Monday, October 10, 2011

SO. . . .

When you don't sleep all night and keep waking up up what do you do? Well what I do?
I get up at 4am and take a shower, because I don't know what else to do at 4am since I can't sleep, or like last Sunday I got up at 5am and gave both dogs hair cuts, seriously this is interesting stuff here. Just can't remember what it's like to sleep through the night.
Today I get to go to the Dr. and see if he has read the results from my last test which should show what the hells going on with these blood clots in my leg, I'm off of blood thinner because I've had a brain bleed so who knows.
I'm just sick and tired of all of this. Pretty much every morning I wake up with a morning sickness type of stomach, only way to describe it. talk about yuck!
And I've got to get off of these steroids, still making me crazy.
the littlest things REALLY upset me, I try to control what I'm about to say, like think before you speak kind of thing, it works sometimes, but not all the time.
My biggest worry here?
That I can't get back to who I was, not how I am right now, Eric said he thinks the radiation had some kind of affect on this.
The Gamma knives I've had, with the exception of the last one, was really to radiate the cavity where they took the tumor out. there was a small tail, or something they zapped, but this new one from what I was told, the one that had doubled in size in a couple of weeks, was the first tumor that was treated solely by the Gamma, and I think it went beyond just the tumor, I don't know, maybe not, but Dr. A said he saw changes which are due to the whole brain radiation. what the fuck does that mean?
And honestly, sometimes I just feel like I'm done and I want it all over, I'm tired, feel no joy and honestly, sick of having to second guess everything right now.
Just where I'm at.
And I go to the Dispensary yesterday, there had to be 50 people waiting to get in, this should be interesting as they start closing down these places.
Maybe had the fed gov regulated this to start with and set up some structure we would have all these stupid ass kids buying pot, and really ruining it for those that need it.
Just the frame of mind I'm in today...and lately as well.

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