Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Toxic Tuesday. . . .

so today was my last. . . . .
Now the break, a few tests and radiation will start. The next phase after a long 28 weeks. . .phew
I look back , at what I can briefly remember here, and what most comes to mind is all of the pain and problems from round II, Taxol.
I remember the 1st 12 weeks of chemo with the A/C, and i wanted to do was keep the nausea away, and with the regimen I was on, I was so lucky and positive and able to that.
At week sic of Taxol, as I talked my Onc Dr today I told her I was ready to give up. And now at then of this, the last week so to speak, I am left feeling completely broken and wiped out. I feel like a rag doll that can't walk down to the mailbox, am exhausted being words to really describe the exhaustion, so those of you that have been, "here", I think you mostly know, minus the UC stuff. And this will hit Friday or Saturday of this week, like clockwork. Like a tried and true friend I can count on that. Funny what we can count on.
I see most of the positive attitude that i really had, kind of diminish through this phase, although I rallied about 2 weeks ago, but couldn't really keep it together, but I tried. when you are just so sick and sleep deprived, it's just really hard to put on a front. and I can usually do it, I'm pretty strong, or so I thought. Well, lets see what the next 2-3 weeks hold, maybe some strength back, and I hopefully can start tapering from the predisone. My neck and my face hurts so bad from this swelling, it makes me want to cry all the time, i just want a break from it and the sore on my tongue. the best way to describe it is that in size it's about a nickle, and the outer layer of my tongue is like missing? It looks like how a burn victims skin as peeled pack I guess you would say. this came from the Taxol, so i have been dealing with it for about 10 weeks, and pretty much everything I put in my mouth bothers it. sometimes I can't really talk well because it hurts. the numbing stuff helps for a little while, But not a permanent fix, so I look forward to this healing once things can start healing, but I'm not really sure how long that takes. I guess the Chemo has to kind work itself out, before things can start to heal. Strange huh?
Dr. Kaul apologized for torturing me, with all of this today, but she also said she had to, and she knew I would get through this.
We talked about my cancer, and where I am. I told her I wanted to know if I was cancer free before before I start my radiation, and as she basically explained to me, that according to my markers, which we will be taking again when I start radiation, things look as they should. for me especially with Triple Negative, we really have to watch the 1st three years. The 1st year is so crucial, as there are recurrences, and chances are it can show up in other places (this is more common during this period), so we be doing blood tests, and running some scans, but I need to get started with Radiation. hmmm, comforting.
I think the best thing for me to do, as I am getting my strength back, is to try live as if I am cancer free, and make some serious adjustments now, lifestyle, mentally, spiritually and so on so that I can survive this.
What's the lesson here? I still don't know.
Christine came in today, my Chemo buddy, I have missed her so much these few weeks.
She has surgery on the 4th, I will go see her before my tests on the 5th. but maybe just briefly, as coming out of surgery, I am not sure if the 5th will be good for her. Maybe I will call Kristin..(our Chemo nurse that works at LosR. and see if she thinks I should come, or wait 'till the 6th)
I know she is so scared, and I am praying for her and sending her what positive energy I can muster!!!
I am going to have a good week and get through this, my plan is to have a good nights sleep tonight, and get my strength back, and get going here.

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