Tomorrow. . . .

I get to go see my oncologist for my 1st follow up after radiation.
Sounds good...after radiation. . .
Not sure what the plan is now, but I am hopeful that she will tell me how this works from this point.
I can't wait until my skin starts to feel somewhat normal, I can deal with the strange color and all of that but the crispy, crunchy thing is REALLY weird!
I still can't wear a bra. . .TMI?
Hey, after everything I have posted here, that's nothing.
Ok, right now I am trying to stay away from Eric...Yup he has the stomach flu...1st Hannah had it, now him.
I attempted to sleep on the couch last night, me and two dogs. Notice I say attempted, they kept me up all night. I kept kicking them off, they kept getting back on. One was on my head at one point. really pissed me off.

One. . . .

more day of radiation left.
YAY!!!!!
I am soooooo tired today.
Hannah woke me up sometime in the middle of the night, she had been throwing up for a couple of hours.. . . . She has the FLU
Nice.
Need to stay far, far away as I still have a very weekend immune system.
We both had flu shots, just not the H1N1 one. CRAP, hope it's not that one.
Ok, so back to radiation, tomorrow is the last day and then I need to go back in a month so someone can check my skin.
I think a spa day should be included after you have undergone this, and the Dr. should pay for it, because god knows we can't!
I made an appt with my oncologist, and will see her this Friday, then I am hoping to know if this is actually gone. No can tell me for sure, other than well you will have a mammo in April and we will monitor you very closely for two years. . . .
I can't take any of the oral chemo drugs that most take after chemo because my Estrogen receptors are negative....that means it won't work for me, hence one of the reasons this has a high recurrence rate. Oh yeah, I remember that. . . .
so we shall see on Friday.

Three. . . .

more radiation days left...Can it be???
I don't want to get too excited until I speak to Dr. Miller on Monday, but things are looking up as far as that goes.
Now I just have to get through the burning crispy critter skin.
To add to my "joy of the rain", seems our roof is leaking, right on to our dining table.
I have a lovely trash bag table cloth now covering it.
Martha would be so proud. . .
In my spare time I am thinking about stenciling it, as it seems it will be raining next week too.
Might as well look good!
Oh yeah, and I forgot the mushrooms for the mushroom, barley, bean and beef soup.
Chemo brain.
It's amazing how horrible my memory is! It's like bliss!
Now what was I saying. . . . hmmm. . . . .

I. . . .

hear if you eat Lemon Cupcakes the burn isn't as bad!!

Crispy. . . .

skin.
Yeah and I'm not talking about fried chicken!
My skin is so bad, that it keeps waking me up at night whenever I roll over on it.
Hard to believe, but so painful!
My underarm looks worse than a bad sunburn, it's crispy in one area and bright red in another. It's like that under my breast too, so forget about wearing a bra, but wait..I wore one on Saturday and yeah, it's worse now. Never mind my neck and oh hey, what about my breast? Don't want to go there...OUCH. .
So I'm crabby because I hurt, and because I am not getting a restful nights sleep and I'm stressed.
I know some of this is hormonal too, because I'm crying again.
And if I wanted to live in the frigging rain I'd of moved to Oregon.
I hate this weather.
I'm on the phone yesterday, trying to drum up some business, and the dogs start barking. I quiet them down, then like around 1:00 I look out on the deck and the patio umbrella is gone!
Ok, it flippin flew away! Oh yeah, and it took out the patio table glass while escaping.
Glass everywhere, pouring rain, and no patio umbrella.
These things are big, where the hell did it go?
Over into the neighbors yard or over the wall onto the street behind us?
Oh wait, it took flight and landed on the side of our house. I am not kidding.
So I call Eric, ummm Huston, we have a problem. . . . .
I get a broom do my best to sweep it in one pile, get the doggy gate thing, and block off the area, because our dogs, being terrier's, want to know what's going on, and have to inspect everything, so I am hoping I got all of the glass of the deck.
I need a vacation or a lobster dinner or something like that!

So. . . .

much on my mind. It's all jumbled around in my head!
7 days of RADIATION left...that's the good news.
Then what? I have no idea. I haven't heard from my oncologist, so I don't really know what happens from here. Kinda strange, but we will see. . .
One thing that is REALLY bugging me, well actually a few things are.
But yeah back to this. . . I've decided to resign from the Aquatics board. I feel great about my decision, and actually like I've been set free.
At the last meeting someone said something to me in front of everyone, (and it wasn't just a a simple question, more like a statement questioning who I am as a person) and well I just can't get past it. So time for me to go.
As for the other stuff all jumbled around in my "head", well I can't control any of it, and I don't know what to do about it, so I guess we just wait and see.
I do know that I have to try to keep my stress level down, and so that's what I am trying to do, but it's hard when Eric is completely stressed out. I am really worried about him.
I never thought trying to get your kid to college would be so hard, I wish I had a secret bank account and could just pull like $20,000 out of it and say here, this will probably take care of the 1st two years along with everything else.
Breathe for a little bit, and then we can figure the other stuff out later on.
She's done her part, and kept up her end of the bargain, now we have to.
Honestly, it's all I can think about right now. It's all consuming!

Ok. . . .

so radiation is so much fun!
I have this lovely red burnt hickey like thing on my neck right? I find out that if I had been turning my head to the left this might not have happened. That's right, has to do with a crease and where it goes and all of that stuff.
So this burn area it kind of hurts and I cannot scratch it or the skin will break and well, yeah, not fun! I am using aloe and some disgusting cream that is like some kind of thick Vaseline like substance. Honestly who invents this?
The other thing here is what it's done to my breast, mostly my nipple. Yup, enough said? OUCH, and OUCH. won't go into details, but it's not fun AT ALL.
So on Monday, I had a new outline drawn on me for the 2nd phase of the radiation, and hello Dr. if I told you my breast hurts than why are you pressing on it with that damn sharpie?
then they take some pictures, and what ever else they do with some weird camera like thing.
My new phase lasts 7 days, starting next Monday and they only radiate the area where the tumor was, so hopefully my neck and pit can start to heal!
Then, yes that will be it.
At last as far as I know that will be it...so we will see.

So. . . .

yesterday Hannah says, "mom you have something red on your neck". . .a couple of things run through my mind...I look in the mirror and I'm like. . what the hell is that?
looks like a giant hickey. . .but it's not, it's from my radiation...looks like my armpit.
I sure hope this goes away!
I don't care about my pit so much, but the neck thing has got to go!
Just one more thing to ask the Dr. on Monday.
Vertigo update: I still have it, it's a little better, but I'm still kind of floating around.
My eyebrows and eyelashes have grown back, it's like magic! :)
So we will see about everything else!

hey. . . .

tossing my cookies this am, or I should say my toast.
isn't vertigo grand?
Imagine sitting in a chair and you feel like your in a rocking chair, but your not!
Fun stuff.
Leslie, thank you for the comic relief, I really need it :)

So. . . .

I still have vertigo, day four.
It's a little bit better tonight, so I am thinking that it's getting better now.
I am going to have to talk to the Dr. on Monday when I see him and see if he has any ideas. At least he won't run another brain MRI on me since I just had one.
It's funny, because I am just trying to get through each day and really I try to not think about how I am feeling. I don't want to dwell on it, because if I do I start to focus on how crappy I feel.
I still have this numbness and tingling in my right arm/hand, and I still hobble around when I get up. It's really quite painful.
I think that people must think that once you finish your treatment, you feel OK. Good as new, So get going already.
Well I'm here to say that's not the case, at least not for me.
And I feel like I'm pretty positive and I try to be strong. sometimes it's hard though, to be strong that is.
Sometimes I just feel like crying, then I try to not think about it.
I'm two months out of chemo, and hopefully just about done with radiation.
I am so SICK of getting up at 6:30, brushing my teeth, throwing something on and driving over there before 7am.
Why the hell did I pick this time of the morning?
By 1:00 I'm pooped, ready to crash. And lately, at dinner time, I'm not hungry. (that's the only positive thing here)
Oh and my right breast looks like it's been on vacation someplace, and my right armpit looks like it needs to come out of the sun completely.
Were are having some fun now.
I'm just ready for all of this to over.

My. . . .

Vertigo is back! Not like a welcomed friend.
I am so sick of not feeling good, and m0st of all I didn't want this back.
It started when I woke up yesterday am. UGH!!!
Couldn't even drive to radiation this am, I am sure I'll get hell for that tomorrow am, and regardless of how I feel, I have to go. Eric may be driving me.
In the meantime, I feel exhausted today. I have been at my desk since this am and am still in my pj's. At this point why bother getting dressed, not like I can go anyplace, or that I even would, but I am usually dressed at this point.
What can I say but YUCK!!