So. . . .

Where the he'll do I start here?
Yesterday I couldn't get on so I'm a day late, but not to worry because the fun never stops here!
Ok, last week we go for a walk I pull a muscle in my leg...right? Not a quiz...
Yesterday, I decide to go get a gel manicure....guess what's coming?
Yes!!! A new song, it's called when face meets pavement. Kinda like that one that is called when soul meets body.
Well, us girls just couldn't have enough fun...breakfast, then my idea for the mani...we were laughing and I didn't see the two inch step that apparently I tripped over ( 6th person this month) last lady broke her hip...so I guess I am lucky, stupid, idiot, working with one half of a brain, um.......
Oh well, nothing is broken, Eric didn't yell at me, Hannah was upset that I fell, but shit happens and I have to be more aware of my surroundings right now. Uh, yeah.
Today I may sleep considering I did not get too much last night. Sleep that is.
Another day .... Hey at least dinner is in the fridge so I don't have to think about cooking anything and....Hannie comes back today. She's been hanging with ally all weekend and I am so happy she's got some great friends, I think happy doesn't even quite say it all, but it's good.

The update. . . .

Without looking at yesterday....this is what I ate...little tiny cini buns that Iko gave me at gamma, about two bites of a salad two bites of garlic bread...then dinner spoon full of pice slice of pita and a bite of chicken....nothing tastes good except for that cinne. Mini.
Sugar sugar sugar.
Now.....
I take a small drag on my vaporizer, start coughing and spring a bloody whole in my head. Swear to god.
Eric looks at me like I'm some kind of freak, I mean I have like one hundred little tiny band aids all over, what will they really stop?
Is it like putting your finger in a tiny little whole to plug it up?
In a way it's kind of funny. But I guess it wasn't to look at.
Think about it, ur out to dinner, u sneeze or cough all of sudden u have a Frankenstein thing going on ,right there on face....uh waiter....could I have a really big towel please.
Yeah, having a good time .

Ok. . . .

I can say what ever I want here. Get this fucker out of my head

Today. . . .

I felt good this am, but feel like crap now. My leg hurting still, a tiny bit better, but need the arnica rub. I had to fire Eric the Suez chef yesterday. I hired him back, so we will see how he does today!!
I still can't seem to get all of straightened out completely, but I'm hoping after Thursday things will get a little better.
Planning on having b.fast with Cathy when she gets back. That will be nice.
Just want to get on with this already, I hate waiting....grrrrrrr

So. . . .

Who pulls a muscle in my calf taking the worlds shortest walk yesterday?
I felt it but thought no. Big deal. Could barely sleep last night, so got some arnica gel, see if thc helps with the swelling, said it should...no motrin or advil here, so . . . . Hopefully this will all work.
Did I happen to say that I am so fucking sick of all of this!!!!

A. . . .

Little better right now. Had a little bit of a sandwich, took more drugs but best of all, no headache as yet, and I am hoping not at all today.
Took a tiny walk, and maybe will try again later, if not in the am.
Hey at least I haven't asked Eric what day it is for a change, so maybe the swelling is going down and have not felt wobbly today.
Like I said on my fb, I just want this thing outta my head and I wish I didn't have to wait till Thursday.
Jimmy will come on Thursday and that will be really good for Eric, I am glad he is coming too. No crowd, just him, perfect. When all this shit is over I will cook for those I promised before all this shit went crazy!
Dr.Ahn said something really interesting to me, he said my symptoms seem to come before the tumor, they don't know why.
They don't seem to know shit about shit when it comes to brain mets. At least he doesn't...why I want to see dr. Miller.
So we will how it goes, and actually I will ask neuro dr. Chan on Thursday when he's torturing me with that halo thing he's gonna screw into my head.
Fun stuff!

Thought for the am. . . .

Luniesta or mj for sleeping at night while on all these MEDS?..
The mj is better , got myself a little groggy hangover this am, not enjoying it at all.
Hope it passes soon.

This. . . .

May sound a little stupid, but in some ways I feel blessed.
Not for the cancer...hello who would be, but the amazing friends I have made.
One said it is rare at our age to make these kind of life long friends and I do believe this as well.
Most of the time I feel like my Dr.s are idiots, thank god my friends ae willing to listen, I hope I am not driving them crazy, I don't think I am, but sometimes....well you just want to be sure.
Today is third day of upping the steroids and I feel a tiny bit better this am, so let's see what the day brings.
Keeping a positive thought and if I can keep from saying something snotty to anyone here I think I will be doing OK.
Speaking of stupid Dr's. I sit in the office yesterday, having a big melt down tears flowing and he just looks at me. Wtf? Is this a Chinese brilliant Dr thing or just him? Most of the time he just looks at me like a deer in the headlights kinda look. Why I love love dr. Miller, I know dr A is the gamma god, but a tissue, a hug, anything?
Even my Chinese Nero surgeon will let me hug and cry all over him and he hates it, but after all, he did have those amazing hands in my head a little over a year ago....so like I said yesterday on fb....UGH and yeah that says it for right now.
Still waiting to hear back about when we are going to blast off, so hopefully cherry can get this done today since we want to schedule for next week. The thing doubled in short of two weeks, so it's growing fast....once again

If. . . .

You don't want to read about the idiot I experienced last night then don't read this.
Why will medical mj never be legal in ca? Because of the stupid people that call themselves drs. What a fucking idiot this guy was.
My radiation oncologist even suggested I go get some to help with nausea, etc....my card had expired so I went to go renew. There is one place in t.oaks that does this, where I originally went, so I went back. But it was strange because this time the dr. Was old and white, not young and black...ok maybe they're brothers from a different mother....right?
So he says I just want to ask u a few questions, mind you he has my entire file in front of him.....we are taking current
What's the date, who's the pres? Who was the last one, the one before, the one before that...some stupid bill Clinton joke, then do u have dogs, do u walk them, no u idiot I just got out of the hospital, well don't they like to walk, yeah and I'd like to eat without feeling sick to my stomach...
What do u do for a living? Ok stand up and touch your nose, stand up on one foot, that's when Eric said no.
Well I was just checking ...write the fucking letter so I can get out of here...there was more but I'm sure the point comes across.
The mj really works, we need it, we can use the revenue in ca but what do we do about these idiots???
This was just a mini rant...prob would have been better to write last night, but ......

Usually. . . .

I think most things are funny, but I don't seem to have much of a sense of humor these days. I still feel like shit, crabby, bitchy, the works.
Will I ever get back to who I was?
I fucking hate this!