Why. . . .

is packing so much fun?
Getting Hannah packed for Jo's and then Hawaii at the same time..not my idea of a fun time.
And last minute, oh I need a ride to LMU ...by the way!
1 hour drive down, 2 hour practice, 1 hour drive back...
I am feeling tired still, and hoping I'll be good to go for the next 5 days. Not like I have a choice but I plan to keep myself strong..at least in my head. So if I'm good to go in my head then the rest will just follow right? Right!

Another one. . . .

of those sleepless nights. UGH!
Sometimes it takes forever for me to fall asleep, then I keep waking up all through the night. I kept thinking I have to get up soon to drive up north and I haven't packed yet. Then I remember I haven't packed yet, and I'm not leaving until Wed. morning.
The plan is to leave at 5am, although Hannah doesn't know we are leaving then...my little surprise. I hope she sleeps in the car for a while. We shall see.
We are doing a meet and greet w/college coaches from 1-3pm.
I hope that goes well, she is looking forward to it, so I am glad about that.
Now she's not opposed to looking at schools out of state. I'm glad about that too.
Not because I want her to go far, but because I want her to be open to anything and have options and choices, but most importantly, to not be afraid and step out of her comfort zone a little. Maybe she is growing up . . .just a bit :)

My eye. . . . .

hurts. I seem to like to sleep with my face in the pillow. How the hell do you breathe with your face in a pillow all night? Oh yeah, back to my eye. . . my eye and the right side of my face hurts and I have a headache. Ok, I'm done complaining about that. But what I really want to complain about is this port thing. I haven't talked about it in a while, so why not.
I HATE IT!! I sleep on my stomach and it sticks out of my chest, (I look like I have this big pimple thing because one of the little balls is really sticking out) I know this is hard to picture, so you'll just have to trust me on this...no pictures.
See, most of the time I don't think about cancer, or that I have it. . .technically I don't until I catch a glimpse of my self in the mirror, oh yeah bald head! or the fact that I can't fall asleep because I am so uncomfortable..port thing, so I hate the port. . .I blame the port, I transfer everything to the port, and I want it out, and when it's out I don't need chemo, or blood or anything and that means I don't have cancer anymore either. Simple!
Water polo, so lets see. . . .Hannah has LMU this weekend, I don't get to go watch. I'm too tired, and they have three games today. Eric is going today, and then everyone is having dinner after. . .I hate missing this. It's going to be a long day! But I get to go to Jo's so that will be fun.
We leave on Wed. . .at 5:30 in the am. Hannah is going to ride with me so I don't have to drive up alone. (Do you know the way to San Jose. . . . .stupid song!)
I'm excited for her. Three of her teammates are on the national team, so that means more play time. Jo's should be interesting this year. All the best teams are short players because of the national team, so outcome will be very interesting!
Eric flys up on Sunday for the day, then we drive back after her game and she leaves the next morning for Hawaii!
Am I sorry I cancelled my trip? hmmmm, yes and no.
But more no than yes, so it's all good.
So my plan for the day? go get my car washed, take a nap. . .slept like crap last night. . .maybe a pedicure? Not sure though because I seem to have a slight bathroom problem this am.
Hey you get it all here, the good, the bad and the poopie! ha ha
I know I have the life that everyone wants, so stand in line!

Why. . . .

does Lexi lay right under my feet? If I scoot my chair forward she's right there and Max lays on the floor right behind me. I'm trapped in here, in my office.
Today is the first day this week that I actually feel like I can do some work, so that is a good thing. I need to catch up with my paperwork.
Ok, so most people who can't fall asleep count sheep or toss and turn or?? I think about the stupid things, like water polo and what I have done for the last three years and I never really thought about what I have been doing.
When the coach fired me at the car wash (from my high paying job) I thought he has no idea what I do, and until last night, I didn't really even know. So I thought I would list it all.
After all, it's all about me. . .
All emails and team correspondence...all the parent emails, does she need her parka, what pool, what time, where do I get that form, (coach never even knows about all of those)
text messages to Girls
all Fundraisers..car wash, wreaths (oh wreaths, sorting in my garage by myself), popcorn, etc
all money and spreadsheets (accounting for the treasurer)
Ahh, my personal fave...suit fit in the locker room
T-shirts, team suits, sweat shirts, back packs, embroiderer
sign up sheets for snack bar, sign up sheets/order forms for above
Website, which I designed, maintained and pay for here's a link I'm really proud of this:
http://www.eteamz.com/RoyalGirlsh20polo/index.cfm?
(of course right now barely anything on it cuz it's summer)
photo's at every game, and even JV and Frosh so we have some pics to use
And what I am most proud of My memory book and the slide show.
(never mind the stuff that I do on the board as the secretary, that's gonna change too, I am cutting way back on that...yep)
See I love to do all of this and has been important to me to help and give something back, but the funny thing...the coach has never one time said "thank you". Not once, he dislikes me, but allows me to do this stuff. I don't get it, he has never even asked me or Hannah how I am feeling. I've been helping him for THREE years.
I know it's strange that I am writing so much about him lately maybe this is my way of kind of purging myself and trying to understand so I can move on. After all this will be her last year in high school.
Do I help him again? I'm just not sure, I've already had parents emailing me asking why I haven't been sending out emails. . . . . I say nothing.
It does feel better to write about this and get it out, we will see what the year brings

Thank you......

for dinner's Lewis's and Ritz's.
We REALLY appreciate you doing this for us.
I feel like crap, had some bad nausea today, started seeing little stars floating around.
Isn't that the worst?
It's so hot outside, I wanted to go just go out for a little but just can't do it.
Hannah has a game tonight, can't go, and probably won't make the the LMU tourney this weekend...perhaps Sunday.
Will just depend on time, game (s) weather, me. . .and me. . . we will see.
Hope she plays well again.
Past Sunday (last game), she had 8 out of 11 goals...her HS coach never even said good job.
He can never compliment her, on anything. I listen to him yell and scream at her all weekend long, after 3 years it is so old.
What the hell has she ever done to him except show up and play, and try her best.
At one point he text me and told he was done coaching, I can't even remember how many times he has said this. If he's so miserable why doesn't he just do it then?
At one point he was standing over two players that were mouthing off to him, and he was going to spit on them, I finally had to say "that's enough". Then I get dirty looks from the two girls....
One parent said it was so bad with him on Friday (we were not there) that her daughter complained to her...she apparently never says anything to her mom. She said it was bad with the coach and these two girls, one would think a coach would kick someone off a team for that kind of behavior, but he allows it. Amazing.

ugh. . .

fun stuff. NOT!

So. . . .

tired.
Long weekend, thank god summer HS water polo tourneys are over YAY!!!
Not so much that the sun fries me which it does, but the heat was unbearable this weekend.
Had three girls with me and what a joy to be around them. I love them, makes all of this so worthwhile. (and I am really thankful that they allow me to kind of "tag along" if you will, this is the part that really keeps me going) thank you Hannah, Kat and Lily. I told them that at dinner last night, makes me weepy to think about it.
I of course snored all night long, so I kept switching positions, thinking if I laid this way or that way I would stop. They told me how funny it was on the ride home. Eric got me a Garmin, and I still went the wrong way, seems every time I go to these things, I have the three of them, and I get lost, Kat was so proud of my navigation skills until the ride home today! funny stuff.
Now for the yucky stuff, tomorrow is the round iv of the toxic combo. . . .I really need to get some sleep tonight and get myself in the right head space for this.
Gotta up the prednisone, lucky me. I can do this, I've done three others, but to be completely honest, I just don't want to go through this tomorrow. I guess I really just don't want to go through this at all, I mean who would?
One mom said today, " Oh, I really need to loose some weight" that's when I told her to try the chemo diet. She said, oh no thanks! It was cool.
See I didn't intend to be smart ass, part of me is just on this , (what ever John Fletcher called it) my "shit" quota is full and I'm not taking any, don't want to listen to any and won't be around any. Does not mean I don't have sympathy, because I feel like I have a really big heart, but honestly unless you are going through this or something like there is NO WAY you can get that concept. (the shit quota concept)
Just not the same as being impatient, and so on, it's like you really are faced with your mortality, and you think about what you really want to listen to, or want to put up with, or even surround yourself with.
I go back to I think it's ok to speak your mind, and be a little selfish and figure out how to take care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually and physically. (sometimes it might not be pretty for others) and there is a balance, but sometimes, it's just gonna come.

My.....

Boss is amazing!!
I had the most upsetting phone call this am, from a poor excuse of a "customer".
I sent Doug, our company's owner, an email so he would have it when he got back from vacation and he answered me. (I wanted him to know what was going on) Wow, he's on vacation, out of the country, and takes the time to email me because he's worried I am upset. I would say that is pretty amazing.
Thank you Doug~!!

Wow. . .

I am shocked. . . . maybe I'm not!

Who...

gets stung by a bee on the pinkie finger? Me! I have never been stung before, hurts like a !
Went to Dr., counts are low but should be OK by next week, and I got the appts all set up through September, then we still need to do October....I think I should be done with chemo 1st week in November. Wow, that is almost unbelievable to me. Hard to wrap my mind around this.

kind of. . .

at a loss for words. Can you imagine??
Actually I have a bunch of things I'd like to say but if I did I would probably piss some people off, and I am really just wondering if it is worth it. I just have this I don't really care thought process at this point in my life, and if someone doesn't get "me" or "it", well too bad.
At some point don't I have to think about what is best for me? what causes me less stress? what makes me happy? I kind of think I do, and I want to be a little selfish for a change and if someone doesn't like it well... shove off, I'm sick of being used.
good bad or indifferent, my blog, my feelings. . . . . . . . .
random, my dog is snoring! lol
Round IV next Monday...ah dreaded Monday and last of the toxic combo. This one should put me right over the edge. Can hardly wait!

OK....

so I'm not the sales person I think I am. At least not with the doc. That would be a NO to pushing chemo to 8-2...as she so eloquently put it.. is it worth risking your life?
Well seriously, I never really thought about it like that, so my answer was, "uh, well since you put it that way...uh no, I guess not" "Fine", she said, "we will continue, you will have chemo on the 20th, which is 3 days early and you will be fine for your Nor Cal trip and if you have to, you will just up your steroids". YAY me!!!
Today I only took 2 Imodium this am, so things are looking up, however I have been pukey all day long and quite honestly have not felt like working today. Tomorrow will be better. right?
So the plan is this, round IV 7-20-09....Stanford 7-29-09...then when I get back I get to start Taxol which will be once a week for 12 l o n g weeks, then radiation I guess. (she said I should tolerate this pretty well) Oy!!
And don't even get me started on this college stuff, that gets an oy oy!!
(that's yo backwards) ha ha
And Holly and Rene, thank you for the good wishes, I truly appreciate!!

so many choices, which one??

Let the....

party begin! not exactly. Lets see... today I think I'm off my anti nausea and just like clockwork the joys of uc seem to be upon me.
Am I glad I work from home? uh, yeah!
Hopefully I will be able to actually get some work done before I need to fall asleep as that was what I did the whole weekend. Except I did go to the market for my big outing. Fun stuff, yeah I know how to have a good time.
Speaking of which, did someone say, "renew your drivers license?"
hey baldie, want to get your picture taken??
So I call the DMV, can I get an extension please?. . . well, if you were in New York and sent a letter post marked from New York, saying you will be in New York...WTH!
(g rated.. not really what I wanted to say for those of you that know me best)
So to buy a wig or not to buy a wig, that IS the question. And time is a tick tocking away here, so lets here the pros and cons and I still wont listen but it gives me something to think about.

4th of July..

Ok 4 days after chemo, I still feel like crap. I feel pukey and I have not been out of the house so I am trying to get myself together so I can go to the market. (of all places)
At least it's out...I feel like a slug and I am trying to push through this but am having a hard time.
I slept pretty much all day yesterday and kind of feel like doing the same thing again.
Happy 4th of July

I feel. . .

like I am from another planet. Round three done. woke up kind of pukey this am, hope it doesn't last all day. -sigh