I. . . .

Am upset about my memory, or lack there of.
I never had this problem and it really sucks. I can forget mid sentence what I'm saying, or if someone says something while I'm talking I'll forget what I was saying, or wait the best part, I write it in my calendar book and then forget to look at the book, oh and we can't forget the ever popular excuse well it's OK Judy, you had brain surgery, radiation and four gamma knife's and yeah some kind of seizure over the summer when u lost one week in the hospital. Don't be so hard on yourself....
Well u know what I say to that? F that! That's what I say.
Here I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good then I get these "reminders" but maybe this is pre Alzheimer's only difference is I know I can't remember something instead of not remembering and not even knowing about it. Ugh does that make sense?
It does to me but then again, I'm a person of very little brain these days.

We. . . .

were talking about Gabby Gifford's last night, and not that my brain stuff has anything to with hers, and let me say her recovery is nothing short of amazing!
One thing they were showing and talking about is how music really helped her as well, for her it was the singing part that helped with her speech and words.
For me much different, but music has a therapeutic effect for me. I don;t have an ipod but I am lucky enough to have an ipad, which I believe has really helped me.
The music part is great because I can put on my headphones and just plug in and I feel happy, it puts me to sleep sometimes, or I sing, all that matters is the how I feel.
The other thing that has really helped are the couple of games I play, I honestly believe that has saved me too.
I have to focus and think, that too is important with all this brain stuff I'm still going through.
Music and word puzzles, who would have thunk! (no I don't work for apple)
I just want to say that I'm having better days, still have my moments, but nothing like before! thank GOD!!

So Saw Dr. A yesterday, we are tapering once again, YAY!! and I am cutting down to two pills a day, 2 mg now from 4mg., he wants me off of them...so do I!
so as long as there are no problems then the plan is after Thanksgiving to call him and we will cut down again...If I have problems then back up.
Praying for no problems here....nausea, dizziness and headaches none of those.
Then next brain MRI end of Dec, gotta get that freebie in since I have deductible met..(and then some) I love the end of the year! haha Hey, thank God I have insurance!
So that's about it for right now.
Ahh instead of Ugh

So. . . .

little sleep last night...jeez this is getting old!
I'm walking so I know I am getting some exercise, but honestly UGH!
Gonna bake some brownies, that should do it, or maybe undo it.
Eat a salad for lunch, then eat brownies..haha, it's all good!
Dr A. this week, I'm sure we will schedule a Brain MRI.
It's all kind of surreal, what we except and how we carry on, but really what choice do I have?
So I am trying to get back to where I was and I feel like I'm getting there so that's a good thing.
Sometimes it's hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you don't quite look right. My face is still pretty swollen from steroids, and there is really nothing I can do about it, but I notice people looking at me sometimes. I want to ask them what the fuck are you looking at, but I guess that sounds a little angry..oh well...
Maybe I'm being a little sensitive???
(who me??)

JUST. . . .

Another one of those nights where I was up most of the night. . . . so much for beauty sleep. The Mj does help, maybe I should use more??
Still have my lump, right now it seems to be about the same, so I am just checking it.
Had tumor markers done so I think I need to call and get results.
hmmmmm

FEELING. . . .

Pukey this am.
That about sums it up.
Supposed to see Dr. A this am, don't feel like going, don't feel like doing or going anyplace.
I hate waking up and feeling like this!

Ugh. . . .

That's about all I can come up with right now as to how I am feeling.
Been feeling okay, but just kind of "ugh". Does that make sense?
I'm supposed to go to a volunteer interview today, which I have been looking forward to, but today I don't know where I stand with everything, and not completely sure I can do this right now.
I've been feeling pretty good, but still have days when I am dizzy, lately I have this swimming feeling in my head, kind of behind my eyes and the only thing I think of is that I still have swelling and I see Dr. A this week, my guess is he will up my steroids, and maybe we should just do it and get it over with, so this swelling goes down.
I just need to suck it up
Bottom line, I like the idea of volunteering, but I just don't think I can conform to a schedule at this point.
I can't even get on a regular walking schedule.
I just feel like a mess today.
So I've rescheduled and going to talk to Dr.A about it and see what he thinks before I make a final decision. I think that is the best move for me right now, gives me a little bit of time and then get his feedback, not even sure when my next MRI is,
I am so sick of this!

ANOTHER. . . .

Up and down night, all night, oh well and I have a crap load of stuff to do today.
Been thinking about Christine lately.
Especially since paranormal just came out w/ a new release. She would have insisted that we go see it, so we could sit and laugh and then talk about how stupid it was later on.
I really do miss her, and it's been about a year since she passed.
Sometimes I think if not for her I don't know how I would have made through all that disgusting chemo.
We would sit there and just laugh, tell jokes, talk about the hoarder show on TV and the old people getting chemo would just stare at us like we were crazy.
But honestly, that's how you make the best out of a bad situation, laughter.
I can't ever forget the time we tried to escape while still attached to our chemo poles. (iv's and all)
We made it to the door, and were heading down to the pharmacy for a candy bar and something to drink...Yes, my idea. but we were caught and then labeled Thelma and Louise, and told to never do that again. Poor Dr. K, thought she was going to have a stroke.
Christine and I just clicked, and we understood each other. She had been through so much more than me. She had uterine cancer, and already gone through chemo, and had several surgeries at that point. Talk about strong, and again I believe she was an example for me in some ways.
I miss her and having a friend that truly knows what you are going through really makes the difference. Even if we didn't see each other that much we would text when she was up to it. She was in and out of the hospital so much towards the end and I am glad I was able to see her and make her laugh.
The hardest part was when she asked me what she should do. Keep on fighting or just go with it.
Talk about a heavy conversation. I didn't know what to say at first, but I won't forget it either, I asked her how she felt, was she tired what did she think about the choices she had. She could not do another chemo. She had so much going on cancer wise and I think it was just too much as she passed quickly after our last visit. Glad I saw her.
I thought writing a little about her would make me feel better but right now it just makes me really sad.
Gonna be one of those days I guess, and well it's OK.
Next week I have an interview for some volunteer work, so hopefully that will work out because I feel it will be really rewarding and good for me as well. See what happens!

UP. . . .

All night! at 10:00 I thought it was 12:00 at 11:45 I thought it was 3am...at 3am I thought it was 5, and it is so windy I thought our deck would blow off the house. So tired !
At 5 I was so pukey, not sure what that was all about but it seems to have calmed down since then.
Thought for the day UGH