OK. . . .

so I went to my 1st treatment this am.
When I got up on the table I just started crying.
I'm not sure if it was because I was scared, or because I am faced with I'm having radiation. . .I have cancer.
I just found myself lying there thinking I have to pull it together.
It was interesting, I am having 4 areas "radiated" and today took a little longer than it will normally, as she had to kind of line everything up and check it all out, take a couple of xrays, marked me up a bit.
Then I had the treatment, one on the top, two from an angle on the side and one from underneath on the back. .(for nodes in the back). .
Then we went over my skin and what I can use and where to put it. Lets just say I'll be covering a large area from the top of my shoulder/neck, to under my right breast, right armpit and then back up my back to the top of my shoulder/neck. make sense?? I'm going to ask her again tomorrow.
All I know is I have to go buy this gi-normas bottle of lotion that the Dr. likes to use at costco, or I can use smelly aloe vera...no thanks!
So we'll see

What. . . .

I am wondering about is how radiation will go.
It starts tomorrow and I just feel a little scared about the unknown.
Had a horrible migraine last night and couldn't sleep, so am not feeling great today and maybe why I'm a little freaked out about starting tomorrow. I am containing it though, but it's kinda "if-fy"
I was hoping to get some work done this weekend but I couldn't get on my desktop at the office, so I accomplished nothing. Grrrrr, would have been a great distraction.
Oh well. . . .will see what tomorrow brings.

Thanksgiving. . . . .

I am so thankful to be here and to feel pretty good today!
Rachel made us an amazing apple pie, it is too beautiful eat.
(but we will!!) YUM

I. . . .

think chemo makes your eyes bad!
I went to get my eyes examined yesterday and WOW! I knew I was having a bit of a problem, but I had no idea how much my eyesight has changed for the worst. Enough said.
The radiation countdown has begun, and I am just not looking forward to going through this. I really just keep trying to push it out of my mind every time it creeps in, but to be completely honest, it scares the crap out me.
Honestly, we won't need to put up our Christmas lights, I can just go stand out in the yard at night. I can put on a Santa hat and wave to everyone as they drive by. Kind of funny when you think about it. Yeah.
I went and saw Christine yesterday, my chemo buddy, she finally had surgery. I don't even know what to say, or how to process what she is going through. She is so strong and so brave and at the same time so scared about the fact that she feels like they she still has cancer in her body and they didn't get it all. All I could tell her was to be as positive as she can, she has to believe that they did. What do you say to some one that has gone through two major surgeries, and had everything removed, and I mean everything. My thoughts and prayers are with her.

Today. . . .

is Saturday!!
Eric is not working today, (thank god!!) And we are going to start putting up our Christmas lights.
I know, some people think this is crazy, but we turn them on every year Thanksgiving Day. By now, we would have had most of it done, but with him working 7 days a week, nothing seems to get done.
I haven't had the energy to much of anything, today I feel pretty good.
I had a a horrible migraine Thursday night, and I thought when I woke up yesterday I wasn't going to feel good enough to go to our Holiday lunch/party.
Our party was great, and I am once again overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of my boss and his family. I love them!
I really am looking forward to getting back to work. I am planning on going to the office on Monday so I can check out some of our new stuff, so I know what the heck I'm selling!!
Hannah had a scrimmage on Tuesday, I may threaten to go unless she promises to take pics on the bus for me, or maybe I can recruit someone to do this...Maybe LILY?? Just give her my little camera. . . . . . .
So I'm thinking today will be a good day, and tomorrow will be as well!

Not. . . .

too much going on today, kind of nice for a change.
Just the same numbness in my fingers/hands. . . .This goes back to normal when???
I cut prednisone down to 15 mg today.
Eric read last night that the swelling will take 3-6 months...yes MONTHS... to go away completely.
I don't even know what to say about this, so I choose not to accept this, and have decided it will start going down now, even if it's in my own head.
(technically it is, in my my head, or face if you will.
So, that's about it for right now.
Tomorrow is a work "holiday" lunch, which should be nice and also interesting because I feel self conscious, but I am just going to have to get over it.
(the self conscious part that is)
We'll see.

Saw. . . .

the surgeon today.
She said the Mammo is clear. I got that report last last week, but still good to hear directly from her.
She wanted to know if I have a scan scheduled yet. . .and she wants to get a full Mammo after Radiation, not just the one side. (like what I just had done)
Also, after Radiation, and the new scan, if it all looks good I can this "PORT" thing removed, but she said all of this has to go through my Onc. Dr.
I am guessing sometime during radiation I will talk to her as well??
Just not sure how the next part of this works, but hey I'm on my 3rd week here with no chemo, so that's pretty much all I care about right now.
The way I am feeling today is kind of strange though. . . . .
My fingertips still numb and hurt, I guess this just takes some time, and I woke up feeling kinda foggy and I haven't been able to shake it.
I still expect to just feel like how I've always felt, before chemo.
A little frustrating.
I go to bed between 7:30 and 8:30pm, 8:30 is pushing it a little, I still get REALLY tired, even if I've done nothing all day long.
I get up between 6:30 and 7:00am. . .So I get a lot of sleep. (although I'm up on and off all night due to these strange sweats I now experience)
More fun stuff.

It's. . . .

Sunday.
Believe it or not, I am actually doing some work. Wow!
I just got my book ready to go for December. I can't wait to get back to work. . .
I am so ready for normal I can't stand it. Funny.
I see the surgeon tomorrow, and she will go over the mammo and ???
So plans for the week, REST, do some baking, maybe a little cleaning and start to get ready for the Holidays.
That all sounds kind of normal.
Now on a different note, so I've cut my prednisone down to 20 mg, and I think my swelling is starting to go down, so that's good thing. Mind you, I'm still REALLY swollen, but it is dissipating just the tiniest bit, so that makes me happy.
What is really weird is yesterday I woke up with pink eye. Yes PINK EYE. What the hell?
So I am doing the eye drop thing, and my eye feels better today.
I think I have some kind of curse.
Not funny!

Today. . . .

is Thursday.
My second full week without any chemo. I am so thankful that part is over.
How am I feeling? Hmmmmmm
A little tired which is to be expected,
a lot bored, knowing me to be expected.
Still have some issues symptom wise, (gonna take a while to heal and clear up) Also to be expected. . .I guess.
Mentally still a little foggy, so overall it's gonna take some time.
Today so far, it's a good day and I am thankful!
We received some "famous" short ribs from Jimmy and we are really looking forward to dinner tonight. I have heard about these before but have never had them.
Eric says these are out of this world. Can't wait!!
And on the Hannah front, her letter came yesterday, she signed it, Eric sent it back today and I emailed the Coach to let him know it's "on the way!"
He said when they receive it they are going to do a press release on their website.
How cool is that?? WOW!!
Now.. . .gonna look for some kind of chocolate mousse recipe.
Doesn't that sound GOOD???

Where. . . .

did these past 6 months go?
I am in a bit of a fog this morning.
Thankfully nothing like the night before, although I ate dinner at 4 pm, and made sure not to eat anything else so I would not have a repeat of Sunday night.
This morning I just feel kind of drugged and foggy and hence, where did the last 6 months go?
I am wondering if I will feel somewhat of how I felt before or just kind of this tired spacey feeling I have right now. I'm guessing not. This has to pass, because who could function like this this?
Honestly, am I going to feel that much better in two weeks? So I get to feeling a little better and then the radiation just knocks me down? I have no mind set, it's more of a question to the universe here.
If I have anything to say about it, I'll sail through this part, and that's what I'm going to be aiming for.
I'm not taking anything to sleep, which is great and for the most part I'm sleeping OK. I cut my prednisone down to 25 mg. . . .I have no idea how long it's going to take all of the swelling to go down, (i'm still so swollen) but I'd like it if it would hurry up already and do something!
Hello, Halloween is over and the pumpkin face has got to go!
So yeah, on a more POSITIVE note...waiting for the mail today. . .
Yup..coach overnighted Hannah's "Letter of Intent". . .and she plans to sign and then will officially be the 1st pick "#1 recruit" for UCSD women's water polo. . .and best part, she is in at UCSD her #1 College choice! WOW!! How the hell did this happen?
It's about time that something good comes. So welcomed at this point in all of our lives.
Now we just have to figure out how to pay for it!!
Her recruiting trip was amazing, the girls were wonderful and she already loved the school. Coach and Asst are great, Wow!
We told her all of the BS she had to deal with these last four years with high school, was just that...high school. The only thing that really mattered were her grades and her hard work has paid off, and now she is set her on her path. (And, in one of the hardest schools to get into)
My little "Triton" girl! so EXCITING!!!!

Reds. . . .

what was I thinking?
I have been so careful about what I have been eating because of the mouth sore (I still have)..I am still taking prilosec for the esophagus issue I am still having. . . and yeah, I'm up at 1am, attempting to recover from throwing up in my sleep. Yes , that would be me. . .fun stuff.
I am trying to recover this morning from this lovely burning sensation. Eric and I sat and talked for a while until this calmed down a bit, and he told me that I was going to start feeling better this week, so I am going to hold him to it!
Like yesterday wasn't a another whirlwind day unto itself!
Driving round trip to UCSD to go pick up Hannah from her recruiting trip (by myself..on Friday Eric drove. I need my head examined. (more on this later)
And. . .lastly. . . I get to have my girls squished soon, so I have to get going.
Hoping it's not like last weeks experience, where I encounter some kind of clothing malfunction or something!
Sheesh!

Where. . . . .

should I start?
I fell in garage on Thursday and thought I broke my right thumb, I tripped over one of Eric's boxes. Yeah. I have concluded that I have a major sprain because I can kind of move it now. (my thumb that is)
Yesterday was the whirlwind trip to UCSD. OMG!!!
We get down there, and thankfully have time, because yes, we get lost on this GI-NORMAS campus. Need I say anymore?
We are all yelling at other, Hannah and I are yelling at Eric, she's gotta go to the bathroom, (what else is new?)LOL!!
So we finally double park someplace so she can get out and go. After a while we find a campus police station, and get some directions to the pool. JEEZ!!! good thing we were early!
The pool facility is really nice, the pool is just about 4 years old, they have 2 pools at this aquatics center.
We met the coach, and watched practice. I actually had a great conversation with one of the girls. She is a freshman, and very similar background to Hannah. Was a club swimmer, then started playing club polo and polo in HS.
Super nice girl, she said all of the girls were so excited to meet Hannah, they have all been looking forward to this. (it was really nice and pretty cool!)
Then we went and sat with the coach and his asst. he went through a lot of things, but what was most important, was that he told Hannah, how her hard work has earned her entrance to this university. that can't be denied, and UCSD does not recruit athletes that do not have the GPA and SAT score.
(so in other words, her team mates will be there for their education as well as the polo)
It's a really good fit. And being as though this is her top pick, just so ironic how this whole thing has come into play.
So the Coach really wants her, and he told this, and we could see how proud she felt and how good it made her feel to know that she has been recognized and that she's he top recruit. He will mail the letter of intent on Monday and if she signs it, she is good to go. As far as she can "breathe", she's in and then the rest of it starts. (and OMG, there is SO MUCH!!!)
So, we wait to see how her trip went, so far she said the girls were really nice, and our guess is they will be great, because if the coach finds out otherwise, have a feeling he won't be too happy if they scared her off!!
As for me. . . .yeah, same stuff different day??
I am just exhausted. Eric says I need to remember, I just finished chemo, I've been getting this crap in my body for 26 weeks, and I'm not going to feel "normal" (I love that word) for a while, so try to relax, and remember this.
So, that is where I am today. Tomorrow, I am doing the drive down to La Jolla to pick her up at 9am. Gonna meet the coaches for breakfast and then we will drive back . . . . . . .
My hope, that this was amazing for her. She deserves to go to the school she wants, and we will do what ever we can to make sure this option is there for her.

So. . . .

I go to have my markings and my CT scan this afternoon.
Kinda weird.
I go to have the first part done, an x-ray and the marking part.
The little permanent tattoo dots they mark with you with. I am guessing that's where they will aim the radiation at . . . .
I guess for me, the odd part of all of that was just laying there with my girls, (well my girl and a half) exposed the whole time, and the "techs" doing this are guys of course.
And honestly as I lay there, I'm just thinking, they aren't looking at me like wow look at those scars, it's just another x-ray...and I am fine with that, I just would have liked it if they covered me up when they weren't doing anything. . . .
Then we leave, Eric is with me, and we drive over to where I am having the CT scan done.
Ok, let me say this...I'm tired today and little crabby, I didn't sleep good last night, my mouth hurts today...yeah yeah, complain, complain. (so the mood has been set)
I'm called in, and given a gown with 3 arm holes and a pair of bottoms.
Put the gown on with the opening in the back. . . .
Ok, I go into the room and proceed to put the gown on with 3 arm holes. How does this work? what is the front and the back, and basically what the hell?
I finally manage to get this "thing" on, it's too tight and choking me around the neck and I can't get off. Plus, she puts me in room, with no place for me to put my stuff, so I have to figure how to get out of this thing. It's like a friggin straight jacket, I am NOT kidding.
I finally get it over my head, I'm now sweating..because hey, steroids are my friend, and well, I'm a little pissed.
I put my clothes back on, go out to the little tiny skinny girl, looks like she weighs about 90 lbs, and I say, it doesn't fit, it might fit you, and I'm not changing out of my pants.
Hey, now I'm in control!
She says all of the gowns are mixed up, so she just grabbed one, I wanted to say someone should organize them, perhaps you could check the size, since you do this everyday and probably know where the size of this stupid thing would be located, I mean, a bunch of things ran through my chemo brain, I resisted though.
She said if your bottoms don't have metal in them, then you don't need to change them. Metal, yeah, I'm carrying a bomb around in my sweats.
So, I go in for the CT Scan, and the tech guy tells me I'll be having contrast die, so I'll be getting an iv, ok no biggie. Gets the bee-bee on the tattoos, and then runs the scan...and done!
So, now all of this will go to the Dr., he'll figure out the time frame and so on.
He thinks treatment will be 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week.
Good news is. . . . . .I will be starting radiation on 11-30-09. . . . at 7:30 every weekday morning.
I think this will work out good time wise.
He said I will be tired, might have some irritation from radiation, some possible soreness.
He wants me to get rested, get my UC under control and maybe even weaned down more on the steroids.
Enjoy my Thanksgiving.

Did. . . . .

not have a really great night last night thanks to a migraine.
So today, feeling kind of crummy and really tired.
I hope I sleep better tonight. . .
Mostly, I am thinking about tomorrow and these tests. You could say I am preoccupied right now, and me being me, that's to be expected.
When I get like this, I really just want to be left alone.
The other thing bothering me is my face hurts.
I'm still so swollen and I know this going to take a while to go away. And the really stupid thing I want to say is that although I am really looking forward to meeting this coach, I hope he doesn't think I look like some kind of freak.
Like I said, stupid thing, but right now, being tired and swollen, it's just hard to get past how I feel and how I feel the world see's me. Chances are no one thinks anything of this, but I do and I'm having a hard time with it. Maybe I just look like a person that's overweight, so if I slap on make-up on it won't be any big deal? Stupid what bothers me, but it does.
Guess that's something else to figure out along the way. . . . wow!

Wow. . . .

I actually feel a little happy today.
My first "NON- Toxic Tuesday"
A little tired, just relieved a little bit. (she sighs)
Last night I slept ok, and second night in a row I did not take anything to sleep.
I don't like taking things to sleep, and after the day I had yesterday I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
So, I am kind of at a day by day thing right now, and I am not really sure how this works.
Do I start to feel just a little bit better each day, or do I go back and forth?
A question I don't really know the answer to, but in my mind, I am telling myself I start to feel a little bit better each day.
I just keep expecting to just get up and feel great and go, but then I am reminded how tired and low energy I am right now.
I went and bought a blender and couldn't hold it because it was too heavy, so not like me. (the things we take for granted)
I know I keep talking about this too, but Thursday has me kind of freaked out.
I know it's because I don't know what to expect. I am sure I will feel better after I talk to Dr. Miller, so I need to stay calm..ha ha
I am looking forward to Friday, and taking Hannah down for her recruiting trip. Looking forward to meeting the coach too. So, it's good all in all.

I. . . . .

thought I was going to start feeling better. UGH
I know there is a joke here someplace, but do you think everything is connected?
Yeah, I'm like a giant UC, esophagus, sinus mess. My parting gift from Taxol?
funny

Sun. . .

morning....waking up to running to the bathroom is really getting old. Chemo stopped last week, what the hell is going on?
Hannah is sick, no ODP. guess it's a good thing, not like I can drive out there right now anyway.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I REALLY wanted to go out for breakfast too. I was thinking I would drop her off and go order breakfast from some place and sit in my car and eat it. I am craving french toast. and not the kind I make here, it's always soggy. it's not like I would go order and sit in coffee shop by myself out in Claremont...where ever the hell Claremont is anyway. . . . yes breakfast for one. . .
Ok, and the Bubba is working. . .it's Sunday.
I did take a sleeping pill so I could sleep last night, but I'm pretty groggy still. Am I going to start feeling different this week? how does this work now?
Honestly, I'm pretty scared about the Radiation, probably because it's something different that I don't really know about. I just really want to feel good and have a good day today. That's really the bottom line here.
See how my mind jumps around...food, sleep, make no sense. I'm all jumbled up in here.
the Chemo Scramble...yesterday I started crying for no reason in the car...I have got to get off of these steroids. . . .
and while I am rambling, I am not sure about this group thing I have been invited to join. Not sure if it's right for me, I got an email from a person with the same kind of cancer. hers has reoccurred, and her email was strange to me, because how do you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, say Hi, you've just gone through your 1st round of chemo, heard you might be joining our group..Well mines back, blah blah blah... tell me about yours. . . .ummmmmm, hmmm. Gotta think about this. Not the approach I would use, so I am still in the thinking phase here.
I'm in the thinking phase really with everything, like contacting people to clear the air, not good at it, but it's gotta be done, so we can move on right? wish me luck, could work out, could be a disaster.
but I have limited typing time here, the bathroom calls, yet again.