IT'S. . . .

Halloween!!! That means Thanksgiving is almost here and Hannah will be home soon!
Me, I'm cleaning my house, so I must feel a little better right? that or my house is a mess, or a little of both. (that's more like it)
So sleep wise, last two nights only woke up twice.
Yesterday I was really crabby and had some balance issues both on Sat and Sun and I know I still have brain swelling so I am going to have to call the Dr. this week and prob go up on the roids...here I go again. F me, I hate them.
So I went to this Qigong class on Sat., at the wellness center, it was interesting and the I guess I was the youngest person in the room.
There is another Qigong class on Wed. I may try that, and see how that one is.
I really want to take Tai Chi and the Y offers it but you have to join and it's like $45 a month after you join regardless of the number of classes you may or may not take... Hmmmm
gonna need to see about that, or maybe park and rec offers???

OK. . . .

Had tests done yesterday and the radiologist said he saw no changes in the breast tissue, no cancer, just possibly scar tissue or changes due to radiation.
I asked him, if you see no changes than what the hell is this lump?
He then says, well if you don't like my findings, then go have an MRI of the breast done. What an ASSHOLE!!!!
So we spoke with the Onc., she said lets watch it real close and if changes let her know asap, if not we will see where I am in about 2 months.
I can live with that but I will be watching this thing like a hawk.
So, wtf ??

ALMOST. . . .

Time to go for mammo and ultrasound.
I just of sort have an empty feeling about the results.
Eric and I talked about this a lot last night so we could prepare for outcome today.
The thing about this though is Eric, Hannah and I all feel we know the outcome and that the BC is back, so. . . .???
Off I go

OK. . . .

Not freaked out about anything, just gonna do what I got to do here.
If it is then we go from there, I'm not speculating however I have thought about what I will do if it is, but I just need to wait until tomorrow and then we will see what is what.
So what I decided to do here is make my 1st apple pie. I mean isn't that what you do when you just don't know what to do? Bake, that's what I say.
And I have a shit load to bake for holiday gifts, but I haven't started that yet. gotten the stuff, well most of it, but gotta get going and clean out the freezer for some room.
This will get done no matter what happens with my body, baking takes my mind off of things and I got a cool new toy, no not a new mixer, although I could use one...
Hoping for a good day, so far so good, had Pumpkin pancakes with my Julie, came home and vacuumed needed to finish up some cleaning, fun stuff!!
Just need to keep busy today!

TWICE. . . .

In one day? Wow I'm impressed with myself today.
So I decided to call my Dr., and I went in and yes, I have a lump in my right breast, this time on the right side at about 10:00. (last time was right breast but on top)
She thinks it's a cyst because there is pain with this, but there was the last time as well.
And when I had the mammo that found it back in 2009 the tech said, oh its never cancer if you have pain...Well hello, I'm living proof that that's a bunch of shit.
Not that I want it back, but when I have read tnbc forums, there is pain w/tumors with this type of bc, doesn't behave like other types.
I know Dr. K didn't want to worry me, because after all, I am the steroid queen and tears come in the blink of an eye. But what good would that do me?
So we wait, see what it is and deal with it then.
Be strong, get trough this, and show Hannah not to be afraid, that you can conquer your fears and move forward however you need to.
She gets it, but is still upset and worries. I wish I could take her worry away, but she has to process this in her own way as I know she will.

Maybe that is part of the Journey I questioned at the beginning of all of this.
Something here to learn and grow from, not to be fearful or afraid, help someone else get through this, and to try to set a positive example, but most important, have a sense of humor which I like to think I do, because that is really what saves you in the long run.

And lastly I have to take this damn Qigong class tomorrow, I think that will make me feel better?? well at least make me sweat, like I don't do that already. HAHA!
speaking of which, I cleaned the bathroom, did laundry sheets...everything due to the pink eye exposure...made a chicken salad and am going to the new Butt Dr. and when I get home I'm going to figure out how to make an apple pie, but I think I will make it tomorrow so I have more time... Fuck Cancer!

PINK. . . .

Is a great color, especially in my eye.
Yes, it's the month of October and to finish off the month I've gotten pink eye.
How appropriate.
What more can I say, except that I'm washing pretty much everything because who knows what I touched, and I kept rubbing my eye yesterday.
Eric comes home takes one look at me and says, "you know you have pink eye?"
So thankfully My Eye Dr. called back last night and I got yet another RX, but at least this one goes in my eye, not in my mouth.
And just to be paranoid, last night I thought I felt something, I think it's time for a mammo just to be sure.
I need a vacation!

SO. . . .

I woke up only once last night, but this am when I got up I felt like I was going to puke.....once again. So tired of this, and just hoping I don't need to go up on steroids, Eric thinks I will. I'm thinking it's gonna be the plan B, Slurpee straw thing, I hope to GOD it's not that because I don't think I can handle another hospital stay besides drilling into my head.
The thought of that makes me want to puke, besides scaring the shit out of me, I just don't want that option. I'll end up with another visit to the hospital and well, that's just not going to happen as far as I'm concerned.
I'm fighting this shit, but this part is just so hard, and really out of my control.
So I started taking some Turmeric tablets which are supposed to help w/inflammation and I need to do a bit more research on shitake mushrooms, or the tablets which are very expensive (like over $50 a bottle) but apparently also good with inflammation, at least that's what Dr A. says. We did read a study that Yale had done, interesting read, but who knows.....

YAY. . . .

It's Sunday and that means I can spend the day with Eric. He's not working today (for a change) so we will see what we can get done since my energy seems to be picking up, due in part to the up dose with the steroids. Sleep wise, only woke up once last night and that is nice for a change, maybe I'm going to start sleeping?????
I drove down to San Diego yesterday for the alumni game, always fun...not serious and our coach is the ref and it's a fun time. We had like 40 alum there, at least that's what we counted, and since i wasn't doing the counting I think the number could be correct. haha
Anywho, was great to see everyone and the hugs were great! Was so worth going, to get outside and laugh, just had a great time.
So looking forward to the season. (nice to have something to look forward to)
So far only one Dr. appt this week, with my new Gastro, and I'm actually looking forward to going, I need to get off of this one drug I'm on because it is a chemo drug and Docs want me off it, so hopefully there are new meds just for UC that will be better for me. We shall see

RESULTS. . . .

Are in....
Went to Dr. yesterday which was good because I didn't really want to go by myself.
So lets see, I have no new tumors and it seems that the last Gamma zapped the sucker and so it's gone. That's all good.
What is not so great is that I still have a lot of swelling so that means back up on steroids, up to 2mg a day now, and I'm not thrilled about this but right now that's about all I can do for the brain swelling.
I still have blood in the original cavity, and this is due to a brain bleed I had from being on blood thinners. Seems when you have a brain tumor you can get brain bleeds and that's what happened to me...(along with the fucking blood clots)
This truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
So back to Dr.A in a couple of weeks to go over how I'm feeling medication..blah blah blah, but not another MRI as it will still show the same thing.
The only other option here for me is to have surgery where Dr. C will go in and remove the blood, which will then get rid of the swelling. He does not know why my brain is not absorbing this as it should have.
It would figure right?
So I imagine Dr. C taking a little tiny drill, drilling a whole into my head and then stick some kind of Slurpee straw or something in the hole and then just suck it out, or something along those lines....
Probably not a Slurpee straw, but if I didn't try to make fun of this I wouldn't be me right?
Do I want to do this? Fuck no, am I going to have another option?
Probably not.
So my guess, it's going to be plan b the hole in my head thing, and yet another hospital stay. I'm just guessing here, but that's kinda what I'm thinking. Not leaning towards but it may be out of my control in options dept. that is.
I just can't believe this all is happening, it's been a rough ride this round.
I'm calling it round 4 because of the 4th Gamma
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, but once again, more emotional due to these steroids and so it goes! I just want this over with.
Ain't this fun, see I know how to have a good time.

SO. . . .

Yesterday was the MRI, and I seemed to be having technical difficulty with the dressing room door like I did a couple of yrs ago when I got the gown with the three wholes, and when I tried to get it off I almost went crashing through the folding fan type door thing with a shitty little latch.
So yesterday i get locked in when I change for the MRI... I'm yelling hello, hello and pulling on this fucking door, finally it opens and good thing because no one came, I'd still be there. . . .then I get the dumbshit tech "boy" that I can't stand, he starts arguing with me about putting the cath in my arm for the contrast, I tell him, I've been doing this here longer than you've been working here, I know how it goes and Christian is taking care of it, still talking...close your mouth now and go away...still talking.... wish i could have said that to him, but he did go away, and all went fine.
Just results tomorrow.

CAN. . . .

Hardly wait for today's MRI. This will be the first time I am going to have a test done and am going by myself. And it's not like I can't do this on my own, but you kind of get use to things going a certain way and then if you change something, other things change as well. So I'm saying something without saying what I'm thinking because I don't want to jinx myself here. Silly huh?
Even though we've cut the steroids down to 1mg I still can't stop crying every time I feel a little upset, but the good news is I don't feel like I'm being so bitchy, which is really good.
I still can't sleep the whole night through, was up at 12:00, 3:00am, 5:00am, did go back to sleep and slept till about 6:45am, so a little here a little there, thank god for the Pot and I've got to get more.
Back to steroids, so I forgot this part. . . when you taper, at least for me, I experience a whole set of aches and pains that I didn't have before. Like yesterday my tailbone started hurting, so I slept with heat. I still have the beautiful fat face syndrome, I hate that too!!
I was planning on taking a Qigong class but I am sore and don't feel like I can do it today....so hopefully next week
So that's about it on that front.
Sat I am supposed to go to a lunch thing, and the ladies are a triple neg survivor group. They meet 1x a month I think, I am planning on going, I think it will be good, so I had better wake up feeling good!!

YAY. . . .

It's Sat. and that means Han is driving up (for one night) but it will be great to see her.
Saw Dr. A yesterday and the great news is that I will now go down to 1mg. of steroid, we will review how I respond to low dose and if all goes well, possibly off all together next week.
Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.
Brain MRI Wed, then Dr. A on Fri
And just to vent, cuz I'm really pissed, I had started this meal sign up sheet for our team, and it's pretty involved, all the games times, etc, etc, put it on an excell sheet and it's GONE. Fme!
So I can do one of two things here, cry...like I don't do that enough for no reason, suck it up start over, don't do it, or??
I'll just suck it up and start over. Not like I have anything else to do really, except go to the Dr. Fortunately I've got a lot of time, but I will finish the schedule today since some families are requesting games already. We've got some great parents that help out on our team. They're awesome!!!

OK. . . .

So, I've been up since 3 am., and at 4:30 I asked Eric if he wanted me to make him breakfast.
He's like what time is it.....can I please go back to sleep for an hour? So I made him these gross pumpkin pancakes at 5:30..before he left for work. He liked them I thought they were nasty.
What the hell do I know, everything tastes salty or not right, so most of the time I don't eat it all or just skip meals. Now if I could just get the steroid face swelling to go down, but I don't think it has anything to do with weight loss, and it's not like I'm trying to not eat so I can loose weight, I just don't feel like it most of the time. I'm so fucked up!
When we go out to breakfast, the server knows what I want, and I'll get 1 slice of french toast and a chicken sausage patty (which is good) I'll end up eating 1/4 of the french toast, and the sausage...that's about it. So I'm super hungry when we leave home,then we will order, but then I just can't eat it after it arrives.
I usually end up making 2 pancakes at home so I can take the pile of pills that I love so much. yeah going to the Dr today, maybe we can get something cut down or changed.
ugh!

EVEN. . . .

With a pocket calendar I can't keep it straight. What a friggin idiot!
I write on my calendar, then the pocket one and put everything down twice or on the wrong days, then I get mad at Eric like he's the one that did it.
Maybe he did and he's really just trying to mess with me. haha
I need that like I need a hole in my head, Yeah I've already had that once and don't want to revisit it...the hole in the head thing that is....
So we are thinking that one of the meds is making me sick. . .happens to be one of the side effects so we may be changing it. . I didn't take it last night and I was good this am. that would be a durrrr.....
So yeah,tomorrow Dr, next week: MRI two Dr.'s
I'm just so busy with all of this fun and exciting stuff going on in my life!

UGH. . . .

So tired!
Seems like all I am doing here is complaining, but the fact of the matter is I am still really pukey when I get up, lasts for a few hours, was up 5 or 6 times last night.
I didn't go to the blood clot Dr., and the gastro is calling to remind me of an appt next week that I have to try to change. . . .
Lets see: moved my brain MRI to next week, instead of Nov. I will feel better once we have a look in there.
I'm still unsure what if anything is going on, but the bottom line here is I am SICK of going to the Dr.
Was going to take a class this am, but I couldn't go because I felt really sick, I just don't remember This kind of stuff happening before, hmmmm.
What I'd like to do? go to the beach tomorrow with Eric, so we will see if we can work that out, would be really nice to go and do something even if it's sitting around at the beach. we'll see

SO. . . .

When you don't sleep all night and keep waking up up what do you do? Well what I do?
I get up at 4am and take a shower, because I don't know what else to do at 4am since I can't sleep, or like last Sunday I got up at 5am and gave both dogs hair cuts, seriously this is interesting stuff here. Just can't remember what it's like to sleep through the night.
Today I get to go to the Dr. and see if he has read the results from my last test which should show what the hells going on with these blood clots in my leg, I'm off of blood thinner because I've had a brain bleed so who knows.
I'm just sick and tired of all of this. Pretty much every morning I wake up with a morning sickness type of stomach, only way to describe it. talk about yuck!
And I've got to get off of these steroids, still making me crazy.
the littlest things REALLY upset me, I try to control what I'm about to say, like think before you speak kind of thing, it works sometimes, but not all the time.
My biggest worry here?
That I can't get back to who I was, not how I am right now, Eric said he thinks the radiation had some kind of affect on this.
The Gamma knives I've had, with the exception of the last one, was really to radiate the cavity where they took the tumor out. there was a small tail, or something they zapped, but this new one from what I was told, the one that had doubled in size in a couple of weeks, was the first tumor that was treated solely by the Gamma, and I think it went beyond just the tumor, I don't know, maybe not, but Dr. A said he saw changes which are due to the whole brain radiation. what the fuck does that mean?
And honestly, sometimes I just feel like I'm done and I want it all over, I'm tired, feel no joy and honestly, sick of having to second guess everything right now.
Just where I'm at.
And I go to the Dispensary yesterday, there had to be 50 people waiting to get in, this should be interesting as they start closing down these places.
Maybe had the fed gov regulated this to start with and set up some structure we would have all these stupid ass kids buying pot, and really ruining it for those that need it.
Frustrating....
Just the frame of mind I'm in today...and lately as well.

YUCK. . . .

Pretty much sums up how I feel when I wake up.
Still this morning sickness type of feeling and I'm just not sure why. So doing what I can to get rid of the nausea.
Sleep wise, about the same, still waking up and not sleeping through the night.
I think something is growing back in there and I need to change my MRI, like move it to Oct, but gotta check w/Dr first.
He told me my symptoms show up before the tumor does, but something doesn't feel right
Just a feeling that I hope is wrong, I'm getting pretty tired of all of this.
Other than that, like that isn't enough, at least I'm not feeling all "roided" out and that seems to have calmed down, but need to find out if I need to cut in half again, go to 1mg.....
What I'm looking forward to? Seeing my Han on Sat., I can't wait

EACH. . . .

Morning I have been waking up and feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach, it's just like having morning sickness only it lasts longer to go away...UGH!
every so often a slight headache, but I'm thinking about calling my Doc and see if he wants me to break the half of steroid in half.
everything seems to be about the steroid with me still.
My face is so bloated and swollen still.
I am really self conscious and sick of people looking at me, so with the pink spotted hair I figure they will look at that instead, then that gives me the change to tell someone to get a mammogram. . . .like they would listen to me!
But honestly, I love my spotted hair, kind of fun and just for October.
Watch, I'll get called for a volunteer interview, haha
Other than that, I'm excited to have some team stuff to put together for game/food sign ups.
Gives me some purpose and something to do that I like...
With any luck Eric and I will drive down and see Han this Sat., which will be really nice and since I'm not so bitchy should be good all the way around!
Now gotta see if I'm making cookies or granola or? maybe nothing. . . . .