Ever. . . . .

hear the saying, " If the cancer doesn't kill you the treatment will?"
So Sunday is supposed to be the day I start to feel better, or so I thought.
I had this figured out that Sunday is my better day, Monday a little better, then chemo and mega doses of steroids on Tuesday....then it starts all over again.
WRONG...I drug myself out of the house for my big outing, the market and walked around like a zombie, only to come home and resume Saturdays position on the couch.
I slept all day Saturday, laid on the sofa all day Sunday but manged to make some kind of crock pot stuff for Eric because he worked all weekend.
He's killing himself...working like this, taking care of me..this is a pity party... a little, but he sure got the short end of the stick I'd say.
I couldn't sleep last night, so it makes it really hard to try and be positive. I really do try, but I just can't seem to muster it up, and I was hoping to get a good day in here before tomorrow.
My body just really hurts and in really strange places. Like my butt, my hips, legs, feet, fingers, toes...besides the arms, and ribs and muscles....
Why on earth is taxol the preferred drug here? someones idea of a really cruel joke!

I. . . .

Hope I can get through these next 9 weeks. This just gets worse as it goes, and nothing I eat or drink tastes right.
Trying to to pick my self up a little, but I have to admit this is so hard. Yesterday, Friday was the worst day yet. Grrrrrrr.
Gonna see if Hannah will go get me a tea from starbucks.....

Wednesday. . . . .

So I'm having an ok day....went to the office and had a really nice birthday lunch!! Thank you EVERYONE!!!
I took a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night and I am glad that I did because this not sleeping at night is driving me crazy.
How am I feeling now? still wired from all of the steroids, and feeling tired at the same time if that makes sense??? it's so hot outside, but I know when I try to go to sleep tonight it will be another one of those nights, and I am dreading tomorrow because it's Thursday and I know what starts on Thursday...my fingers and toes are already getting numb so it's starting a little early...fun stuff, NOT
Still waiting for the 3 day info to come, I don't want to sign up until I get it and really read up and watch the video, because once I make the commitment I am in it and I can't back out.
The 1st thing I need to do is think of a team name...something to do with TNBC will have to ask Leslie for help here... c'mon my Witty girl friend!!
My plan for tomorrow is to do some work, and try and get my self back to a pattern, maybe since the UC has calmed down I can just deal with the pain and aches and work a partial day.
That is my plan, so we will go with that!

You....

know you've had a great dinner the night before when you wake up in the morning, in my case 4am, and can't stop going to the bathroom!
Well, in my case it's not really the dinner, it's more like the newly formed friendship (no pun intended) of the taxol and uc.. hey maybe i'm on to something "taxoluc" or perhaps taxol-u lop-o-lis..I like that, Ummmm dr. Kahl, I would like to explain taxolulopolis and the principals of poop o lopolis to you. They are closely related and there is a molecular balance that must occur in order for one to work completely within the other, and therefore it is quite complicated and the balance must be achieved for success, but I do believe this can be obtained....
yeah, fun stuff, NOT
So the big 50 yesterday, and it was nice day, thanks to imodium. :) well, I'd like to say it helped me get out of the house, so that i could have a nice day.
Eric wanted to take me to lunch, but these days, food is not my friend, well actually it has nothing to do with the food, as is does not matter what I ingest.. (more a less), ok yeah so back to me, because it's all about me...
So no lunch, the thought of another public bathroom after albertsons is not something I really want in my future. No lunch, but I asked for a rain check...was able to get out of the house around 11, we went and got me some pj bottoms, cause I lounge a lot these days, yeah I'm a real lady of leisure these days, and a new nose ring.
Dinner was GREAT we went to Ruths Chris, couldn't eat too much, but Hannah will have a great lunch.
Hannah bought me some perfect earrings (I am so picky) I love them. Ok ready for this, she had the girls write me cards and put them into a book, I looked at this and started crying, thinking about it, makes me want to cry, but it gave me some hope and some strength and she has no idea how much that little gesture meant.
My bubba, gave me some money that he has been saving since I started this thing because I have been wanting another tattoo, and I am sure that may be shocking to some, maybe not, but I have been wanting a Kanji and a Lotus flower for some time. Now it has so much more meaning. I have been looking for a tattoo artist for about 2 years, and I found an amazing one, in all places simi...but she is the real deal. when I started chemo, I found out I had to wait until after chemo. . .so whats a few more months? I'll go see her soon, and have her draw something, and then...it'll give me something to look forward to. Oh yeah my tattoo rule for women, never anyplace that sags! gross old woman + saggy tattoo = GROSS!!! find a laser Dr.
Ok, so the nose ring...on my birthday. yes I have a nose ring, have had it for quite some time...tiny tiny and I love it. No midlife crisis, wanted it for a long time, ok so I get a tiny tiny solid gold nose bone (tiny ball on both ends....) got the picture, yeah..so I'm gonna put it in myself. WRONG needless to say, on the way back from dinner Hannah, Eric and I stopped at Nathans and we waited, Hannah finds a fedora in there, cha-ching...anything else you'd like Hannah?, can I interest you in two hats perhaps you'd like that lovely big gold thing hanging there? what the hell is that for??
anyway, you have to stretch the little tiny hole out to get the little tiny ball through...2 times 2nd time it's a little bigger, but she put numbing stuff on, it works doesn't it??
yeah, happy b.day to me I say, she says, oh..Happy Birthday, on the house!
Driving home with my new nose ring Eric says, is that permanent? how do you take it out? what if you want to change it. say I.."you go back and have her cut it off" he asks again...it's permanent, you can't change it LOL!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! LMAO!! ha ha
I love it!

Well. . . . .

I am really trying to feel better, but chemo # 2 sucks big time.
Thursday starts with the aches and pain. And I'm talking been hit in the ribs kind of pain.
I now have a have a bladder infection and my UC is starting up officially. Upped prednisone to 10mg, and taking diarrhea medicine too. hey the fun never stops. I figure no one is even reading reading this anymore because it's too depressing!
Oh yeah, the big 50 on Monday. I am exhausted.
We are having the girls over for a bbq later, or I should say Hannah is. Trying to get house cleaned up and got most of the stuff. I am really glad some of the girls are bringing salads and such because beyond making some dip, I'm low energy today.
Yesterday when my reg dr called and said I have the bladder infection from hell I started crying, it was about that time Eric said he had to go to work. I don't blame him.
This is so hard on him.
The 1st round of chemo was hard but easier, this taxol lasts another 10 weeks, and honestly, I am trying so hard, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't feel good.

Tuesday. . . . . .

ok, so chemo #2....10 more weeks to go
It would seem that I now have some kind of inner ear infection on top of everything else. This just sucks.
How am I supposed to be positive and feel better emotionally and spiritually when I feel like shit physically? How did I get to this place?
One good thing today I think I may be going to a cancer retreat in October ...I am waiting to get more info from them.
I am also thinking about doing the 3-day in October 2010....it will take about a year for me to train considering I have 10 more weeks of chemo then radiation...and for how long that goes I have no idea at this point.
I saw my reg Dr. today too and she is going to try to translate what the Onc Dr told me, because I have no idea what is going on, other than 10 weeks of chemo and radiation.
It's so frustrating not to know what is coming or at least (at the very least) what to expect. I think this is why I am so upset. Because I have no knowledge, and I don't want to just research because my situation has nothing to do with someone else's (sorry someone else)
I don't what what a marker is, how we determine what it is or what mine is if I even have it.
I don't know when I see the Rad Dr, how long that will last..or who he/she even is
I don't know if I am having another mamo or pet ct, if I am when, what does that determine
I don't know if the cancer is gone, if it's spread
I don't want to be told, "oh it will be fine" or "it will work"
I just want some basic information so that I have knowledge and I feel like I know what is going on with my body and my cancer.
Is this too unreasonable?

Another. . . .

sleepless night!
I still feel like I've been run over by a truck. I need to talk to onc dr on Tues about how I am feeling. This is pretty awful.
Leslie, thank you for your am humor. . . . .pancakes and cow pies. yum

Wow. . . .

I feel like I've been run over by a truck.
My body hurts and aches so bad. If this is from the 1st round of taxol, what are the next 11 going to feel like?
Had the taxol on Tues.... started feeling pukey on Wed. that went away....started feeling kind of shakey on Thurs. and last night I started this "I feel like my upper body and ribs and been punched". I am so sore!
I really need to get out of the house today...

Ok. . . .

so the nausea is gone, that's a good thing, but I feel shaky. Kind of a strange feeling, hard to explain.
Tomorrow I am going to DMV to get my bald picture drivers license. I am really disgusted with this. Just pisses me off!
My hair is starting to grow back...sort of, what I can see is all white, maybe it's blond! I refuse to get it colored after it grows back in. I have been set free. . . . .
All the back to school stuff is starting for Hannah now. We did a retake of her Sr. pics yesterday.
So funny, the photographer sets up this fake balcony, and tell s her she can sit on it, that it will be fine and turns around and she and the whole thing topples over! LOL..she asked if he got an action shot, of course he didn't. That would be a great one to send out on announcements! Can't wait to see the proofs, she did a quick look through and liked what she saw...thank god!!
Wow, she's going to be a Sr!!

chemo. . .. ..

today.
Was feeling ok until about 1 hour ago, here comes the nausea. Thought I would escape it, lucky me and so here come the drugs, once again.
I will have to take something to sleep tonight, because last night I was up pretty much all night due to the steroids, and today I took them before chemo and then got some more while at chemo, so aside from the profuse sweating I have been having all day...(like the hot flash that never ends) I'm just having a ball! wooo hooo
Asked Dr how this will work now, and from what I can remember, because I can't seem to remember my conversation with her today, she said we would go through the 12 weeks, I will rest for about 3 before I do the radiation. This what I am confused about...I will go have a mammogram or another scan to check the markers?? wtf....then I will have a starting point so we can make sure cancer is gone, which she is sure it will be, then go see Rad. Dr and he will get me ready for that process that I have no idea about...like how long, how often etc, etc,etc....
I think I have this done closer to the end of the chemo and before I see the next dr. I think.
Who the hell knows!
Hannah is home yay! Her flight was supposed to leave around 8:30 last night, they left at 2:30am.....something wrong with the plane. what else is new? So airline gives them all a $7 voucher for the trouble..that was good for a muffin on the plane. Way to go Delta!
Unbelievable ending to this trip!
DMV this Friday??? hello baldie???

Tuesday. . . .

is the start of Round II.
Oh boy, can hardly wait!!
At least I am out of the funk I was in last week, and let me say I was not feeling too good both emotionally and spiritually. Combo of being so tired, not feeling good and missing Hannah.
She comes home tomorrow, and I know she is ready, for the most part it's been a horrible trip but I am proud to say I kept things really positive and supported her as much as I could and did not let her know how upset I have been at what's been going on over there.
Coach should be ashamed of his behavior and treatment of the girls, well all girls other than one.
And the fact of the matter is, the entire team has been upset and disgusted by this so I know it's not just mine for a change. What a cluster f... I have had people not on the trip calling me asking me what is going on over there...like I know.
I feel like I am in a better place though to start tomorrow. It will be along haul...chemo once a week for 12 weeks. 12 weeks. wow
I start a new steroid tonight, Dr says I probably won't sleep, so I will take a benedryl and then right before bed, take the steroids and see how I do.... it's kind of strange that what I am concerned about is sleeping. Oh well, that's ok.
I am working today and trying to get some things done, so that is good.
And basically, that's about it for now.

Honestly. . . .

I have felt so crappy all week. So tired, sleeping alot and really depressed. I haven't had a week like this one yet where I haven't been able to shake it off. That's partially why I didn't write anything for a couple of days.
Today I feel a little better, dinner with everyone last night really helped, it was fun, we laughed, and it was great.
The flowers and smoothie yesterday was really nice too, thank you Sylvia!
I miss Hannie too! she's having fun in Hawaii and I am so glad.
So, that's it for now.

Ok. . .

so enough about me. . . . .
Jo's were, interesting.
The meet and greet went well, Hannah spent about 2 hours talking to different coaches so that was a great experience for her.
We have some wonderful families and I loved hanging out with them. I think we, the parents, had way more fun than the girls!
Our girls played great, although we did not get into the medal round, we took 7th place in the platinum round and considering we were missing Ashly (our set) our girls played hard and did well and we were all really proud of the job they did, go LA!!
Now we will see what the fall has in store for us, some talk about Kyle taking over the 18 A team.
College wise, let the games begin.
Hannah has been contacted by Bucknell, and when she gets back from Hawaii she has to follow up with Davis, UCSD, Marist and of course Kyle. Who is amazing!
He has offered to help help her, she adores him and would love to go to LMU and play for him, but may not be in the cards. . .
So, we go where it takes us and should be an exciting ride.
Hawaii update. . . .
Yesterday she had 5 out of 6 goals our team scored..Go Hannah!
She's gonna have some fun in Hawaii and should be an interesting high school season.
Hey Mom gets to brag a little, she's been working her ass off for four years with club and she deserves it!

No . . . .

Chemo today.
Thank god I had the week wrong, I have one more to go and I start new series next Tuesday. This would have been a really bad day to start as my mouth is killing me.
Good news I got a bunch of stuff from Dr. today so we will see how it goes.
I get to start a new dose of steroids next week and I am not looking forward to that or some of the side affects with new chemo, so I am just not going to think about any of this today. I'll try to digest it later and then figure out my plan for next Tuesday.
Hannah's in Hawaii, gonna play her 1st game this am and all should be good.
She's in a good room with no drama girls..THANK GOD!!
I was afraid of a possible room assignment but thankfully that didn't happen, so all will be good in Hawaii.
Aloha!

Where do. . . . .

I even start about the last 5 days?
I am fried, so I will have to think about this tomorrow.

My mouth hurts so bad I can hardly even talk, I have two enormous sores on the side of my tongue. I am having a hard time swallowing and they hurt like a bitch! My left ear even hurts.
this started two days ago and I am having some fun now!

Like I said, tomorrow.