Tuesday, December 28, 2010

December. . . .

28th already?
Wow where did the year go?
My Bald and itchy head says it should at least be Feb. by now!
I had to go back on the roids, and I am going to try to taper again tomorrow.
I've been on a full dose for a week, and then I will be on a half dose for a couple of weeks and maybe the swelling will have gone down by then. I won't really know until I try but I am really sick of this.
I take for granted that the brain radiation caused more trauma to my brain and I guess I just am impatient with my healing, but then again that probably sounds strange as I've done so well.
I'll just go with impatient for now.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Good. . . .

news! Got prelim MRI results yesterday and there are no new growths or re-growths.
I do have some hemorrhaging at the surgical site, and some swelling still, so back on the roids for a little bit.
I've lost 5 lbs. Eric and I thought it would be more as I literally have no appetite. This must be like when someone has a bypass surgery or something.
Food looks good, well some things look or sound good, and I'm good for about 1 maybe 2 bites, and then most likely no dinner. That's about it. Dr Kaul thinks it has something to do with all of the roids, the swelling, the gastric issues . ..who the hell knows.
I started double dose of prilosec to stop the nausea, and food wise, it's not like I can't stand to loose a few more lbs, so. . . .
For now, I'll focus on the positive

Monday, December 20, 2010

Well. . . .

tomorrow is Brain MRI day. Can't wait.
How I've been feeling. . . .
tired, dizzy vertigo on and off and like I'm going to barf most of the time.
whats going on???
Hope I get results by Thursday and it's all clear.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

well. . . .

My Internet seems to be working now. But I realized I still haven't written anything in a while.
I went to the dermo yesterday and she gave me a ton of stuff ...rx wise... to get this crap cleared up that I am still experiencing.
Yes WBR, the gift that keeps on giving. Cradle cap (crap) and all!
I have the faded sunburn on my forehead that never seems to stop peeling, along with they mysterious bumps that itch on my forehead and on my neck behind my ears.
And scar update, *(or my trap door as I like to now refer to it), it still hurts.
And....while I'm at it, my scalp hurts. Like the little tiny hairs and I mean tiny seem to rub on my pillow at night and it's like something moving the wrong way and it friggin hurts. Only thing is, there is just like no hair, so is it the hair follicle??
While I'm on a roll, my right breast is itching like crazy again, to be completely truthful, I haven't even told Eric about this, I feel like it's back...in my breast that is, or it's coming back. I can't shake it and it's not a wish but so help me god if it is , it's coming off and maybe both of them because I can't live like this. It haunts me.
I've got my primary this am, and I'm going to ask her to give me feel, and I've got my brain MRI on Tuesday I have Dr. Kaul, so I will tell her whats going on , of course.
And for "food for thought" on my part, I am seriously considering starting another blog.
A mother/daughter one. I can't write here about all of that stuff, but I really think that writing about whats going on and how I feel really helps me.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Wow. . . .

I just thought it'd been a couple of days since I last posted, it's been like 2 weeks!
It's like waking up every morning and wondering what day it is. I was convinced yesterday was Tuesday. I hate when that happens.
It's been a few days without steroids which is great in one way and horrible in another.
Great because I've wanted to be off for so long now and I'm hoping I don't have to go back on them like the last time. Bad, because my body hurts and I am sooooo tired. I can drag myself out a little in the am, but my late morning, forget it.
I was supposed to start walking on Monday but I don't have the energy. I feel like crap. I'm sure if I go back and read, I'll see this is what happened the last time, or the time before, or???
My forehead has just about peeled, now my ears look like I don't know how to wash them. No matter what lotion I put on, I am flakey, and because it's a faux tan, It looks dirty.
Never mind my bald head. That's a complete disaster. Dry, peeley, flakey...just gross in general and I am SICK of wearing shit on my head when ever I go out.
I am almost to the point where I don't care if you can see the trap door on the side of my head.
I already have an explanation if anyone stares or asks...." I was abducted by aliens and found in a field behind the bridal path! when I came to in the hospital they had no explanation as to what happened to my head...but every so often I feel a vibration and a loud series of beeps" fml

Friday, November 19, 2010

It's . . . .

Friday and a big so what!
That's pretty much my mood for the week.
Is semi normal ever going to come back? or maybe I should say something that resembles familiar as far as my mood goes?
My inability to get myself going here mentally, spiritually, physically is something I can't even explain, other than thinking the same stupid thing over and over, you've had trauma to your brain and it takes time and as long as I'm not sleeping more than 12 hours a day/night I'll get through it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Talk. . . .

about the most stupid thing I've done lately.
This one takes the cake, I make Eric come with me to my Dr. appt., the one I thought I had at 9:00 am this morning.
Yeah, one of my better moves, since the half of brain thing is going on. Shit!
I never took it off my calendar and we went to go get test results, that if anything "showed up on" I would have been called since my next appt. isn't until Dec.
I feel like an idiot, and I am so sick of this happening.
I write pretty much everything down, and I still can't quite get it together.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Still. . . .

so tired.
I thought I was kind of getting out of this tired thing, but not quite yet.
I think I will go through mid-week and see if I feel a little more rested and get down to 1/2 on the roids.
I know that's all I talk about because it's pretty much what takes over in my mind because of how I feel and act.
I think I did too much yesterday or I just stayed up to too late...10 pm...
Maybe it's just the combo??
I'm going out w/ a friend today and honestly I'd cancel and go back to bed but we are leaving in 1/2 hour.
It'll be good for me, just take some tylenol. Maybe the headache is from the one wine cooler I had, but it REALLY tasted good. hmmmm
Tomorrow is Dr. K and tumor marker results. Can't wait

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ha. . . .

Yeah, not really.
Ok but seriously, I am getting of the roids, down to 1 a day, and Sunday will be 1/2 for 1 or 2 weeks then done!
Tumor marker test back on Monday, so once I've got an all clear there, I am pretty good to go until the brain MRI in Dec.
Trying to walk everyday so I can get some energy going here.
I'm still pretty tired, and once I go to 1/2 roid, It'll fry me again, so next week may be a little tiring, but nothing I can't handle.
When I'm up at night I think about things like: do they make gluten free bagels, and what breakfast items I can provide the team that'll be different than what I did the last time.
Should I bring some bagels into radiology for a pre-TGive Thank you?? I love those people, so I'm thinking yes, plus it gives me a chance to go harass them.
I'll be glad when I sleep through the night, I can't remember when I did that last..

Friday, November 5, 2010

Since. . . .

it's all about me.... and I have so much to say today!
I am sooooo tired. The tired is like nothing I can explain, it's like all of a sudden it's just caught up to me. (which I think is kinda strange considering I finished my radiation last Friday)
But then again, I did have my brain radiated, so this is completely different than when I had my breast done.
Speaking of my breast...my been to the tropics, lovely tanned "girl" , yeah so what about that?
Well, no one told me about my head, and I just didn't really think about it, because as of radiation.
And I think Leslie gave me the crappy part of our brain, to play a joke on me. not funny!!
But, yeah. . .my forehead..sunburned ish, kinda crispy, in the infamous words of Borat, " That's nice!" "Hey, what happened to your face?"
Oh yeah, it gets better, because it's not like I can put some foundation on right now, because of the pealy thing going on too.
My ears, well a tiny bit better, I live on aquaphore and q-tips, I don't eat this, I just apply ALOT!
during the day, middle of the night, 1st thing in the am.
Like I said, it's all about me.
I try not to say to much to Eric because I don't want to drive him crazy, but when the dog and I are sitting on the couch and we are both scratching our ears, he asks if we are having some kind of contest.
Do you think she is having sympathy pains, or sympathy itches?? hmmmm
Memory wise, the first thing I think about when I get up, what day is it, swear to god. If I don't remember I ask Eric.
I notice little things, I mean besides the tired/energy level.
What I really want? I want to go to work and feel like a whole person, what ever that means!
Does your brain regenerate like a lizards tail? ha ha

Monday, November 1, 2010

Oh. . . .

my GOD!!!
If my ears don't stop itching inside I think I will go CrAZy!!!
The radiation has done some kind of drying, irritating, itching awful thing, and since Friday I feel like I'm going to come out of my skin.
Ok, so I have been using aquaphore and then neosporin w/pain relief on a q-tip for temp. relief, and I mean TEMPORARY relief.
Why on earth would they not tell you ahead of time to put something in there as a precaution for this fun new "thing" I have going on??
I mean seriously, with my breast it was...blah blah blah, with my brain it's like nothing.
My head itches, along with my ears, and to be honest, I haven't slept very well in a couple of weeks, but since Friday...OMG!!!
OK, so I'm going to see primary care today and hopefully she can give me something for this!!
I'd pull my hair out, but I don't have any.
The Palmers coco butter/oil feels ok on my head, it sinks in, but I don't think I should put that in my ear..
Keeping my fingers crossed. . . .

Friday, October 29, 2010

Well. . . .

I feel overwhelmed.
My Pet Ct was clear, "no visible signs" Dr. Miller will have read films today, but as of last and then confirmation w/Dr.Kaul today, my body is cancer free.
To say that is amazing.
When I heard this last night I was in shock and couldn't stop crying.
I'm so thankful, I am kind of speechless. Hard to believe I know.....
Today was also the last day of my brain radiation, next week I can start tapering off the steroids, big YAY there!!
I see Dr. Miller 2nd week of November, and then will have my Brain MRI end of Dec, and when that comes back clear I can really breath.
So one more test to go, and I am really sure the radiation took care of any floaters in my head and I'll be clear.
I have so much to be thankful for, I am just overwhelmed with emotions.
Then on the more typical side of my thought process,
I'm sitting in Onc. office and Kim is drawing like 12 tubes of blood...yeah me the vein challenged, and we just can't seem to get a good flow.
and what am I doing while she's attempting to suck the blood out of me?
I'm humming "if I only had a brain" ha ha
I hope she didn't think I was referring to her.
They had the Wizard of OZ in in the waiting room and everyone was dressed up like the Wizard of Oz there, so really it was only natural for me to do this.
Leslie, I'm sure you'll agree. . . :P

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Up. . . .

my dose again....by 1/2 oh yeah, hello sweats.
Is it Friday yet???

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Scan. . . .

Results on Friday.
I am exhausted today!
Tomorrow is first of three high powered radiation doses, then I'm done!
Is it Friday yet?????

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ok. . . .

tomorrow is the Pet CT...why on earth would they tell me I have to drink some disgusting thing that tastes like soap?
Now that's all I can think about and how I'm going to refuse to do it.
I seriously would have preferred not to know this!!
This is in addition to the injection, which I can handle, but drinking stuff, I'm not good at that.
After everything I've been through right, should be a piece of cake, well that would be a no, at least right now it's a no.
Tomorrow is also my last low dose of radiation, then I get the three bigger ones, and then will be done on Friday.
Which is also when I'll get my scan results. . . . .
I want to be done with all of this!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

As. . . .

expected, my hair is coming out.
I wonder if I don't touch it if it will stay on my head?? Hmmm, what if there is wind??
Yes, I know I lost it all with chemo, but this time I buzzed my head, I didn't shave it like the 1st time. The 1st time I buzzed then shaved.
Guess I better figure out how to wear these stupid scarves I bought. . . .
So glad I didn't go this am, I needed a day off. Next week will be five days, plus the Pet Ct on Tuesday.
Ok, here I go again.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Taking. . . .

a break tomorrow...thank God.
I don't care if I have 5 days next week, My scalp is driving me CRAZY!!!
Maybe this way I won't be fried over the weekend. . . . .

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

So. . . .

tired today, feel like I didn't sleep all night, but I did.
My scalp is really hurting, and according to Steve, my Tech guy this am, my hair is getting ready to fall out.
As I lightly tug on it, out it comes. (it's already so short)....
So I just don't know how this round grows back as Dr. Miller said it should grow back, but may not completely.
Ok I am going to buy nioxin, or one of those hair growth shampoos, but I think I will wait till after next week is over to start using it.
Other than that, today is a little better emotionally.
Next week, NOT looking forward to PET Scan. Just gotta get through that one. Can't freak out on that.
When all of this shit is over I want to take a real trip. Like anyplace not in California.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2ND. . . .

day and I still feel like this.
Ok, this is not like me and I just can't seem to shake it off.
I'm really trying and I just don't know why I can't move past this.
My hair is starting to come out, I knew it would I just thought it would be in the area that was getting the direct hit, so to speak...I mean the whole brain is, but I'm getting the radiation on two different sides.
Why can't I stop crying? I can't stand this.
I can't keep this up in front of Eric because he just doesn't know what to do, that's not to say he isn't trying because he is, he is amazing, but I know this is wearing on him so I try to not show him this side too much but as of yesterday it's just really hard.
This brain thing is just freaking me out!
Maybe as the week goes on I'll get to a different place in my head, that's what I'm hoping for.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Where. . . .

I am today?
This is a rough one and I feel so jumbled up in my head that I don't know if I can even make sense right now.
So lets see I thought today would mean that only 5 treatments to go, but after meeting with Dr. M, my Rad Onc., he wants me to do 3 more higher power treatments, so I will have 18 instead of 15 and I will be finished next week.
We just talked about so much that everything is spinning around.
I guess I just chose to really think about the fact that I have brain cancer. OK I said it.
I just kept thinking I had a met, grew into this enormous tumor in a really short time and we got and now after the gamma's and radiation, well that's that. Well not really, that's not that exactly.
yes I have trip neg, like that's not enough, but mine is really aggressive, so we are hoping for clear Pet scan next week..(making sure it hasn't gone to my lungs, liver, bones) at least for now. If that's the case Dr. M says then the chemo did work for now, but we still aren't really sure why it went to brain 1st, and so fast and so big.
Trying to digest this all, I asked what could I have done differently here, and he said nothing, there was nothing that I could have done.
So bottom line, I'm not in a great mood today, I'm just so upset and the reality of it all is that I just can't believe this is happening.
It's like I just want to wake up and have my job, and have none of this cancer shit anymore, and just go about my day like everyone else.
I hate not working, it's just still so upsetting, at least I had that to look forward to, and it kept my mind off of me.
I'm just having a really bad day, I guess I am entitled.

Friday, October 15, 2010

So. . . .

what is the deal with the gal from the ONC. office? she's supposed to make my appt for Pet CT, she calls me yesterday and said, oops I forgot to make your appt, do you still want me to do it or do you want to do it?
She's the scheduler person, so isn't that part of her job? I don't get it.
As far as the roids go, yes I'm back on them, so maybe that has something to do with the fact that I'm a little irritated, but I don't think that's completely it.
And when I see the Dr on Monday after my treatment, I have to ask him why my cheeks are bright red, looks like I fell into some freaky blush.
I hate this shit!! RANT

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Why. . . .

would someone I don't know post some ad for their business on MY blog?
If I get another post from her I will report. Find some other way to do your business please. rant!
So....I am dizzy today, started yesterday, and the neck ache thing is back. Even thought I know that there is no way something can be growing in my head, again, something is not wonderful here.
I guess by the end of the day I'll be back to my "roids".......once again. but if it helps with the dizziness, headache behind my eye and neck thing I'll be happy.
I am also very weepy, is this from the radiation?
Usually I am pretty strong, but as of yesterday I'm just not having any fun.
When I get home I take my little girl dog for a really short walk, but honestly, I've got to get out of the house or I am going to go koo koo!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Off. . . .

I go to radiation! Dr, Ahn says, "well you are 1/3 of the way through".
then he tell mes, they may do a few higher more concentrated doses on the area after the 15 are done. Yippie! so was that supposed to excite me?
Today, I have a neck ache, it reminds me exactly of the neck ache I was having before this nightmare began.
Is this a hear I go again moment?
I'm going to try some heat later on...sounding all too familiar, and this is me trying not to be paranoid.
We will do another MRI after the radiation, and pet scan to check my liver and lungs.
Feeling so happy happy joy joy right now....well off to get "lit" up

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Eh. . . .

is how I am feeling.
Tired after day four, and from what I understand will get more tired as it goes.
I have this kind of weird headache, it's hard to explain.
Kind of behind my eyes, sometimes it's in the back part of my head. but it's not the usual kind of headache. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's some kind of swelling, and that means , yes. . . more steroids, again.
I keep getting off of them only to go back on them.
I guess I'll have to see what Dr. Ahn says on Monday.
Friday when I had treatment I was kind of freaking out a little. and I'm just hoping it was because I didn't sleep too much Thursday night.
I kept thinking I was having some sensation in my head when I was having treatment.
Not real right?
Ok, I can do this...11 more to go.. (I hope)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Well. . . .

I am waiting to find out if I go in this afternoon or start tomorrow morning.
I am all consumed with this and can't stop thinking about it.
The unknown sucks!
I want some kind of guaranty that I'm not going to have any problems and that after I do this all of the cancer cells will be gone.
I keep thinking about my brain, and how I'm going to feel going through this.
Everything is bothering me right now, I mean everything.
I can't stop thinking about what happens inside your head when they radiate it. Low dose or not. Does your brain cook? Am I going to walk around like a zombie?
Honestly, I hate waiting. waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to start, waiting for this to be done, waiting for results...waiting waiting waiting

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Ok. . . .

so when I had radiation for my breast, I used a couple of different lotions/creams to help with skin stuff.
What I want to know is, do I slather stuff all over my head when I start the head/brain thing?
Guess it's a question I'll be asking next week. . . .

Friday, October 1, 2010

So. . . .

tired of waiting.
I want to get this overwith already!!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My. . . .

Breast MRI results are back and I've got an all clear!
that's great news.
Yesterday I got fitted for my new hat/mask thingie.
Really freaky.
I am really glad I did that part at Dr. Millers office, I like the guys that work there, and this was nothing like when I got tattooed for my breast radiation.
In the sense that nothing is hanging out, so that was actually welcomed.
They fit this hot wet mesh thing and pull it over your your face really fast...shut your eyes and don't move. I almost thought I was getting a facial. . .not! then it turns into a hard kind of plastic mold that they can use to snap over your face so you can't move your head during the radiation.
Then back to rolling oaks with it, for a CT scan and one more human pin cushion injection for contrast.
My veins are shot, and about the only place I can do anything at this point is in my left wrist and it friggin hurts!
I asked one of the techs when we may start this little escapade and he said perhaps as early as Monday.
Oh Boy!
This is just so surreal, I can't even explain it.
Eric shaved my head in the shower yesterday and I started crying, like I haven't been through this before, jeez get a grip Judy.
I just want to get through the month of October fast!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Off. . . .

to go get MRI of my breast.
Going by myself, that's weird and makes me feel kind of alone.
OH boy! another needle in my arm.
Funny I can't eat 4 hours before the MRI, so we went for breakfast and I wasn't really hungry, now all I can think about is food.
I'm not surprised.
Shaving my head tonight, then tomorrow get to have some SIM thing, and is that what the procedure is called or the actual fitting of the thing that they mold on my head?
How creepy!
Then back to Rolling Oaks with the "thing" for the Ct so they can get that info back to Radiation Onc. so he can map out the plan.
The plan, I am so tired of this.
Honestly, I don't really even think about it much until I sit down at my desk and all these appt slips and radiology orders, then it's like, oh yeah, this is me now.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday. . . .

gamma #3 went well and is done and over with.
They found a little something else growing there besides what we knew about, so the full brain radiation is a definite yes now.
As a matter of fact, Dr. A moved the Sim and CT scan up to next week, not on 10-7 as originally scheduled.
I say lets get this over with already!!
I'm shaving my head Tuesday night again, and I found a couple of cool scarves that I ordered, so we will go from there.
Mri on Monday for my breast, and yeah that's enough for now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I. . . .

know I can do this right?
Gamma #3 tomorrow, no biggie I've done 2 already.
What scares the shit out of me is the whole brain radiation.
In about 2 weeks I get fitted with this mask/head thing, get a ct scan with it on, then Dr. M can do some kind of mapping of my brain and then the fun begins.
Radiation of my brain, 5 days a week or 4 or 5 weeks.
It's low dose, not like what they did 20 years ago, that's a real comfort.
See, there are no options here. The triple neg cancer is so aggressive, and because it likes to grow, radiation seems to be the only thing that can knock down the cells, and not to mention that it's the only option I have. Wait, I did mention it.
I am not thinking about the side effects other than the hair loss, once again...but it seems that this hair loss takes a bit longer to come back than chemo, if it all even comes back.
So in preparation, I'm shaving my head before the mask/head thing fitting.
I've also ordered a couple scarves that hopefully will come with some kind of tying directs or I'm screwed!
I had a really good cry last night, I just hope I'm done crying for a while.
Poke me with a fork, I'm done !!

Monday, September 20, 2010

So. . . .

where to start?
Saw Dr. Kaul, and the bone scan is clear as I knew it would be.
I told her about the itching in my right breast, the feeling I've been having in right underarm, and that my mammo and ultrasound was clear, but she decided that I need to have a breast MRI and I am scheduled for next Monday.
To be honest, I am really glad about that because there is no good reason as to why this is itching. If there are any cells there, we will be able to see them.
But, on another note, she said I've got to get more aggressive with my treatment with the brain thing. I'm going for Gamma number three on Wednesday, and she wants, as did the surgeon, full brain radiation. She said, this is an aggressive disease, and we need to treat it aggressively.
Ironically, Dr. A just called and said the MRI does show a recurrence. So, now what?
We zap it on Wednesday. I see his partner tomorrow, Dr. Miller. . .my Radiation Onc. to get info on the full brain radiation, and get our plan going. Dr. Kaul said we will be able to do a lower dose of radiation, and side effects should not be horrible.
I just feel like crying, I just want this all to stop and be over with. I feel like I've had enough already.
I can loose my hair again, I don't care about that, I just don't want any speech or memory problems, that scares the living shit out of me.
I know I'll get my "fight on" but I'm just not in that head space just yet.
Honestly, I just want to drive down and see Hannah, any excuse right! ha ha
Maybe I'll feel better after I see Dr. Miller tomorrow??

It's. . . .

been awhile since I've written anything. There has been so much going on and I just haven't really made the time to sit down and put my thoughts together.
I get my bone scan results back today when I see Dr. Kaul and I really feel like everything is fine.
I need to talk to her about the itching though, still driving me crazy!
I've got Gamma # 3 on Wed. and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd really like to be done this with already, but I guess this is what's going to be the hardest to get rid of.
So I've just got to go with it.
What is weighing heavily on my mind is Hannah.
We got her moved and I do miss miss her, but not in a weepy way. Many people told me It would be so hard and I'd cry a lot, but to be completely honest I haven't. I think about her constantly though. when I skyped with her yesterday I did cry when I saw her, maybe the realization set in that she's gone?? I don't really know how to explain it.
I cleaned her room and bathroom, I plan to straighten out her drawers.
Maybe after going through everything I've gone through her going off to college just won't bother me in the way I thought it might? hmmm.
What I think about the most is really stupid..... is she sleeping enough, and eating and is she going to get back in the water and get ready for her tryout?
Can I go see her next weekend, is that too soon? With Gamma on Wed. I'll be too tired to drive by myself on Sat. and the next Sat. are tryouts so that won't be a good day to go.
So that's where I'm at.
We've told her since she was little that college comes after high school to let her know what to expect, maybe in a way that's helped me too. hmmm.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Does. . . .

this sound strange?
My right breast itches ALL of the time. I mean ALL of the time. On the right side, underneath and mostly on the nipple.
I can be out in public and it is driving me crazy, and it's not like I can just do sometime about it. checking out at the market and. . .Oh excuse me while I scratch my boob.
I thought it might have something to do with the radiation I had.
Like nerve re-growth. That happened after chemo, but that was more of a tingly strange feeling.
And this has been going on for weeks and I really haven't told anyone about it...Dr wise that is.
I think I'm going to look it up on the TNBC site.
Tomorrow is the breast ultrasound and the bone scan.
Oh boy, I'll have a radioactive cocktail please, Yummmm.
And one more thought, small rant....why the hell do I have to go back next month for my mamo?
Why can't they do it all at one time? It's not like I'm not busy or something. . . .

Friday, September 10, 2010

Today. . . .

is Friday right?
For some reason I keep forgetting what day it is.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we are only a few days away from moving Hannah into college.
All of a sudden we have all these last minute things to get?? I decided to move everything downstairs (from the spare room to the living room) so we can go through it all.
What a colossal mess!
On top of all of all of this I got my Brain MRI results back yesterday, fun stuff...
Well, what do they say? third time's a charm?? what exactly does that mean? what the hell is a charm anyway? and why do we even say that?
Oh yeah, like I was saying. . .Brain MRI, yeah. . .
So I will be doing Gamma a third time as there is something else growing in my head as he suspected.
No new mets, but just a continuation of the tumor that won't die. Is that like one of those old Asian horror movies?. . .the blob, the thing, the tumor that won't die?
How do I feel about all of this. . .hmmmm. . . that's a really good question.
Being as though Hannah was sitting there when he told us, I didn't burst into tears like I normally would have, I saved that for later. I'm just do SICK of this. I mean I can do this, and I will do this and I will be strong, but I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my life measured in two and three month increments.
And then again, as Dr. A said, we don't know if/how this can affect my memory this time. The tumor doesn't seem to be deep, but he can't say for sure because of where this is located. And if someone else says don't worry about it, I think I am going to scream.
Time to process this, yet again.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Talk. . . .

about BS, I think I have ESP or something. Honestly I do!
So Sat. I told Eric this is really strange, but I don't think I have an appt for my Brain MRI.
I mean it's on my calendar, but I have this feeling. . . .
So I called Rolling Oaks, and sure enough nothing.
OK, I told her when and with whom I made the appt with, and she says, "oh you missed your appt., it was last Thurs. at 9:30" Oh really??
I asked then why was I not called with someone saying you've missed your appt? or better yet someone calling me to remind me I had an appt?
I wasn't snotty to her, as it wasn't her fault, and she was really nice and felt bad.
So we leave at no appt tomorrow, and then than screws up my appt with Dr.A. . .blah blah blah
That sucks! but wait, my faith has been restored :)
She calls me back, said she called her Mgr. and they are putting me in at 7:45 am tomorrow.
Hmmm...what movie do I want to watch??

Saturday, August 28, 2010

So. . . .

what I've noticed recently is at night, when I'm lying down and dozing off, something strange is happening.
The vertigo thing that I had previously has started to come back. Only when I turn over, just like before.
So without trying to jump to conclusions, I mentioned it to Dr. K yesterday and she said well, maybe it's edema in the brain. (I've recently stopped taking steroids)
So, what would that mean? ummm back on the steroids.
I have a brain MRI on the 7th, I think I'm going to call on Monday and see about making an appt. w/Dr. A to see if we can get those results back quickly, as we are moving our daughter into her college dorm room the week after that test, and I really don't want to wait.
That would keep me jumping to conclusions most definitely!
September is a busy month!
Brain MRI, Bone Scan and Breast Ultrasound...hey, the 3 B's, oh and that little thing called moving your only child into her college dorm room.
Oh, and yeah I'm looking for a Job too. I just had to fill out an online resume on the EDD site, and actually I couldn't even fill out anything that looks like I might be a semi intelligent person.
FML right now! Thanks for firing me Doug you piece of shit!
I see my primary care on Tuesday, I think we need to change my meds. I don't think this is working. I'm having a really hard time getting myself "up" I get going, but I'm just not happy most of the time, and just feel depressed.
I wonder if my brain surgery had anything to do with this "state of mind"?
I just can't shake it off.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I. . . .

can't believe it's Friday.
The big 51 is next week...
Notice how I say the big 51, well what was supposed to be the big 50 (last year) kinda came and went during the throws of taxol, the drug from hell. Ahh I still remember it well. But thankfully is a memory and not a reality!
As far as being 51, that doesn't even phase me, it's like it doesn't mean anything.
So, long before the J O B thing, we had planned to go to Vegas for my B.Day, I know Vegas??, but there was a great special at a really nice hotel and tickets to see Blue Man, which I have wanted to see. So we booked it, and off we will go. I'm really looking forward to getting away and I think it'll be fun.
When I get back I have an appt w/Dr.K and we will schedule my full body scan.
Notice how it always comes back to that? Interesting. . . .
My tumor markers came back negative, so no reason to think my body scan will be any different.
I don't really think about the cancer, or brain tumors growing back, it's kind of like yeah that's me, but in a way it's not. Doesn't rule my thoughts or my day, it was there but it's not "me" yet it still just lingers in background.
I've just kicked the steroids, that's like the best news.
It's been a long taper, but It's over.
Now I just have to be patient as it works it's way out of my body. . . . .again. . . . .

Sunday, August 15, 2010

It's. . . .

When I lost all my hair with chemo it didn't bother me at all.
I shaved my head, and off I went.
When the brain thing happened, they shaved the area that they removed for surgery and then when I got home from the hospital we attempted to buzz the rest of the hair off, and Eric was extra careful around the "zipper"
At that time I was pretty freaked out how the side of my head looked.
My once smooth and nicely shaped head was now sunken in above my ear and then this lumpy bumpy track like zipper thing.
Ok, so now. . . .3 months later and 2 Gamma Knifes later. . . .
The sunken in area, not so bad and the zipper thing, not so bad, has smoothed out quite a bit.
I still have itching and numbness along parts of what was the zipper. No biggie
But what still remains and is weird is the patch of missing hair. (a result of the Gamma)
I know, I'm the one that shaves my head, I actually kind of like my hair at this length..1/8 inch (ha ha)
But the patch thing...no bueno... I am considering Nioxin, or maybe one of those bows that they stick on a baby's head..
You know, the baby that looks like it could be a boy or a girl, so the mom goes and buys one of those sticky bows for her head.
I wonder if the glue will stick like the adhesive they used on the bandages they stuck on my head when I was in the hospital.
That was not fun trying to get the damn glue off.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Do. . . .

you write about the things that keep you up at night, or the thoughts that you wake up with in the morning? I wonder.
Seems like lately they are one in the same.
Seems like lately I am questioning everything about myself, what's going on, what has gone on, and where I'm headed, as a person, as a mother, spiritually.
Getting fired put me in to a tail spin.
Not just because I lost my job, although that in itself doesn't really help matters.
Timing wise, couldn't be worse, but is there really ever a good time?
I can be positive, not talk about it, that way everyone is comfortable around me, but honestly I have never felt so worthless.
My self worth has always been so tied to what I do, how I produce, how I feel about taking care of my customers, my business, and that's all gone.
Just ripped away. Without a warning or discussion.
So I can say to myself, I'll be ok, I'll get through this, all of that, and I know I will, but it doesn't change what happened, doesn't change how I feel, and doesn't change anything.
I have no education, am going to be 51, recovering from cancer/going through cancer treatment and that is the reality of my situation.
I will start thinking about some classes or some kind of certificate program, or school, but I have no clue in what direction to go. Other than at this point I am done with sales!
The wish? Not to be at this place at this point in my life.
The reality? I am, get my shit together.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Time. . . .

to write, just haven't been able to really concentrate since loosing my job.
I'm trying to get over the initial shock of it, talk about getting kicked while you are down.
Or, getting the rug pulled out from under you.
My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure all of this out, and why it happened. . .
No warning, no nothing, just WHAM.
So the main question I have at this point in my life is this..
Who is going to want to hire me?
Oh by the way, I had breast cancer, and got a brain tumor, and I still am under going tests every two months, and not sure if it's going to come back, so I'll need some time off from time to time, and I can't tell you much more than that.
Sounds like someone I'd hire thanks Doug, you're a stellar individual

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Talk. . . .

about an f'up day.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

One. . .

of those days where I just feel like crying.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Jury. . . .

duty, not this year.
Although I wouldn't have minded serving, but the one the courtroom I went up to, the trial starts next week, and goes until August 27.. Are you kidding me?
I had to do the obvious thing there.
Oh well, maybe next time!
So Dr. A yesterday. . .
We talked about cutting down on my steroids, and he took me off of the anti seizure med, (that's a YAY!)
The steroid taper, here I go again, and he said that's probably whats affecting my UC, well I say a F ME on that front.
And the taper, well this will really make me tired, so I am going to have to play around with it.
OK, I want to be tired for a change, like the gamma didn't make me tired enough.
Like I've said before, I know how to have all of the fun.
I will need to have another brain MRI in about 6 weeks, so I guess I'll try and get that scheduled since he gave me the RX.
I just have to make sure the blood god is at Rolling Oaks that day, as he won't hurt me.
Never thought I'd have so much pain and swelling from blood draws. My left arm looks like a pin cushion from last Friday.

Monday, July 26, 2010

right. . . .

now, I'm not having any fun.
Yesterday, out of the blue. . .I had a flare up.
Yeah, that would be my colon talking talking to me now, saying hey, don't forget about me, I've been quiet for almost a year, it's time to wake up and have some fun. . . . or for me some pain, some bathroom time, some I'm exhausted and yeah some dehydration.
I mean, why not spread it all around?
Last year with chemo, to be specific TAXOL the drug from hell, I had a major flare up, but really that wasn't a legitimate one, so now I get a little more fun! woo hoo
The good times just never stop!
Well, I'm on my way to Dr. A, (liking that rhyme) and shall see what the word is on the brain front. Kind of funny actually, brain, butt, one end or the other. . .
That's me being funny.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

ok. . . .

swelling. . . so, I go to the Dr. and she takes some blood, although I have to say, it was questionable to me as to why.
We called the nuero, he said he isn't really in charge of my meds any more, but Dr. A is.
My primary did not want to give me any kind of diuretic, just defer to the Gamma Rad. Onc that I will see on Monday. (Dr. A.)
Limit your fluids and don't eat any salt!
Give me a break really?
Today the swelling is better, so honestly what the hell is going on??
And about the blood thing, while I'm on a slight rant. . .(Leslie, remind you of old times?)
I can't have any blood drawn, or BP on my right arm, so only on the left, now every time and mean EVERY time I have blood dawn, I am dealing with pain and swollen veins.
I put ice on my wrist went I got home yesterday, yeah love those wrist draws, it's not horrible but it is bruised, and the vein in the bend of my arm, where she started to take blood from, (notice I said started??) humungo bruise and my arm hurts.
The only person, and I mean ONLY person that can take blood and not hurt or bruise me? That awesome guy over at Rolling Oaks, but it's not a lab :(

Friday, July 23, 2010

My. . . .

ankles and feet are swollen.
What is this from?
Going to the Dr today, that is once we figured out WHO my Dr is.
Seems like no one knows??? Or wants to treat me???


how on earth does this dried phone work? talk about feeling stupid

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ummmm. . . .

it's Thursday, what a long week.
Still feeling tired, kind of strange I should have gotten past this tired thing by now, (or at least I thought I would be past this now)
Need some time off, but not like next week..Dr week, like a vacation.
What's that?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's. . . .

been a few days since my last post!
Was a long hot waterpolo weekend, though it was fun to watch and girls are nice. Met some great parents and I think this is going to be really good for Hannah.
What I am finding out is how tired I am.
They told me I'd be tired that day, the next day,(of gamma treatment), but here we are almost a week later and I am pooped! and I mean POOPED
I find myself working, but feeling like I could just go lie down and go to sleep. I haven't really experience this as yet.
I had been more pumped up because of the steroids, and now I am just tired all of the time, and it sucks.
I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything but lie down and read or sleep, but I feel guilty and feel like I really need to push myself through this and work. It's also so not like me!
Yesterday Eric said let me see your head...yeah I'm going friggin bald over my ear, and I look like a freak..great
I have one area below where the hair is good, and above the incision scar it's good, just this ugly friggin hair falling out bald spot on the side of my head.
I went through chemo, bald and I was fine, I embraced it, I shaved my head. I was good with it.
But I didn't really know this was coming and it's not a vanity thing so much, because I don't care if I'm bald, I don't need to wear scarves I have this really expensive wig, I won't even wear, in fact I've never worn it.
It's just hard to explain, it's like part of me feels like I've been through enough, and I just want my hair to grow back.
If it grows back it's like it's over, or something like that.
I've never really thought to much about the fact that I've had brain cancer, and surgery and gamma twice, I just take it in my stride and go about what I need to go about.
This just really bothers me, and I just can't stop crying today.
I wake up at night and my head hurts from where the bone is growing back, and it itches from where the nerves are growing back.
If one is trying to move on it's really hard at times when you've got all these things constantly going on in/on your head. And I'm not talking about just emotional stuff!
I mean while I'm at it, I'm fatter than I've ever been, I feel and look gross, I hate being on these steroids and need to get off of them. I know they make me CRAZY! I'm bitchy sweaty and just plain crazy.
When we are doing something I can be distracted which is great, but I've got to get off of these.
F it, I'm calling the Dr.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Today. . . .

What a long week, I am soooo tired from Wed.'s treatment.
I only woke up twice last night, and when I was up at 4:00 am I was actually able to get back to sleep and I slept until 6:00 am.
That was nice.
How I'm feeling?
Well my head is still swollen on the right side, (on forehead) from where they screwed my halo in, and so that still hurts.
I guess sleeping on it all night doesn't really help!
I was told that because the bone is still growing back and healing that this side of my head will hurt more..uh yeah.
Other than that just dandy!
So what Eric was told was that things has shrunk, and I'm doing good, but there was some little "sliver" of something and they weren't really sure about what is it, possibly some kind of by product? "sliver..like a slivered almond size of sliver?"
Ok like what is my brain, dog food? yes we use by-product in our food, I mean seriously, haven't they seen everything?
So , I go see Dr. A in two weeks, and then? I guess we just wait and see. (some more)
But I can do that, that's not a problem.
As strange as this may sound, I don't really even think about much of this.
I had a tumor, almost died, and then they took it out, I've had gamma knife, but it's not on my mind.
What's on my mind? should a get a pedicure, and I'm looking forward to the weekend, because Hannah will be playing with her college team on Sat and Sun.
I want lypo on my neck, big time, but we can't afford it. That's whats on my mind mostly!
Now that's something to think about!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

OK. . . .

I confess, I don't want to do this again tomorrow.
Can't seem to think about anything else, and honestly I'm in a really bad mood and just can't shake it off!
No one around here gets it, or me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Three. . . .

days and counting.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I. . . .

got a call just a little while ago...
Hi Judy, just calling to make sure you're ready for next Wed.
Oh yeah, don't remind me.., "yes I'm ready, and looking forward to it" I lied about the looking forward to it part.
Any changes in anything? like medication she asks..why yes I've dropped 50 lbs thanks to being off the steroids...(i think to myself)
No, no changes, everything is the same, other than the fact that I'm tired all if the time, Well that's to be expected she adds.
Ok, then , we'll have all the paperwork ready and we'll see you at 6:30 am on the 14th.
Oh Boy I say!
I can't wait for the head shot/injections- crunching -screwing thing again.
Note to self: Oh yeah and remember, don't move your legs again while your having your MRI or they will stop and think you're having a seizure and have to start all over again..
I think water polo at cow pie high in 110 degree weather will be much more fun this weekend.
I can do both!

Monday, July 5, 2010

I'm. . . .

puzzled by some of the questions I get.
Do people really want to know the answer or is it that they like to hear themselves ask the questions?
When you tell them the answer to the question they've just asked, it's like this shocked look that comes over their face.
Why the hell did you ask then? if you don't want to know, then don't ask. Right?
Along with those kinds of questions, I get just stupid things that I really want to just give a sarcastic response to but I try really hard to bite my tongue.
And some times, its REALLY hard.
Some of these questions can be answered by ones self and a little common sense. Seriously!

When I go back on the 14th I am thinking about a three Ativan morning so when he gives me the Lydocane I don't hear that crunching sound, or maybe that was when he was screwing that thing into my head.
Yeah, and I want to remember to ask him about the plate in my head, do I really have one or was he messing with me?
I think Dr. C likes to mess with me because he thinks I'm so tough. . . .

Right now, I'm looking forward to a water polo weekend, and things are looking up, for two days we are not at the stinky cow pie high school in Norco. there is a god!
I'm so easily pleased these days!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Friday. . . .

still soooo tired.
I thought they said tired the day of, little tired the next day, but then good to go.
I woke up this am, and had slept pretty good last night, but just feel wiped out.
Maybe I should just be ok with that, and not expect so much.
After all, I had like 200 laser beams pointing into my brain, right?, so who really knows how one is supposed to feel!
And yeah, I'm here to talk about it.
I need to remember this stuff!
All in all I feel pretty good, I'm still swollen on the front part of my forehead where he screwed this thing into my skull.
I'm wondering if he screws it into the same place again, next time?
Shit, I hope not!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

SO. . . .

Just got home, and I'm tired and wired. Got mega does of steroids after gamma knife.
So what we found, was another little tumor that was hiding, and we couldn't see it because of all of the swelling.
Fortunately, we zapped that guy, so that was a good thing.
The rim that was also found is tumor, so we treated 1/2 of that, and I will be going back on the 14th to treat the rest of it. The cavity has shrunk, but not enough for this to have been taken care of in one treatment.
The numbing shots were a bitch and hurt so bad. And then I could still feel him screwing this thing into my skull, so yea, that meant more shots and more pain/burning.
Once it was one it was ok.
Then this globe thing to take some measurements, then basically off in the ambulance to the MRI place. I of course was moving my legs around so we had to do a couple of the MRI's over. It figures!
Then back to Gamma Knife, and snap me in, or I should say lock me in.
And away we go.
I almost fell asleep during the thing, not like an MRI machine because no noise at all, and a little warm, made me kind of sleepy, (although that could have been from the two adivant I took as well?)
Then major does of steroids , again, and we just see how I feel tomorrow, prob tired, so I'll just lay low if need be.
One more treatment, then the next MRI will be in two months.
Gotta big fight on my hands, but I can do it!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

OK. . . .

tomorrow is the day.
I'm still a little freaked out, but overall I feel good, I just want this over with.
I want to get my MRI in the am, and see how big the cavity is, and see if the "rim" is just that, a rim. no tumor please!
Saw the Eye Dr. yesterday, he said the optic nerve is getting better, but still no glasses, man my eyes are so tired and strained. I can't wait to get some glasses, funny huh?
I just really need the relief here with the eye thing.
other than that, I just don't know what else to say, I'm just trying to not think about any of this.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Three. . . .

days and counting!
Can I pull off the Frankenstein thing or not?
It's my plan, but if I'm really freaked out once they screw this thing into my head I may not be able to do it.
I told Eric we have to take a few pics so I can put them on my facebook, for inquiring minds that want to know.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The. . . .

nurse visit at the Gamma Knife went really well yesterday.
Karen is awesome, and she explained everything and took us on a little tour.
This way I have an idea of what to expect and if I had any questions could ask and so on.
She asked, "do you have any questions?" umm yes, will I be sedated? I sound like a druggy I know, but I am a little freaked out about my stylish hat that gets screwed into my skull, I guess that's their version of a SKULL CAP. uhh right!
So yeah, back to that whole process. . .
I come in at 6:30 am, and get to have an adivant, then I meet with Dr. C my neuro surgeon, who will put some numbing cream on my head, then some kind of numbing injections, that will burn, and cause bumps on my head, then she screws this thing into my head. , on the front part of course.. . .why do they put this contraption on you ask? so so when I go into the MRI machine, it has a way of giving them markers, so they can map and measure so they know where to direct the 200 laser beams. seriously!
Ok, so the Halo is on my head..(not the cute little oh look an angel halo) but a Frankenstein monstrosity, maybe after they put it on, I'll have to get really dramatic and walk with my hands in front me and say..MMMMmmm ( a girls got o have some fun, right?)
Ok, then they put me in an ambulance, and I go up to the hospital, hey they don't want me walking through the parking lot like that, I could draw attention, and yell help, look what they are doing to me!!, so then the MRI and then the little ride back down the hill, and there I wait for them to map out the big plan.
And oh, by the way, bring a little snack. . .I could be waiting quite a while for them to get their neuro surgeon, neuro physicist and Radiation Gamma Knife heads in agreement.
Ummm yeah lets get this right please it's my brain we are messing around with here!
Then, oh yeah the best part, they pop my head into the helmet things, and you are locked in with your head kind of suspended and it's kind of like an MRI machine except only the top of the head goes in, and no noise.
So I can bring a CD or she can play something that she has. . and the best part?? this only takes 20 minutes.
Then I rest and then go home and I'll be tired, but should be good to go the next day.
Now for those of you with inquiring minds and are asking well do they get everything, what exactly happens, and so on. . .
Well, we won't really know a lot of this until:
1) We have the MRI that morning to see how big the cavity it...my hope here? it's 3.5 cm or less, that way I don't have to do this again in three months. . .so that's what I'm going with here
2) Dr.A will tell us after if the rim had tumor, and if it did, that's what he goes after first
3) We will know more about all of this after the procedure, can't guess here, so that's about it
I'm not afraid, except I'm a little freaked out like I said about this thing on my head, so other than that I'm good to go, and lets get it done already!

Monday, June 21, 2010

It's. . . .

about time! I've finally got my Gamma Knife appt set for 6-30-10 YAY!!
Wed go to meet the nice nurse, and go over what ever it is we are going to be doing.
I guess I'll ask her about the globe on my head and the drugs I'll be wanting. :P
Does that sound bad??
Human pin cushion tomorrow, but I can handle that.
Ok so here we go, and I'm feeling good and ready to get this crap out of my head once and for all.
And we will know exactly what is going on.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Monday. . . .

I should get the real date for the Gamma Knife.
It was scheduled for the 8th, but now we are moving it to the week before, so I am thinking it will be the 1st or 2nd since they only do this on Thursday and Friday.
I want to make sure they have me scheduled with the"nice " nurse too!
Blood tests on Tuesday, and then at some point I have to go in to go over what we do during the procedure.
Big Gulp, and we aren't talking about 7-11 here.
I'm just hoping they kind of put me out because I don't know how i'm going to feel with some giant metal halo screwed into my scull. . .lets see. . .ummm. . .shall we dance, it's like a humpty dumpty thing but on my head, right?
Like when Dr Evil had that giant globe on his head and he was falling all over the place from the weight of it.
Yeah, sit me down and put me out please.Then they are going to snap me into this giant old fashion hair dryer thing, again, sedatives please.
I'm not thinking this is going to be bad, and I'm not afriad, it's just more of the unknown factor, and at this point I can almost fall asleep in an MRI machine, I'm just not sure how things thing on my head will fit in one, since we have to do the MRI with it on.
I don't get that part either.Well i'll know soon enough.
And as far as the eye goes, still some eye wierdness with my right eye, so it will be interesting to see what Dr. H has to say on the 28th

Thursday, June 17, 2010

This . . . .

really pisses me off.
9:00 am I call this am for Gamma Knife appt, and the person I usually speak to is not avail, but I'm told she's busy working on scheduling, and will call me back.
3:15 no call so I figure I will call back and see if it's set up.
I get the same woman on the phone that proceeds to me that the scheduling person is not there and that she's been busy re-scheduling other patients, working on insurance problems, basically telling me that all of these other things are way more important than me and what am I anxious about.
What am I anxious about? I have some tumor in my head and I would like to get this going, and she tells me well you had surgery, and we have to let the area shrink I say, I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I don't care about all this other crap she just told me, I want to know when I am having this done so I can move forward.
What a bitch, then I ask her who she is and she tells me I'm one of the nurses!
Are you kidding me, if she's one of the nurses than I certainly don't want her nursing me because what a cold fish.
Right now, with this, yeah it's all about me and what is going to make me feel better? having a date set for this procedure.
I told her Dr. A told me to call today and get the date, and she says, "well the Dr's always want things done on their schedule and it just doesn't work that way" this lady should not be on the phone, and if she is she should be sympathetic and kind, say something like this, "I know this is a difficult time, and we are working on it. so and so is gone for the day but feel free to call her tomorrow if she hasn't called you first", "everything is going to be ok!, anything else I can help you with right now?"
Umm, that's what I would have said, not more of this, well so and so has been here since early this am doing this, we've had to move patients around and we only do Gamma on Thurs and Fri.
I wonder if Dr. A would like to know this, but then am I starting a war here?
Do I say something?
Am I crazy?
Yeah I'm a little hyped on steroids as my dose increased, but I don't know,
I don't think I'm too out of line here!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Where. . . .

do I start?
eye is getting better, I can tell because I don't feel the pressure all the time I still have moments of things not being clear, but nothing like when I first got home.
Oh yeah and lucky me, I get to up the flippin steroids to 4mg 2x a day for the next 2 weeks, blimp city here I come again, and that means bitch city too, because I don't do well emotionally, I cry more and and grumpy and get a little hyper. Thanks Dr. A
Speaking of Dr. A., I got the full results from him just a little bit ago, and well I'm kind of sitting here in a little shock. Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but what is dramatic with cancer ?
I think, ok Dr.C goes in with his big ice cream scooper and scoops it all out and they say, "he got it all". . . . So we are just waiting for the cavity to shrink and we need to do Gamma Knife on the cavity and just keep things in check. I feel relieved. almost Happy, but to be honest not completely happy because in the very very back of my mind I still feel like something is there. and it's not a wish but a feeling, and the thing I hate about myself, yes hate is that I am always right with this "little feeling" thing I have. I've had it all of my life and it never fails me, I mean NEVER.
So with that, Dr. A says well , "results overall are good!" overall are good ring through my head as he said that. . .overall are good. My cavity has shrunk to about 5.3 cm, was at about 6cm, however on the resection cavity (the whole in my brain where the tumor was) ...results overall are good still playing in my head... there would appear to be a rim around the cavity and we are not sure if one part of that rim is tumor. Wait didn't he say "Results over all are good", what the f does that mean?. . .As I push him he said well if I have to guess I would say that one little part of the rim could be tumor, and we can get that easily with gamma knife, we just may have to go back in 3 months to radiate the rest of the cavity.
We were tyring to avoid that, as to avoid brain swelling.
See I think this is really great news because we can get that, and then it will be gone and then we go back for the cavity radiation part, I just didn't want to have any of this crap in my head anymore, I wanted it out, and i just wanted to get on with the rest of it and be done for a while.
Part of me feels sad, but I guess I just have to suck it up because the big picture is good, and that is truly what I feel in my heart of hearts, I feel like we will get it, and then we can go forward, just a little hiccup and I am so strong and will and can fight this, i just wanted a bit of a break.
I'll have it, just not in the timeline I was thinking.
So gamma knife in two weeks, and just need to get the date . . probably tomorrow I am guessing we will have that set and then we will go forward from there.
Ok, I think I'm going to wax my upper lip now

Monday, June 14, 2010

Yeah. . . .

it's great news.
Brain MRI back and no thing growing where it shouldn't be. Mid line shift gone (my brain shifted 9 cm) , and back to normal, swelling gone down a bit and the cavity is shrinking.
So Dr. A gone until Wed., I can wait to talk to him about when I will have Gamma Knife. I'm thinking next week or week after the latest, but at least I will have it and nothing has grown back!
Now I just have to deal with this friggin sinus infection. . . where did this come from? I've couching green all weekend, and I can feel it going down the back of my throat. YUCK
I can totally handle this though, this is nothing compared to what I've been though, lets say it's a slippery walk in the park.
Tomorrow I should start to feel better. . . . and by Wed. even better . . . . YIPEEE
Hannah left for her 4 day grad cruise, I know she will have a great time ! ! ! !
If anyone wants to know about Gamma Knife, here's the link:

Saturday, June 12, 2010

So. . . .

ok..my head is kind of weird now, and not exactly flat (if you will) on the side where he took my skull out, and then put back. .
Not smooth,
And I'm not talking about the healing area so much. .where the zipper was. . .
But below the "zipper line" is a little inset.
Do I grow that part of my hair longer , like when you are trying to even out a cake but add extra frosting to make it level?
Speaking of level, why don't they put one on your head and make sure it is?
They have those really cool ones with little laser beams.
Maybe I should get one for dr.Chan although I'm not sure if he will think it's funny, and might just give that I'm a neuro surgeon stare and not not speak.

Talk. . . .

about weird!
I go for my MRI yesterday, and the Dr. says it's so great to see you see you, last time I saw you was when you were on a gurney and you weren't feeling too good. I told her, I don't even remember you! (we've met before?)
Wow. . .MRI went good and it was really fast...no movies but hey, it was over in a snap and she got my contrast in without a problem and look ma, no bruise!
Maybe I'll get the results today? wishful thinking, it is a Sat. but hey. . .maybe Dr. Ahn will find out . . .
Stupid stuff: I am just wondering why I had talked to someone before this all happened and now it's like I've got the plague. It's really strange and I don't get it. I see them on FB and I've just kinda been waiting and . . .nothing. It's not like we were great friends, but maybe what seemed friendly was really based on something else and I misunderstood. I'm guessing that's it, and it's fine, but I noticed it and Eric did. . .oh well totally fine. . .I'm over it.
It's Saturday and I'm here!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ummm. . .

A bit of a whirlwind these last couple of days.
Scans all clear..Thank God. I felt in my heart of hearts they would be. It's the brain thing that really has me freaked out because it grew so fast...(6 cm in 5 months)
Kind of all I can think about right now.
I am having a brain MRI tomorrow at 6pm to see whats going on.
How much the cavity has shrunk, and if there is anything else that we didn't see before because of the swelling, and if anything grew back.
Dr. Chan wants wait about 1 month before gamma for swelling and cavity to get smaller. Dr Miller and Kaul want it now because it's aggressive.
If the cavity is too big, then I'll have to do this twice, and then that can cause a little more swelling, which Dr. Chan does not want me to have to go through.
The best case scenario? the cavity has gotten smaller, and there is no tumor starting to grow.
Then Dr. Ahn, can wait a couple more weeks, and then we will only have to do this once. (at this this time)
that is what I want and that is what I have to think positive about. Nothing growing in there, and the cavity is getting smaller. they can estimate how long this will take to get to about 2cm, which is the best size.
Ok, I'm down with that.
I'm trying so hard to think positive, and not worry, but to be honest. . .it's a little hard. I am trying to muster up all the positive energy and thoughts that I can and go with that.
this is what i want and this is whats going to happen, and I am going to get this shit out of my head once and for all.
My ear is getting better, and doesn't feel too much like it's full of fluid, and today my eye is a tiny bit better, but I just have to let that worry about my go, as this is going to take time.
Hannah's Graduating in a couple of hours, I can't believe it's here.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

well. . . .

it's Tuesday.
Didn't sleep too good last night. tonight I will take an ambien so I can sleep, I feel a little out of it today.
Yesterday I had my full body scan, and Cris is amazing, he got that injection in without any pain what so ever. I told him If I need any more IV's I want him doing it! Wonder if he travels to the gamma knife???
Will get the results tomorrow from Dr. Kaul, I am really feeling quite positive about that. I really haven't had any fear there.
Dr. Miller got the MRI spine scan today, so I am hoping soon for those results, for some reason I'm a little fearful there, but I think that really has to do with the fact that I had this whole brain thing, and neck thing, and well your spine is connected to that. isn't it?? in my heart of hearts, I feel it will be clear as well. I just want to get this appt set.
then I see Dr. Ahn on Thursday so we can discuss the gamma knife. he left a message saying that we will prob wait about a month for the cavity to shrink. I will go with whatever they all decide, not like I can really say what I want, because honestly, i have no idea hear. hey that's why they get paid the big bucks. Literally!
My hope regarding myself for the week, all test back, and a plan to go forward with. Waiting is really hard, but I guess part of the lesson here.
Hannah's Sr. awards tomorrow night, I am so excited for her, and then Graduation on Thursday. I can't believe it's here, and I am so glad I was a jr/sr parent cuz those get into grad early tickets will be so nice!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

So. . . .

yesterday. Hmmmmm where do I start?

Lets start with MRI. All was fine I was actually just fine lying there with the fan blowing, even though the noise is a little much, it really didn't bother me until the last one, that was was a little intense, if I had hair, it would have been blowing just from the force of the noise itself. Seriously.
Then came the contrast part. Needless to say i couldn't finish the test. Can't use my right arm, and my left arm is shot, thanks to low fluids, swollen arm, bad bruises and so much pain. Poor Katie she tried in my arm, twice in my hand and it was o painful I couldn't take it. Mu calm mood turned to complete upset and I just wanted to go home and go to bed.
I am hoping we don;t have to do this again, or if we do at least give my arm some time to heal because I can't do this again, and I am hoping the injection tomorrow will not be a problem.
Ah tomorrow, the Scan. The Scan that will show that I am cancer free and I am good with that for now.
It's hard to talk about about I feel physically, because it changes so much. what I hate the most? not being able to just drink what I want, and it's so friggin hot I just don;t want to think about it today. I may have Eric all Dr. chan and find out if we can make an exception today. I got so overheated yesterday, and it's kind of like all I can think about.
Strange, I have brain surgery and all I can think about is how much I can have to drink.
Ok that's just me being me, so nothing new there. Guess that's a good thing.
Hannah's party? wonderful, I am so happy we did this for her. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends, and I am so overwhelmed by this.
Hannah's friends are something, and I am so happy to see the people that love her and care. does that sound funny?
And the Food? ummm YUM, Taco cart...great idea. The Cakes...big yumm, there is a little in the fridge and I am going to have like the smallest pc...no sugar today...wait, right, OK I will have it tomorrow. . . worth the wait.
So get back to cleaning up, and then some thank you notes...at least from me. Hannah's got to get those done before her trip.
After all, it was fun doing those envelopes, so she better use the darn things.

Friday, June 4, 2010

A. . . .

little confusing now, gamma no gamma. Sheesh!
So no more pretty staples, Dr. Chan took them out, and I'm glad they are gone.
Still have to limit my fluids to 1 1/2 qts max a day to help keep swelling down.
I called Dr. Hymas this morning to thank him, and I tried not to loose it, but seriously, how do you thank the person that really saved your life??
I mean he4 really did, he saved my life.
How do I go forward and find the way to do something to repay him for this? I don't mean in a monetary way, but how do I put this back into the universe?
I will have the chance I need to find the way and what it is, It will come to me.
No scarf at home, I take things so literally. Keep something on your head, uh ok, 24-7. . .well no, out in public if it bothers me. At home no, it will be nice to not sleep without something on my head, that probably sounds strange, but I guess I'm a little sensitive in general about my head, how it feels, doesn't feel. . .
Sudafed tomorrow, . . . .I'm moving through the "s's" sleeping pill last night, sudafed tomorrow so maybe some of this ear fullness, popping kind of feeling will move on...little things that make me happy.
Hey 2 MRI's instead of 3 tomorrow, then Hannah's party. I hope she has a great time and I hope everyone likes the taco cart. I'm excited.

wow. . . .

I slept last night, thanks to lunestra, and cutting down those steroids.
OK, info from Radiation Onc. dr. a little much yesterday. I guess it's a combo of tired/wired, TMI and trying to digest everything.
So my plan right now?
Gonna call James, James James the man who can, he can do anything he can get you that scan. Poor attempt at a rap!! guess I need to add that he's a bad and that I'm a poor attempt for a rapper. Maybe a poet! ha ha
speaking I guess just about me, since hey, it is all about me right? I see the neuro today and see if he's removing some staples. I thought a little soon, but Dr. Miller said they may come out. shit, I hope that doesn't hurt!
Then tomorrow I'm having an MRI of neck and spine and that area. We do this to make sure nothing lurking around there, and I believe I will be clear. I know i will be, way too much trouble to cause around here!! Ask my friends!
Ok, so the cleaning goes on, wow, what does a girl gotta do to get her house cleaned, wait does that sound like I'm saying something else? No wait it's the brain surgery.
Leslie, Where is your half of my brain please??
Wow ok James is the man, got my Scan going for Monday, time to light me up woo hoo.
Hannah safe and sound from grad night, no major drama, for a change!
and for now, I think this is good. . . .

Thursday, June 3, 2010

ok, , , ,

so lets get this show on the raod right?? My man maid is a shampooing fool! the carpet that is.
Radiation Dr. today, need to schedule a body scan too, and neuro tomorrow...woo hoo...best part??
Hannah's party on Sat.
So some COMFY slippers, makes me feel like I'm walking on clouds and Donna's soup, ok it's pretty goo
Eric and I are going to the party store, need a few things and it feels good to feel like things are somewhat normal.
The only thing bugging me? I don't really think about someone had like opened my head, but I think about stupid things like, can I sleep lying down instead of trying to sit up at all night, so guess what? I can't sleep. I know this much, I am getting something today to sleep, I'm on 75 mg of steroids...hey me an Arnold right??
Hannah has grad night tonight, I know she will have a blast. She is stress this am about her ap calc test, but you know, she will do the best she can do.
And even more exciting news?/ Her housing info came today for College, OMG here we go I am so excited this is going to be AMAZING!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I. . . .

am so hungry! figures...ok can't wait for some lunch. Hey this is exciting news....
Yeah, so I guess had we gone ahead with head mri this am I would have bought the machine. that or it would have pulled the stapes out of my head. May not have felt too good.
OK, Hannah's party on sat...yay I can't wait the taco cart lady just called and confirmed, and I am so excited, plus I have a man maid...Eric only he won;t wear one of those little uniforms! damn it all.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

what. . . .

a whirlwind...Brain surgery on Friday, had been feeling bad for about 4 weeks, pain in my neck using ice and heat, pain pills muscle relaxers, I think my family thought i was crazy. They come to find out that I had a 5.5 cm mass growing in my head. They felt horrible, I feel horrible, I love them so much, I can't even put into words how i feel. What would I do without my Baby and my Bubba.???
I don't even remember Friday night. Apparently I had an mri of my brain, and came out throwing up, I told Eric he was crazy, he said he sat and held my hand through it. I don't remember. I have been really lucky, I've felt no real pain, no numbness, no tingling... Just some weird eye stuff going on, but that's to be expected as I have brain swelling...hello, just had brain surgery.
OK the nurses at Los Robles were nothing short of amazing.
Got the whole dr thing going on now, the rest of the week. . . .
Best thing right now?? Hannies party on Sat, she is excited, I am so glad. I didn't want anything to spoil this for her. and Graduation on the 10th, I can't believe it.
Jimmy and Debbie, I can't even thank you enough. I love you both.
Leslie, Mommy in charge, you have come to my rescue again, you are an angel, I love you.
Diana and Lisa, thank you I love you. I feel surrounded by love and healing light and prayer.
My girls, thank you for the text's and the visits in the hospital

Thursday, May 27, 2010


up since 3 am, throwing up.
Pain is worse than any of the chemo stuff, I cannot stand this, can't eat anything, nothing tastes good, Eric keep trying to feed me because of all of the pills, can't eat smells bad, tastes bad I am so sick of this, I can't sleep....wine wine wine. This is horrible.
am going to pain dr today hope something Can be done here :(

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Drs....so all of them get this MRI report and no one reads it....
So frustrating. I go tomorrow to get another mri of my neck...c-spine, then I am going to pain Dr. so they can find some gigantic needle to shove into my neck right? All I care about at this point is having no more pain..PLEASE. I know why people become addicts. If I wasn't allergic to vicodine I'd of been having some fun for sure. so strange that since chemo I can't take it anymore. wonder why?
OK, is what it is! So MRI tomorrow night, pain dr on Thursday am, then eye dr on Friday am. I really want to know if this nerve thing is affecting my eye, if not hat is causing all of this pain, and pressure, and fullness feeling?? I'm sick of the flashing light thing too.
Ok, I got through cancer I'm gonna get through this.
I've got to get my head around this, I can do it and get to feeling a little better. Pain is an amazing thing. I am so wrapped up in myself and how I feel, it's all consuming. I keep apologizing to Eric and Hannah, shit, they've been through enough already.
Ok, I missed a trip last year, and it's not happening again. I am going on this little Mexico cruise with Lisa and the girls on june 14, I will be feeling much better soon, and then I can start WALKING...the little things we take for granted, and what seems so important, when you aren't able to do it. really means the most. So, stay positive, and hoping Kelly will send me positive energy...I really need it now.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I. . . .

have felt so crappy for about two weeks, today is the first day I don't have a migraine, and as soon as I woke up I put heat on my neck, and then ice, and I am not turning my head, but instead my body, and now it doesn't hurt. I feel like going to the chiro made everything worse.
I have not taken a muscle relaxer today, just some tylenol. Will see what neuro says on Thursday.
I'm not very good at this mother thing, the stress from the constant arguing is so upsetting.
If someone else tells me "she's just separating, I think I will scream" the truth of the matter is, this is how she is, and she doesn't want me in her life and messing things up or asking questions.
I'm just do disappointed with everything. Trying not to feel sorry for myself, I just felt like after coming through everything I've been though, I'd be at a different place at this point. I'm having a hard time figuring all of this out.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

so. . . .

Today, when I stood up (on two different occasions) I did not get a wobbly knee thing bu did get the neck pain, so I sat down and just kept doing the stretches and kind of leaned into the pain.
No headache today, so that's a good thing. I will see how phys therapy goes today. Went last night, and my muscles are are so tight and out of place, and lots of inflammation. will see by next week if any better. . .
Yesterday was bubba's birthday, and we went to dinner, when we got there, I thought I was going to go down in the parking lot. I didn't want to spoil his birthday, so I ended up having two glasses of wine, yes I took muscle relaxers yesterday. I felt kind of good actually and I slept. Only woke up at 3am, but could get back to sleep. Unlike night before. See what happens tonight. have Phy ther. at 4pm.
Waiting for this damn dress to arrive, so Hannah can go get it hemmed. (hopefully she can get it done, or she'll be screed, cuz I don't sew)....
see what happens. . .

so. . . .

Today, when I stood up (on two different occasions) I did not get a wobbly knee thing bu did get the neck pain, so I sat down and just kept doing the stretches and kind of leaned into the pain.
No headache today, so that's a good thing. I will see how phys therapy goes today. Went last night, and my muscles are are so tight and out of place, and lots of inflammation. will see by next week if any better. . .
Yesterday was bubba's birthday, and we went to dinner, when we got there, I thought I was going to go down in the parking lot. I didn't want to spoil his birthday, so I ended up having two glasses of wine, yes I took muscle relaxers yesterday. I felt kind of good actually and I slept. Only woke up at 3am, but could get back to sleep. Unlike night before. See what happens tonight. have Phy ther. at 4pm.
Waiting for this damn dress to arrive, so Hannah can go get it hemmed. (hopefully she can get it done, or she'll be screed, cuz I don't sew)....
see what happens. . .

Saturday. . . .

night. Eric and I decide to go to Los Toros, thinking about those purple Cadillac's...Ok, lets go take a drive should be too crowed if we get there around 5, and even so, we can wait..
We get there get out of the car, and this tightness starts in my neck,and I didn't say anything, we walk in and my knees start rocking and I lean up against the wall, he says whats that?, I said that is what is happening to me, do you feel it? Yup, I was actually relieved because he could feel my body jerking just by my holding on to his arm to keep me up. Needless to say we left :( got out to the car and once we got to the freeway I felt better, and thankfully no migraine this time.
He said, ok I'm not a Dr. (no kidding), but I think this is neurological. I said it's like an electrical thing, so I'm calling one of the recommended ones I got from Dr. last week. Not going to ignore it now. WTF is wrong?
I feel like having a giant pity party right now.
I'm kind of pissed, Hannah is still sleeping, I'm doing laundry cleaning some windows. I need to go to the market. Wishing she was up and offering to help. would be nice. I have to just except that I don't feel good and I'm super crabby, . It is what it is. Good thing Eric is working today I guess..I mean I wish he didn't have to, but at least he won't be around my crabby self.

I. . . .

have so many new tricks. It's ever changing! Yesterday I fed the dogs, and started to feel wobbly, I walked into the office grabbed a hold of the chair because I started swaying back and forth and bam, down I went. I'm so glad I had a hold of the chair , who knows what i would have taken out. After, I had the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life.
Eric wanted to take me to the ER. Last time i had that much pain, I had kidney stones.
So I popped a vicodin, even though I've developed a reaction to them now since chemo, I itch all over. We felt like better to see if it helps and I can take a benedryl for the itching. I tried an ice pack on my head and neck, tried to make the bedroom as dark as we could, then I started throwing up.
I know how to have fun. this is no pinched nerve.
Guess I'll be calling to make an appt with a friggin nero now.
We've been trying to find symptoms on the Internet to see if we can figure out any of this, but nothing matches..
today, I feel a little better, my head still hurts a bit but nothing like last night.
I am so frustrated and now feel like I can't go drive my self to market because what if I try to go shopping and this happens again??
I'm not having fun at this point.


think I can kind of describe whats going on. I walked into the other room, and stopped for a second, and I got this wobbly knees thing, started swaying a little and this neck pressure in the back of my neck.
I went and sat down and it went away.
My tumor markers test came back all is good.
is this other thing a result of chemo? I feel really frustrated and I don't understand.
This happened twice to me last night, and then again just now.
I'm afraid to leave the house, I'm going to become a shut in or something. I'm going to try and look this up again on the Internet and see if I can find anything.
I'm see a chiro, but I don't feel like my new trick has anything to do with my neck being out of whack.
Whats really stupid here, is I go to the Dr. the other day and see the NP, she says hmmm, go see a neurologist, and here's some muscle relaxers. Stupid people.

OK. . . .

I am going to see primary care Dr. at 2:00.
she wants to check blood pressure, I'm going to see about getting something for migraine and to sleep. I feel like crap today.
I'm working but my neck is hurting.
On to better things, really excited about Hannah's grad party and the taco cart thing! sounds yummy. will make sangria too, ok I need to try this out and make sure it's good. wine and rum weird combo, but looks pretty, and hey if the food is bad the sangria will do the trick! haha..

Monday, May 3, 2010


I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here. Like an old friend that I've forgotton. I realize how much I miss writing my thoughts and feelings and really how much better I feel when I do.
so many strange things going on now. And I just don't understand what is happening to my body. I stand up and feel like this tightness moving from the back of my neck down through my shoulders and I feel my knees kind of give way and my head starts to pound and I almost go down. it's been going on for a few weeks.
I still have vertigo and now this eye flashing thing at night.
I saw Dr. K last week for tumor markers and she ran some other tests. Said well you need to get your eyes examined and get a colonoscopy. what the hell does my colon have to do with my head and neck? I could think of something really comical to write here, but I will keep my thoughts to myself. she says well with breast cancer you want to get that colonoscopy, because you are more prone to colon cancer. Friggin lovely I say.
We did an MRI in November and all was clear, so whats next?
I go and see the chiro, my neck is way out of whack, but after I left today this "thing" happened twice. The migraine I had yesterday would kill a horse. I have no drugs and since I'm now reacting to Vicodin I can't even pop a bunch of those and just go to lala land.
what I will say? I'm so sick of being sick and not feeling good.
Hannah thinks I'm crazy, I just don't want to be one of those people that always doesn't feel good, like I'm trying to get attention or something. F me. I feel like crying.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Well. . . .

it's March 2010, and almost one year after my diagnoses/start of this huge battle.
Battle, doesn't even quite say it.
I feel almost like I need to go back and read everything I've written here because it's like I'm in a kind of fog.
Like it all happened, but it seems like a dream of sorts. A bad dream, but the only way I can really explain it is like a detached feeling in a way.
I know it happened, I know I went through all of this, I have the physical scars on my body, and the soreness that still remains in my bones and my muscles.
I'm still tired, although not like before.
It's all just kind of weird and surreal.
I still have to get this port taken out, we just can't afford to do it right now.
I'm going to check with the radiologist that put it in and see if she's cheaper than my surgeon.
And if not, then I'll just have to wait I guess. . . .

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Great. . . .

I got my test results back (tumor markers)
I am cancer free!
Now it just has to sink in. . . .when I have this port taken out it will be real.
Seeing the surgeon on Monday, yay Dr. Brooks, get it OUT!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Its. . . .

funny, well not really.
I didn't think I would be freaking out about Friday's test.
I didn't think I would be thinking about it at all, but I am.
I guess that's normal, and maybe after I have been"cleared" for a while and I go through these tests, they will become just a part of life and I won't worry.
Maybe I will?
I am really anxious about Friday though, and I don't want to tell everyone if I seem a little on edge it's because I am quietly freaking out about finding out if my cancer is all gone.
I mean I don't want it to be so on the forefront of everything, but I can't help it, it is.
I feel 2 ways.
1) like it's gone, I'm in the clear, all is good
2) it's not gone and I have gone through hell for the last 10 months and I have to do it or some part of it all over again
Bottom line, I'm really scared.
Then I have to deal with some bullshit over the water polo book I make for the girls. . . .don't have the energy or patience for that....once this banquet is over then we are done completely.
I am so sick of it!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Ok. . . .

so this may be considered as TMI, but honestly. . . .
I shaved my legs for the first time today in about 8 months.
May sound really bad, but under my circumstances, it was actually a welcomed thing.
Yeah, hair growing on my leg just in the middle on my calf, a little strange, but hair non the less.
Guess I better go buy some new razor blades now =)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Two. . . .

more weeks to go!!!
Then the all clear.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

So. . . . .

what's new? hmmmmm
I am extremely tired today, I thought by now my energy level would start getting better. Today it's really awful.
I think I need to go get a b-12 shot and that might help a bit! As a matter of fact, I'm going to make that call right now and go get one!
the rest of the stuff. . . . .
Well, two more high school water polo games to go! thank god, this has been the longest and worst season yet. Our poor excuse of a high school coach will most definately not be missed. What a joke!
Hannah will be club swimming and playing club ball, and our hope is her spirit hasn't been broken and she can regain some of her confidence that has been stripped away. It's been a less than positive experience for her and the other girls. They hate him, and that's such a same that he has been allowed to run our program into the ground, and NO ONE does a thing about it.
Ahhh....moving on, one more week and good-bye!
Last night was our last Pasta Dinner, that was bittersweet. I feel like I have been so blessed to be able to get to know these girls over the last four years, good and bad, I have so enjoyed that part and will be what I miss the most. They are so much fun!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Wow. . . .

the nerve of some people. Showing up at our game yesterday and walking around hugging everyone. Are you kidding me? Did you pay back the money you stole from us? Give me a break! Stupid Bitch. . .

On a happy note, I will find out at the end of the month if I am cancer free....just need to do to tumor markers. I am so excited!!
The outcome will be great and I can move on and get this thing taken out of my chest.
Hope the month goes fast!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tomorrow. . . .

I get to go see my oncologist for my 1st follow up after radiation.
Sounds good...after radiation. . .
Not sure what the plan is now, but I am hopeful that she will tell me how this works from this point.
I can't wait until my skin starts to feel somewhat normal, I can deal with the strange color and all of that but the crispy, crunchy thing is REALLY weird!
I still can't wear a bra. . .TMI?
Hey, after everything I have posted here, that's nothing.
Ok, right now I am trying to stay away from Eric...Yup he has the stomach flu...1st Hannah had it, now him.
I attempted to sleep on the couch last night, me and two dogs. Notice I say attempted, they kept me up all night. I kept kicking them off, they kept getting back on. One was on my head at one point. really pissed me off.

Monday, January 25, 2010

One. . . .

more day of radiation left.
I am soooooo tired today.
Hannah woke me up sometime in the middle of the night, she had been throwing up for a couple of hours.. . . . She has the FLU
Need to stay far, far away as I still have a very weekend immune system.
We both had flu shots, just not the H1N1 one. CRAP, hope it's not that one.
Ok, so back to radiation, tomorrow is the last day and then I need to go back in a month so someone can check my skin.
I think a spa day should be included after you have undergone this, and the Dr. should pay for it, because god knows we can't!
I made an appt with my oncologist, and will see her this Friday, then I am hoping to know if this is actually gone. No can tell me for sure, other than well you will have a mammo in April and we will monitor you very closely for two years. . . .
I can't take any of the oral chemo drugs that most take after chemo because my Estrogen receptors are negative....that means it won't work for me, hence one of the reasons this has a high recurrence rate. Oh yeah, I remember that. . . .
so we shall see on Friday.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Three. . . .

more radiation days left...Can it be???
I don't want to get too excited until I speak to Dr. Miller on Monday, but things are looking up as far as that goes.
Now I just have to get through the burning crispy critter skin.
To add to my "joy of the rain", seems our roof is leaking, right on to our dining table.
I have a lovely trash bag table cloth now covering it.
Martha would be so proud. . .
In my spare time I am thinking about stenciling it, as it seems it will be raining next week too.
Might as well look good!
Oh yeah, and I forgot the mushrooms for the mushroom, barley, bean and beef soup.
Chemo brain.
It's amazing how horrible my memory is! It's like bliss!
Now what was I saying. . . . hmmm. . . . .

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I. . . .

hear if you eat Lemon Cupcakes the burn isn't as bad!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Crispy. . . .

Yeah and I'm not talking about fried chicken!
My skin is so bad, that it keeps waking me up at night whenever I roll over on it.
Hard to believe, but so painful!
My underarm looks worse than a bad sunburn, it's crispy in one area and bright red in another. It's like that under my breast too, so forget about wearing a bra, but wait..I wore one on Saturday and yeah, it's worse now. Never mind my neck and oh hey, what about my breast? Don't want to go there...OUCH. .
So I'm crabby because I hurt, and because I am not getting a restful nights sleep and I'm stressed.
I know some of this is hormonal too, because I'm crying again.
And if I wanted to live in the frigging rain I'd of moved to Oregon.
I hate this weather.
I'm on the phone yesterday, trying to drum up some business, and the dogs start barking. I quiet them down, then like around 1:00 I look out on the deck and the patio umbrella is gone!
Ok, it flippin flew away! Oh yeah, and it took out the patio table glass while escaping.
Glass everywhere, pouring rain, and no patio umbrella.
These things are big, where the hell did it go?
Over into the neighbors yard or over the wall onto the street behind us?
Oh wait, it took flight and landed on the side of our house. I am not kidding.
So I call Eric, ummm Huston, we have a problem. . . . .
I get a broom do my best to sweep it in one pile, get the doggy gate thing, and block off the area, because our dogs, being terrier's, want to know what's going on, and have to inspect everything, so I am hoping I got all of the glass of the deck.
I need a vacation or a lobster dinner or something like that!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

So. . . .

much on my mind. It's all jumbled around in my head!
7 days of RADIATION left...that's the good news.
Then what? I have no idea. I haven't heard from my oncologist, so I don't really know what happens from here. Kinda strange, but we will see. . .
One thing that is REALLY bugging me, well actually a few things are.
But yeah back to this. . . I've decided to resign from the Aquatics board. I feel great about my decision, and actually like I've been set free.
At the last meeting someone said something to me in front of everyone, (and it wasn't just a a simple question, more like a statement questioning who I am as a person) and well I just can't get past it. So time for me to go.
As for the other stuff all jumbled around in my "head", well I can't control any of it, and I don't know what to do about it, so I guess we just wait and see.
I do know that I have to try to keep my stress level down, and so that's what I am trying to do, but it's hard when Eric is completely stressed out. I am really worried about him.
I never thought trying to get your kid to college would be so hard, I wish I had a secret bank account and could just pull like $20,000 out of it and say here, this will probably take care of the 1st two years along with everything else.
Breathe for a little bit, and then we can figure the other stuff out later on.
She's done her part, and kept up her end of the bargain, now we have to.
Honestly, it's all I can think about right now. It's all consuming!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ok. . . .

so radiation is so much fun!
I have this lovely red burnt hickey like thing on my neck right? I find out that if I had been turning my head to the left this might not have happened. That's right, has to do with a crease and where it goes and all of that stuff.
So this burn area it kind of hurts and I cannot scratch it or the skin will break and well, yeah, not fun! I am using aloe and some disgusting cream that is like some kind of thick Vaseline like substance. Honestly who invents this?
The other thing here is what it's done to my breast, mostly my nipple. Yup, enough said? OUCH, and OUCH. won't go into details, but it's not fun AT ALL.
So on Monday, I had a new outline drawn on me for the 2nd phase of the radiation, and hello Dr. if I told you my breast hurts than why are you pressing on it with that damn sharpie?
then they take some pictures, and what ever else they do with some weird camera like thing.
My new phase lasts 7 days, starting next Monday and they only radiate the area where the tumor was, so hopefully my neck and pit can start to heal!
Then, yes that will be it.
At last as far as I know that will be it...so we will see.