Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's. . . .

been a few days since my last post!
Was a long hot waterpolo weekend, though it was fun to watch and girls are nice. Met some great parents and I think this is going to be really good for Hannah.
What I am finding out is how tired I am.
They told me I'd be tired that day, the next day,(of gamma treatment), but here we are almost a week later and I am pooped! and I mean POOPED
I find myself working, but feeling like I could just go lie down and go to sleep. I haven't really experience this as yet.
I had been more pumped up because of the steroids, and now I am just tired all of the time, and it sucks.
I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything but lie down and read or sleep, but I feel guilty and feel like I really need to push myself through this and work. It's also so not like me!
Yesterday Eric said let me see your head...yeah I'm going friggin bald over my ear, and I look like a freak..great
I have one area below where the hair is good, and above the incision scar it's good, just this ugly friggin hair falling out bald spot on the side of my head.
I went through chemo, bald and I was fine, I embraced it, I shaved my head. I was good with it.
But I didn't really know this was coming and it's not a vanity thing so much, because I don't care if I'm bald, I don't need to wear scarves I have this really expensive wig, I won't even wear, in fact I've never worn it.
It's just hard to explain, it's like part of me feels like I've been through enough, and I just want my hair to grow back.
If it grows back it's like it's over, or something like that.
I've never really thought to much about the fact that I've had brain cancer, and surgery and gamma twice, I just take it in my stride and go about what I need to go about.
This just really bothers me, and I just can't stop crying today.
I wake up at night and my head hurts from where the bone is growing back, and it itches from where the nerves are growing back.
If one is trying to move on it's really hard at times when you've got all these things constantly going on in/on your head. And I'm not talking about just emotional stuff!
I mean while I'm at it, I'm fatter than I've ever been, I feel and look gross, I hate being on these steroids and need to get off of them. I know they make me CRAZY! I'm bitchy sweaty and just plain crazy.
When we are doing something I can be distracted which is great, but I've got to get off of these.
F it, I'm calling the Dr.


  1. Judy dear, I really want to reach out to you and include you in our breast cancer (informal) support system. We added 3 new members last weekend at our monthly lunch fest...I'm going to email you a video and some photos...we are in all different stages of this process and we couldn't do it without one another...please consider joining us in Aug.

  2. please send me your email...i am at hhamlett@gmail.com