UGH...

feel like I am going to puke for a change.
The gift that just keeps on giving!!
updates:   I have yet another UTI, all these friggin steroids really seems to compromise my system.
Doses are up which is what is making me sick to my stomach.
I know I still have swelling in my brain, and I have an MRI in about a week.
I'm just tired of feeling like shit and crying all the time.
I am somewhat joyful and really looking forward to Hannah coming home and Christmas...
Jim and Debs on Xmas eve, and brunch-lunch at Joyce and Phil's on Xmas day.
I am also looking forward to the BC group lunch, so there are good days ahead and things to look forward to.
What is amazing to me is how I have connected to people that you would never think you would.
The Starbucks lady at Albertsons, the two meat ladies, a couple of checkers, I always get hugs, it makes me cry every time!
So I am in baking mode and hopefully can get these cookies done and over to them, they brighten my day and I want to do something nice for these ladies.

OK. . . .

I do not like the fact that fucking google changed this blog format. Like I don't have enough problems as it is. I keeping looking at this trying to figure out what is different, why they messed with it and why I can't change my email address to my gmail acct...which is sionna1jg@gmail.com Fme! Ok on with whats going on with my brain or lack there of! I had an episode last week, had paramedics take me to ER which I don't remember, Eric and I got home at 3:15am, don't remember that either, so yes back up on the steroids, changed other meds as well and just feeling fucking dandy. Until I adjust, once again, I'm crying and I seem to have some little weirdness now going on with my left hand other than that??? Trying to get out and be as normal as I can...what ever that is, I mean what is normal? In my case it's more Abby Normal, lol But seriously, enough already!

I. . . .

Am upset about my memory, or lack there of.
I never had this problem and it really sucks. I can forget mid sentence what I'm saying, or if someone says something while I'm talking I'll forget what I was saying, or wait the best part, I write it in my calendar book and then forget to look at the book, oh and we can't forget the ever popular excuse well it's OK Judy, you had brain surgery, radiation and four gamma knife's and yeah some kind of seizure over the summer when u lost one week in the hospital. Don't be so hard on yourself....
Well u know what I say to that? F that! That's what I say.
Here I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good then I get these "reminders" but maybe this is pre Alzheimer's only difference is I know I can't remember something instead of not remembering and not even knowing about it. Ugh does that make sense?
It does to me but then again, I'm a person of very little brain these days.

We. . . .

were talking about Gabby Gifford's last night, and not that my brain stuff has anything to with hers, and let me say her recovery is nothing short of amazing!
One thing they were showing and talking about is how music really helped her as well, for her it was the singing part that helped with her speech and words.
For me much different, but music has a therapeutic effect for me. I don;t have an ipod but I am lucky enough to have an ipad, which I believe has really helped me.
The music part is great because I can put on my headphones and just plug in and I feel happy, it puts me to sleep sometimes, or I sing, all that matters is the how I feel.
The other thing that has really helped are the couple of games I play, I honestly believe that has saved me too.
I have to focus and think, that too is important with all this brain stuff I'm still going through.
Music and word puzzles, who would have thunk! (no I don't work for apple)
I just want to say that I'm having better days, still have my moments, but nothing like before! thank GOD!!

So Saw Dr. A yesterday, we are tapering once again, YAY!! and I am cutting down to two pills a day, 2 mg now from 4mg., he wants me off of them...so do I!
so as long as there are no problems then the plan is after Thanksgiving to call him and we will cut down again...If I have problems then back up.
Praying for no problems here....nausea, dizziness and headaches none of those.
Then next brain MRI end of Dec, gotta get that freebie in since I have deductible met..(and then some) I love the end of the year! haha Hey, thank God I have insurance!
So that's about it for right now.
Ahh instead of Ugh

So. . . .

little sleep last night...jeez this is getting old!
I'm walking so I know I am getting some exercise, but honestly UGH!
Gonna bake some brownies, that should do it, or maybe undo it.
Eat a salad for lunch, then eat brownies..haha, it's all good!
Dr A. this week, I'm sure we will schedule a Brain MRI.
It's all kind of surreal, what we except and how we carry on, but really what choice do I have?
So I am trying to get back to where I was and I feel like I'm getting there so that's a good thing.
Sometimes it's hard to feel good about yourself when you feel like you don't quite look right. My face is still pretty swollen from steroids, and there is really nothing I can do about it, but I notice people looking at me sometimes. I want to ask them what the fuck are you looking at, but I guess that sounds a little angry..oh well...
Maybe I'm being a little sensitive???
(who me??)

JUST. . . .

Another one of those nights where I was up most of the night. . . . so much for beauty sleep. The Mj does help, maybe I should use more??
Still have my lump, right now it seems to be about the same, so I am just checking it.
Had tumor markers done so I think I need to call and get results.
hmmmmm

FEELING. . . .

Pukey this am.
That about sums it up.
Supposed to see Dr. A this am, don't feel like going, don't feel like doing or going anyplace.
I hate waking up and feeling like this!