Friday, October 29, 2010

Well. . . .

I feel overwhelmed.
My Pet Ct was clear, "no visible signs" Dr. Miller will have read films today, but as of last and then confirmation w/Dr.Kaul today, my body is cancer free.
To say that is amazing.
When I heard this last night I was in shock and couldn't stop crying.
I'm so thankful, I am kind of speechless. Hard to believe I know.....
Today was also the last day of my brain radiation, next week I can start tapering off the steroids, big YAY there!!
I see Dr. Miller 2nd week of November, and then will have my Brain MRI end of Dec, and when that comes back clear I can really breath.
So one more test to go, and I am really sure the radiation took care of any floaters in my head and I'll be clear.
I have so much to be thankful for, I am just overwhelmed with emotions.
Then on the more typical side of my thought process,
I'm sitting in Onc. office and Kim is drawing like 12 tubes of blood...yeah me the vein challenged, and we just can't seem to get a good flow.
and what am I doing while she's attempting to suck the blood out of me?
I'm humming "if I only had a brain" ha ha
I hope she didn't think I was referring to her.
They had the Wizard of OZ in in the waiting room and everyone was dressed up like the Wizard of Oz there, so really it was only natural for me to do this.
Leslie, I'm sure you'll agree. . . :P

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Up. . . .

my dose 1/2 oh yeah, hello sweats.
Is it Friday yet???

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Scan. . . .

Results on Friday.
I am exhausted today!
Tomorrow is first of three high powered radiation doses, then I'm done!
Is it Friday yet?????

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ok. . . .

tomorrow is the Pet CT...why on earth would they tell me I have to drink some disgusting thing that tastes like soap?
Now that's all I can think about and how I'm going to refuse to do it.
I seriously would have preferred not to know this!!
This is in addition to the injection, which I can handle, but drinking stuff, I'm not good at that.
After everything I've been through right, should be a piece of cake, well that would be a no, at least right now it's a no.
Tomorrow is also my last low dose of radiation, then I get the three bigger ones, and then will be done on Friday.
Which is also when I'll get my scan results. . . . .
I want to be done with all of this!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

As. . . .

expected, my hair is coming out.
I wonder if I don't touch it if it will stay on my head?? Hmmm, what if there is wind??
Yes, I know I lost it all with chemo, but this time I buzzed my head, I didn't shave it like the 1st time. The 1st time I buzzed then shaved.
Guess I better figure out how to wear these stupid scarves I bought. . . .
So glad I didn't go this am, I needed a day off. Next week will be five days, plus the Pet Ct on Tuesday.
Ok, here I go again.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Taking. . . .

a break tomorrow...thank God.
I don't care if I have 5 days next week, My scalp is driving me CRAZY!!!
Maybe this way I won't be fried over the weekend. . . . .

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

So. . . .

tired today, feel like I didn't sleep all night, but I did.
My scalp is really hurting, and according to Steve, my Tech guy this am, my hair is getting ready to fall out.
As I lightly tug on it, out it comes. (it's already so short)....
So I just don't know how this round grows back as Dr. Miller said it should grow back, but may not completely.
Ok I am going to buy nioxin, or one of those hair growth shampoos, but I think I will wait till after next week is over to start using it.
Other than that, today is a little better emotionally.
Next week, NOT looking forward to PET Scan. Just gotta get through that one. Can't freak out on that.
When all of this shit is over I want to take a real trip. Like anyplace not in California.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2ND. . . .

day and I still feel like this.
Ok, this is not like me and I just can't seem to shake it off.
I'm really trying and I just don't know why I can't move past this.
My hair is starting to come out, I knew it would I just thought it would be in the area that was getting the direct hit, so to speak...I mean the whole brain is, but I'm getting the radiation on two different sides.
Why can't I stop crying? I can't stand this.
I can't keep this up in front of Eric because he just doesn't know what to do, that's not to say he isn't trying because he is, he is amazing, but I know this is wearing on him so I try to not show him this side too much but as of yesterday it's just really hard.
This brain thing is just freaking me out!
Maybe as the week goes on I'll get to a different place in my head, that's what I'm hoping for.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Where. . . .

I am today?
This is a rough one and I feel so jumbled up in my head that I don't know if I can even make sense right now.
So lets see I thought today would mean that only 5 treatments to go, but after meeting with Dr. M, my Rad Onc., he wants me to do 3 more higher power treatments, so I will have 18 instead of 15 and I will be finished next week.
We just talked about so much that everything is spinning around.
I guess I just chose to really think about the fact that I have brain cancer. OK I said it.
I just kept thinking I had a met, grew into this enormous tumor in a really short time and we got and now after the gamma's and radiation, well that's that. Well not really, that's not that exactly.
yes I have trip neg, like that's not enough, but mine is really aggressive, so we are hoping for clear Pet scan next week..(making sure it hasn't gone to my lungs, liver, bones) at least for now. If that's the case Dr. M says then the chemo did work for now, but we still aren't really sure why it went to brain 1st, and so fast and so big.
Trying to digest this all, I asked what could I have done differently here, and he said nothing, there was nothing that I could have done.
So bottom line, I'm not in a great mood today, I'm just so upset and the reality of it all is that I just can't believe this is happening.
It's like I just want to wake up and have my job, and have none of this cancer shit anymore, and just go about my day like everyone else.
I hate not working, it's just still so upsetting, at least I had that to look forward to, and it kept my mind off of me.
I'm just having a really bad day, I guess I am entitled.

Friday, October 15, 2010

So. . . .

what is the deal with the gal from the ONC. office? she's supposed to make my appt for Pet CT, she calls me yesterday and said, oops I forgot to make your appt, do you still want me to do it or do you want to do it?
She's the scheduler person, so isn't that part of her job? I don't get it.
As far as the roids go, yes I'm back on them, so maybe that has something to do with the fact that I'm a little irritated, but I don't think that's completely it.
And when I see the Dr on Monday after my treatment, I have to ask him why my cheeks are bright red, looks like I fell into some freaky blush.
I hate this shit!! RANT

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Why. . . .

would someone I don't know post some ad for their business on MY blog?
If I get another post from her I will report. Find some other way to do your business please. rant!
So....I am dizzy today, started yesterday, and the neck ache thing is back. Even thought I know that there is no way something can be growing in my head, again, something is not wonderful here.
I guess by the end of the day I'll be back to my "roids".......once again. but if it helps with the dizziness, headache behind my eye and neck thing I'll be happy.
I am also very weepy, is this from the radiation?
Usually I am pretty strong, but as of yesterday I'm just not having any fun.
When I get home I take my little girl dog for a really short walk, but honestly, I've got to get out of the house or I am going to go koo koo!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Off. . . .

I go to radiation! Dr, Ahn says, "well you are 1/3 of the way through".
then he tell mes, they may do a few higher more concentrated doses on the area after the 15 are done. Yippie! so was that supposed to excite me?
Today, I have a neck ache, it reminds me exactly of the neck ache I was having before this nightmare began.
Is this a hear I go again moment?
I'm going to try some heat later on...sounding all too familiar, and this is me trying not to be paranoid.
We will do another MRI after the radiation, and pet scan to check my liver and lungs.
Feeling so happy happy joy joy right now....well off to get "lit" up

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Eh. . . .

is how I am feeling.
Tired after day four, and from what I understand will get more tired as it goes.
I have this kind of weird headache, it's hard to explain.
Kind of behind my eyes, sometimes it's in the back part of my head. but it's not the usual kind of headache. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's some kind of swelling, and that means , yes. . . more steroids, again.
I keep getting off of them only to go back on them.
I guess I'll have to see what Dr. Ahn says on Monday.
Friday when I had treatment I was kind of freaking out a little. and I'm just hoping it was because I didn't sleep too much Thursday night.
I kept thinking I was having some sensation in my head when I was having treatment.
Not real right?
Ok, I can do this...11 more to go.. (I hope)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Well. . . .

I am waiting to find out if I go in this afternoon or start tomorrow morning.
I am all consumed with this and can't stop thinking about it.
The unknown sucks!
I want some kind of guaranty that I'm not going to have any problems and that after I do this all of the cancer cells will be gone.
I keep thinking about my brain, and how I'm going to feel going through this.
Everything is bothering me right now, I mean everything.
I can't stop thinking about what happens inside your head when they radiate it. Low dose or not. Does your brain cook? Am I going to walk around like a zombie?
Honestly, I hate waiting. waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to start, waiting for this to be done, waiting for results...waiting waiting waiting

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Ok. . . .

so when I had radiation for my breast, I used a couple of different lotions/creams to help with skin stuff.
What I want to know is, do I slather stuff all over my head when I start the head/brain thing?
Guess it's a question I'll be asking next week. . . .

Friday, October 1, 2010

So. . . .

tired of waiting.
I want to get this overwith already!!