So. . . .

what I've noticed recently is at night, when I'm lying down and dozing off, something strange is happening.
The vertigo thing that I had previously has started to come back. Only when I turn over, just like before.
So without trying to jump to conclusions, I mentioned it to Dr. K yesterday and she said well, maybe it's edema in the brain. (I've recently stopped taking steroids)
So, what would that mean? ummm back on the steroids.
I have a brain MRI on the 7th, I think I'm going to call on Monday and see about making an appt. w/Dr. A to see if we can get those results back quickly, as we are moving our daughter into her college dorm room the week after that test, and I really don't want to wait.
That would keep me jumping to conclusions most definitely!
September is a busy month!
Brain MRI, Bone Scan and Breast Ultrasound...hey, the 3 B's, oh and that little thing called moving your only child into her college dorm room.
Oh, and yeah I'm looking for a Job too. I just had to fill out an online resume on the EDD site, and actually I couldn't even fill out anything that looks like I might be a semi intelligent person.
FML right now! Thanks for firing me Doug you piece of shit!
I see my primary care on Tuesday, I think we need to change my meds. I don't think this is working. I'm having a really hard time getting myself "up" I get going, but I'm just not happy most of the time, and just feel depressed.
I wonder if my brain surgery had anything to do with this "state of mind"?
I just can't shake it off.

I. . . .

can't believe it's Friday.
The big 51 is next week...
Notice how I say the big 51, well what was supposed to be the big 50 (last year) kinda came and went during the throws of taxol, the drug from hell. Ahh I still remember it well. But thankfully is a memory and not a reality!
As far as being 51, that doesn't even phase me, it's like it doesn't mean anything.
So, long before the J O B thing, we had planned to go to Vegas for my B.Day, I know Vegas??, but there was a great special at a really nice hotel and tickets to see Blue Man, which I have wanted to see. So we booked it, and off we will go. I'm really looking forward to getting away and I think it'll be fun.
When I get back I have an appt w/Dr.K and we will schedule my full body scan.
Notice how it always comes back to that? Interesting. . . .
My tumor markers came back negative, so no reason to think my body scan will be any different.
I don't really think about the cancer, or brain tumors growing back, it's kind of like yeah that's me, but in a way it's not. Doesn't rule my thoughts or my day, it was there but it's not "me" yet it still just lingers in background.
I've just kicked the steroids, that's like the best news.
It's been a long taper, but It's over.
Now I just have to be patient as it works it's way out of my body. . . . .again. . . . .

It's. . . .

interesting.
When I lost all my hair with chemo it didn't bother me at all.
I shaved my head, and off I went.
When the brain thing happened, they shaved the area that they removed for surgery and then when I got home from the hospital we attempted to buzz the rest of the hair off, and Eric was extra careful around the "zipper"
At that time I was pretty freaked out how the side of my head looked.
My once smooth and nicely shaped head was now sunken in above my ear and then this lumpy bumpy track like zipper thing.
Ok, so now. . . .3 months later and 2 Gamma Knifes later. . . .
The sunken in area, not so bad and the zipper thing, not so bad, has smoothed out quite a bit.
I still have itching and numbness along parts of what was the zipper. No biggie
But what still remains and is weird is the patch of missing hair. (a result of the Gamma)
I know, I'm the one that shaves my head, I actually kind of like my hair at this length..1/8 inch (ha ha)
But the patch thing...no bueno... I am considering Nioxin, or maybe one of those bows that they stick on a baby's head..
You know, the baby that looks like it could be a boy or a girl, so the mom goes and buys one of those sticky bows for her head.
I wonder if the glue will stick like the adhesive they used on the bandages they stuck on my head when I was in the hospital.
That was not fun trying to get the damn glue off.
Hmmm

Do. . . .

you write about the things that keep you up at night, or the thoughts that you wake up with in the morning? I wonder.
Seems like lately they are one in the same.
Seems like lately I am questioning everything about myself, what's going on, what has gone on, and where I'm headed, as a person, as a mother, spiritually.
Getting fired put me in to a tail spin.
Not just because I lost my job, although that in itself doesn't really help matters.
Timing wise, couldn't be worse, but is there really ever a good time?
I can be positive, not talk about it, that way everyone is comfortable around me, but honestly I have never felt so worthless.
My self worth has always been so tied to what I do, how I produce, how I feel about taking care of my customers, my business, and that's all gone.
Just ripped away. Without a warning or discussion.
So I can say to myself, I'll be ok, I'll get through this, all of that, and I know I will, but it doesn't change what happened, doesn't change how I feel, and doesn't change anything.
I have no education, am going to be 51, recovering from cancer/going through cancer treatment and that is the reality of my situation.
I will start thinking about some classes or some kind of certificate program, or school, but I have no clue in what direction to go. Other than at this point I am done with sales!
The wish? Not to be at this place at this point in my life.
The reality? I am, get my shit together.

Time. . . .

to write, just haven't been able to really concentrate since loosing my job.
I'm trying to get over the initial shock of it, talk about getting kicked while you are down.
Or, getting the rug pulled out from under you.
My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to figure all of this out, and why it happened. . .
No warning, no nothing, just WHAM.
So the main question I have at this point in my life is this..
Who is going to want to hire me?
Oh by the way, I had breast cancer, and got a brain tumor, and I still am under going tests every two months, and not sure if it's going to come back, so I'll need some time off from time to time, and I can't tell you much more than that.
Sounds like someone I'd hire thanks Doug, you're a stellar individual

Talk. . . .

about an f'up day.
FML

One. . .

of those days where I just feel like crying.