Monday, October 18, 2010

Where. . . .

I am today?
This is a rough one and I feel so jumbled up in my head that I don't know if I can even make sense right now.
So lets see I thought today would mean that only 5 treatments to go, but after meeting with Dr. M, my Rad Onc., he wants me to do 3 more higher power treatments, so I will have 18 instead of 15 and I will be finished next week.
We just talked about so much that everything is spinning around.
I guess I just chose to really think about the fact that I have brain cancer. OK I said it.
I just kept thinking I had a met, grew into this enormous tumor in a really short time and we got and now after the gamma's and radiation, well that's that. Well not really, that's not that exactly.
yes I have trip neg, like that's not enough, but mine is really aggressive, so we are hoping for clear Pet scan next week..(making sure it hasn't gone to my lungs, liver, bones) at least for now. If that's the case Dr. M says then the chemo did work for now, but we still aren't really sure why it went to brain 1st, and so fast and so big.
Trying to digest this all, I asked what could I have done differently here, and he said nothing, there was nothing that I could have done.
So bottom line, I'm not in a great mood today, I'm just so upset and the reality of it all is that I just can't believe this is happening.
It's like I just want to wake up and have my job, and have none of this cancer shit anymore, and just go about my day like everyone else.
I hate not working, it's just still so upsetting, at least I had that to look forward to, and it kept my mind off of me.
I'm just having a really bad day, I guess I am entitled.

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