Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sat. . . .

means some venting. So read it or not.
I hate, yes I said the hate word, people that pretend to be interested in your well being.
You know the ones, that never call or email, and in some cases you you wish they wouldn't, but all of a sudden here they come creeping back in, because they are now in some kind of setting where they are reminded about you, and well, maybe just a tinge of guilt creeps up...oh wow, how's your Mom ? Bad enough they tell you the last time they see you, how much they care about you and they are crying, they are so upset...they want to do anything to help you, just ask them..... Please!! Wow, what if I did? What if I really needed something? I'd be up the creek without a paddle. Good thing I didn't count on this person, because they just disappeared.
And the funny thing is, I never believed them to begin with. Honestly, I have no ill will. I've been so uninvolved with this person for several months, that I've just kind of forgotten the original disappointment I felt when the phone never rang and the email's/texts never came...ah,,,, because I had an expectation! I am learning all of the time.
Don't say something you don't mean! Don't we teach this to our children??
I have forgiven and am moving on, I don't have time for bad feelings or hurt feelings, because I have to get through my next phase...Light Me Up Radiation
Yes....round three shall be called "Light Me Up" can hardly wait!
I am looking forward to at least a 2 week week break here, I am feeling a little greedy and hoping for 3.... dare I be so selfish?
Well, in keeping with the usual Sat. UC has been here most of the day, still can't feel my fingers and toes...BUT...or should I say BUTT
if all goes well, I am planning on cutting down on my prednisone to 30 mg tomorrow. Yup all by myself.
hey at least Chemo is officially over, good bye Tuesdays at Dr. K's office!
I will drive Hannah out to ODP in Claremont tomorrow...stay there all day, me and my imodium and lomitil and maybe I won't even need it. I'm thinking I'll nap in the car, go to Barnes and Noble and then maybe the hours will pass quickly...because I am not sitting and watching practice, or driving home and then driving back.
Oh yeah, good times! :)
But really, They are!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ugh. . . . .

why do I hate Thursdays?
I feel like I've been run over by a train, I'm thinking it's just because I've had so much stuff pumped into my body, and by the time you've had the last one, your toxic levels must be so far up there, and EVERYTHING in your body is just wiped out, so therefore I am too.
Make sense?
I slept last night, with the aide of a 3mg lunesta. Finally sleep. I woke up to Hannah shrieking, I knew she got her SAT and was pleased...Yeah she was pleased, we are all really really more than pleased, and she won't be taking it in Check SpellingNov. We are done with that.
Everything is falling into place now, and in a couple of weeks, we will have made some decisions and then she will be set. I don't like to talk about it until it's all put to bed so to speak. I hate bragging and talking about my kid all the time, I just prefer to keep things on the quieter side, with a little more humility, maybe share with those that really care or want to know.
But it's been rough. Me being so sick, so much stress for her with SAT, with classes, with college, with water polo all of it...with stress level so high over here I am so relieved to have a welcomed break, and this is more than a welcomed break. I feel for the first time in a long time like things will turn the corner and 2010 will be a great year for all of us.
Maybe part of the lesson, has been to try to keep focused no matter how difficult, and although I've been hard on her, that's kind of been my mantra through this thus far. That no matter what, we have to stick to the task at hand, and you can't loose site of what is most important, and what you want. I told her that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to and I believe that with my whole heart. So we shall see.
So . . .with that I'm going to think positively about the chicken recipe that Kristen gave me and i am going to try to put that in the over around 2 and we shall guarantee's...Martha ain't over her...that is FOR SURE!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Can. . .

you say Hot Apple Pie and Banana bread??
yes, so this Banana bread shows up AGAIN, Thank you Debbie and Jimmy!
and then last night, A text from Myrtle...check your front porch...
A hot Apple Pie, not a store bought hot apple pie, but one that she got from her friend that just baked it!
I was going to bed, and just happened to check my phone and this message at 7 said this... (check your front porch...HA!)
guess what I had for dinner? yes dinner...a little slice of Hot Apple Pie
and yes, more than half of the Banana bread is gone, and half of the pie is gone...I'm so glad Hannah said no sweets until after Thanksgiving.
Funny stuff.
See what happens after Toxic apple pie
Means more to me than you know...(not the food) the Thoughts!!
Thank you!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Toxic Tuesday. . . .

so today was my last. . . . .
Now the break, a few tests and radiation will start. The next phase after a long 28 weeks. . .phew
I look back , at what I can briefly remember here, and what most comes to mind is all of the pain and problems from round II, Taxol.
I remember the 1st 12 weeks of chemo with the A/C, and i wanted to do was keep the nausea away, and with the regimen I was on, I was so lucky and positive and able to that.
At week sic of Taxol, as I talked my Onc Dr today I told her I was ready to give up. And now at then of this, the last week so to speak, I am left feeling completely broken and wiped out. I feel like a rag doll that can't walk down to the mailbox, am exhausted being words to really describe the exhaustion, so those of you that have been, "here", I think you mostly know, minus the UC stuff. And this will hit Friday or Saturday of this week, like clockwork. Like a tried and true friend I can count on that. Funny what we can count on.
I see most of the positive attitude that i really had, kind of diminish through this phase, although I rallied about 2 weeks ago, but couldn't really keep it together, but I tried. when you are just so sick and sleep deprived, it's just really hard to put on a front. and I can usually do it, I'm pretty strong, or so I thought. Well, lets see what the next 2-3 weeks hold, maybe some strength back, and I hopefully can start tapering from the predisone. My neck and my face hurts so bad from this swelling, it makes me want to cry all the time, i just want a break from it and the sore on my tongue. the best way to describe it is that in size it's about a nickle, and the outer layer of my tongue is like missing? It looks like how a burn victims skin as peeled pack I guess you would say. this came from the Taxol, so i have been dealing with it for about 10 weeks, and pretty much everything I put in my mouth bothers it. sometimes I can't really talk well because it hurts. the numbing stuff helps for a little while, But not a permanent fix, so I look forward to this healing once things can start healing, but I'm not really sure how long that takes. I guess the Chemo has to kind work itself out, before things can start to heal. Strange huh?
Dr. Kaul apologized for torturing me, with all of this today, but she also said she had to, and she knew I would get through this.
We talked about my cancer, and where I am. I told her I wanted to know if I was cancer free before before I start my radiation, and as she basically explained to me, that according to my markers, which we will be taking again when I start radiation, things look as they should. for me especially with Triple Negative, we really have to watch the 1st three years. The 1st year is so crucial, as there are recurrences, and chances are it can show up in other places (this is more common during this period), so we be doing blood tests, and running some scans, but I need to get started with Radiation. hmmm, comforting.
I think the best thing for me to do, as I am getting my strength back, is to try live as if I am cancer free, and make some serious adjustments now, lifestyle, mentally, spiritually and so on so that I can survive this.
What's the lesson here? I still don't know.
Christine came in today, my Chemo buddy, I have missed her so much these few weeks.
She has surgery on the 4th, I will go see her before my tests on the 5th. but maybe just briefly, as coming out of surgery, I am not sure if the 5th will be good for her. Maybe I will call Kristin..(our Chemo nurse that works at LosR. and see if she thinks I should come, or wait 'till the 6th)
I know she is so scared, and I am praying for her and sending her what positive energy I can muster!!!
I am going to have a good week and get through this, my plan is to have a good nights sleep tonight, and get my strength back, and get going here.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Yesterday. . . .

was one of the worst UC days I have ever had. It's not enough to have this problem, and why it hits me on Saturday or Sunday is beyond me but I am exhausted, (you have NO IDEA) and if I didn't have to drive down to this thing today I wouldn't. Eric is working though, and it'll be nice to watch the game, but I just don't feel the energy level here to drive to Los kinda dreading it.
Hard to imagine being to tired to drive someplace. . . .I didn't eat dinner lst night because I was to exhausted to go get in the car and go get something. I kept thinking, what's healthy, and who has curbside? So I just didn't eat.. . .come to think of it, I didn't eat dinner on Friday either.
But hey, looking at my face, you'd probably think , she's been eating a lot, skip a meal, or two....
Oh well, tomorrow I will crock pot, and go to the market for my big outing. woo hoo, terribly exciting stuff here.
So there you have it, my Sunday, we'll be leaving around 3 drive down, get an early dinner (ha ha) , watch a game or two.....she can play her game at 7, then we'll come home....
Life and Water Polo :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

What. . . .

is a good nights sleep?
What does that really mean and when was the last time I really had a good night's sleep? I think I need to read back here, so I can see when that was because I don't remember! (I'm so tired of not sleeping)
So today is day two of the Speedo Cup, I would love to go watch Hannah play :(
My plan is to go tomorrow, and actually I have to go tomorrow or she won't be getting down there. This was a a very cool thing that she was invited to play in. We are really proud of her and how hard she works at everything.
So yeah, basically I'm alone for the I guess I'll start working on the girls memory book for the water polo season.
I love to do this for the girls.... It's my last year ..(wow 4 years!!) the time has gone so quickly. I've been so lucky to be involved here...most of these girls are/have been pretty amazing..a few stinkers along the way, but such is life :) hey, they probably feel the same way about me too!
So, that's the plan...maybe I'll take a NAP today and get some SLEEP!
What a thought.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

So. . . .

here's the deal....
Thursdays are the worst, after 27 weeks I am starting to see a pattern of sorts.
Funny huh? not really
But, honestly, my head feels like it's going to explode. yeah complain, complain, but really, I am so swollen from these steroids, it's not a vanity thing here, although I'd like to see something that resembles what my face looked like, but it not just my face, it's my neck too.
And the pressure from the swelling is making me C R A Z Y.
I would stick my head in a bucket of ice if I thought it would help.
Can you say Banana? Well this amazing banana bread shows up the other day, it's gone already. I was so happy to not have to try make some, the last time I did it, the center caved in.
I can bake too, I just added too many choco chips...this was WAY better. I think we need another one.
UGH, well that's all for now, hands are soooooo numb, I hate Thursdays.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

bad. . . .

Shoulder hurting so bad..just pain like something settled in there, and the last time I looked at clock it was 3:30. I really want to get out of this house today because I am going crazy but the toilet god is calling me too.
I can't catch a break here.
I have one more Chemo, then the rest of the party begins.... a couple of tests, a little break then 7 weeks of radiation, 1x a day , 5 days a week.
I'm getting sick of people telling me oh, 1 more week of chemo to go, like it's all over or something.
My primary care Dr. Dr is worried I'm going to have problems with my esophagus and radiation because of 3rd location he is lighting up, so to speak. Nurses told me yesterday I'm probably not going to eat much, that's welcomed and no biggie.
I just want to know before I start radiation, after these last 26 weeks of Chemo Hell that we got it, before I go through anymore torture. I mean torture!
Yesterday I met Nancy, she sat in Christine's spot...Christine is my MIA Chemo buddy. I haven't really talked about her in while because it's too upsetting. 2 weeks ago Christine was told that the chemo wasn't working and her cancer has now come back on her liver and gallbladder....she has ovarian cancer. Had everything and then some possibly removed from her body, and let me tell you you have no idea the strength and courage this woman has, but I think this broke her.
yes she's my partner in crime, when we tried to escape down to the pharmacy with our chemo in tow to go get a diet pepsi, and Dr. Kaul caught us trying to escape....we were planning our grand escape, but didn't get to happen. She's made the time go by fast as I know I have for her. We talk about the shows we watch...hoarders, intervention, (cause of all of the drugs we are taking, we may need one) prison shows, you know, quality TV.... so she will have another surgery on Nov. 4th and well we will see, and go from there. I told her we will just have to move our act to the hospital, and see what kind of trouble we can get in, since we know most of the nurses there.
So needless to say I'm still kind of expecting her to walk in yesterday, and in comes Nancy...Stage 4 Uterine Cancer, and she's got some kind of lesion on her brain, and she's going to have some gamma ray radiation on Thursday to get rid of it. I will be praying for her.
This gal has cancer lesions all throughout her entire body, hello she's got stage 4 cancer. Her daughter has breast cancer, the other daughter doesn't but is having both breasts removed, oh my god!!!!
Thank god next week is the last week of chemo at least least and I can get out of there, I know that is so selfish to say, but I can't get too involved here. Nancy told me how angry she is, and how she yells at her husband, and I just listened, and when I could I offered her a few suggestions, like the wellness center, might offer support for hubby and family, all is free.
Take a nice drive and if she's up to it take him to lunch, he's freaking out and doesn't know what to do here. She was just diagnosed and had surgery like 3 weeks ago, also had everything removed.
UGH what a day, maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.
I just want to get out of this house today, I need to go buy some little presents for these wonderful and amazing women that take such good care of me at Chemo. That's my goal, even if for just a little bit today. Pretty stupid huh?

Monday, October 19, 2009

The. . . .

lesson, was to "conquer your fear". At least that's what I said, and actually really try to live my life by.
She drove, made it there and back and now, has done it, and can go there anytime. Traffic and's a long drive, but it's not about the drive.
Day 4 of Diarrhea...I am loaded up on lomitil and imodium, and it's now 12:30 and I am determined to stay out of the bathroom.
Most people write about such interesting things, they write about what's going on, and sound so clever. I'm writing about my "Shit Quota" literally. I have had enough, quite enough thank you.
Oh, and the fun begins again tomorrow!
Yes, Toxic Tuesday.
Oh yeah.. (rant coming) All this talk about BANANA BREAD, I'm making my own tomorrow after Chemo. . . and I am putting choco chips in mine!
Please stop telling us your making it and and then you don't.
Ahhh, that feels better :)
Well, lets see off to the reg. Dr, she is seeing me during her lunch at 1:00 today, I'm glad she's down the street, because I took a vicodin 1/2 hr ago....No I'm not getting hooked. Low dosage for me. At this point, I am done with dealing with pain.
OK, hands still numb. . . 2 weeks of Chemo...# 11 tomorrow, then the new fun begins, and this CANCER SHIT better be gone when we check it in a few weeks!!
I am so done with this!!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cancer. . . .

must be teaching me something else here, because I know I have other things to learn.
It's just upsetting and painful emotionally when you are sick, and your kid is mad at you.
Yeah the thing I don't talk about is how my Cancer upsets Hannah, and is disruptive to her life, and I know this is hard for her too and she is angry. It's OK with me that she is, just upsetting beyond words.
So when some things come up that are different than what she normally does she gets upset, and gets upset with me, because I'm here. Eric is working.
I feel bad because I feel like in some ways I have not done my job and prepared her for some things. Like as silly as it sounds, driving someplace you've been to, but never driven alone. I remember doing that when I was about the same age, she is going to practice at at pool she's been going to for the last 4 years....just never driven to it.
Usually, we'd of had her drive to these places, but every time we go, we just go...doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but Hannah is someone that takes a little time to adjust, she doesn't just "go" when she's unsure, she gets frustrated.
So, I've been so sick for the last three days, yes, again...UC..and I should have NEVER listened to Dr K and cut the steroids down. She was just trying to give me some relief, yeah great at my own expense. So, I've have horrible diarrhea for 3 days, can't get out of the house, off of the sofa and taking vicodin for the new pain I am having on my bottom...need I say more?
I begged Eric not to work yesterday, asked him to please stay home, or at least come home early, so we could get out of here and go out to lunch or something, just get me out of here, so I could feel's that word again..."NORMAL"....thinking Friday was just going to be the bad UC day. WRONG!
Yesterday I had gone 10 times before noon, where finally after lomitil and imodium, it stopped in the afternoon. We went no place, I cried...again.
I was up pretty much all night, but I told myself over and over Sunday is going to be a good day, I'll go down w/Hannah, she can drive, while she's at practice I can go get a breakfast burrito...(the best place is near the pool) and then I'll just sleep in the car, take a little nap...WRONG..
Up at 6, and in the bathroom, once again, a repeat of yesterday. So I'm waiting for her to get up and come down stairs so I can tell her I'm not going, she looks at me and says, I thought you wanted to get out of the house? I need you to ride with me, so I can get this down.
I told her I can't do it, she doesn't get it.
We didn't yell, we didn't fight, I just let her down.
What's the lesson here? when you teach your kids to drive make sure they drive everywhere?
I know this must sound strange, but we are a family of one else here just us chickens. We probably do things different than most, but we didn't really have great examples to compare to. So maybe that's where we get all of out great parenting ideas from???
I've just wanted to be so different, and do things better, and be a good Mom. Sometimes I feel like I could never please my mother, and now I can never please my daughter. Lesson???
I hate being sick, I hate feeling sick, I wish things were different, but they aren't and I am trying to do the best I can. It either is enough or it's not.
Maybe I'll get a call from her saying she got there OK, probably not. I printed out directions, I know she'll get there fine, but she won't talk to me when she gets home. We do a lot of that these days.
I hope this changes.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


did it. I signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 Day for next November. I know, it's a year away, but It'll take me at least 6 months - a year to start to feel "normal". . .what ever "normal" is.
I need something long term beyond what is happening right now, and something to push for, something to look forward to, and some kind of goal, that does not involve my child, but a goal for me.
And my hope is that I raise the $2300 so I can walk. I need to make a web page for this, and then I'll link it to my blog..and yes I'll be asking for "tax" deductible donations, but look at that it this way, I'll be sleeping in a tent...(you won't) and you get to help fight Breast Cancer right along with me!
I'm working on a team name, right now it's "team No More 3 Neg!!!" under Judy Guthman, Team Captain of one! Who knows if anyone else will join, next part of the whole thing after the chemo... 2-3 weeks off, then 7 weeks of radiation....whooooo hooooo
So, I'll try to work on this this thing over the weekend, depends on my energy level.
Luckily I don't have to talk to anyone because I've got some fun little sores in my mouth that hurt...and oh, for my new right eye won't stop twitching. My face is so swollen from steroids, I look like I have the mumps now.
I told Eric, once all of this goes down, if I have a big hanging down neck, something is going to be done about this. I'm not going through all of this and having a big neck thing too.
Yeah! Don't care about the boobs, go figure! (like we'll have money to do anything anyway)
Ok, well my hand is pretty swollen, so that's about all of the typing for me for now...
stay tuned!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wed. . .

coming down off of the steroids...
Last night I slept, 2 vicodin and 1/2 ativan yay! numb fingers and feet starting kick in, but trying to keep that postive mental thing going from last week, lets see if I can hang on.
I cut my predisone down to 30mg, I hope I HOPE my uc will let me do this.
My face and neck so swollen I don't recognize myself and the swelling really hurts.
Dr K said my lymph glands are swollen in my neck and I have a new tongue sore starting on the right side of my tongue now, so I am thinking it's gonna be a lot of soup for a while and really soft food. I'm using a straw to drink everything and that really helps.
Ain't Taxol Grand!!??
Well, that's about it, it's raining I like it except that fact that a dog did a poo poo in the house, and I know which one did it, because she won't go out in the rain....we need to get a tarp on our deck, which never quite made it up there on Sunday. . . . . . .
Life goes on

Saturday, October 10, 2009

wow. ..

haven't written since Monday...
I have been trying REALLY hard this week to get my mental shit together, since my shit quota has been filled up. By this I mean I have tried to have a more positive attitude, try and make myself feel better mentally, try not to constant cry, ummmmm and all of the stuff.
Is it working, did it work? A little bit. so that's good.
My face now looks like a big round pumpkin and there are eyes here someplace, I'm just not crying each time I look at myself in the mirror, because I don't recognize myself, and to be completely honest I feel very self conscious around people that know know me because they know I look different, and well, this is just one more thing to endure. I'm doing it but. . . . . . .
like I said my shit quota is FULL.
Ok, so Ann my wig buddy, set me up for a positive week, she takes no credit but I lovingly give it.
We got a wig, she helped me, said I was never going to get one, but I am glad I did.
I went to the market today, like at 7:30 am, when no one is there, except for the people that work there. . . . .I'm looking for ready made chocolate pudding. . .getting my drift. I find this really nice lady stocking shelves, and asked if she could find me some, and my wig way like halfway up the font of my head.....SHIT QUOTA....she comes back, what could I say, I pulled it down, I said, 1st day I'm wearing a wig, not too good at it yet...LOL
What I want to know, shouldn't I have learned how to put this thing on my head on Monday when I bought it, or do they just kinda let you walk out with it, and just show you how to make it tighter?
I'm still not really clear, and don;t want any more "funny" moments, although if it's going to happen I guess better me than some??
Well no more typing for now, hands killing me... I love my Chemo and it loves me!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sunday. . . .

was still so sick, can't get rid of this coughing thing and I can't breathe (or catch my breath is a better way to say it?) Thought I was going to end up in the big H yesterday...having some fun now. Was way to sick to go watch Hannah, but I heard she did amazing.
Ok...I am REALLY going to try to keep positive thoughts this week, so I can feel just a little bit better. I want to make Sally's Lemon Cream Cheese cupcakes and take them to the Relay for Life pot luck my Dr is having on Sat night. I can't do the walk, but maybe I can sit for a little bit. I am going to try to put little pink ribbons on them since it is Breast Cancer Awareness month.... that is my long term plan for this week....
Shooting for this Sunday for my outing and watching Hannah play...Gotta get at least one Sunday in here before October is over...Jeez!!!
Chemo tomorrow, and need to tell Onc Dr that Zith did not help, (well it helped for 2 days, then it came back) maybe I need an inhaler or something, mucinex doesn't seem to be working all that great.... I'm afraid to take levaquin because I hear it's hard on my stomach and I can't take that any more, between coughing and diarrhea....well I'm sure you get the picture. Lomotil now has a new friend I double it up...yeah, good times.
Complain complain, yeah yeah coin a phrase from someone many of us know "what ever"

Saturday, October 3, 2009


just want to feel normal again. Even if just for one day.
I can't stand this.
So send positive energy, tomorrow I'm not going to have diarrhea, I'm not going to cough or run a fever, I'm gonna drive Hannah out to claremont, sleep in the car for a little while and when I wake up I'm gonna go watch her and feel better, ok..... doesn't even have to be normal, because what is normal?
But we have to leave at 6am and honestly, my body doesn't even get going until like 10 these days.
I'm really going to try. I'm going to do this.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Been. . . .

running a fever for days..had to go get hydrated today, and now we can't draw any blood from my power port. This sucks, so that means for the next how ever many weeks someone needs blood we'll be digging around in my veins. Oh boy!
How do I feel otherwise? Ummmmm, still have bronchitis and now am starting another antibiotic tomorrow, had some more blood taken today and we are doing some weird kind of culture to see if we can figure out my fever issue.
Oh yeah, no body is coming around me for at least a least not to my house.
Fun stuff!