been

up since 3 am, throwing up.
Pain is worse than any of the chemo stuff, I cannot stand this, can't eat anything, nothing tastes good, Eric keep trying to feed me because of all of the pills, can't eat smells bad, tastes bad I am so sick of this, I can't sleep....wine wine wine. This is horrible.
am going to pain dr today hope something Can be done here :(

Stupid

Drs....so all of them get this MRI report and no one reads it....
So frustrating. I go tomorrow to get another mri of my neck...c-spine, then I am going to pain Dr. so they can find some gigantic needle to shove into my neck right? All I care about at this point is having no more pain..PLEASE. I know why people become addicts. If I wasn't allergic to vicodine I'd of been having some fun for sure. so strange that since chemo I can't take it anymore. wonder why?
OK, is what it is! So MRI tomorrow night, pain dr on Thursday am, then eye dr on Friday am. I really want to know if this nerve thing is affecting my eye, if not hat is causing all of this pain, and pressure, and fullness feeling?? I'm sick of the flashing light thing too.
Ok, I got through cancer I'm gonna get through this.
I've got to get my head around this, I can do it and get to feeling a little better. Pain is an amazing thing. I am so wrapped up in myself and how I feel, it's all consuming. I keep apologizing to Eric and Hannah, shit, they've been through enough already.
Ok, I missed a trip last year, and it's not happening again. I am going on this little Mexico cruise with Lisa and the girls on june 14, I will be feeling much better soon, and then I can start WALKING...the little things we take for granted, and what seems so important, when you aren't able to do it. really means the most. So, stay positive, and hoping Kelly will send me positive energy...I really need it now.

I. . . .

have felt so crappy for about two weeks, today is the first day I don't have a migraine, and as soon as I woke up I put heat on my neck, and then ice, and I am not turning my head, but instead my body, and now it doesn't hurt. I feel like going to the chiro made everything worse.
I have not taken a muscle relaxer today, just some tylenol. Will see what neuro says on Thursday.
I'm not very good at this mother thing, the stress from the constant arguing is so upsetting.
If someone else tells me "she's just separating, I think I will scream" the truth of the matter is, this is how she is, and she doesn't want me in her life and messing things up or asking questions.
I'm just do disappointed with everything. Trying not to feel sorry for myself, I just felt like after coming through everything I've been though, I'd be at a different place at this point. I'm having a hard time figuring all of this out.

so. . . .

Today, when I stood up (on two different occasions) I did not get a wobbly knee thing bu did get the neck pain, so I sat down and just kept doing the stretches and kind of leaned into the pain.
No headache today, so that's a good thing. I will see how phys therapy goes today. Went last night, and my muscles are are so tight and out of place, and lots of inflammation. will see by next week if any better. . .
Yesterday was bubba's birthday, and we went to dinner, when we got there, I thought I was going to go down in the parking lot. I didn't want to spoil his birthday, so I ended up having two glasses of wine, yes I took muscle relaxers yesterday. I felt kind of good actually and I slept. Only woke up at 3am, but could get back to sleep. Unlike night before. See what happens tonight. have Phy ther. at 4pm.
Waiting for this damn dress to arrive, so Hannah can go get it hemmed. (hopefully she can get it done, or she'll be screed, cuz I don't sew)....
see what happens. . .

so. . . .

Today, when I stood up (on two different occasions) I did not get a wobbly knee thing bu did get the neck pain, so I sat down and just kept doing the stretches and kind of leaned into the pain.
No headache today, so that's a good thing. I will see how phys therapy goes today. Went last night, and my muscles are are so tight and out of place, and lots of inflammation. will see by next week if any better. . .
Yesterday was bubba's birthday, and we went to dinner, when we got there, I thought I was going to go down in the parking lot. I didn't want to spoil his birthday, so I ended up having two glasses of wine, yes I took muscle relaxers yesterday. I felt kind of good actually and I slept. Only woke up at 3am, but could get back to sleep. Unlike night before. See what happens tonight. have Phy ther. at 4pm.
Waiting for this damn dress to arrive, so Hannah can go get it hemmed. (hopefully she can get it done, or she'll be screed, cuz I don't sew)....
see what happens. . .

Saturday. . . .

night. Eric and I decide to go to Los Toros, thinking about those purple Cadillac's...Ok, lets go take a drive should be too crowed if we get there around 5, and even so, we can wait..
We get there get out of the car, and this tightness starts in my neck,and I didn't say anything, we walk in and my knees start rocking and I lean up against the wall, he says whats that?, I said that is what is happening to me, do you feel it? Yup, I was actually relieved because he could feel my body jerking just by my holding on to his arm to keep me up. Needless to say we left :( got out to the car and once we got to the freeway I felt better, and thankfully no migraine this time.
He said, ok I'm not a Dr. (no kidding), but I think this is neurological. I said it's like an electrical thing, so I'm calling one of the recommended ones I got from Dr. last week. Not going to ignore it now. WTF is wrong?
I feel like having a giant pity party right now.
I'm kind of pissed, Hannah is still sleeping, I'm doing laundry cleaning some windows. I need to go to the market. Wishing she was up and offering to help. would be nice. I have to just except that I don't feel good and I'm super crabby, . It is what it is. Good thing Eric is working today I guess..I mean I wish he didn't have to, but at least he won't be around my crabby self.

I. . . .

have so many new tricks. It's ever changing! Yesterday I fed the dogs, and started to feel wobbly, I walked into the office grabbed a hold of the chair because I started swaying back and forth and bam, down I went. I'm so glad I had a hold of the chair , who knows what i would have taken out. After, I had the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life.
Eric wanted to take me to the ER. Last time i had that much pain, I had kidney stones.
So I popped a vicodin, even though I've developed a reaction to them now since chemo, I itch all over. We felt like better to see if it helps and I can take a benedryl for the itching. I tried an ice pack on my head and neck, tried to make the bedroom as dark as we could, then I started throwing up.
I know how to have fun. this is no pinched nerve.
Guess I'll be calling to make an appt with a friggin nero now.
We've been trying to find symptoms on the Internet to see if we can figure out any of this, but nothing matches..
today, I feel a little better, my head still hurts a bit but nothing like last night.
I am so frustrated and now feel like I can't go drive my self to market because what if I try to go shopping and this happens again??
I'm not having fun at this point.

I....

think I can kind of describe whats going on. I walked into the other room, and stopped for a second, and I got this wobbly knees thing, started swaying a little and this neck pressure in the back of my neck.
I went and sat down and it went away.
Bizarre
My tumor markers test came back all is good.
is this other thing a result of chemo? I feel really frustrated and I don't understand.
This happened twice to me last night, and then again just now.
I'm afraid to leave the house, I'm going to become a shut in or something. I'm going to try and look this up again on the Internet and see if I can find anything.
I'm see a chiro, but I don't feel like my new trick has anything to do with my neck being out of whack.
Whats really stupid here, is I go to the Dr. the other day and see the NP, she says hmmm, go see a neurologist, and here's some muscle relaxers. Stupid people.

OK. . . .

I am going to see primary care Dr. at 2:00.
she wants to check blood pressure, I'm going to see about getting something for migraine and to sleep. I feel like crap today.
I'm working but my neck is hurting.
On to better things, really excited about Hannah's grad party and the taco cart thing! sounds yummy. will make sangria too, ok I need to try this out and make sure it's good. wine and rum weird combo, but looks pretty, and hey if the food is bad the sangria will do the trick! haha..

So...

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here. Like an old friend that I've forgotton. I realize how much I miss writing my thoughts and feelings and really how much better I feel when I do.
so many strange things going on now. And I just don't understand what is happening to my body. I stand up and feel like this tightness moving from the back of my neck down through my shoulders and I feel my knees kind of give way and my head starts to pound and I almost go down. it's been going on for a few weeks.
I still have vertigo and now this eye flashing thing at night.
I saw Dr. K last week for tumor markers and she ran some other tests. Said well you need to get your eyes examined and get a colonoscopy. what the hell does my colon have to do with my head and neck? I could think of something really comical to write here, but I will keep my thoughts to myself. she says well with breast cancer you want to get that colonoscopy, because you are more prone to colon cancer. Friggin lovely I say.
We did an MRI in November and all was clear, so whats next?
I go and see the chiro, my neck is way out of whack, but after I left today this "thing" happened twice. The migraine I had yesterday would kill a horse. I have no drugs and since I'm now reacting to Vicodin I can't even pop a bunch of those and just go to lala land.
what I will say? I'm so sick of being sick and not feeling good.
Hannah thinks I'm crazy, I just don't want to be one of those people that always doesn't feel good, like I'm trying to get attention or something. F me. I feel like crying.