I. . . .

am ready for all of this stuff to be over with!
I've almost given birth here, time wise, without having the actual baby.
I am hopeful that the new year will be cancer free and treatment free in a couple of weeks!

Happy New Year!

Got. . . .

my MRI and bone scan test back and everything is good as far as no cancer anyplace else.
Honestly, I wasn't really worried about that.
What was really interesting was seeing my Radiation Onc. Dr associate yesterday. I told him about all of the pain and numbness, (and we aren't taking about a little tingle here and there, this wakes me up at night, wont let me get to sleep at night, hurts constantly, makes me hobble around....get the drift?)
Know what he says? "were you on Taxol "?
Huh! only the most disgusting, and hideous chemo drug known to man. . . Was I on Taxol I said? are you kidding??
I said, yes, why?? he then tells me that Taxol causes sever nerve damage.
ha ha, once again the joke is on me.
Sever nerve damage! WTF!! he then tells me that oncologists won't tell you this. I mean, why would they?
So you can say sorry I won't be taking this drug, like in my case I didn't even have a choice as there are really only two drugs we can take after the A/C.
And. . . .I was reading on on the triple negative forum, and so MANY women have nerve damage. It's also called nuropathy, which I had in my fingers and toes all through Taxol, told my dr and she never said a word.
On the blog, one person posted that the nerve damage symptoms start to peak about 2-5 months after you have been off of Taxol...hello that's right about when all of this started to happen.
Right on schedule, that's me!
So, what the other Dr told me yesterday was that he has had great results with some B-12 treatments...actually b-1 and b-12 helps grow the "casing" that surrounds the nerves. A lot of what I am feeling is nerves growing back, along with nerve damage, and so I am now taking this supplement and am looking into b-12 injections... (the supplement is a powder because b-12 is hard to absorb, and this is a better way) who knows!
All I can say is if this gives me any relief I will be thrilled.
I am going to ask Dr.Miller on Monday why he didn't tell me about this or is his assoc a quack?
I mean after all, most Dr.'s don't suggest non-medical means of treatment. Hey and I'm all for a more natural way as opposed to taking yet some other kind of pill or drug.
Time will tell!

The. . . .

Ipod nano dilemma!
I just spent 15 mins on hold with apple to find out that if you don't have the headphones plugged in, the exterior speaker will play music if it's turned on.
This of course is after holding for 15 min. and after looking at the online manual for 20 mins.
This is what I get for trying to "help out"
I think Hannah owes me big time.
So much for my diversion. . . .
Yesterday I went to have the rest of my MRI done, it took all of 5 minutes.
The drive over there took longer!
Hopefully I will get some of these results back this week.
My right harm and shoulder is still hurting and this numb tingling all the way down to my hand is driving me CRAZY!! Maybe its a pinched nerve??
I am almost certain that I have to start walking in order to get this weird hip/leg thing to go away.
It's like after I am sitting for awhile I get up, then I am hobbling around, or if I stand too long, it just starts hurting.
I am really sick of all of this!
I don't talk about it too much, unless Eric makes the mistake of asking me, then I usually start crying.
Also, I am convinced I'm going through menopause, so that makes it worse. (the crying part)
When I talked to my reg. Dr a week ago, she said I can't do hormones...(the type of breast cancer I have or had doesn't respond to hormones, meaning my body wont respond. . .) I have all the fun!
It's like I told Eric today, it's not like I have just gone through having cancer and then dealing with the treatment.
I get all of these little bonus "things" that have gone along with it.
All I know is I am going to get crabby if all of this doesn't go away soon!

It's. . . .

Christmas Eve morning!
That means tomorrow's Christmas and I don't have to get up and go to radiation. (I might actually get to sleep in a little. . .like to 7 would be great!)
Although, we may still get up at the crack of dawn if Hannah wakes up early. I hope not!
Yesterday I had my brain MRI and a C Spine MRI, like two for the price of one, well not really.
So the test is with contrast, and I was actually thinking about how the tech would do this because the 1st part is without contrast and the 2nd part is with. I figured he would have it all under control right?
But, remember, we're talking about ME here, and my experiences with tests and techs and all of that stuff. . .
Ok, so back to the the MRI...Not fun, although I've got this little goggle thing going on with closed captioned TV (for the hearing impaired)..and in my case the sight impaired..
Oh and if you close your eyes for a little bit you've missed some of what was said so you don't know what the hell you just missed.
Why did I choose Law and Order anyways? Like this had to be from the 80's or something...
Ok, so the goggle thing is on and then this head thing like a cage over my head.
Where am I gonna go?
Now I'm back in this machine and I'm feeling a little funny, so I get a fan blowing air on me and I'm all set.
Get though the 1st part of the test, and now for the contrast, honestly, it felt really good to be out of that thing, it's loud and just awful.
Now I'm back in for round two, then I asked for a break, and that's when the tech tells me we have a slight problem.
Did I say a slight problem?
Yes, seems he "had a brain fart" ...his words... and for got about the C spine part without the contrast part of the test.
Yes, I get to go back.
So what could I say to him, you're an idiot? what the hell were you thinking? How about, are you kidding me?
No, I just said don't worry about it I'll come back...on Saturday, he assured me it would only take 10 minutes.
Merry Christmas!
Oh well, it could be worse, so 10 minutes I can handle.
But honestly, I feel like I've really been tested through this whole thing and sometimes I'd just like to get mad, but what would that prove? See if I was on steroids I would have come unglued.
(it might have felt really good though...wink wink!)
And if things couldn't get worse, I get a call from Edie the other night.
Yes the long lost drunken mother returns for act????
I don't have it in me right now to deal with all of that.
But of course, it still gets the better of me, even now, even after all of this time.
After I've digested my feelings and thoughts, I'll put it down.
That will take a few days for sure.

Well. . . .

I did the bone scan yesterday, and I am waiting to hear back from the Dr.
After talking with him yesterday, he now wants a MRI on my head to rule other things out.
The other things I don't really want to think about, let alone talk about.
Quite honestly, if I have to go through the TAXOL ever again, I don't know what I would do.
The A/C was bad enough, managing all of the nausea, but the TAXOL.
I just shudder at the thought of it.
I just want to know what the heck is going on with my body.
The pain and the numbness is really driving me CRAZY.
I don't talk about it too much to Eric and Hannah because whats the point of complaining?
I'm just trying to deal with it. But sometimes, like after I've been sitting for a little bit, I have a hard time getting up. They just look at me.
Like yesterday afternoon, trying to take pictures. . . .
It was hard to stand sometimes, and then I tried to get on a bench to shoot pictures, I could hardly get up on the bench.
I didn't say anything to the girls because I don't want them to know, but seriously this has got to get better!
My guess, the Dr will tell me everything on Monday when I see him.
Oh boy!

Yucky. . . .

test tomorrow.
But, maybe Dr. will figure out why I am hurting all the time.
Eric read something about steroid withdrawals, and it almost describes me to a "T".
So, will ask Dr. tomorrow when I see him in between my morning running around.
Listen to this....
Go for radiation at 6:30, then drive over to a different radiology place, and get an injection at 7:30.
Then, at 8am, go back to radiation place, and see the Dr.
Then go back to radiology place at 10:30 for ct scan.
Sound like a fun morning?
Hell no.
I'm sick of it all quite frankly.

Been. . . .

a little while since I've written anything.
Going for a bone scan on Monday, maybe we will figure out what the heck is going on with my right shoulder and right arm/hand.
Still alot of pain, and just plain hurts all the time.
Another thing I noticed is that I hobble around after I've been sitting for a period of time.
Reg. Dr says that's due to the fact that I had been on steroids for so long and that I need to try to stretch a few times a day and try to loosen everything up.
Next week I start my 4th week of radiation.
The only thing right now that I am noticing is being extremely tired in the afternoon.
I have a slight mark I am noticing on my chest, so I hope all this cream "stuff" I am putting on will keep anything really nasty at bay!
That would be nice for a change.

There. . . .

is something I'd really like to get off my chest but I can't.
I made a promise. . . sometimes I really hate promises!
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now so let me just say this, people should really keep their opinions to themselves when they are in a group setting.
If you ask someone how they feel about something, and they "ask" you for your "opinion" then by all means.
Otherwise, shut the hell up.
I am sick of judgemental people, and their holier than thou remarks. Honestly!
We are all in titled to our feelings about how we choose to deal or not deal with things.
I personally, would let someone speak to that, and then if my opinion was asked I'd say it, if it wasn't then I wouldn't and most certainly would not pass judgement on that person, or try to diminish them or what they have said, especially in a group setting.
I guess it must make them feel better or bigger to do this, because it's not the first time.
But, it most certainly will be the last, at least for me.
I am very BLACK and WHITE and you either "stand for something or you stand for nothing"!

Insurance. . . .

companies suck!
They don't want to pay for my Pet Ct Scan until I have a CT Scan.
So lets run an extra test. Makes sense to me!
I am sick of it to be completely honest.
All I know is my shoulder and right arm is hurting about 90% of the time and I need to find out why before I start popping vicodin everyday for the pain.
On another note, my vertigo is gone.
YAY!
I almost hate to say it in fear it will return.
I hope not!

Isn't. . . . .

life fun?
So Friday I get this letter from the place that did my mamo, different from my Onc. Radiologist (where I get my daily Radiation). . .and this letter tells me they have found something on my mamo.
This is after they tell me everything is clear, after my surgeon tells me everything is clear, but the letter says they have found something and that I need to come in May 10th 2010.
Yeah, that's what it said. So of course that puts me in a tail spin.
Long story short after talking to my Rad. Onc Dr this am, basically, not to worry, it's a standard letter that is, in his opinion, not worded correctly, and that I am on 6 month mamo check ups for 2 years...etc, etc.
Here's where it gets better though, I have been having so much pain on my right side, shoulder, arm, hand. Dr is concerned with that, (pain related to cancer?) so long story short, I'm going to have a Pet CT Scan now on Wed. to make sure that it is not cancer related.
So the fun never ends!
I get to go get lit up at 6:30 am, and then the big scan at 7:30 am.
Woo Hoo, having some fun now.
I am going to try to not think about this as much as I can, so i don't start freaking myself out all over again.
Eric wants me to stop crying, so I have to get my mind off of this.
I was hoping to get our tree tonight...hmmmm...we'll see because it's raining.

So. . . .

tired from radiation.
Right now that's all I can say about it.
I did not go this am because I have some kind of inner ear infection and there is no way I can drive.
Woke up with my ear hurting yesterday, and I went to the Dr, she gave me some antibiotics and nose spray, but today I woke up with this dizzy thing.
You move your head one way and then everything seems to follow in slow motion. It's horrible.
I'd really like a break, especially since my right shoulder, arm and hand are still hurting.
This has been going on for weeks, and I can see how people can hooked on pain pills managing pain.
I haven't taken any for this but I am really tempted, because this just won't go away and is really uncomfortable.
It's been a long week!