Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I just wanna be done. . . .

Its confirmed next Tuesday last chemo and radiation too I think.  (i pray) chemo for sure just not sure about oral chemo waiting for a call tomorrow to find out, everything is so confusing and I forget which is something that I am just not used to...the forgetting part, upsets me so much I cry when ever this happens so needless to say I cry  a lot.
I hate the term "oh chemo brain"   just like "oh pregnant brain", in my case it's half a brain and i'm getting tired of my friend holding on to the good part I'd like it back now..please??  :)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

two. . . .

More weeks of torture left, then I can get this power port out and start feeling a little better I hope I hope.
Just feel shitty and don't have much to say.  which is hard to believe for me.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

HOW. . . .

Do I feel?  Like shit.  living on nausea med and MJ, think I said that before but who can remember with half a brain.
I know I'm sick of asking people to do things and then when someone says sure lets go to lunch I toss my cookies and can't go. I'm just not going to ask anyone anymore, I get sad and don't feel that great to begin with.  people say it is but then they stop calling so I don't really believe them, I think they are sick of my cancelling so they don't really invite or text me. I feel sad most of the time but when I'm around others I always put up a good act like I feel great, because who wants to be around a downer all the time, so its a pity party day for me, guess I'm entitled
Just sick of it all.  I go out to breakfast by myself at least 2x a week, Hubby works so we try to go at least one day on a day off, he truly is the only person I can count on.  I don't have to pretend to feel good and I am so thankful I have him in my life, what if I married a shithead?Thankfully I didn't and he is amazing..
Honestly If one more Dr. tells me we don't have any data for your treatment but we believe it will work, I will Fucking scream right then and there.  Just what one wants to hear, I'd like to see some of the Dr's. live with information given in this fashion.,
3 more weeks of radiation 5 days a week, 1 chemo pill 7days a week for 3 weeks, and 1 chemo infusion 1 time a week for 3 weeks, then an MRI and we will see if its gone.  This is always in the back of my mind, I can't escape the thought, I try to remain positive, I pray every night and every morning for those I know that need it and those I just love.
Today I went to Starbucks near where I live, everyone is really quite friendly, they bring their dogs, hang out, it's nice. Long story short I met Rick, he asked how I was doing and if he and his wife and daughters could pray for me, couldn't believe it, and with that he said consider 4 more people on your team. Again I couldn't believe it, I told him thank you and gave a light hug. Was so nice made my morning. Called hubby he couldn't believe it.
I do have some amazing experiences and new friends that I meet for coffee and tea, they go everyday, and I am always welcome and when I go I just feel normal and happy and I am grateful for them eggbok!

Friday, June 8, 2012

UGH. . . .

That about says it all, tolerating all,  chemo, chemo pill and radiation.....SUPER tired, a little pukey here and there...nothing that zofran, compazine and some med mj can't handle, seriously..
So I asked The Bub to shave my head again, radiation area starting to fall out that looks like Shit, like a bald headed woman with a huge scar on the side of my head and like that doesn't draw looks, but you know what??
I wear my head scarred and bald, head held proud and upright.  I stare right back at those looking for a while at me.. some times I smile, but mostly they get my face with my tongue sticking out at them FUCKERS!!  I love that word  Ha Ha
But it's like someone saying I'm so sorry, why are you sorry did you cause this, it must make those who say this feel better because they don't know what to say.   how about: Hows your day going , or it is so beautiful outside....  No pity, no tears cuz who are they really for???
It is beautiful outside, I took myself out for breakfast, I actually went shopping for a tiny bit, so today is a good day and it's about fucking time!!!!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

AS. . . .

Luck would have it I have a blood clot in my neck in may main artery, you can see the tubing in my neck (for the chemo port) so when I move my head it bulges out, fucking figures!
So I take 1/2 vicodin along with a benedryl to help with the itching I get from vicodin, I can't even be a druggie cuz i am allergic.  No fun for me!
Pill chemo is OK a little nausea here and there, but I can live with it for 5 more weeks, they can't take the port out and re-do because I will clot again, and no blood thinners for this girl unless I want a brain bleed like last summer....no thanks!
I would have loved to go to a movie or lunch today but no one to go with, I get really tired of asking people all the time to do things, I feel pathetic and sad. I have no idea whats playing so it's just as well.
I hate being sick and everything that comes with it