My dear wife Judy, passed away on September 26th. She was the love of my life and I miss her so...  She was passionate about fighting this cancer and did so to the very end of her life. Hopefully, her blog over the last few years has had a positive impact on those who have followed it. Judy meant it to be the real story of her fight, and I believe it was. God bless all who are fighting a similar fight and my beat wishes and prayers to their families as well.
Eric G.

WHAT. . . .

Is going on???
OK Pet scan came back clean and better than than that brain MRI all clear as well.
Why don't I feel happy?  Still so sad
Every night I pray for everyone I know so that I can give back some what I have been lucky enough to receive, thank you to those that have prayed and sent good wishes.  This is truly the most bizarre time in y life and I just cant see to get it together or get some kind of normal.
Going to try to get a referral to a phys therapist so that I can strengthen my legs and muscles, I am still doing this wobbly thing but is not from a seizure, thank God.
Just gotta find the right person to help me and get on with it. I miss taking walks and need to get these blood clots outta my right leg...so wish me luck!  love to all

LETS SEE....

Pet scan all clear...great news!!

Been prepping for my colonosocpy since 5 pm, surprisingly no big deal except for the burning and appendage i seemed to have sprouted...fun stuff

THANK. . . .

  You everyone, for the messages on Facebook, I am overwhelmed by the love, energy and Prayers.  I could could not do this alone and I can't even begin to say how much this means to me. I love you all and am thankful you are in my life and even if its at a distance it works and I feel it!  love Judy

GREAT. . . .

News.  Was in hospital a couple of days ago overnight because of constant stomach problems and continued nausea, horrible for weeks.
Did an MRI which I had scheduled for 24th and since cancelled.,
We found out no new growths but quite a bit of swelling from radiation, so yes back on steroids 8mg  (for now 4mg 2x a day) then switch to 4mg am and 2 mg pm, but at this point I don't care about the steroids, yes they make me crazy but I have had 2 good days so is it worth it, I'd say that would be a yes for now.
It is hard to know what to do, but put your trust in the Dr's., and prayers.  This is what I believe has gotten me to this point.
But like I said steroids make me crazy and those around me as well, I am trying REALLY hard and today I think I I have done a good job there.  Its most hardest on my beautiful girl because she is here with me all day and it's not not easy for her and I feel terrible, but what do I do?
Is there a magic answer here?
On a different note I think I might be able to do some volunteer work., I wanted to before but with undergoing treatment nearly impossible but now I am pretty good to go I think...I hope
So that's about it

OOPS. . . .

found like 3 drafts I forgot to post...sorry!

WELL....

Today is the first day i have no radiation, no chemo thank God it is over, Brain MRI in three weeks but I expect that to be clean after all this shit I just sent through. this round was much worse than breast cancer treatment, just horrible.
I should be happy and I am to a point but so sad becaue Jimmy and Debbie not here, now live in Floriada and we miss them and his yearly birthday on the 4th.
I feel so helpless for my baby she is so upset and not feeling well, she was so looking forward to brunch at a friends house, and it was cancelled and shes in such a fragile state I don't know how to help her, she consumes my every thought and I feel like a shitty mother because I can't comfort her. all she wants to do is sleep and be left alone. Dad has to work till 930pm so we are supposed to go to some neighbor friends house to and I love them and so looking forward to going but I dont think she will come. I feel helpless, today should be a happy day. We went to breakfast she didn't come becuase of bruch I said just come and have coffee so she did nothing.  A friend that she hasn't really sean came by to see if she wanted to take a walk but wouldn't .  This isn't about me except for the part that I know this is so hard for her, but Its over now and I wish to god I could get a smile, but maybe it's too much to expect, I do't know I'm not good at this stuff, I guess im supposed to just leave her alone but shes my baby and how do I do that. I wish she had been asked someplace today or some friends call her and she how she is because apparentley nothing I can do , I feel lost here.  Thought it would get easier, what the hell do I know?

HOW do. . . .

I start this part? so much racing around in my head.  Its been a long journey and one I feel like iv'e been on for long enough.

Friday. . . .

Still feel pretty much the same, like I'm waiting for something to happen, yeah like not feeling sick anymore and to have this crap over with., Hopefully that part is coming soon.
Just so soooooo tired. Dr A said I'd start feeling better by the end of this week..so I'm hopeful that is coming soon like I said. That's about it for now not much to say

sTARTING OVER. . . .

I just deleted what i typed.  What an idiot! and while i'm at it that good for spell check.

Tomorrow the  Radiation and  chemo are over.  Back on small dose of steriods 4 mg at dinner for only 4 more days.  YIPPEE at that.

So how do I feel??? that really is the question so be prepared, FUCKING SHITTY.
The radiation to my head has been making so sick, like being pregnant without the bundle of joy at the end.
wanna puke pretty much all the time but like I said I have one more day and I have to get through this.  Radiation at 8 then Chemo at nine.  Brain MRI in 3 weeks.  Dr A said will take about a week after for all to settle down, and I'm holding to it or I'll find him and hide all his candy at the Gamma Knife Center


But seriously Please keep sending love an prayers this aint over yet.
Thank and all by best

I just wanna be done. . . .

Its confirmed next Tuesday last chemo and radiation too I think.  (i pray) chemo for sure just not sure about oral chemo waiting for a call tomorrow to find out, everything is so confusing and I forget which is something that I am just not used to...the forgetting part, upsets me so much I cry when ever this happens so needless to say I cry  a lot.
I hate the term "oh chemo brain"   just like "oh pregnant brain", in my case it's half a brain and i'm getting tired of my friend holding on to the good part I'd like it back now..please??  :)

two. . . .

More weeks of torture left, then I can get this power port out and start feeling a little better I hope I hope.
Just feel shitty and don't have much to say.  which is hard to believe for me.

HOW. . . .

Do I feel?  Like shit.  living on nausea med and MJ, think I said that before but who can remember with half a brain.
I know I'm sick of asking people to do things and then when someone says sure lets go to lunch I toss my cookies and can't go. I'm just not going to ask anyone anymore, I get sad and don't feel that great to begin with.  people say it is but then they stop calling so I don't really believe them, I think they are sick of my cancelling so they don't really invite or text me. I feel sad most of the time but when I'm around others I always put up a good act like I feel great, because who wants to be around a downer all the time, so its a pity party day for me, guess I'm entitled
Just sick of it all.  I go out to breakfast by myself at least 2x a week, Hubby works so we try to go at least one day on a day off, he truly is the only person I can count on.  I don't have to pretend to feel good and I am so thankful I have him in my life, what if I married a shithead?Thankfully I didn't and he is amazing..
Honestly If one more Dr. tells me we don't have any data for your treatment but we believe it will work, I will Fucking scream right then and there.  Just what one wants to hear, I'd like to see some of the Dr's. live with information given in this fashion.,
3 more weeks of radiation 5 days a week, 1 chemo pill 7days a week for 3 weeks, and 1 chemo infusion 1 time a week for 3 weeks, then an MRI and we will see if its gone.  This is always in the back of my mind, I can't escape the thought, I try to remain positive, I pray every night and every morning for those I know that need it and those I just love.
Today I went to Starbucks near where I live, everyone is really quite friendly, they bring their dogs, hang out, it's nice. Long story short I met Rick, he asked how I was doing and if he and his wife and daughters could pray for me, couldn't believe it, and with that he said consider 4 more people on your team. Again I couldn't believe it, I told him thank you and gave a light hug. Was so nice made my morning. Called hubby he couldn't believe it.
I do have some amazing experiences and new friends that I meet for coffee and tea, they go everyday, and I am always welcome and when I go I just feel normal and happy and I am grateful for them eggbok!

UGH. . . .

That about says it all, tolerating all,  chemo, chemo pill and radiation.....SUPER tired, a little pukey here and there...nothing that zofran, compazine and some med mj can't handle, seriously..
So I asked The Bub to shave my head again, radiation area starting to fall out that looks like Shit, like a bald headed woman with a huge scar on the side of my head and like that doesn't draw looks, but you know what??
FUCK EM, FUCK EM ALL...
I wear my head scarred and bald, head held proud and upright.  I stare right back at those looking for a while at me.. some times I smile, but mostly they get my face with my tongue sticking out at them FUCKERS!!  I love that word  Ha Ha
But it's like someone saying I'm so sorry, why are you sorry did you cause this, it must make those who say this feel better because they don't know what to say.   how about: Hows your day going , or it is so beautiful outside....  No pity, no tears cuz who are they really for???
It is beautiful outside, I took myself out for breakfast, I actually went shopping for a tiny bit, so today is a good day and it's about fucking time!!!!

AS. . . .

Luck would have it I have a blood clot in my neck in may main artery, you can see the tubing in my neck (for the chemo port) so when I move my head it bulges out, fucking figures!
So I take 1/2 vicodin along with a benedryl to help with the itching I get from vicodin, I can't even be a druggie cuz i am allergic.  No fun for me!
Pill chemo is OK a little nausea here and there, but I can live with it for 5 more weeks, they can't take the port out and re-do because I will clot again, and no blood thinners for this girl unless I want a brain bleed like last summer....no thanks!
I would have loved to go to a movie or lunch today but no one to go with, I get really tired of asking people all the time to do things, I feel pathetic and sad. I have no idea whats playing so it's just as well.
I hate being sick and everything that comes with it

WED. . . .

OK . . . . the magic chemo pill that arrives by fort Knox tomorrow is called Temodar,  Only 250 a pill, that's
5 grand for a 25 day supply. we changed ins, need i say more?
new deductible so cost is 250, then 2nd 25 will be 100.  where did the $10 script cost go?  out the fucking window, I know at least I have insurance and I AM grateful for this.
So Chemo and Radiation start next week, oral med this week.
Eric read a lot about Temodar and the results have been nothing less than amazing, my question is why the hell didn't we do this sooner, why put me through second brain surgery, 6th gamma knife if this chemo would have worked.??????
All the trauma to my brain supposedly will allow the chemo to get through the blood brain barrier.
I'm just thinking all this shit better work or I'm really gonna be pissed off!  ha ha

MY . . . .

Neck and chest looks like something from a vampire movie and it frigging hurts.  I can't really take pain pills because I am slightly allergic...I have to take benedryl with, so imagine my stooper yesterday along with an ice pack  on my neck area and then my heat pack on my stomach for my UC pain.  Radiation and Chemo hasn't even started.  WTF!!  I swear.
We are going to meet some friends for lunchy-brunch which I am really looking forward to, not the food part, the friends part.
I need to try to find something to wear to cover this up though.  I can't get it wet for 5 days, so sponge baths or plastic wrap the whole area....maybe my head along with it.  OY VEY.

It is however a beautiful day :)

WHERE DO I START????. . . .

OK, so here it all is as of right now Thursday morning.
Hannah is home that's the best.
Tomorrow she gets to take me to have a port put back in.  If I'd never taken the stupid thing out I would have all these blown veins that bruise and hurt but vat can I do?
So wait, Chemo? thought it didn't work with brain stuff because the chemo doesn't break the blood brain barrier, well lucky for me I've had so much trauma to my brain the chemo should get through because I am also having brain radiation again.  Not whole brain, but a concentrated dose in the bad area where my cancer keeps tracking and won't go away.
Suppose to start radiation next week if they can get their shit together and map it out, why does this take so long! So all I know is it will be 5 days a week when ever it starts but I don't know for how long.
Then Chemo, Carbo Platinum or something like that...Can hardly wait and hope I can tolerate it.
The radiation makes me tired, don't know about the chemo yet.  Honestly I don;t want to do this, I'm scared to SHIT, but what choice do I have?
I just want to feel normal, what ever that is, because I don't really remember.
I just feel like crying but I've got to get a hold of myself here....seriously!  Suck it up, and
  now put on your positive thinking cap.  (where did that come from?? some TV show mom)
OK, next oh by the way, we want to take the ovaries as this is a breeding ground for me, they do this laproscopically, maybe I could get my leaky bladder fixed at the same time, I refuse to wear depends!
OK, lastly, you need to have a colonoscopy, can hardly wait for that shit!  ha ha...
Which of course will be after chemo..just keeping my day full of hope and promises and little flowers and lady bugs.  Yeah life is so Fucking Grand right now.  WHEW off my chest, outta my fingers and outta my 1/2 half of a brain

GOING to . . . .

Onc. this am, oh boy!!!  We will see what she has to say I am a little confused because originally they said chemo does not break the blood brain barrier, so WTF??
Radiation coming prob will start next week since it's wed. and I haven't heard from them yet.  Like hurry up and wait right? So then Dr tells Eric well we might be able to use chemo like a week after the radiation is done, woo hoo it's gonna be a frickin party in my head..maybe I'll some of this cancer shit outta my head for a change???? who knows.
Trying to be positive but some questions keep coming back.
Am I going to die from this? probably but my hope is not for a long time.
Gonna try some guided meditation and breathe stuff for when I get upset, just gotta load it and listen to it.
We have to do everything we can to fight and stay positive even though this is the nastiest, scariest shit going on.
Well I will post as soon as I find out what the Evil Dr's have in store for me...some new kind of poison I'm sure lol!

SWALLOW THIS. . . .

So I go to Dr A last Friday and He explains very calmly, but I know whats coming because of the look on his face so tears start coming, yet I have my own tissue....
We did the gamma knife but where i stopped gamma the cancer is tracking.  There was like a fringe around the area, and because gamma can't treat whole brain or big areas as we know, we will need to do brain radiation again.  Not whole brain, but just concentrated and the lining, which has this "stuff"that  will respond well to radiation, so we will probly do within 1-2 weeks.  I 'd like some notice so I can shave my head...gotta go through the Asian pear mask thingie again, then go get a ct of my head, again, this along with my uc flare is just all fun and games right now.
I'm gonna go throw up now

MADE IT. . . .

Through another Gamma Knife, back on the roids but just for 8 days, full 2 mg for 4 then 1mg for 4 then go see Dr. and off of them I pray!
Had both of my Bubbas with me so how could I go wrong.
Surprised my beautiful girl yesterday at her 2nd to last game of season. Championship round tomorrow.  That mean seasons just about over and she'll be home soon for summer, I miss her so much!!!

AH, EXCUSE ME. . . .

1. so for inquiring minds I will be blessed with Gamma Knife number 6 this Thursday at 6 friggin am. Whenever I forget how many times I've done this all I need to do is feel the craters on my forehead, isn't that cool, like I'm so lucky lmao!

   
   

   2. I love feeling this big square thing that floats around in my right breast.  Oh that's just a hematoma from the breast surgery.... ah,.... Isn't that a blood clot??  My Venus fly trap is down in my crotch region, so whee does that leave the floater

   
   

   3. just keeping things interesting

IT'S TIME

I've been neglecting to write, just kinda forgot.  My days have not been the greatest, I am trying so hard to stay positive and to cope better but lately it's been really really hard.  Today is the first day I have not felt or wake up with nausea.  I guess when you have that all the time it's just hard to feel good about things.
I'm going in on Thursday for gamma knife number 6, OH BOY I can hardly fucking wait.  The thing I look forward to is new stupid pictures That I can get Eric to take for me so I can post and share the fun and joy.
Was supposed to be on the 25th, but they moved to the 26th.  The only thing I care about is that 1) we go to Hannah's last game of season and 2) there is no new shit growing in my head.  Just radiating the area, but It will mean steroids I'm sure and I AM NOT looking forward to that at all.  So that is it for now, Leslie please return the other half before Thursday so I can get it all this time.
xoxo Judy

TIME. . . .

For my kind of humor.
So I go to the butt Dr today 1st time, not only does he have the most funny sense of humor butt he's so good looking.  I didn't want him poking around butt what can I say.  I know how to have a good time.
Couldn't find my car, pouring rain, I am now soaked to my knees find the car then have to cross a river to go to the pharmacy, of course I didn't wear one of the two pair of rain boots I have.
Can I please have the other half of my brain now, I've been really patient Leslie R.

YAY....

Got my staples and stitches out today.  Still need to wear something on my head for a while but that's totally fine with me.  I want to wait until my hair grows back in this area.  At least they are gone though!
Yay me!!

Maybe. . . .

I will get these staples and stitches out tomorrow.  Keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
Lets see, I still have a huge blood clot in my leg (since summer) I may be able to take blood thinners after my next Gamma, oh yes that's April 25..  They promise not to use the easy bake oven this time, so we'll see how it goes....
Good thing I have a filter in for this blood thing, I was calling the filter a Venus fly trap, it something like that I just cant remember the name of it, so what?

WELL. . . .

Friday is appt to set up yet another Gamma Knife, can hardly wait.
Just SO sick of all of this, I'm to the point where I wake up just about every morning crying.
I don't really want people over because I feel like I need to entertain them.  To get Tea or coffee is good, you can visit then go home, that's about it for now

NOT....

Too much to say today just trying to get myself together so I can feel better.  I am impatient with myself and it took my husband and my friend Aiko to remind me that I just had brain surgery and I should not be so hard on myself.  I felt bad because I made plans for lunch and had to cancel.  I feel shitty doing this to people but I just wasn't feeling good.  I need to be around others but it is so hard to make plans in advance.  Just really sucks and I just have to give my self time and not make plans just yet, I don't know.

TONS O FUN.... -

couldn't really get to this before now so those of who have been patiently waiting here we go, I'm just wondering where to start....

maybe with the fact that i am more than grateful to be here, and 

maybe I should start with the the fact that friggin hospital lost my bag of clothes, Eric was finally able to recover them like Sat or Sun....I had surgery Thurs and came home Fri, yes Brain surgery.

Wait maybe I should start with the fact that I've somehow done something to my right foot, we found out I have a small blood clot in my ankle, had a xray, found nothing, tiny clot not the cause so I am having yet another MRI however (stress fracture??) I have to drive aways to have this done (on Monday)as it seems it is have an MRI weekend but I am not invited, or perhaps we should start with the UTI I came home with thanks to the trusty cath and u pee in a bag now or wait lastly...I have UC but am not able to go sue to the pain med Ive been taking for my foot.  this is where i say FUCK ME!!!!!,  long overdue I might say.  so have taken something that has brightened up the situation shall we say?? ha ha yeah and may be by tonight I' will just have the foot thing going on as my incision is healing and for now we just go fwd.  UGH

TMI??. . . .

You are going to be so jealous of this, Ive been constipated for a change (i have uc) So I called my gastro that called me right back!  I get to take 3 saline enemas....hold it in as long as I can he said... What fun...fortunately I've taken enemas before, but its been years so I don't know how well I can hold it.  gotta lie down..

The SHIT just never stops however this shit doesn't want to start after 3 days....

Maybe I have the wrong TP, I don't have the one the bears use, "to enjoy the go".

But I guess I'll be cleaned out for the hospital which I'm sure they will appreciate as I know I will.

UGH!!!

 

OK. . . .

It will be really nice not to feel like I'm gonna puke every five minutes.  That means surgery as I now have a 2.5 cm tumor and all this left over stuff that has been causing swelling, hence nausea and a variety of other things.
I'm still crying.  I have to say this is the hardest, because I have all these days to wait and think about what is in my head and what he has to do, but the upside is I will feel so much better so I can do this I just hate the waiting part, I'm so impatient!!  So yes it will be the hand crank with Slurpee straw and an ice cream scooper but I don't think anyone will want it, I sure don't.
I'm shaving my head, so is my hubby, I ordered some cool buffs because Dr said he will be leaving staples in longer and I don't want to walk around with a staple head, might freak people out! Ya never know!
So I know I will come through this so I can bug my hubby and my daughter for years to come.
I'm thinking about borrowing the other half of my brain for a little while.Leslie cough it up.
Send prayers and that is much appreciated.
love <3  Judy

WHERE. . . .

Do I start? Well It's back, yup 2cm in my head. Had MRI yesterday and then got results from Dr. in a couple of hours, and the gal from the Gamma Knife called so I knew it wasn't good, although all she would tell me was Dr wants to see you at 9am tomorrow.

We called and spoke with him or I should say hubby did.

Appt is at 9 this am, what I know is that it's back, in the general area, but I will find out more this morning, like I really want to go through this again.  I'm certain gamma will be next week as he did tell hubby that gamma can take care of this and there is a little swelling, does that mean steroids again?

I'll know more later this am.  UGH!! have cried buckets since yesterday

WELL. . . .

I did about 1/4 mile walk this am with Lexi, my puppy dawg.
So far I don't have to throw up but UC acting up still.  Its fun trying to figure out if I can leave the house, let alone talk a walk.  Do I walk up to some strange house and say excuse me, may I use your bathroom, and i may be in there awhile so please walk my dog! lol
Oh yeah this shit is fun.
Wed is brain mri, who knows whats going on in there.  I still have steroid face and I've been off the steroids for three weeks or a month?  I have to look it up on my calendar.  I have to write everything down, but the problem is I forget to look at my little book.  I even put things down on office calendar and kitchen calendar and I still don't remember .
OK Leslie  this isn't funny anymore, can I please have my half of the brain back

I. . . .

Got my test results back from my pet and all is good!  Now have to make Brain MRI appt, probably for next week....so sick of these tests!

I seriously wonder why every single day I cry.  It's like a crying spell that comes over me and it just comes out. I think something changed after the seizures.  I'm off the roids, so this is all I can come up with because menopause is not the answer.  With the UC that won't go away I'm afraid to leave the house, I'd like a break now please!  I'm ready!!!!

IT. . . .

Starts all over again...
Body Scan next week and then brain MRI in about a month.
See how things look after being off steroids.                                              
Saw my Onc today and she also suggested that there is
a low dose diuretic that may help reduce swelling in my head,
and that might help with the nausea..
Ah hello, why hasn't anyone else suggested this??
I'm just having a fucking grand old time here.
Not my usual cheerful self at this point and I'm just not feeling it.
I'm not trying to have a pity party here, but I feel broken,
and I feel like shit most of the time.
After the 2 seizures, things really changed, got off steroids
and mostly things are better, but I have my days.
I still can't really make plans with friends because how I feel changes
from hour to hour, and that really sucks,
I feel isolated and that makes me sad.
It's kinda like whats the point, so I don't ask anymore and then at least,
I'm not a flake that cancels all the time.  
I know this too shall pass, but I'm kinda getting impatient over here!
UGH!!!

SO. . . .

Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel pretty good.
Although somewhat of a cluster fuck.  I went to my Dr. to have blood drawn, (really convenient) Cindy is really good at getting my veins as they suck big time.  One of my Dr's. thinks that my keppra level is too high and that may be causing all of this nausea, so lets do a blood test and check the level, easy right...WRONG  Requires a special tube that my Dr doesn't carry.
I offer to drive over and get the right tubes to help out, the guy at the lab didn't want to give me the tubes...fucker! I persuaded him to give me the vials..ha ha, go back to my Dr's. office then we couldn't get my veins to produce enough blood, so we tried another vein and someone else took my wrist...yeah, I'm the human pin cushion.  My veins suck and I really can only use my left arm, hand, wrist...lucky me my wrist..... so long story short....they get almost 1/2 of a tube filled, then maybe 1/4 of another.  I feel bad because these veins are so tough...Oh well I am hoping we got enough so we can get the levels and find out what the hell is going on.
UGH!!!
Thank you Cindy and Denise!!!

NOT. . . .

Too much going on.  Still waiting for effects of steroids to go away, I'm still bloated, not crying as much so hopefully this crap is getting out of my system.
Waiting for news of when I'm having my next full body scan, guess it just never really stops.
My breast is hurting less but surgery site still sore, guess that's to be expected...
Well that's it for now.... ye ha

GOOD. . . .

News, the tumor was benign.
Had surgery last Friday and I will have a tiny scar and honestly not too much discomfort although it still hurts.  Does that make sense??  Oh well. . . .
Still feeling some effects from the roids I've stopped taking.  face and neck still swollen, and I still cry at the drop of a hat...so I'm like, when the hell is this gonna stop and when will my face return to normal ??
UGH!!!!

YIPEEE

Going to the Dr today,,,for a change something new...but not really
see if she can get all the stuff together for my surgery on Friday, just not sure what shes doing yet.
Right now I think it's a biopsy , I'll know on Friday,,,Oh Boy, just having more fun than I can stand right now!

I....

Think someone hacked into my blog as I deleted the last post, they tried to write like me, but not even close FUCKER don't mess around with someone that has cancer, you suck who ever you are!

AH.....

Yeah, that's about it really.  Well that and thank God for MJ, am not kidding about that one.  Honestly, I don't know what I'd be doing if I couldn't do this.  I'm not hungry, most of the time I'm nauseous, so food is the last thing on my mind. It's strange because I was so hungry before and would go to lunch or at least go get something, now I look at most food and I want to throw up.

I'm not on chemo so I'm guessing it's all of these shitty little pills they make me take.

I switched over to prednisone, they "upped" the dose....just what I friggin wanted.  but alas, he's now cutting me down to 1 a day and then none on Wed...that's when I see Dr.A...and with any luck I might be done those nasty nasty pills.  Face and neck still swollen from the decadron, last time on prednisone I had the big round face thing...so I wonder what the hell I'm going to look like when this part is over.....

The itching is still going on, so I look like I have fleas, or some kind of tick ....my head won't stop itching...brain radiation...simply lovely!!

lets see....my poor skin is like paper thin and along with this itching...ugh   benedryl I guess is all that will help until I get off of this shit.

So the latest and greatest..about the lumpity lump that is a bump...1st I get oh, looks like some kind of fat thing...really interesting, your breast is made up of fat things...idiot...

So I'm once again, "no changes"  interesting because the lump wasn't there in Oct.  So my wonderful Dr and Surgeon decided that they want an biopsy as after all this triple neg and we should just be watching....

Really??  makes me feel a whole lot better though, if it is it's out if it isn't it may still be out, I have no idea and am not going to guess, just want to get on with it.

Also going to take the braca 1 test....whooo hooo 

Truth be told, I want these these steroids, I'd like to stop crying all the time, I think my hubby is going to commit me.  UGH

WELL. . . .

Are Dr.s Stupid or is it just me?

So Dr. A spends time getting me all worked up about possibly having to open up my head and drain this "blood" out, we go see Neuro Surgeon, and said no way, nothing like that is going to happen at this time, we have yet once again changed my steroids.  Now I'm off of decadron, and back on prednisone, which I will take for a few days and then taper from that.

F ME!!!  I am so sick of this !!!!  Why would he get me all worked up about to go through another brain surgery, even tell me it's prob. only a 2 day stay, and how great I'll feel after....UMMMM shouldn't he have talked to my other Dr 1st then they could tell me what choices there are????

I go from no way, upset - crying... to OK I'll do it, and I NEVER had to even go through that yesterday.  What a bunch of BS!

I saw the breast surgeon 1st, she felt the little lump that is next to the scar tissue thing, so I am going for a mammo next week, and here we go again.

Trying not to think about it because really, whats the point until we know what it is...the lump that is...so??

LATE. . . .

For me right now considering all the time I've missed...
Oh Well!
So today ended up being Dr. Day, saw my Primary care, Dr.K and she does feel the new little "lump" next to the scar tissue thing, so rather than mess around I will see Surgeon (that removed tumor originally) tomorrow and see what she has to say, if we do an ultra sound and that perhaps will show that it's just a cyst???
Here I go again, at least I'm seeing Dr.B and not that short little radiologist that has a bedside manner like a little short man.  ha ha aw, poor little guy...
Now for the best part of tomorrow!  I can HARDLY FUCKING WAIT!
I get to go see my favorite neuro surgeon, that's right, and we get to talk about having a procedure (surgery) on my brain, where they go in and remove all of this blood product that won;t seem to absorb.  Steroids actually not reducing the volume so really what other options do I have other than a hand crank drill, and a slur pee straw, mmmm mmmm good!
But seriously, I will know more tomorrow and then I will post what I know to be true, vs what I think to be true.
At first I was freaked out and said no way, not gonna happen, but as about 5 min. passed I thought about it, and hearing no more steroids, feeling better like the next day, well that actually sounds good, but again, need to talk to Dr C tomorrow.  2nd Dr appt.  Then gonna take my bubba out to lunch, would rather we were getting on a plane, but that's not happening anytime soon.
I just hope I am good to go for home games.  Just like the 1st time I met Dr.C and I told him he better get that thing out because I had a graduation to go to.
Well I'm going to have a few water polo games to go to and a nice hotel room, and right now this is what I have to look forward to, so it better happen!

OK....

So yeah, I'm a bit of a whiner right now, I have had my tattoo appt for months, waiting for the best female tattoo artist in So Cal, and I had to cancel my fucking appt because of my shitty steroid bleeding bruising skin.

Next appt...April.

This was something I have been looking forward to for so long and I am really sad, not a lot makes me happy right now and not been looking forward to much, and now nothing.  

So yeah, it's a whiny day for me.  Lets see, I've only cried 2 times this am, and I know it's due in part to the steroids, but the rest of it, honestly?  I'd like to look forward to something. like a trip, I've wanted to see the Grand Canyon....doesn't have to be a biggie, although New York is where I really want to go, Eric has never been...

So....yeah, I had this dream the other night, I was transformed into a black woman, I think I've been watching too much election bs, and this was the night the lady that wrote the book about the Obamas came out, so back to the dream...I ending up getting my hair weaved.  LOL

Now my hair is maybe 1/2  inch long in most places...is that long enough?/  Might be kind of pretty, now that I have salt and pepper colored hair braids might be kinda fun??  

YES. . . .

I am back, not to say that I went anyplace, but that I decided not to neglect my blog for the time being.

Just really strange, how I've been feeling-doing. I tend to isolate myself when I don't feel great, and then that kind of perpetuates the the whole thing. Why haven't I heard from you, etc etc.  

I don't do it to ignore friends, just don't feel like socializing so ..... 

OK, had MRI like 2 weeks ago, still waiting to go over it w/Dr A, but got a quick read and no new growths, the one I had has shrunk..that's all I know..except when I see him, Dr. A hes going to get an ear full and eye full about these FUCKING STEROIDS!

I saw my primary care Dr. Yesterday, and I was such a bitch when she came into the room 45 min late after I was told to come in 1/2 hr early..So she walks in and I'm basically scolding her for being late, shes the Dr....what does she do??  She gives me a gigantic hug and said it's going to be OK, we just have to get you off these steroids, so once again, that's my goal.  needless to say I started crying, then we were laughing, I'm VERY lucky to have her.

Unless you've gone through this, you have NO IDEA what this is like, so.....

Lets talk about my skin now...yes once again steroids come into play, my skin is like paper thin in some areas, I have bruising from itching, they look like blood blisters under my skin on my forearm.  Like the wart thing isn't enough, now I have scabby blood blister arm...oh so pretty..

So, I am taking allergy med to help w/ itching..I thought the steroids, the wonder drug, would take care of the itching...guess not..Then to top it off the uc keeps threatening to attack, so I'm watching that too, once again..steroids should help w/inflammation...what the hell is going on with my body?

Now as for the other stuff, yes I partake in the medical MJ and all I can say is THANK GOD for it, it is the only thing that works as far getting me calm, over the nausea which plaques me daily, not sure why....Dr's say use it, what ever you need, so here I am