Monday, September 26, 2011

MAYBE. . . .

If I blog this, I can somehow understand why I feel like this.
It's like when I put it down and send it off, I've somehow released it, can put it in perspective and try to move on.
I don't know, maybe I'm just full of shit!
The greatest day in my life? The day I had Hannah. I knew she'd be amazing.
The saddest day in my life? When I realized that there is nothing I can I teach her.
Well maybe I could teach her, but there is no receptor,
kind of like my triple negative, no receptor's....interesting,
just thought of that one, guess the brain function is returning here, I know the low dose steroids have made a big difference so far.
Back to it. . . .
I had no relationship with my mother and we barely spoke.
I wanted everything so different but maybe that's part of the problem, it's what I want, what I had wished and longed for in a mother.
Hmmmm. . . .
So really, it's not fair of me to put that expectation on her. Just thought of that too.
I have friends that have incredible relationships with there daughters, and to be honest, I am really envious of that, and wish I knew how to get to that place, if it's even possible to do that. I'm not a negative person, but I'm kinda thinking that'd be a no here.
So I'm thinking this is part of my journey too, and to be honest this all really sucks!
Maybe I'm in a mood, but I don;t think so.
Today has been pretty good, so. . . .

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