My. . . .

Breast MRI results are back and I've got an all clear!
that's great news.
Yesterday I got fitted for my new hat/mask thingie.
Really freaky.
I am really glad I did that part at Dr. Millers office, I like the guys that work there, and this was nothing like when I got tattooed for my breast radiation.
In the sense that nothing is hanging out, so that was actually welcomed.
They fit this hot wet mesh thing and pull it over your your face really fast...shut your eyes and don't move. I almost thought I was getting a facial. . .not! then it turns into a hard kind of plastic mold that they can use to snap over your face so you can't move your head during the radiation.
Then back to rolling oaks with it, for a CT scan and one more human pin cushion injection for contrast.
My veins are shot, and about the only place I can do anything at this point is in my left wrist and it friggin hurts!
I asked one of the techs when we may start this little escapade and he said perhaps as early as Monday.
Oh Boy!
This is just so surreal, I can't even explain it.
Eric shaved my head in the shower yesterday and I started crying, like I haven't been through this before, jeez get a grip Judy.
I just want to get through the month of October fast!

Off. . . .

to go get MRI of my breast.
Going by myself, that's weird and makes me feel kind of alone.
OH boy! another needle in my arm.
Funny I can't eat 4 hours before the MRI, so we went for breakfast and I wasn't really hungry, now all I can think about is food.
I'm not surprised.
Shaving my head tonight, then tomorrow get to have some SIM thing, and is that what the procedure is called or the actual fitting of the thing that they mold on my head?
How creepy!
Then back to Rolling Oaks with the "thing" for the Ct so they can get that info back to Radiation Onc. so he can map out the plan.
The plan, I am so tired of this.
Honestly, I don't really even think about it much until I sit down at my desk and all these appt slips and radiology orders, then it's like, oh yeah, this is me now.

Friday. . . .

gamma #3 went well and is done and over with.
They found a little something else growing there besides what we knew about, so the full brain radiation is a definite yes now.
As a matter of fact, Dr. A moved the Sim and CT scan up to next week, not on 10-7 as originally scheduled.
I say lets get this over with already!!
I'm shaving my head Tuesday night again, and I found a couple of cool scarves that I ordered, so we will go from there.
Mri on Monday for my breast, and yeah that's enough for now.

I. . . .

know I can do this right?
Gamma #3 tomorrow, no biggie I've done 2 already.
What scares the shit out of me is the whole brain radiation.
In about 2 weeks I get fitted with this mask/head thing, get a ct scan with it on, then Dr. M can do some kind of mapping of my brain and then the fun begins.
Radiation of my brain, 5 days a week or 4 or 5 weeks.
It's low dose, not like what they did 20 years ago, that's a real comfort.
See, there are no options here. The triple neg cancer is so aggressive, and because it likes to grow, radiation seems to be the only thing that can knock down the cells, and not to mention that it's the only option I have. Wait, I did mention it.
I am not thinking about the side effects other than the hair loss, once again...but it seems that this hair loss takes a bit longer to come back than chemo, if it all even comes back.
So in preparation, I'm shaving my head before the mask/head thing fitting.
I've also ordered a couple scarves that hopefully will come with some kind of tying directs or I'm screwed!
I had a really good cry last night, I just hope I'm done crying for a while.
Poke me with a fork, I'm done !!

So. . . .

where to start?
Saw Dr. Kaul, and the bone scan is clear as I knew it would be.
I told her about the itching in my right breast, the feeling I've been having in right underarm, and that my mammo and ultrasound was clear, but she decided that I need to have a breast MRI and I am scheduled for next Monday.
To be honest, I am really glad about that because there is no good reason as to why this is itching. If there are any cells there, we will be able to see them.
But, on another note, she said I've got to get more aggressive with my treatment with the brain thing. I'm going for Gamma number three on Wednesday, and she wants, as did the surgeon, full brain radiation. She said, this is an aggressive disease, and we need to treat it aggressively.
Ironically, Dr. A just called and said the MRI does show a recurrence. So, now what?
We zap it on Wednesday. I see his partner tomorrow, Dr. Miller. . .my Radiation Onc. to get info on the full brain radiation, and get our plan going. Dr. Kaul said we will be able to do a lower dose of radiation, and side effects should not be horrible.
I just feel like crying, I just want this all to stop and be over with. I feel like I've had enough already.
I can loose my hair again, I don't care about that, I just don't want any speech or memory problems, that scares the living shit out of me.
I know I'll get my "fight on" but I'm just not in that head space just yet.
Honestly, I just want to drive down and see Hannah, any excuse right! ha ha
Maybe I'll feel better after I see Dr. Miller tomorrow??

It's. . . .

been awhile since I've written anything. There has been so much going on and I just haven't really made the time to sit down and put my thoughts together.
I get my bone scan results back today when I see Dr. Kaul and I really feel like everything is fine.
I need to talk to her about the itching though, still driving me crazy!
I've got Gamma # 3 on Wed. and I'm not looking forward to it. I'd really like to be done this with already, but I guess this is what's going to be the hardest to get rid of.
So I've just got to go with it.
What is weighing heavily on my mind is Hannah.
We got her moved and I do miss miss her, but not in a weepy way. Many people told me It would be so hard and I'd cry a lot, but to be completely honest I haven't. I think about her constantly though. when I skyped with her yesterday I did cry when I saw her, maybe the realization set in that she's gone?? I don't really know how to explain it.
I cleaned her room and bathroom, I plan to straighten out her drawers.
Maybe after going through everything I've gone through her going off to college just won't bother me in the way I thought it might? hmmm.
What I think about the most is really stupid..... is she sleeping enough, and eating and is she going to get back in the water and get ready for her tryout?
Can I go see her next weekend, is that too soon? With Gamma on Wed. I'll be too tired to drive by myself on Sat. and the next Sat. are tryouts so that won't be a good day to go.
So that's where I'm at.
We've told her since she was little that college comes after high school to let her know what to expect, maybe in a way that's helped me too. hmmm.

Does. . . .

this sound strange?
My right breast itches ALL of the time. I mean ALL of the time. On the right side, underneath and mostly on the nipple.
I can be out in public and it is driving me crazy, and it's not like I can just do sometime about it. checking out at the market and. . .Oh excuse me while I scratch my boob.
I thought it might have something to do with the radiation I had.
Like nerve re-growth. That happened after chemo, but that was more of a tingly strange feeling.
And this has been going on for weeks and I really haven't told anyone about it...Dr wise that is.
I think I'm going to look it up on the TNBC site.
Tomorrow is the breast ultrasound and the bone scan.
Oh boy, I'll have a radioactive cocktail please, Yummmm.
And one more thought, small rant....why the hell do I have to go back next month for my mamo?
Why can't they do it all at one time? It's not like I'm not busy or something. . . .

Today. . . .

is Friday right?
For some reason I keep forgetting what day it is.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we are only a few days away from moving Hannah into college.
All of a sudden we have all these last minute things to get?? I decided to move everything downstairs (from the spare room to the living room) so we can go through it all.
What a colossal mess!
On top of all of all of this I got my Brain MRI results back yesterday, fun stuff...
Well, what do they say? third time's a charm?? what exactly does that mean? what the hell is a charm anyway? and why do we even say that?
Oh yeah, like I was saying. . .Brain MRI, yeah. . .
So I will be doing Gamma a third time as there is something else growing in my head as he suspected.
No new mets, but just a continuation of the tumor that won't die. Is that like one of those old Asian horror movies?. . .the blob, the thing, the tumor that won't die?
How do I feel about all of this. . .hmmmm. . . that's a really good question.
Being as though Hannah was sitting there when he told us, I didn't burst into tears like I normally would have, I saved that for later. I'm just do SICK of this. I mean I can do this, and I will do this and I will be strong, but I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my life measured in two and three month increments.
And then again, as Dr. A said, we don't know if/how this can affect my memory this time. The tumor doesn't seem to be deep, but he can't say for sure because of where this is located. And if someone else says don't worry about it, I think I am going to scream.
Time to process this, yet again.

Talk. . . .

about BS, I think I have ESP or something. Honestly I do!
So Sat. I told Eric this is really strange, but I don't think I have an appt for my Brain MRI.
I mean it's on my calendar, but I have this feeling. . . .
So I called Rolling Oaks, and sure enough nothing.
OK, I told her when and with whom I made the appt with, and she says, "oh you missed your appt., it was last Thurs. at 9:30" Oh really??
I asked then why was I not called with someone saying you've missed your appt? or better yet someone calling me to remind me I had an appt?
I wasn't snotty to her, as it wasn't her fault, and she was really nice and felt bad.
So we leave at no appt tomorrow, and then than screws up my appt with Dr.A. . .blah blah blah
That sucks! but wait, my faith has been restored :)
She calls me back, said she called her Mgr. and they are putting me in at 7:45 am tomorrow.
Hmmm...what movie do I want to watch??