Sunday, October 18, 2009

Cancer. . . .

must be teaching me something else here, because I know I have other things to learn.
It's just upsetting and painful emotionally when you are sick, and your kid is mad at you.
Yeah the thing I don't talk about is how my Cancer upsets Hannah, and is disruptive to her life, and I know this is hard for her too and she is angry. It's OK with me that she is, just upsetting beyond words.
So when some things come up that are different than what she normally does she gets upset, and gets upset with me, because I'm here. Eric is working.
I feel bad because I feel like in some ways I have not done my job and prepared her for some things. Like as silly as it sounds, driving someplace you've been to, but never driven alone. I remember doing that when I was about the same age, she is going to practice at at pool she's been going to for the last 4 years....just never driven to it.
Usually, we'd of had her drive to these places, but every time we go, we just go...doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but Hannah is someone that takes a little time to adjust, she doesn't just "go" when she's unsure, she gets frustrated.
So, I've been so sick for the last three days, yes, again...UC..and I should have NEVER listened to Dr K and cut the steroids down. She was just trying to give me some relief, yeah great at my own expense. So, I've have horrible diarrhea for 3 days, can't get out of the house, off of the sofa and taking vicodin for the new pain I am having on my bottom...need I say more?
I begged Eric not to work yesterday, asked him to please stay home, or at least come home early, so we could get out of here and go out to lunch or something, just get me out of here, so I could feel's that word again..."NORMAL"....thinking Friday was just going to be the bad UC day. WRONG!
Yesterday I had gone 10 times before noon, where finally after lomitil and imodium, it stopped in the afternoon. We went no place, I cried...again.
I was up pretty much all night, but I told myself over and over Sunday is going to be a good day, I'll go down w/Hannah, she can drive, while she's at practice I can go get a breakfast burrito...(the best place is near the pool) and then I'll just sleep in the car, take a little nap...WRONG..
Up at 6, and in the bathroom, once again, a repeat of yesterday. So I'm waiting for her to get up and come down stairs so I can tell her I'm not going, she looks at me and says, I thought you wanted to get out of the house? I need you to ride with me, so I can get this down.
I told her I can't do it, she doesn't get it.
We didn't yell, we didn't fight, I just let her down.
What's the lesson here? when you teach your kids to drive make sure they drive everywhere?
I know this must sound strange, but we are a family of one else here just us chickens. We probably do things different than most, but we didn't really have great examples to compare to. So maybe that's where we get all of out great parenting ideas from???
I've just wanted to be so different, and do things better, and be a good Mom. Sometimes I feel like I could never please my mother, and now I can never please my daughter. Lesson???
I hate being sick, I hate feeling sick, I wish things were different, but they aren't and I am trying to do the best I can. It either is enough or it's not.
Maybe I'll get a call from her saying she got there OK, probably not. I printed out directions, I know she'll get there fine, but she won't talk to me when she gets home. We do a lot of that these days.
I hope this changes.

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