work. He will also be radiating the lymph nodes behind the clavicle, as my tumor size was 4.5 cm (like a tennis ball), and he has no way of knowing if anything went there, even though it did go to my lymph nodes under the arm. He explained that there is no way to know if the cancer went into my blood, so that was kind of strange to hear and not comforting but what can I do?
So I have a mammogram set up for Nov., and then will have some kind of mapping thing for radiation, then I go someplace else and they do some other kind of diagnostic think that like slices layer by layer of everything, that goes back to him, and then we start.
Make sense? Uh yeah, sure it does.
I will have 7 weeks of radiation, that will start about 3-4 weeks after chemo, so I can rest and recover from chemo, I will go 5 days a week and it will take about 15 min ea visit.
I will get some kind of cream to use 2x a day and unless I am having a bad reaction to burning 2 x a day should be enough, if not maybe 3 -4 x a day with the cream.
I am like the worlds worst lotion putter on person, so this will really be interesting, I have no choice I just hope it isn't some disgusting thick stinky stuff, or I will really have a problem!
I just kept hearing him say you have one of the most aggressive forms of breast cancer that is out there, and this is is only way we can treat this...he was going through all of these %'s and because of all of these factors I'm like at a 61% that we will get this...or was it 61% that is will not be got??
It can reoccur, and to be honest many of the bloggers I have read on the TNBC site have pretty much all had reoccurance, all be it later...it still came back.
So, tomorrow I will pray for no diarrhea, and I will call my Gastro and hopefully we can just do a phone call and I don't have to go drive down to UCLA.
Fun stuff!

Monday???

wow, I haven't been online in days!
ok......and for my new trick.....morning coughing and bloody nose!
still haven't had a solid nights sleep. I don't even remember what it's like to sleep the whole night through. I sleep, wake up, sleep wake up, and I am going to the bathroom all night night long, because I can't stop drinking water because I seem to be dehydrated. I've started this strange bloody nose thing I need to tell Onc. Dr tomorrow. Eric seems to think If I ask her, she will give me a week off of chemo...I don't see her doing it.
I have 8 WEEKS to go here, and I just can't figure out how I am going to get through this.
I feel like I just keep saying the same thing over and over again, but the truth of the matter is I am miserable.
It's funny, not ha ha funny, but when I had the 1st 12 weeks and the A/C I thought I can do this. Dr said Taxol would be easy for me. She flat out lied!
I mean I guess in her position I would have done the same thing, but I can't get off the couch come Thursday, it's Monday afternoon and this is the best I've felt since last Thursday, and honestly I don't feel too spiffy.
Everything I eat or try to eat, tastes horrible or I am pooping it out because of UC, so I can't even get off the toilet. Sound like fun?

So....

sick today. Freezing this am, then the sweats. Up all night again last night. I can't take this too much longer.
UGH

Toes. . ..

are numb today and so is right hand. This is fun!
Had chemo yesterday and I still can't get this crappy taste out of my mouth.
Sleep update: didn't, ummm yeah and I have a headache today. Feel sorry for me?
On a different note....trying to figure out how the hell we are going to send Hannah back to Bucknell to an open house next month unless the coach brings her back, we can't afford to do this..keeping our fingers crossed, because if she goes back to open house, Eric has to go as well and well that's an expensive trip even flying southwest, but we have to make a decision here like within the week, just don't know how we will pull this off. (she can't make a decision about a school she's seen online)
Campus is amazing, school is amazing..offers everything she is thinking about, housing is on campus for all four years, biggest class is 21:1, common class size is 16:1 can you believe that?
If we can pull this off, get aide and any scholarships/grants would be something for her!
that's 100% on the wow factor..so we will see what will come.
that's it for now

Ever. . . . .

hear the saying, " If the cancer doesn't kill you the treatment will?"
So Sunday is supposed to be the day I start to feel better, or so I thought.
I had this figured out that Sunday is my better day, Monday a little better, then chemo and mega doses of steroids on Tuesday....then it starts all over again.
WRONG...I drug myself out of the house for my big outing, the market and walked around like a zombie, only to come home and resume Saturdays position on the couch.
I slept all day Saturday, laid on the sofa all day Sunday but manged to make some kind of crock pot stuff for Eric because he worked all weekend.
He's killing himself...working like this, taking care of me..this is a pity party... a little, but he sure got the short end of the stick I'd say.
I couldn't sleep last night, so it makes it really hard to try and be positive. I really do try, but I just can't seem to muster it up, and I was hoping to get a good day in here before tomorrow.
My body just really hurts and in really strange places. Like my butt, my hips, legs, feet, fingers, toes...besides the arms, and ribs and muscles....
Why on earth is taxol the preferred drug here? someones idea of a really cruel joke!

I. . . .

Hope I can get through these next 9 weeks. This just gets worse as it goes, and nothing I eat or drink tastes right.
Trying to to pick my self up a little, but I have to admit this is so hard. Yesterday, Friday was the worst day yet. Grrrrrrr.
Gonna see if Hannah will go get me a tea from starbucks.....

Wednesday. . . . .

So I'm having an ok day....went to the office and had a really nice birthday lunch!! Thank you EVERYONE!!!
I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night and I am glad that I did because this not sleeping at night is driving me crazy.
How am I feeling now? still wired from all of the steroids, and feeling tired at the same time if that makes sense??? it's so hot outside, but I know when I try to go to sleep tonight it will be another one of those nights, and I am dreading tomorrow because it's Thursday and I know what starts on Thursday...my fingers and toes are already getting numb so it's starting a little early...fun stuff, NOT
Still waiting for the 3 day info to come, I don't want to sign up until I get it and really read up and watch the video, because once I make the commitment I am in it and I can't back out.
The 1st thing I need to do is think of a team name...something to do with TNBC will have to ask Leslie for help here... c'mon my Witty girl friend!!
My plan for tomorrow is to do some work, and try and get my self back to a pattern, maybe since the UC has calmed down I can just deal with the pain and aches and work a partial day.
That is my plan, so we will go with that!

You....

know you've had a great dinner the night before when you wake up in the morning, in my case 4am, and can't stop going to the bathroom!
Well, in my case it's not really the dinner, it's more like the newly formed friendship (no pun intended) of the taxol and uc.. hey maybe i'm on to something "taxoluc" or perhaps taxol-u lop-o-lis..I like that, Ummmm dr. Kahl, I would like to explain taxolulopolis and the principals of poop o lopolis to you. They are closely related and there is a molecular balance that must occur in order for one to work completely within the other, and therefore it is quite complicated and the balance must be achieved for success, but I do believe this can be obtained....
yeah, fun stuff, NOT
So the big 50 yesterday, and it was nice day, thanks to imodium. :) well, I'd like to say it helped me get out of the house, so that i could have a nice day.
Eric wanted to take me to lunch, but these days, food is not my friend, well actually it has nothing to do with the food, as is does not matter what I ingest.. (more a less), ok yeah so back to me, because it's all about me...
So no lunch, the thought of another public bathroom after albertsons is not something I really want in my future. No lunch, but I asked for a rain check...was able to get out of the house around 11, we went and got me some pj bottoms, cause I lounge a lot these days, yeah I'm a real lady of leisure these days, and a new nose ring.
Dinner was GREAT we went to Ruths Chris, couldn't eat too much, but Hannah will have a great lunch.
Hannah bought me some perfect earrings (I am so picky) I love them. Ok ready for this, she had the girls write me cards and put them into a book, I looked at this and started crying, thinking about it, makes me want to cry, but it gave me some hope and some strength and she has no idea how much that little gesture meant.
My bubba, gave me some money that he has been saving since I started this thing because I have been wanting another tattoo, and I am sure that may be shocking to some, maybe not, but I have been wanting a Kanji and a Lotus flower for some time. Now it has so much more meaning. I have been looking for a tattoo artist for about 2 years, and I found an amazing one, in all places simi...but she is the real deal. when I started chemo, I found out I had to wait until after chemo. . .so whats a few more months? I'll go see her soon, and have her draw something, and then...it'll give me something to look forward to. Oh yeah my tattoo rule for women, never anyplace that sags! gross old woman + saggy tattoo = GROSS!!! find a laser Dr.
Ok, so the nose ring...on my birthday. yes I have a nose ring, have had it for quite some time...tiny tiny and I love it. No midlife crisis, wanted it for a long time, ok so I get a tiny tiny solid gold nose bone (tiny ball on both ends....) got the picture, yeah..so I'm gonna put it in myself. WRONG needless to say, on the way back from dinner Hannah, Eric and I stopped at Nathans and we waited, Hannah finds a fedora in there, cha-ching...anything else you'd like Hannah?, can I interest you in two hats perhaps you'd like that lovely big gold thing hanging there? what the hell is that for??
anyway, you have to stretch the little tiny hole out to get the little tiny ball through...2 times 2nd time it's a little bigger, but she put numbing stuff on, it works doesn't it??
yeah, happy b.day to me I say, she says, oh..Happy Birthday, on the house!
Driving home with my new nose ring Eric says, is that permanent? how do you take it out? what if you want to change it. say I.."you go back and have her cut it off" he asks again...it's permanent, you can't change it LOL!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! LMAO!! ha ha
I love it!

Well. . . . .

I am really trying to feel better, but chemo # 2 sucks big time.
Thursday starts with the aches and pain. And I'm talking been hit in the ribs kind of pain.
I now have a have a bladder infection and my UC is starting up officially. Upped prednisone to 10mg, and taking diarrhea medicine too. hey the fun never stops. I figure no one is even reading reading this anymore because it's too depressing!
Oh yeah, the big 50 on Monday. I am exhausted.
We are having the girls over for a bbq later, or I should say Hannah is. Trying to get house cleaned up and got most of the stuff. I am really glad some of the girls are bringing salads and such because beyond making some dip, I'm low energy today.
Yesterday when my reg dr called and said I have the bladder infection from hell I started crying, it was about that time Eric said he had to go to work. I don't blame him.
This is so hard on him.
The 1st round of chemo was hard but easier, this taxol lasts another 10 weeks, and honestly, I am trying so hard, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't feel good.

Tuesday. . . . . .

ok, so chemo #2....10 more weeks to go
It would seem that I now have some kind of inner ear infection on top of everything else. This just sucks.
How am I supposed to be positive and feel better emotionally and spiritually when I feel like shit physically? How did I get to this place?
One good thing today I think I may be going to a cancer retreat in October ...I am waiting to get more info from them.
I am also thinking about doing the 3-day in October 2010....it will take about a year for me to train considering I have 10 more weeks of chemo then radiation...and for how long that goes I have no idea at this point.
I saw my reg Dr. today too and she is going to try to translate what the Onc Dr told me, because I have no idea what is going on, other than 10 weeks of chemo and radiation.
It's so frustrating not to know what is coming or at least (at the very least) what to expect. I think this is why I am so upset. Because I have no knowledge, and I don't want to just research because my situation has nothing to do with someone else's (sorry someone else)
I don't what what a marker is, how we determine what it is or what mine is if I even have it.
I don't know when I see the Rad Dr, how long that will last..or who he/she even is
I don't know if I am having another mamo or pet ct, if I am when, what does that determine
I don't know if the cancer is gone, if it's spread
I don't want to be told, "oh it will be fine" or "it will work"
I just want some basic information so that I have knowledge and I feel like I know what is going on with my body and my cancer.
Is this too unreasonable?

Another. . . .

sleepless night!
I still feel like I've been run over by a truck. I need to talk to onc dr on Tues about how I am feeling. This is pretty awful.
Leslie, thank you for your am humor. . . . .pancakes and cow pies. yum

Wow. . . .

I feel like I've been run over by a truck.
My body hurts and aches so bad. If this is from the 1st round of taxol, what are the next 11 going to feel like?
Had the taxol on Tues.... started feeling pukey on Wed. that went away....started feeling kind of shakey on Thurs. and last night I started this "I feel like my upper body and ribs and been punched". I am so sore!
I really need to get out of the house today...

Ok. . . .

so the nausea is gone, that's a good thing, but I feel shaky. Kind of a strange feeling, hard to explain.
Tomorrow I am going to DMV to get my bald picture drivers license. I am really disgusted with this. Just pisses me off!
My hair is starting to grow back...sort of, what I can see is all white, maybe it's blond! I refuse to get it colored after it grows back in. I have been set free. . . . .
All the back to school stuff is starting for Hannah now. We did a retake of her Sr. pics yesterday.
So funny, the photographer sets up this fake balcony, and tell s her she can sit on it, that it will be fine and turns around and she and the whole thing topples over! LOL..she asked if he got an action shot, of course he didn't. That would be a great one to send out on announcements! Can't wait to see the proofs, she did a quick look through and liked what she saw...thank god!!
Wow, she's going to be a Sr!!

chemo. . .. ..

today.
Was feeling ok until about 1 hour ago, here comes the nausea. Thought I would escape it, lucky me and so here come the drugs, once again.
I will have to take something to sleep tonight, because last night I was up pretty much all night due to the steroids, and today I took them before chemo and then got some more while at chemo, so aside from the profuse sweating I have been having all day...(like the hot flash that never ends) I'm just having a ball! wooo hooo
Asked Dr how this will work now, and from what I can remember, because I can't seem to remember my conversation with her today, she said we would go through the 12 weeks, I will rest for about 3 before I do the radiation. This what I am confused about...I will go have a mammogram or another scan to check the markers?? wtf....then I will have a starting point so we can make sure cancer is gone, which she is sure it will be, then go see Rad. Dr and he will get me ready for that process that I have no idea about...like how long, how often etc, etc,etc....
I think I have this done closer to the end of the chemo and before I see the next dr. I think.
Who the hell knows!
Hannah is home yay! Her flight was supposed to leave around 8:30 last night, they left at 2:30am.....something wrong with the plane. what else is new? So airline gives them all a $7 voucher for the trouble..that was good for a muffin on the plane. Way to go Delta!
Unbelievable ending to this trip!
DMV this Friday??? hello baldie???

Tuesday. . . .

is the start of Round II.
Oh boy, can hardly wait!!
At least I am out of the funk I was in last week, and let me say I was not feeling too good both emotionally and spiritually. Combo of being so tired, not feeling good and missing Hannah.
She comes home tomorrow, and I know she is ready, for the most part it's been a horrible trip but I am proud to say I kept things really positive and supported her as much as I could and did not let her know how upset I have been at what's been going on over there.
Coach should be ashamed of his behavior and treatment of the girls, well all girls other than one.
And the fact of the matter is, the entire team has been upset and disgusted by this so I know it's not just mine for a change. What a cluster f... I have had people not on the trip calling me asking me what is going on over there...like I know.
I feel like I am in a better place though to start tomorrow. It will be along haul...chemo once a week for 12 weeks. 12 weeks. wow
I start a new steroid tonight, Dr says I probably won't sleep, so I will take a benedryl and then right before bed, take the steroids and see how I do.... it's kind of strange that what I am concerned about is sleeping. Oh well, that's ok.
I am working today and trying to get some things done, so that is good.
And basically, that's about it for now.

Honestly. . . .

I have felt so crappy all week. So tired, sleeping alot and really depressed. I haven't had a week like this one yet where I haven't been able to shake it off. That's partially why I didn't write anything for a couple of days.
Today I feel a little better, dinner with everyone last night really helped, it was fun, we laughed, and it was great.
The flowers and smoothie yesterday was really nice too, thank you Sylvia!
I miss Hannie too! she's having fun in Hawaii and I am so glad.
So, that's it for now.

Ok. . .

so enough about me. . . . .
Jo's were, interesting.
The meet and greet went well, Hannah spent about 2 hours talking to different coaches so that was a great experience for her.
We have some wonderful families and I loved hanging out with them. I think we, the parents, had way more fun than the girls!
Our girls played great, although we did not get into the medal round, we took 7th place in the platinum round and considering we were missing Ashly (our set) our girls played hard and did well and we were all really proud of the job they did, go LA!!
Now we will see what the fall has in store for us, some talk about Kyle taking over the 18 A team.
College wise, let the games begin.
Hannah has been contacted by Bucknell, and when she gets back from Hawaii she has to follow up with Davis, UCSD, Marist and of course Kyle. Who is amazing!
He has offered to help help her, she adores him and would love to go to LMU and play for him, but may not be in the cards. . .
So, we go where it takes us and should be an exciting ride.
Hawaii update. . . .
Yesterday she had 5 out of 6 goals our team scored..Go Hannah!
She's gonna have some fun in Hawaii and should be an interesting high school season.
Hey Mom gets to brag a little, she's been working her ass off for four years with club and she deserves it!

No . . . .

Chemo today.
Thank god I had the week wrong, I have one more to go and I start new series next Tuesday. This would have been a really bad day to start as my mouth is killing me.
Good news I got a bunch of stuff from Dr. today so we will see how it goes.
I get to start a new dose of steroids next week and I am not looking forward to that or some of the side affects with new chemo, so I am just not going to think about any of this today. I'll try to digest it later and then figure out my plan for next Tuesday.
Hannah's in Hawaii, gonna play her 1st game this am and all should be good.
She's in a good room with no drama girls..THANK GOD!!
I was afraid of a possible room assignment but thankfully that didn't happen, so all will be good in Hawaii.
Aloha!

Where do. . . . .

I even start about the last 5 days?
I am fried, so I will have to think about this tomorrow.

My mouth hurts so bad I can hardly even talk, I have two enormous sores on the side of my tongue. I am having a hard time swallowing and they hurt like a bitch! My left ear even hurts.
this started two days ago and I am having some fun now!

Like I said, tomorrow.

Why. . . .

is packing so much fun?
Getting Hannah packed for Jo's and then Hawaii at the same time..not my idea of a fun time.
And last minute, oh I need a ride to LMU ...by the way!
1 hour drive down, 2 hour practice, 1 hour drive back...
I am feeling tired still, and hoping I'll be good to go for the next 5 days. Not like I have a choice but I plan to keep myself strong..at least in my head. So if I'm good to go in my head then the rest will just follow right? Right!

Another one. . . .

of those sleepless nights. UGH!
Sometimes it takes forever for me to fall asleep, then I keep waking up all through the night. I kept thinking I have to get up soon to drive up north and I haven't packed yet. Then I remember I haven't packed yet, and I'm not leaving until Wed. morning.
The plan is to leave at 5am, although Hannah doesn't know we are leaving then...my little surprise. I hope she sleeps in the car for a while. We shall see.
We are doing a meet and greet w/college coaches from 1-3pm.
I hope that goes well, she is looking forward to it, so I am glad about that.
Now she's not opposed to looking at schools out of state. I'm glad about that too.
Not because I want her to go far, but because I want her to be open to anything and have options and choices, but most importantly, to not be afraid and step out of her comfort zone a little. Maybe she is growing up . . .just a bit :)

My eye. . . . .

hurts. I seem to like to sleep with my face in the pillow. How the hell do you breathe with your face in a pillow all night? Oh yeah, back to my eye. . . my eye and the right side of my face hurts and I have a headache. Ok, I'm done complaining about that. But what I really want to complain about is this port thing. I haven't talked about it in a while, so why not.
I HATE IT!! I sleep on my stomach and it sticks out of my chest, (I look like I have this big pimple thing because one of the little balls is really sticking out) I know this is hard to picture, so you'll just have to trust me on this...no pictures.
See, most of the time I don't think about cancer, or that I have it. . .technically I don't until I catch a glimpse of my self in the mirror, oh yeah bald head! or the fact that I can't fall asleep because I am so uncomfortable..port thing, so I hate the port. . .I blame the port, I transfer everything to the port, and I want it out, and when it's out I don't need chemo, or blood or anything and that means I don't have cancer anymore either. Simple!
Water polo, so lets see. . . .Hannah has LMU this weekend, I don't get to go watch. I'm too tired, and they have three games today. Eric is going today, and then everyone is having dinner after. . .I hate missing this. It's going to be a long day! But I get to go to Jo's so that will be fun.
We leave on Wed. . .at 5:30 in the am. Hannah is going to ride with me so I don't have to drive up alone. (Do you know the way to San Jose. . . . .stupid song!)
I'm excited for her. Three of her teammates are on the national team, so that means more play time. Jo's should be interesting this year. All the best teams are short players because of the national team, so outcome will be very interesting!
Eric flys up on Sunday for the day, then we drive back after her game and she leaves the next morning for Hawaii!
Am I sorry I cancelled my trip? hmmmm, yes and no.
But more no than yes, so it's all good.
So my plan for the day? go get my car washed, take a nap. . .slept like crap last night. . .maybe a pedicure? Not sure though because I seem to have a slight bathroom problem this am.
Hey you get it all here, the good, the bad and the poopie! ha ha
I know I have the life that everyone wants, so stand in line!

Why. . . .

does Lexi lay right under my feet? If I scoot my chair forward she's right there and Max lays on the floor right behind me. I'm trapped in here, in my office.
Today is the first day this week that I actually feel like I can do some work, so that is a good thing. I need to catch up with my paperwork.
Ok, so most people who can't fall asleep count sheep or toss and turn or?? I think about the stupid things, like water polo and what I have done for the last three years and I never really thought about what I have been doing.
When the coach fired me at the car wash (from my high paying job) I thought he has no idea what I do, and until last night, I didn't really even know. So I thought I would list it all.
After all, it's all about me. . .
All emails and team correspondence...all the parent emails, does she need her parka, what pool, what time, where do I get that form, (coach never even knows about all of those)
text messages to Girls
all Fundraisers..car wash, wreaths (oh wreaths, sorting in my garage by myself), popcorn, etc
all money and spreadsheets (accounting for the treasurer)
Ahh, my personal fave...suit fit in the locker room
T-shirts, team suits, sweat shirts, back packs, embroiderer
sign up sheets for snack bar, sign up sheets/order forms for above
Website, which I designed, maintained and pay for here's a link I'm really proud of this:
http://www.eteamz.com/RoyalGirlsh20polo/index.cfm?
(of course right now barely anything on it cuz it's summer)
photo's at every game, and even JV and Frosh so we have some pics to use
And what I am most proud of My memory book and the slide show.
(never mind the stuff that I do on the board as the secretary, that's gonna change too, I am cutting way back on that...yep)
See I love to do all of this and has been important to me to help and give something back, but the funny thing...the coach has never one time said "thank you". Not once, he dislikes me, but allows me to do this stuff. I don't get it, he has never even asked me or Hannah how I am feeling. I've been helping him for THREE years.
I know it's strange that I am writing so much about him lately maybe this is my way of kind of purging myself and trying to understand so I can move on. After all this will be her last year in high school.
Do I help him again? I'm just not sure, I've already had parents emailing me asking why I haven't been sending out emails. . . . . I say nothing.
It does feel better to write about this and get it out, we will see what the year brings